Extended - Thursday, December 17, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 12/17/2015

Tom Lennon, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Moshe Kasher sum up #2015In5Words, revisit the year's trends and present awards to viral video stars in this extended, uncensored episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NOW AS OUR TREK DOWN THE

DISGUSTING SHIT PATH THAT WAS2015 BEGINS, IT IS TIME TO

RELIVE OUR SORDID PAST WITHPANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SOCIAL MEDIA BROUGHT POLITICAL

PANDERING TO NEW HEIGHTS, SLASHLOWS IN 2015, LIKE WHEN THE

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES SHOWED OFFTHEIR INCURABLE WHITENESS.

FIRST OF ALL, BUZZ KILLMOTHER-IN-LAW IN A BRO COMEDY

HILLARY CLINTON BOOGIED ON"ELLEN."

(TOM CACKLES)(LAUGHTER)

THANKS FOR THAT.

>> IT TOOK A SECOND.

>> HARDWICK: IT TAKES A SECOND,YEAH.

>> TOOK A SECOND. THAT WAS...

WE'RE ALL THERE.

>> HARDWICK: BUT WHEN YOU REALLYSTART THINK ABOUT IT, WHEN YOU

PUT IT TOGETHER, IT'S ALL RIGHTTHERE.

>> IT WAS ALL THERE.

>> HARDWICK: ANYWAY, SHE HAD THEGRACE OF A DANCER FROM "TODDLERS

AND TIARAS."

TAKE A LOOK.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)♪ SILENTÓ

SILENTÓ... ♪(LAUGHTER)

>> WHOA.

>> HARDWICK: "YOU NEED TO DANCEBETTER IF YOU WANT TO MAKE MAMA

PROUD."

(LAUGHTER)THEN, LOW-BUDG DOC BROWN

COSPLAYER BERNIE SANDERS, UH...

(LAUGHTER)...SHOWED US... SHOWED US WHAT

IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN A MAN... WHENA MAN PERMANENTLY TOUCHING A

TESLA COIL DANCES.

(LAUGHTER)>> ♪ SHAKE THAT, SHAKE THAT

WORK THAT, WORK THATMOVE THAT, YEAH

♪ SHE A GOOD GIRLBUT YOU KNOW SHE... ♪

>> HARDWICK: S-SOMEBODY HELPHIM!

HE'S NOT OKAY! SOMEBODY...

>> WHY-WHY IS IT...?

WHY IS ELLEN DEGENERES FORCINGALL OF THESE WHITE PEOPLE TO

DANCE?

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO WELL.

WE, LIKE, CONTROL SHIT.

(LAUGHTER)THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

>> I DIDN'T ANTICIPATE THAT.

>> HARDWICK: THE DEMOCRATS KNOWTHEY CAN'T JUST EMBARRASS THEIR

WAY TO VICTORY, RIGHT?

APPARENTLY NOT, BECAUSE THEN,FUTURE VIAGRA SPOKESMAN MARTIN

O'MALLEY WENT ON "THE VIEW,"DROPPED A LITTLE T. SWIFT.

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING ON TV)>> ♪ YOU MADE A REALLY DEEP CUT

AND, BABY, NOW WE GOT BAD BLOODHEY! ♪

>> HARDWICK: OH.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(LIKE TEENAGE GIRL): "DAD, SHUT

UP-UH!

DAD, SHUT UP-UH!

SHUT UP, DAD!

JUST BRING US THE S'MORES FORTHE SLEEPOVER!"

(LAUGHTER)"STOP STARING AT MY FRIENDS IN

THEIR PAJAMAS."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)SO...

>> THE BEST THING IS, MY SON ISHERE BACKSTAGE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, IS HE?

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S BACK THERE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, EVEN HE WOULDBE HORRIFIED BY THIS, HORRIFIED.

>> OH, SO MANY GREAT THINGSWE'RE SAYING TONIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, SO,SINCE THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES

INSIST ON MAKING THE ELECTION ATALENT SHOW, COMEDIANS, AS A

JUDGE ON "ANNOYING VOICE," UH,REVIEW O'MALLEY'S PERFORMANCE.

