The Route of All Evil

  • Season 3, Ep 17
  • 02/19/2008

Cubert and Dwight's new delivery company drives Planet Express out of business.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

BENDER:Ah, beer.

So many choices

and it makesso little difference.

FRY:How about Lobrau?

It has dots on it.

Overruled! The choiceof champions is

Pabst Blue Robot.I can't drink that.

The metal shavingsmake my throat bloody.

Waah, waah!Baby wants a Zima.

Hey, hey, wecan all fightwhen we're drunk.

Now, listen, why don't we justbrew our own beer?

You can brew your own beer?

Sure. The kidsat the Orphanarium

used to do itall the time.

( heavenly chord plays )

( crashing )

Cursed bacteria of Liberia!

My own son,suspended from boarding school.

It's not my fault, Dad.

PROFESSOR:And you, Cubert!

I cloned youfrom one of my warts,

and I can send youstraight back in there!


What's going on?

Is this angry yelling

or busted hearing aid yelling?

I'm afraid it's both.What?!

Now, hold on.Everyone cool your daiquiris.

Let's give the little vermina chance to explain themselves.

It was self-defense, Mom.

Just look at this letterthe principal sent.

We were in science class,

and we had just finishedbuilding

a miniature black hole.

That was easy.

Pretty scrawnyblack hole.

It must be hungry.

( scoffs )

Black holesdon't need food.

Neither do nerds!

My Manwich!

( laughing )

That's it, Brett--you've compressedour lunches

to a singularityfor the last time!

Salt him, Dwight!

( groaning )

When I resolidify, I'm goingto put you in a world of goop.

( both whimpering )

See? That bully started it.

We couldn't fight back withbrawn, so we used our brains.

I warned younot to use those things!

Let's see. We've gotour malt, our hops...

We just need a big,disposable tub to mix it in.


Now it needs to boilfor a couple hours.

( whistling a tune )

( video game beeping )

Dwight, you rememberthe crew.( grunts )

Crew, you remember Cubert?

( all grunt )


Then I'm sureyou won't mind

being their legalguardians for a month.

Well, well,

if it isn't my old friends,


No-Pants and...


We're making beer;I'm the brewery.

I heard alcoholmakes you stupid.

No, I'm... doesn't.

Actually, Dwight,you're right--

alcohol is very,very bad...

for children.

But, once you turn 21, itbecomes very, very good.

So scram!

Oh, man,I'm sick of this.( grumbling )

( electronic beeping )

Hey, Dad.

What useless contraption

are you half-baking today?


Oh, this is mylatest invention--

a device that lets anyonesound exactly like me.

( Professor's voice ):Good news, everyone--I'm a horse's butt.

I am? That's not good newsat all, you little...

( whimpers like Professor )

What's this device'smarketability?

Who's the target consumer?

There is notarget consumer--

only targets.

Targets that willtremble in fear

as their new mastershand down edicts

in my glorious, booming voice!

( own exaggerated voice ):Now, quit pestering me

you confounded scoundrels!

♪ Stamp it, file it, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Send it overnight... ♪

Can I collate that?

No.Can I shredthese contracts?


Wow! A power stamper!

( all yelling )

Now look at all the workI got to do!


( both laughing )

( loud belch )

Mmm! The ingredientsare cooked,

and they've picked up some ofyour natural robot flavorings.

Time to add the yeast.

Yeast? You mean...

I'll have a life-formgrowing inside me?

( voice breaking ):It's so beautiful.

( blows nose )

( phone ringing )

Talk to me.

This is Professor Farnsworth.

I have an important deliveryfor you and your dumb crew.

You must deliver a pizzato Dogdoo Eight,

a planet at the edgeof the universe.

( Professor's voice ):Sorry I can't come downto say good-bye,

but I'm busy inventinguseless junk.

And I smell bad.

( both giggling )

( giggling continues )

( video game beeping )


( groans )

If you were my kids,

you'd get quitea talking-to...

from your father...

when he got homefrom the senate.

Oh, bother!What have they done now?

Those pork dumplingssent us on a fakepizza delivery!

The address wason Dogdoo Eight,

but the universeends right afterDogdoo Seven.

Child-mon, is this true?

Yeah, but why areyou mad at us?

Your dummy brigadewasted a week on anobviously fake mission.

Plus, they're making bootlegbeer inside company property.

Lies! Lies and slander!

( loud belch )

Accusing gentle Benderof a misdeed?

That's the last straw!

You boys have beenunderfoot long enough!

You jerked the wordsright out of my mouth.

We're their fathers,and it's high timeswe acted like it.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!Here comes violence.

( clears throat )

Get a job,you lazy kids.

Uh... I guess,if you want children beaten

you have to do it yourself.

Come on, Dad,shuffle faster!

You don't want tomiss the unveiling

of our newcompany, do you?


( laughing )

How cute.

What will you be peddling?

Lemonade? Shoe shines?

Cootie insurance?

Perhaps they'veconstructed ateddy bear hospital.

