Gossling, Burr, Perkins, Yard

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 11/11/2004

Eddie Gossling enjoyed being a military child, Bill Burr doesn't have much affection for actors, and Dwayne Perkins finds ways to fix the dating scene.

(Bill Burr)I LOVE MOVIES.

I DON'T LIKEACTORS THOUGH.

YOU EVER SEENTHAT COMMERCIAL?

THEY ASK THEM, LIKE,"WHAT IS DRAMA?"

LIKE I DON'T KNOWWHAT DRAMA IS.

35... SLEEPINGON A FUTON...

CREDIT CARDS MAXED...

YEAH, GEE... WHYDON'T YOU DEFINE IT?

MAKING EIGHT MILLIONDOLLARS A MOVIE...

TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

WHAT IS DRAMA?

THEY SHOULD GET SOMECHICK FROM, LIKE,

A TRAILER PARK, WITH,LIKE, HER LIP OUT TO HERE.

LIKE, DRAMA IS WHEN YOUFORGET TO GET THE FRITOS,

AND YOUR COMMON-LAWHUSBAND BEATS YOU

WITH THE EMPTY PRINGLES CAN.

AND HE DOESN'T LETYOU TAKE THE TRUCK

WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK ANDGET THE RIGHT JUNK FOOD.

THEY'RE MAKING SOMUCH MONEY, THEYCAN'T EVEN DEFINE IT!

THEY'RE LIKE,DR-DRAMA IS LIFE.

DRAMA IS ENERGY.

IT'S GUACAMOLEIN YOUR NACHOS...

I ALSO HATE WHENACTORS GAIN WEIGHT.

THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKETHAT'S THE MOST

UNBELIEVABLETHING EVER, LIKE,

WHEN THEY GAINWEIGHT FOR A ROLE.

LIKE, "GEEZ, I DUNN...HOW'D YA DO IT?"

GAINING WEIGHT IS ONE OFTHE EASIEST THINGS TO DO!

I MEAN, ANYTIME WE GAINWEIGHT, WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY ALWAYS SAY...THEY CALL US, OBESE!

GIVE US, LIKE, ANEXERCISE TAPE, YOU KNOW...

ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOWOUT OF SHAPE WE ARE.

ANYTIME AN ACTORGAINS WEIGHT, WHATDO THEY ALWAYS SAY?

THEY ALWAYS SAY,"IT WAS SO BRAVE."

BRAVE?

SO BRAVE... YOU KNOW,(bleep) FIREFIGHTERS,

AND PEOPLE WHO SAVE PEOPLES'LIVES FOR A LIVING.

THE ACTORS AND ACTRESSES WHOWILL EAT CUPCAKE AFTER CUPCAKE

SO THEY CAN MOREAUTHENTICALLYPLAY A PLUMBER...

THOSE ARE THE TRUE HEROES.

(Greer Barnes)GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA...

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

ARNOLD, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DOFOR THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA?

(mimicking ArnoldSchwarzenneger)I'M GLAD YOU ASKEDME THIS QUESTION.

I'M GOING TO TAKE THEENTIRE STATE OF CALIFORNIA,

BEND HER OVERAND (bleep) HER, HARD,

A LOT, FOR FOUR YEARS.

ARNOLD, WHERE DO YOU STANDON GAY RIGHTS AND ABORTION?

(mimicking ArnoldSchwarzenneger)I'M GLAD YOU ASKEDME THIS QUESTION.

GAY RIGHTS,ABORTION IS SIMPLE.

ABORT THE GAYS.

ARNOLD, DO YOU HAVEA-A SOLUTION FOR THEROLLING BLACKOUTS?

(mimicking ArnoldSchwarzenneger)ANOTHER GREAT QUESTION.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEROLLING BLACKOUTS BECAUSE

THE BRUSH FIRESWILL GIVE YOU ALL OFTHE LIGHT YOU NEED.