WEIRD AL.

>> WELP, NOW WE KNOW WHY ISISHATES US.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

THIS IS IT.

TOM LENNON.

>> (WITH ACCENT): MR. MARTINO'MALLEY, OKAY.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU.

YOU AND ME ARE NEVER ACTUALLYGETTING BACK TOGETHER, 'CAUSE

YOU JUST BROKE MY HEART WITHYOUR LICKS FROM THAT SPICY

PEPPERMINT BARK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)MOSHE KASHER.

>> UH, MARTIN O'MALLEY, THAT WASA BIGGER EMBARRASSMENT TO THE

IRISH PEOPLE THAN... THECATHOLIC CHURCH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS. YEAH.

(WHOOPING)THERE'S, LIKE, A SECTION OF

PEOPLE...

(IRISH ACCENT): HOW DARE YA SAYTHAT!

NO, MOSHE KASHER!

I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!

>> WE LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT!

>> HARDWICK: I'LL RIP IT OFF,YOU TAYLOR SWIFT-THIEVIN'

MOTHERFUCKERS!

(LAUGHTER)YOU GOT BAD BLOOD OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF.

(LAUGHTER)MOVING ON.

UH, PUFFY BOOGER MIKEHUCKABEE...

(LAUGHTER)WE'RE HAVING FUN.

IT'S THE LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR.

>> LOOK, HIS ONE EYE IS FOCUSEDON THE ELECTION, AND THE OTHER

ONE ON THE FUTURE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WELL...

YEAH.

SO, HUCKABEE'S BEEN AT THEBOTTOM OF THE POLLS ALL YEAR,

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN RAND PAUL ANDA DRONE THAT BLASTS METALLICA

AND FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE AROUNDBLACK PEOPLE, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)...IT DIDN'T STOP HIM FROM

RUNNING A PANDERING MASTERCLASS.

LIKE WHEN HE POSTED THIS PICTUREOF HIM WITH CHUCK NORRIS, SEEN

HERE HOLDING AN INVISIBLE DICK.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)YEAH.

>> I'VE MET HIM AND THAT'SACCURATE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: JUST THIS WEEK

HUCKABEE DESPERATELY CLUNG TORELEVANCE BY GRAMMING THE

MIRACULOUS CONTENTS OF A FORTUNECOOKIE THAT CONTAINED TWO

FORTUNES WITH THE COMMENT:"I GUESS THIS PRETTY WELL

SETTLES IT."

HIS FORTUNE SAID, "YOU WILLHAVE GOOD LUCK AND OVERCOME MANY

HARDSHIPS," AND THE OTHERONE SAID, "GOD WILL GIVE YOU

EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT."

YES, MIKE HUCKABEE, GOD WILLGIVE YOU EVERYTHING THAT YOU

WANT.

EXCEPT THAT... THAT THIS CAMEFROM THE KITCHEN OF A CHINESE

RESTAURANT, THE GOD WE'REPROBABLY TALKING ABOUT IS IN

FACT THIS GUY, ANCIENT CHINESEKITCHEN GOD...

ZAO JUN.

SO, YES, A KNOWN BATSHITFUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN ZEALOT

MIKE HUCKABEE, ZAO JUN, WHO WENTBLIND AFTER COMMITTING ADULTERY

AND WAS ALSO SO OVERCOME WITHREMORSE THAT HE COMMITTED

SUICIDE IN A LIT OVEN, WILLANSWER ALL YOUR PRAYERS ABOUT

STOPPING GAY MARRIAGE.

SO... COMEDIANS, NOW THAT THEGUY WHO WROTE GOD, GUNS, GRITS,

AND GRAVY IS INTO MYTHOLOGYWORSHIP, PLEASE GIVE ME A PRAYER

FROM MIKE HUCKABEE TO ONE OF HISNEW GODS.

MOSHE.

>> OH, COLONEL SANDERS...

(LAUGHTER)...PLEASE, PLEASE START

KENTUCKY-FRYING POSSUM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)UH, WEIRD AL.

