Monday, May 19, 2014

  • 05/19/2014

Kurt Braunohler, Fortune Feimster and Mike Lawrence ask inappropriate questions on Facebook, #RuinAToy and guess the prices of horrible items on eBay.

IT IS 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS, THISHAPPENED ON SPLOID.COM TODAY

A YOUNG GENTLEMAN MADE HIS OWNWOLVERINERS IN HIS GARAGE WITH

THE AID OF HEAVY MACHINERY ANDPROBABLY HARD LEMONADE

AND THE VIDEO OF IT GOT OVER 3MILLION VIEWS THIS WEEKEND

LOOK AT THIS BUSINESS!

>> OH (BLEEP)!

>> Chris: OH, HE MURDEREDMYSTIQUE! THOUGH TECHNICALLY

EVERY BLOWUP DOLL CAN BE ANYWOMAN.

HAVING WOLVERINE CLAWS MAKES YOUSO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN

THE GUY WITH THE IGUANA AT THECOFFEE SHOP. SUCK IT, IGUANA GUY

AND PARROT GUY, I KNOW YOU AREFRIENDS.

COMEDIANS PLEASE NAME THISHOMEMADE SUPER HERO.

>> EDWARD STABBY HANDS

>> WOLF-ER WEENY.

>> MICHAEL LAWRENCE.

>> PROFESSOR EX-BOYFRIEND.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REREFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SO THE BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDSHAPPENED LAST NIGHT AND IN CASE

-- YEAH! ALL RIGHT! AWARDSHOWS! -- HERE IS A QUICK RECAP

PUBLISHED AUTHOR AND KARDASHIANCLAN MEMBER KENDALL JENNER TRIED

TO READ A SENTENCE.

>> NOW WE WELCOME -- ONE -->> GUYS, I AM THE WORST READER.

>> Chris: OH!

>> THAT IS NOT SURPRISING ATALL.

I ASSUMED SHE COULDN'T READ.

>> Chris: SHE DIDN'T READ THATTHE TELEPROMPTER ACTUALLY SAID I

AM THE WORST PERSON, NOT THEWORST READER.

MICHAEL JACKSON RETURNED FROMTHE GRAVE TO PERFORM IN HOLOGRAM

FORM, MARKING THE BEGINNING OFHIS SLOW TRANSITION OUT OF THE

UNCANNY VALLEY.

NO, NO, MAKE IT STOP! ALTHOUGHI THINK ACTUALLY HE LOOKED MORE

HUMAN THAN WHEN HE WAS ACTUALLYALIVE.

>> WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCAREDAND ANGRY REACTION TWEETS GOT

THE MOST RETWEETS ON TWITTER.

A, DID ANYONE ELSE GOT SCARED OFTHE MICHAEL JACKSON HOLOGRAM? I

(BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) MYSELF.

>> THIS PERSON LOVES THE PASTTENSE.

DID ANYONE ELSE GOT SCARED?

>> THAT COULD BE A (BLEEP)ING(BLEEP) MYSELF.

>> B, HOW THE (BLEEP) IS MICHAELJACKSON PERFORMING? HE IS

LITERALLY DEAD!

>> IS THAT KENDALL JENNER'STWITTER ACCOUNT?

>> NO.

IT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY.

>> OH, A HUNDRED POINTS FORMICHAEL LAWRENCE.

>> C, HONESTLY I WOULD HAVE BEENA LITTLE SCARED OF THAT DAMN

MICHAEL JACKSON HOLOGRAM.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOLOGRAMSWERE REAL!

I AM GOING TO GO WITH B AND ITLOOKED LIKE

HE WAS PERFORMING IN THE GHOSTBUSTER CONTAINMENT UNIT.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

A NEW BUTTON LABELED ASK ONFACEBOOK ALLOWS USERS TO ASK

THEIR FRIENDS WHAT THEIRRELATIONSHIP STATUS IS BECAUSE

"WANNA BANG OR SOMETHING" WASTOO MUCH TO TYPE.

THE BUTTON ALSO ALLOWS YOU TOLIST A REASON YOU'RE ASKING, AS

IF THERE'S A REASON YOU'REASKING THAT'S NOT, "UH, BECAUSE

YOU WANNA BANG OR SOMETHING?"WHAT IS A BETTER QUESTION TO

ASK BE ON FACEBOOK.>> FORTUNE

>> DO YOU ACCEPT THE LORD JESUSAS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR?

>> DO YOU? >> I WANT TO KNOW.

>> BECAUSE FOR -->> I NEED TO KNOW!

>> Chris: IF YOU DO, DO YOUWANT TO BANG OR SOMETHING?

>> POINTS TO FORTUNE, MIKELAWRENCE.

>> DID YOU REALLY LIKE IT WHENMY GRANDMA DIED IT?

>> Chris: POINTS.

#HASHTAGWARS.

THIS IS A DAY, IN THE HISTORY OFTHE WORLD. TODAY IS THE 40TH

ANNIVERSARY OF THE RUBIK'S CUBE.

AND GOOGLE CELEBRATED WITH APLAYABLE ONLINE VERSION AS

TODAY'S GOOGLE DOODLE, AND YOUSTILL CAN'T PULL OFF THE

STICKERS, WHICH IS WHAT I DID.

IN HONOR OF THE ANNIVERSARYTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS RUINATOY.

>> EXAMPLES WOULD BE, LINCOLNASSASSINATION LOGS

EASY BAKE DUTCH OVEN.