(Juston McKinney)I GOT A DEGREE INLAW ENFORCEMENT

AND I WAS A COP UP INTHE STATE OF MAINE.

I WAS A COP FORSEVEN YEARS.

I WAS--ENDED UP ON THEPOOREST AND SMALLEST

POLICE DEPARTMENTIN THE STATE.

IT WAS 14 TOWNS, 500SQUARE MILES, TWO COPS.

MY BACKUP WAS A DAYAND A HALF AWAY.

I'M OUT IN THE WOODS, UPIN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

THERE'S MOOSE,DEER, HUNTERS...

WHAT COLOR WAS MY UNIFORM?

ALL BROWN.

IS THAT SOME KINDOF A SICK JOKE?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GLUESOME COTTON BALLS TO MY ASS?

HAVE ME LEAPOVER SHRUBBERY.

I'LL GO TAKE A SIPOUT OF A BROOK.

IT'S A WONDER IDIDN'T GET KILLED.

MY--THIS DEPARTMENTWAS PATHETIC.

WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVECRIME SCENE TAPE.

I HAD THIS OLD GUY--DIED ON THE PORCH.

I HAD TO ROPE OFFTHE SCENE, RIGHT?

I HAVE NO CRIMESCENE TAPE.

I HAVE TO ASK THEFAMILY FOR SOMETHING.

WELL, THE ONLY THINGTHAT THEY GOT IS, LIKE,A ROLL OF CREPE PAPER.

YOU KNOW, THESTREAMER STUFF?

OH, THAT'LL LOOK GOOD.

THERE'S A DEAD GUY...

LOOKS LIKE I'MTHROWING HIM A PARTY.

AND THEN I GOTTA TAKEPICTURES OF THE SCENE, RIGHT?

BUT THEY DIDN'TGIVE ME A CAMERA.

I HAD TO USE MY OWNPERSONAL CAMERA.

WELL, THE FIRST 10PICTURES ON THE ROLL

IS MY BROTHER'SGRADUATION PARTY.

SO NOW I GOT BROTHER'SGRADUATION...

DEAD GUY ON PORCH, ONTHE SAME ROLL OF FILM.

AND WE DIDN'THAVE A CRIME LAB.

I HAD TO TAKE IT TO WAL-MARTAND GET IT DEVELOPED.

YOU KNOW, THE POOR GUYDEVELOPING THE FILM

IS PROBABLY GOINGTHROUGH THE PICTURES,

LIKE, "WHOO, THISPARTY TURNED UGLY."

(Bobcat Goldthwait)I AM, UH, BALD.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS HAVEON MY REDNECK TOUPEE.

I DON'T MIND GOING BALD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

UH, GRAY PUBIC HAIRS.

SWEET (bleep), THAT WASA SAD, (bleep)ING DAY!

I LOOKED DOWN, I HADEIGHT WHITE HAIRS COMINGOUT OF MY BALL SACK.

I WAS LIKE, ETTU, BALL SACK?

AND I PLUCKED THEM OUT.

I DID... THAT'S WHY IKNOW THERE WAS EIGHT.

I CAN REMEMBER EACH(bleep)DAMN ONE INDIVIDUALLY.

BUT I'LL SAY THIS.

I LOOK SO MUCH YOUNGERFROM HERE TO HERE.

I LOOK LIKE I GOT A22 YEAR-OLD NUT SACK.

EASY.

EASY!

DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?

NO, I GOT RID OF MY SALTAND PEPPER NUT SACK.

(Eddie Gossling)I TRAVELED ALL THETIME GROWING UP.

MY DAD WAS INTHE AIR FORCE.

WE MOVED AROUND ALL THETIME, AND I NEEDED THAT.

'CAUSE, UH, WHEN I LIVEDIN NEBRASKA, I WAS NOT

GOING TO MAKE IT OUT OFHIGH SCHOOL IN FOUR YEARS.

I HAD A HORRIBLE SET OFENCYCLOPEDIAS GROWING UP.