>> OH, ZOVIRAX, ALL-KNOWING ANDALL-SEEING LORD OF THE

NETHERWORLD, PLEASE DON'T LETTHE COPS SEE WHAT'S ON MY HARD

DRIVE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS. TOM LENNON.

>> MIKE HUCKABEE'S PRAYER IS--BY MERCURY, WINGED GOD OF SPEED,

LET ME GET TO THE BATHROOM OFTHIS CRACKER BARREL...

(LAUGHTER)...BEFORE I SHART MY DOCKERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)POINTS.

>> BEFORE I SHART MY DOCKERSWITH GOD, GUNS, GRITS AND GRAVY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TO

MOSHE KASHER FOR THE TAG.

AND AS WE WIND DOWN THE YEAR INPANDERING, IT'S WORTH NOTING

THAT OTHER COUNTRIES ARE ALSOUSING THE INTERNET TO MAKE A

MOCKERY OF THEIR ELECTORALPROCESS.

A RUSSIAN CITY THAT'S BEENROCKED BY CORRUPTION SCANDALS

HAS A CAT RUNNING FOR MAYOR, ANDHE'S ACTUALLY POLLING HIGHER

THAN SOME OF THE HUMANCANDIDATES.

(LAUGHTER)BARSIK THE CAT IS ACTUALLY A

RUSSIAN INTERNET SENSATION.

THIS WOULD BE LIKE, UH, GRUMPYCAT POLLING HIGHER THAN JOHN

KASICH.

NOW, AUDIENCE, HOW MANY OF YOUACTUALLY KNOW WHO JOHN KASICH

IS?

OKAY, HOW MANY OF YOU ACTUALLYKNOW WHO GRUMPY CAT IS?

(WHOOPING)>> OH, WOW.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK THATSETTLES IT-- JOHN KASICH, IF

YOU'RE WATCHING AND YOU WANT TOGET AHEAD, YOU GOT TO START

FROWNING AND LICKING YOURASSHOLE.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)THIS... THIS REALLY DOES LOOK

LIKE SOME RUSSIAN PERSON, LIKE:(RUSSIAN ACCENT): FINE, AMERICA.

YOU HAVE GRUMPY CAT, WE HAVEFRUMPY CAT, ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)HE'S GRUMPIER CAT, AH? AH?

HE'S...

HIS LITTER BOX IS OLD MISSILESHELLS.

(LAUGHTER)HE HAS RADIOACTIVE HUMAN PENIS

FROM CHERNOBYL.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, AS A POLITICIAN

RUNNING AGAINST A CAT, WHAT LINEWOULD YOU USE TO DEFAME YOUR

OPPONENT?

MOSHE.

>> (RUSSIAN ACCENT): EH, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN, MY OPPONENT IS A

PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> BIG PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: TOM LENNON.

>> MY OPPONENT WANTS YOU TOFOCUS ON ISIS... SO THAT YOU

WILL NOT LOOK AT THE FACT THATHE IS LICKING BALLS THAT ARE NO

LONGER THERE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)THAT'S VERY DEEP.

>> MY... MY NAME IS LINDSEYGRAHAM...

(LAUGHTER)...AND I... AND I APPROVE THESE

BALLS-- MESSAGE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AL YANKOVIC.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MYOPPONENT IS SOFT ON CRIME...

AND SOFT ON HIS FUZZY LITTLEBELLY!

OH, YES, YOU ARE! OOH, OH, YES,YOU ARE! OOH! OOH!

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: GENIUS!

POINTS, AL YANKOVIC.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)IT HAS BEEN QUITE A YEAR FOR THE

HASHTAG WARS.

WE COURAGEOUSLY TOOK ON BIGCHOWDER WITH #RUINASOUP.

WE PRESENTED A BLISTERINGCRITIQUE OF CELEBRITY CULTURE

AND CALZONE CULTURE WITH#PIZZALEBRITIES.

AND THEN ONE OF OUR WRITERS GOTHIGH AND DID #ADDGOATRUINAQUOTE.