( both chuckling )

Actually, we're starting acompeting delivery company.

Welcome to the worldof business.

( both grunting )

( both grunting )

Who's going to usea delivery service

with a kicked sign?

Nobody-- that's who!

But we already havea client signed up.

We're deliveringthe Daily Supernova.

( Hermes chuckling )

So your delivery company

is just a cute,harmless paper route.


No. It's a serious business.

Yes, it's a tremendousresponsibility all right.

( chuckling )

What if a paper wereto land in a puddle?

Civilization as we know itmight get splashed.

( both chuckling )

DWIGHT: Why do they always treat us

like dumb kids?

We're practically old enough tofind the Fox Network infantile.

Yeah, we'll show them.

All Awesome Express needs

is a sturdy interstellardelivery craft.


You got a quarter?

Man, the ad saidto allow four to sixseconds for delivery.

( scoffs ):More like seven.

( yells )

I'm really startingto swell up with beer.

I must look ridiculous.

No. You have a healthy glow.

( belches ):Oh, my God!

I just felt it ferment!

Ooh! Let me feel.

Have you thoughtabout what to name it?

I was thinking Benderbrauif it's an ale;

Botweiser if it's a lager.

I hope it's a lager,so I can take it to a ball game.

( loud belch )

( laughs )Ooh! I felt that one!

( hammering and drilling )

( squeaking and clicking )

Oh, there's a crackin the hull here.

That could causeexplosive decompression.

Put a sticker on it.

Off on your first delivery, eh?

You be careful,my little tinkler.

Remember we usedto call you that, huh? Tinkler?

Gets moving!

Those newspapers won'tsdeliver themselveses.

Only the Sunday editioncan do's that.

Goodness, there must be50 papers in that bundle.

That's a big number-- 50.

Yeah, if you're an idiot.

Three, two, one.

All systems go.

Blast off!

( pedals squeaking )

See you at din-din!

I'm blowing you a kiss!


( blows )

Aah! Take evasive action!

PROFESSOR:It's closing in.You can't avoid it.

It's a cheek seeker.

And... gotcha!


( Cubert spitting repeatedly )

( dog barking )

( barking )

( dog squeals )


( both laughing )

( flashbulbs popping )

Business is down,so I have filed papers

to have you all reclassifiedas slaves.

( wheel squeaking )

PROFESSOR:Well, well,

if it isn't our littlemunchkin moguls.

Would you just...

What's the trouble, men?

Need some penny rollsfor your profits?

Actually,thanks to Dwight'sbrilliant accounting

and my unaccountablebrilliance, ( snorts )

our paper route now hasover a million customers!

We're finally makingmore money than you guys!

Aren't youimpressed now, Pops?

Aren't you?Aren't you? a small way, yes.

But you still don't haveyour own building

or conference table or...

or one of those things.


Our dads are never impressed,no matter what we do.

Maybe we shouldstart a fire.

If we really wantto impress them

we'll have to crush them--with strategy...

"Dwight Lightning."

Very well, but I get toname the next strategy.


on The Real World--"The Sun."

( man screams )

I'm burning to death!

Oh! You know how much

an apartmentthat big would cost

on the sun?

People, as you know,our young sons

have becomegreat successes

in the very samefield as us.

Yay!That's great!All right!

Naturally,we're humiliated.

That's why we need you,our loyal crew

to make Planet Express800% more profitable.

We'll startby slashing salaries.

And, this time,I mean really slashing.

Uh, guys, I don't know howto tell you this

so I'll just let Fryblurt it out thoughtlessly.

We don't workfor you anymore!

( gasps )What?!

Dwight and Cubert

made us a better offer.

We're paperboys now.


We got papersto stuff, team.

Hut two, hut two!

Yes, sir.Right away.

We're on it,Mr. Farnsworth.

Folks, the situation is grim,but we shall prevail,

thanks to you,our crack team of loyal dregs.

I don't even knowwho this guy is.

I'm Scruffy the janitor.

Yes, of course you are.

Now, we've gotto buckle down

and save Planet Express.

I'm on break.

( slow crunching )

Sorry to interruptthis whirlwind of activity,

but we have an announcement.

I direct your attentionto these forms,

which I'm presently engagedin handing to you.

Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg!

They've taken over our company.

Balderdash! I neveragreed to that.

No, but you diddeclare yourself dead

three years agoas a tax dodge.

Tax dodge, nothing.

You take one napin a ditch at the park,

and they start declaring youthis and that.

Either way, I technicallyinherit your building

and your spaceship,

which meansPlanet Express is now...

( machine beeps )

Awesome Express!

You rotten kids!

Uh... will you be hiring?


You rotten kids!

( grunting )

There-- one million papersfolded and loaded.

Hey, Leela, help me apply

these flame decalsI got in my cereal.

They'll make the shipgo faster.

And what's your scientificbasis for thinking that?

I'm 12.

Oh... Did Iever tell you

how I used toown that ship?