MY PARENTS DIDN'TWANT TO GET NEW ONES,

SO THEY GOT MYGRANDMA'S OLD ONES.

A THROUGH Z WAS COVEREDIN TWO BOOKS THEN.

THOSE BOOKS WERE SO OLD.

I HAD NO IDEA HOWOLD THEY WERE UNTIL

I RECEIVED BACK MY FAILEDREPORT ON THE FIVE PLANETS

OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.

I COPIED THAT F RIGHTOUT OF THE BOOK!

BUT MY DAD GOTTRANSFERRED TO LOUISIANA,

AND I WAS, LIKE,TUTORING KIDS.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

UH, I WENT FROM IDIOTTO ELDER IN FOUR DAYS.

I GOT COCKY.

I THOUGHT ABOUTBECOMING A TEACHER.

BUT IF I WAS GONNA TEACH,I WOULDN'T TEACH ANYTHING

PAST THE SECOND GRADE.

'CAUSE I RECENTLY FOUNDOUT THAT A SECOND GRADE

TEACHER GETS PAIDTHE EXACT SAME WAGE

AS A HIGH SCHOOLPHYSICS TEACHER.

YEAH, GOOD MORNING,SECOND GRADE!

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A LESSONPLAN FOR THE SECOND GRADE.

EVERYTHING IS NEW TO THEM.

YOU COULD LIE TO THEM.

THEY DON'T KNOW.

COULD BE LIKE... TWOPLUS THREE EQUALS CHAIR.

MY GOD, THEY'REWRITING IT DOWN!

(Kevin Flynn)THE WORLD ALWAYS WORRIESABOUT OUR PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE,OH, HE'S A TOUGH GUY.

HE'S A COWBOY.

YA KNOW, I'M LIKEYOU'RE LUCKY...

THE WORLD IS LUCKY THAT THISGUY IS NOT STILL DRINKING.

LIKE, OUR PRESIDENTWAS ARRESTED FOR DRUNKDRIVING IN 1976.

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER HOWDRUNK YOU HAD TO BE IN 1976

TO GET ARRESTEDFOR DRUNK DRIVING?

I MEAN, 1976... IT WASALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

I MEAN, IN 1976 YOU HAD TOGET PULLED OUT OF THE CAR

AND FLAMES HAD TOROCKET OUT OF YOUR ASS.

IT'S LIKE, SIR, HAVEYOU BEEN DRINKING?

AND THE COPS WOULDSTILL BE LIKE,

YOU'RE (bleep)-FACED,YOU'RE HAMMERED.

YOU DRIVE STRAIGHTHOME, OKAY, PAL?

(Margaret Smith)PUT A NEW PAIROF UNDERWEAR ON,

I FEEL LIKE A MILLIONBUCKS, YOU KNOW?

I'M OPENING A PAIR OFTHOSE THE OTHER DAY.

A LITTLE PIECE OF PAPERFALLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.

MMM, I PICK IT UP.

INSPECTED BY MARY LOU.

WELL, THANK GOD!

LAST PAIR BURSTINTO FLAMES!

MARY LOU'S ON THE JOB.

I CAN WALK AROUNDSAFE IN MY UNDERWEAR.

EXCEPT NOW EVERY TIME IWEAR 'EM, I THINK ABOUT HER.

EH, I WONDERWHAT SHE'S DOIN'.

I WONDER IF SHE'STHINKIN' ABOUT ME.

SHE'S ALREADY BEENIN MY UNDERWEAR.

SHE COULD AT LEAST CALL.

I WEAR MY UNDERWEARWAY UP HERE.

EH, THE OLDER YOU GET, THEHIGHER YOUR UNDERWEAR GET.

LIKE RINGS ON A TREE.

YOU'RE 80,90 YEARS OLD...

YOUR BREASTSARE INSIDE 'EM.

WHEN YOU DIE, THEY JUSTPULL 'EM UP OVER YOUR HEAD.