THAT WAS A FUN ONE.

(LAUGHTER)SO TONIGHT WE WOULD LIKE YOUR

HELP SUMMING UP THE YEAR WITHTHE HASHTAG #2015IN5WORDS.

#2015IN5WORDS.

SOME EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE:SOME LIONS HAVE FIRST NAMES.

HMM.

SOME MIGHT BE: MASTURBATED TOSTAR WARS TRAILER.

UH... I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

MOSHE.

>> UH, MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER'SRESIDUALS STOPPED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AL.

>> FINALLY GOT HOVERBOARDS, THEYSUCK!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING)TOM LENNON.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK ENGAGED,DREAMS SHATTERED.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AW...

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)YEAH. POINTS, TOM.

MOSHE.

>> TRUMP OR ISIS, WHICH WORSE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> BIEBER'S DICK PIC...

CLIMATE CRISIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> ROBERT DURST, WORLD'S WORSTHUSBAND.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AL.

>> UH, CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T,CAN'T EVEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

WE ARE MARCHING THROUGH 2015.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY THIS WASTHE YEAR OF.

THIS WAS THE YEAR OF.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> BIG MONEY, BIG MONEY, BIG

MONEY, NO WHAMMIES.

>> HARDWICK: THE INTERNET HAD SOMANY TRENDS AND MEMES THIS YEAR,

THE HAPPY ONES, THE REPULSIVEONES, THE STRANGELY EROTIC ONES,

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, THEOBNOXIOUSLY VIRAL ONES.

SO, COMEDIANS, THIS IS YOUR LASTCHANCE TO DICK ON 2015'S

GREATEST TRENDS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME OF THESEINTERNET TRENDS, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO ANSWERSOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THEM.

OKAY, FIRST UP...

THE WHIP AND NAE NAE, WHIP ANDNAE NAE.

AH, YES, THIS THING.

>> ♪ GONNA DO IT FOR ME... >> HARDWICK: SO THIS... THIS

SIMPLE, CATCHY LITTLE DANCESPREAD LIKE A NOXIOUS FUNGUS,

AND THOUGH IT DID ONCE HAVE SOMESTREET CRED, BEFORE LONG IT WAS

BEING USED TO SELL USED CARS.

>> ♪ PICK OUT YOUR WHIPSO YOU CAN NAE NAE

PICK OUT YOUR WHIPSO YOU CAN NAE NAE... ♪

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, ALL

THESE LOCAL CAR SALESMEN HAVECHEESY TAG LINES.

WHAT IS HIS?

TOM.

>> I'VE BEEN TO THIS CARDEALERSHIP AND THE ACTUAL

TAGLINE IS "A HUMAN BEING CANSURVIVE UNDERWATER FOR THREE

MINUTES.

"DAD WAS DOWN THERE FOR NINE.

SO IF HE TRIES TO DO THE NAE NAEAND SELL YOU A CAMARO, JUST GO

WITH IT."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

BOY, IT'S A... IT'S A REALLYLONG TAGLINE TO PUT ON THE...

>> THE SIGN IS HUGE.

IT'S A HUGE SIGN, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> IT'S A HUGE SIGN.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, NETFLIXAND CHILL.

NOW, HORNDOGS FROM COAST TOCOAST GOT A NEW TERM FOR HOOKING

UP THIS YEAR, "NETFLIX ANDCHILL."

THAT'S WHERE YOU INVITE A NICELADY BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND YOU

SLIP HER YOUR BOJACK HORSEMAN ORHOUSE OF CARDS.

ALL THE MILLENIALS ARE DOING IT,THOUGH AS SLIM MUSIC POINTED

OUT, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY NEWBEHAVIOR.

UH, "Y'ALL LOVE TO ACT LIKE OURGENERATION IS SO BAD FOR

'NETFLIX & CHILL'. "YOUR GRANDMA RODE DICK IN A

DRIVE-IN MOVIE.

SAME THING."