There,but for the grace of God...

( gobbling )

♪ Hush, little brewskie,don't you leak ♪

♪ Daddy wants to drinkfor at least a week. ♪

( stomach rumbles loudly )

Oh, my God!

I think it's time!

Hurry, Leela!

Get some coastersand cold mugs.

( Bender groaning )

FRY: Push, Bender, push.

( groaning )

You're doing great.

It feels like I'm tryingto push a waterbed out of me.

Almost there--just two more bottles.

Is it okay?

I can't hearanything.

( slurps )

It's an ale--five gallons, six ounces.

( moaning )

Hey, what's going on?

This is adelivery company,not a delivery room.

We justbusted our buns

deliveringa million papers

and this ishow you greet us?

With a bunchof frosty, cold beers?

Hey, wait a second.

How did you deliver

a million papers in one hour?

Uh... we just did, okay?

'Cause we're awesome.



( telephone ringing )

Hello. Awesome Express--

the rude, crude delivery dudes.

How may I direct your call?

What's that?

You haven't gotten your paper?

In how long?

( many phones ringing )

Might a homeless old man havea touch more beef bourguignonne?

And another tequila slammer?


Don't you sweet-talk me,

you wrinkly old tube sock.

May I have one,too, wife?

You're both pathetic,

being jealousof your own offspring.

Now, you should be happythat they became successes

instead of followingin your footsteps.

Oh, it's true,but they grow up so fast.

We just wanteda few more years

of being betterthan them.

They're sostinking talented,

they don't even needtheir fathers anymore.

( weeping )

( door slams )


We screwed up!

You did?

Tough luck, suckers.

Please, help us, Pops.

We agreed to deliverway more papers

than we could handle.

But we couldn'thandle 'em,

so we starteddumping the extras

in a crateron the moon.

And now everybody'syelling at us

about theirmissing papers.

And we don't knowwhat to do.

( kids crying )

( fathers laughing )


Why did you boysdo all this?

We just wanted youto be proud of us.

Proud of you?

You ruined uswith sleazy business practices

and a complete disregardfor human decency.

Of coursewe're proud of you.

Damn right we are.

Now, come on--let's go do

a little father-sonweaseling out of this.

PROFESSOR: Good thing I had this net installed

for catching giraffes.

Okay, boys,let me show you

how a paper man does it.

Au revoir...!

Can I usethe gun, Dad?

Oh, what kind of fatherwould I be if I said no?

Only one house to go.

We did it!

( cheering )


( gasps )

Run away! That bullyBrett Blob lives there.

He's ugly, mean,stupid, stink mucus,

and, last week, wesort of broke his window.

All right, all right--what do we do

when we break somebody's window?

Pay for it?

Oh, heavens, no.

We apologize--with nice, cheap words.

( doorbell ringing )

I thoughtI heard the doorbell,

but I see it was the dork bell.

( laughing )

Uh, you made afunny good one, Brett.

Now, now, no need togive us the business.

We'd like a wordwith your daddy.

Whatever. Dad!

Don't worry, boys.

I'm sure his father

is a perfectly normal,reasonable man.

What the hell do you want?

Mr. Blob, our sonshave come to apologize

for damaging your window.

They've learned their lessonand they want to make amends.

I'm sorry, sir.

Yeah. Sorry.

You can shove your apology

into the bottom of yourone-way digestive system.

Now, see here--we assured our sons

that you'd accepttheir apology.

Aww. Tell you what.

I'll accept their apologywhen they kiss my ass--

which I don't have.

( laughing )

No one gives my boythat option.

Bring it on, Jell-O Pop.

Yeah! Get him, Dad!

Show him who's boss.

( pained groans )

Get him... Pops.


( dog yapping )

( growls )

That was incredible!

You are the bravest dadsin the entire trauma center.

You guys almost had him--until he digested you.

Aw, you're good kids.

( coughing )

If I couldfeel anything right now,

it would be pride.

( screaming )( screaming )

I was wrong! I canstill feel pain!

( knocking )

( shrieks )

He's cometo finish the job.

Someone toss meout the window!

No, no. Wait.

I-I feel terribleabout what happened.

I've just been undera lot of stress lately

down at the plant,you know.

They're bringing in computersto "improve productivity"

and... well, that'sno excuse for how I acted,

but the boyneeds to seethat real men

solve their disagreementswith words, not violence,

so, uh... if you'llaccept my apology, well,

I hope we can put thisembarrassing incident behind us.

Mm... I suppose.Oh, ah...

Hey, chumps! I heard you were

on the ass endof an ass-kicking,

so I figured you could usea couple of these little babies.

Oh, why not?Might as well live it up

as long as I've gotthis catheter in me.

Won't you join us,Mr. Blob?

Sounds like a plan.

This is what makes lifeworth clinging to--

three fathers enjoyinga day out with their sons.

( bottles clink )

It would seemwe've taught our boys

a lesson about life--

Man or blob,it's what's inside that counts.

( muffled shouts )

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