AHHH... SHE'S GONE.

(Mike Yard)LET ME TELL YOU HOWCOLD NEW YORK CITY IS.

THIS IS THE COLDEST CITYON THE PLANET, MAN.

I'M NOT TALKINGWEATHER-WISE.

DO YOU ALL REALIZE THATPEOPLE IN NEW YORK

RODE ON THE SUBWAY WITH ADEAD DUDE FOR EIGHT HOURS?

AND NOBODY KNEWHE WAS DEAD!

WHERE ELSE IN THISWORLD CAN YOU BE DEAD

ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATIONAND NOBODY KNOW?

YOU CANNOT BE DEAD ONA BUS IN CHARLESTON

FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME.

'CAUSE AT SOME POINT,SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE LIKE,

COME ON, BUDDY, YOUGOT TO BREATHE!

COME ON, WORKWITH ME, BUDDY.

IN AND OUT!

NOT IN NEW YORK.

IN NEW YORK, WE JUST RIDE.

DEAD DUDE RIGHTHERE... WE JUST RIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVENMORE AMAZING THAN THAT?

THAT MEANS THAT HERODE THROUGH MORNINGRUSH HOUR DEAD.

BUT CHECK IT!

AFTERNOON RUSH HOUR--HE WASSTILL DEAD AND NOBODY KNEW.

AND COME ON, YOU KNOWIT'S NEW YORK CITY.

YOU KNOW AT SOME POINT,SOMEBODY HAD TO GET INTOAN ARGUMENT WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW THERE WAS SOMEBODYSITTING ON THE TRAIN GOING,

DO YOU SEE THISMOTHER (bleep)ERLEANING ON ME, DUDE?

GET THE (bleep)OFF OF ME, YO.

OH, NOW YOU GONNA ACTLIKE YOU DON'T HEAR ME?

PSHHHHHHHHH.

IF I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE,I'D BE WRONG, WOULDN'T I?

THIS MOTHER (bleep)ER'SIGNORING ME.

AND ANY OTHER CITY THATHAPPENED, EVERYBODY WOULD BE,

OH MY GOD.

HOW IN THE HELL DIDSOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN?

NOT NEW YORKERS.

WE WAS JUST LIKE, THANK GODTHEY GOT HIM AFTER FIVE,

'CAUSE THAT WOULDHAVE SHUT DOWN THETRAIN FOR EIGHT HOURS.

'CAUSE YOU KNOWHOW WE GET

WHEN THERE'S A SICKPASSENGER ON THE TRAIN.

WE BE LIKE...

THEY GET ON THEMICROPHONE AND BE LIKE,

"YEAH, WE'RE GONNA BESTUCK HERE IN THE STATION

ON ACCOUNT OF ASICK PASSENGER."

WE BE LIKE, GOD!

CAN WE JUST PUT HIM ON THEPLATFORM AND KEEP IT MOVING?

(Mark Curry)I GREW UP POOR.

ANYBODY GREW UP POOR?

AIN'T NOTHIN' WRONGWITH GROWING UP POOR.

BEING POOR IS COOL.

I GREW UP THE BABY OFEIGHT KIDS, YOU KNOW.

WE GREW UP IN ATWO-BEDROOM HOUSE.

MOM NEVER HAD TOWORRY ABOUT CURFEW.

YOU CAME HOME LATE,YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BED.

IT WAS SIMPLE.

MY BROTHER IN BED AT FIVEO'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON,

EATIN' DINNER.

HALLOWEEN WAS A TRIP.

HALLOWEEN--WE COULDN'T AFFORDNO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

EIGHT KIDS... PLEASE.

MOMMA SENT US DOWNTO THE LIQUOR STORE.

PUT BOXES ON US.

WE DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WE WERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE.

I DON'T KNOW.

UH, SHE DIDN'T TELL US.

I THINK WE UPS, IGUESS, I DON'T KNOW.