>> YEAH, SHE DID.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, SHE DID.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, SINCEHISTORY ALWAYS REPEATS ITSELF,

WHAT TERMS DID THEY HAVE FOR"NETFLIX AND CHILL" BACK IN THE

DAY BEFORE THERE WAS NETFLIX ANDCHILLING?

TOM.

>> GIRL, LET'S WAGNER'S THE RINGCYCLE AND RIM JOB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AL.

>> I LIKE TO CALL IT SIMON ANDGARFUNKELING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> THIS ONE'S REALLY OLD, IT'S,UH, TIPPECANOE AND FINGER BANG,

TOO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT UP, MY LEAST FAVORITE WORDOF THE YEAR-- OUTRAGE.

OUTRAGE.

OUTRAGE WAS EVERYWHERE.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE ADDICTED TOOUTRAGE.

IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY THINGAMERICA EVEN MANUFACTURES

ANYMORE IS OUTRAGE.

PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGED ABOUTEVERYTHING FROM THE ALL-FEMALE

GHOSTBUSTERS REBOOT TO STARBUCKSREPLACING THE BABY JESUS WITH A

RED CUP OF COMMUNISM...

TO THE DENTIST GETTING ALL THOSEBAD YELP REVIEWS, UH...

HE'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOODDENTIST, YOU GUYS.

UH, THEN THERE WAS THIS.

FROM THE QUEEN HARPY OF OUTRAGE,CABLE NEWS BANSHEE NANCY GRACE,

"I WANT ANSWERS #BOXOFINFANTS"WHAT-WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT'S SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

I THINK AT THIS POINT SHEACTUALLY JUST SLEEPS IN A

TODDLER'S COFFIN TO BE OUT...

>> DEPENDING WHAT THE BOX ISLINED WITH, THAT COULD BE VERY

CUTE.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

THAT IS THE SOFTEST BOX THAT YOUCOULD EVER...

>> IT'S PRESENTATIONAL.

>> YEAH, EXACTLY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S VERYPRESENTATIONAL-- OH, A BOX OF

INFANTS.

>> OH, A BOX OF INFANTS, THANKYOU VERY MUCH.

FOR YOU!

>> HARDWICK: FOR...

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS HAS TOSTOP-- I'M OUTRAGED AND I WANT

ANSWERS.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, MAMA ALWAYSSAID LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF

INFANTS.

UH...

SO...

>> POINTS.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THANK YOU.

NO, LISTEN, THERE IS PLENTY OFREAL INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD, TO

BE SURE, BUT THERE'S THIS CRAZYTHING THAT THE MEDIA'S DOING,

WHICH IS THEY'RE JUST BAITING USINTO OUTRAGE.

AND-AND OF COURSE IT'S GOOD...

TH-THEY'RE... IT'S GOOD TO FIGHTFOR GOOD SOCIAL CAUSES.

BUT WHAT THESE WEB SITES AREDOING IS THEY'RE JUST... THEY'RE

USING OUR SOCIAL SENSITIVITIESAND THEY'RE POKING THEM TO GET

WEB SITE TRAFFIC.

THEY'RE FUCKING MANIPULATING US.

THAT IS THE MOST OUTRAGEOUSTHING OF ALL AND NO ONE EVER

POINTS IT OUT, SO THIS IS WHAT IWOULD LIKE YOU TO DO.

THE NEXT TIME YOU GUYS SEE SOMEARTICLE HEADLINE, "PEOPLE ARE

OUTRAGED" AND KIND OF LOOK ATTHAT AND YOU GO, "ARE THEY

REALLY OUTRAGED ABOUT THAT?",DON'T CLICK ON IT OR SAY "FUCK

THAT"-- INSTEAD GO IN THECOMMENT THREAD AND I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO USE THE #OUTRAGEBAIT SOWE CAN TRY TO SHAME THESE FUCK

BAGS WHO DO NOT OWN OUR OUTRAGE.

I AM OUTRAGED NOW!

COMEDIANS, WHAT WERE YOU MOSTOUTRAGED ABOUT IN 2015 THAT

DIDN'T GET THE COVERAGE ITDESERVED?

AL.

>> CHIPOTLE CHARGING ME EXTRAFOR THE DIARRHEA.

CHIPOTLE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> UH, MY PEOPLE, THE JEWS, LOSTTHE WAR ON CHRISTMAS AGAIN FOR

THE 2,000TH YEAR IN A ROW.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

AND FINALLY, ANIMALS WITH FOOD.

ANIMALS WITH FOOD.

IF THERE'S ONE THING THEINTERNET LOVES IT'S ANIMALS.

IF THERE'S TWO THINGS THEINTERNET LOVES IT'S ANIMALS WITH

FOOD, 'CAUSE THEY ALSO EAT FOOD,YOU GUYS.

THEY HAVE TO EAT TO SUSTAINTHEIR LIVES.

WHENEVER THE TWO ARE COMBINED WELOSE ALL THE SHITS IN OUR BODY.

PIZZA RAT STOLE OUR HEARTS ANDBLED RABIES ALL OVER IT.

UH, BEFORE LONG WE ALSO HADMILKSHAKE SQUIRREL.

>> HE WANTS SOME SHAKE SHACK!

>> HARDWICK: OH, HE THINKS HE'SPEOPLE.

SO COMEDIANS, AFTER SUCCEEDINGIN RETRIEVING HIS COVETED

MILKSHAKE, WHAT WAS THE FATE OFTHE SQUIRREL?

AL.

>> HE FROSTED HIS TAIL AND NOWHE'S THE GUY FIERI OF SQUIRRELS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TOM.

>> UM, I ACTUALLY KNOW WHATREALLY HAPPENED.

THIS SQUIRREL HAD THREECALLBACKS FOR THE CHIPMUNKS

MOVIE, UM, BUT THEN DIED FROMAUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S...

OH, YEAH, POINTS.

>> VERY SAD.

>> IT'S A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.

>> IT'S A CAUTIONARY TALE.

>> IT WAS TERRIBLE...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TOUGH, YOUGUYS, I MEAN, WE CAN SIT HERE

AND LAUGH ABOUT IT, BUT IT'S NOTREALLY THAT FUNNY.

A LOT OF SQUIRRELS HAVE CHOKEDCHOKING THEMSELVES WITH THEIR

OWN TAILS AND THEN...

MOSHE.

>> UH, HE MARRIED HIS LONGTIMEGIRLFRIEND SHAWARMA RACCOON.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POI...

POINTS.

FINALLY.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOU HOWON JANUARY 1 OF THIS YEAR WE

ASKED THREE COMEDIANS WHO WERERIGHT HERE TO SEND THEMSELVES A

FUTUREME.ORG E-MAIL WITH THEIRPREDICTIONS FOR THE COMING YEAR.

THINK THEY SHOULD BE ARRIV...

IF WE'RE DOING OUR CALCULATIONSPROPERLY, THEY SHOULD BE

ARRIVING ANY SECOND-- LET'S SEEHOW CLOSE THEIR HOPES, GOALS AND

DREAMS WERE FOR THE YEAR.

(DING)OH, THERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

I BELIEVE THAT WAS FROM A YOUNGTOM LENNON.

TOM, WHAT WERE YOU LOOKINGFORWARD TO?

>> "TOM, I KNOW IN 2015 ALL YOUREALLY WANT IS TO SEE JUSTIN

BIEBER'S DICK AND TO LOSE@MIDNIGHT SIX TIMES."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THAT REALLY WORKED OUTWELL.

THAT REALLY WORKED OUT WELL FORYOU.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

>> WIN-WIN.

(DING)>> HARDWICK: OH, THERE'S ANOTHER

ONE.

I BELIEVE THAT'S OUR NEXTE-MAIL.

IT'S FROM "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC.

AL, WHAT WERE YOU LOOKINGFORWARD TO?

>> I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO THEART OF LETTER WRITING.

IN FACT, I THINK IT'LL BE FUN TOSEND SOME TAUNTING LETTERS TO

THAT GUY EL CHAPO IN PRISON.

THAT GUY'S NEVER GETTING OUT.

I'LL BE LIKE, "DEAR EL CHAPO,YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF CRAP.

HOPE YOU LIKE PRISON 'CAUSEYOU'LL FOR SURE BE THERE

FOREVER.

I'M INCLUDING MY HOME ADDRESS INCASE YOU WANT TO WRITE BACK."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(DING)MOSHE.

THAT'S OUR LAST E-MAIL.

WHAT WERE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TOTHIS YEAR?

>> "WELL, MY... MY WIFE AND IARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE BIRTH

OF OUR DAUGHTER.

"WE'RE GONNA NAME HER AFTER MYFAVORITE EGYPTIAN GODDESS, ISIS.

AND IF IT'S A BOY, BILL COSBYTHE REDSKINS."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TIME NOW TOPLAY THE TWENTY-FIFTEENIES!

(HUMMING)NOW, WE'D LIKE TO GIVE OUT SOME

AWARDS FOR ALL THE DUMB STUFFTHAT HAPPENED IN 2015-- BEST

ALBUM, BEST DRAKE DANCE MOVE,BEST CHRISTIAN VLOGGERS WHO

FAKED A PREGNANCY.

UH, YOU KNOW, SO ALL THE PEOPLEWHO MADE OUR SHOW REALLY

INTERESTING THIS YEAR AND GAVEUS CONTENT.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AN IMAGEOF A 2015 SUPERSTAR, AND, FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME THE AWARD THEY SHOULD WIN,

ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, RACHEL DOLEZAL.

UH, AL.

>> BEST INTERPRETATION OFMICHAEL JACKSON'S "BLACK OR

WHITE" VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

GENIUS.

YES!

UH, NEXT UP, THE POPE.

PAPAL FATHER. THERE HE IS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> FIRST COOL POPE EVER AWARD.

>> HARDWICK: AH, POINTS.

YEAH.

>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE, NOT ALAUGH BUT APPLAUSE.

>> HARDWICK: HERE'S, UH... "HEREIS-A THE POPE DROPPING SOME SICK

BEATS ON THE M-I-C."

(BEATBOXING)I DIDN'T MEAN "JEWY, JEWY,

JEWY."

>> THAT WAS WEIRD.

YOU LOOKED RIGHT AT MOSHE.

>> THE POPE'S LIKE, "I LIKE THATJOKE."

>> HARDWICK: NEXT, AIDS DRUGDICKBAG MARTIN SHKRELI.

UH, TOM.

>> GUY SO WHITE AND SO LAME IWILL PROBABLY PLAY HIM IN A

FILM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> ALSO, WINNER OF THE PIZZA RATLOOKALIKE CONTEST.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH, POINTS.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS THATGRABBED OUR ATTENTION THIS YEAR

WAS THAT-THAT THING WHEREEVERYONE LOOKED AT WHERE THEY

SAW A DIFFERENT COLOR.

IT WAS LIKE ONE OR THE OTHER.

THEY COULDN'T T... NO, NO.

NO.

THE OTHER ONE.

YES, THE DRESS.

AL.

>> BEST REMINDER THAT REALITY ISSUBJECTIVE AND WE ARE ALL FLAWED

CREATURES WHO WILL SOMEDAY DIEALONE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEP. POINTS.

AND BERNIE SANDERS.

BERNIE SANDERS, MOSHE.

>> AARP MAGAZINE'S HARDEST DICKAWARD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

>> FEEL THE BERN!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

"I'M-I'M KNOCKING ON THISTHUMPER RIGHT NOW."

NEXT UP, JUSTIN BIEBER'S PENIS.

AL.

>> MOST CANADIAN BACON.

>> HARDWICK: IS THAT... IS THATBECAUSE IT... IS THAT BECAUSE

IT'S FLAT AND ROUND?

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS TO AL YANKOVIC.

AND FINALLY, KIM DAVIS.

AL YANKOVIC.

>> BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME THREEYEARS RUNNING FOR LESBIAN BEN

FRANKLIN.

>> GOOD. YEAH.

>> WOW. WOW.

WOW.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: MASTERFUL POINTS TOAL YANKOVIC.