>> OR JUST PUBICS PUBE.

>> TICKLE ME FELCHMO.

>> Chris: YOU JUST SAID IT SOWEIRD

>> Chris: YOU SAID IT LIKE IT'S A HORSE RACE

>> FLECHMO IS COMING AROUND THEBEND.

I WAS LEARNING ENGLISH AS I SAIDIT.

>> Chris: FORTUNE.

>> YAHTZEE GERMANY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KURT.

>> MAGIC EIGHT BALL OF COCAINE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

MIKE.

>> RAGGEDY ANNE FRANK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALSO YOU CAN FIND UP IN THEATTIC.

KURT.

>> MY LITTLE PONY, FLESHLIGHTEDITION.

>> Chris: INTERESTING IDEA.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

FORTUNE.

>> CONNECT FOREPLAY.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

MIKE.

>> TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP AND BALL.

EBAY PRICE IS RIGHT!

>> WE ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU ASELECTION OF FANTASTIC ITEMS

FROM POPULAR ONLINE AUCTION SITETHE EBAY.

AND THE COMEDIAN WHO COMESCLOSEST TO THE ACTUAL EBAY PRICE

WITHOUT GOING OVER WILL WIN ABRAND-NEW POINTS! AND REMEMBER,

AND REMEMBER, IF YOU HAVE BEENYOU BID $1, JUST LIKE ON THE

REAL PRICE IS RIGHT, YOU'RE A(BLEEP).

FIRST ITEM UP FOR BID, IT ISWEENER KLEENER SOAP.

>> NOTHING BEATS A CLEANERWIENER.

ONE SIZE FITS MOST MEN.

PERSONAL HYGIENE HAS NEVER BEENAS STIMULATING.

>> COMEDIANS, WHAT IS YOUR BIDON WEENER KLEENER?

>> I THINK THIS IS A VERY USEFULPRODUCT BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU

NEED TO JUST NEED TO (BLEEP)CLEAN.

>> $5.

>> $5.

>> FORTUNE?

>>>> NORMALLY I WOULD SAY A

MILLION DOLLARS, BECAUSE THAT ISHOW MUCH IT WOULD TAKE TO GET ME

NEAR A WIENER.

>> EVEN IF -- EVEN IF IT WASCLEANER.

>> IT COULD BE CLEAN, IT COULDBE DIRTY, IT COULD WHATEVER.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO PARTY WITHYOU.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY $8.

>> Chris: $8.

FOR THE WEENER KLEENER SOAP.

>> I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO -- IWILL GO WITH WHATEVER THAT LADY

TELLS ME TO RIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: MADAM, NOW, HOW MUCHWOULD YOU PAY FOR A CLEANER

WIENER?

>> $6.99.

>> Chris: $6.99? I THINK BECAUSEIT HAS 69 IN IT-- THE ACTUAL BUY

IT NOW PRICE OF THE WEENERKLEENER SOAP IS $7.05!

>> POINTS TO KURT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NEXT ITEM UP FOR

BID, CANNED CREAM POSSUM WITHSWEET TOPO AT A TOES.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

CREAMED POSSUM WITH SWEETPOTATOES.

GARNISHED IN COON-FAT GRAVY.

FROM HIGHWAY 190 AND HIGHWAY 11,AND FOR OUR JEWISH FRIENDS,

OUR POSSUM IS COOKED KOSHER,NOTHING SAYS LUVIN' LIKE

POSSUM IN THE OVEN.

WHAT IS YOUR BID ON THISDISEASE FILLED CAN?

>> THIS IS VERY TOUGH, BECAUSE IHAVE ONLY HAD FRESH CREAMED

POSSUM.

>> I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITHELEVENTY.

>> ELEVENTY DOLLARS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: FORTUNE, WHAT IS

YOUR TAKE ON CREAMED POSSUM WITHSWEET POTATOES?

>> WELL, I AM GOING TO GO WITH$12.

>> Chris: $12.

TWELVE DOLLARS.

>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE, ASYOU CAN SEE ZERO AVAILABLE, 193

OF THESE SOLD.

>> SURPRISINGLY THOSE PEOPLE USECOMPUTERS.

>> I AM GOING TO.

>> I AM GOING TO GO -- I AMGOING TO GO WITH $1.99 BECAUSE I

HAVE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THAT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

ELEVENTY, $12, $1.99.

ACTUAL BUY IT NOW PRICE, $6.50.

THAT MEANS MIKE LAWRENCE GETSTHE POINTS ON THAT ONE!

>> I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT HAPPYABOUT ANYTHING.

>> I THINK YOU ARE JUSTSURPRISED TH CAMERA HAS A FLASH

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, HOW DO YOUFOLLOW CANNED POSSUM? AN ORANGE

SHAPED LIKE A VAGINA.

THE SELLER SAYS, NO ONE INLISTEN TO ME AND I AM TELLING

THE TRUTH.

MY WIFE AND I WOKE UP THISMORNING AND OUR ORANGE WAS

SHAPED LIKE A VAGINA SITTINGNEXT TO THE COUNTER ON THE FRUIT

BOWL.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIRYTALE BUT IT HAPPENED AND --

KURT, WHAT IS YOUR BID ON THESEORANGES THAT RESEMBLE HUMAN

GENITALIA.

>> I HAVE BEEN WAITING, I HAVEBEEN WAITING TO SAY ORANGE-GINA

AND HAVE IT MEAN SOMETHING

FOR SO LONG.

>> Chris: TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

>> TODAY IS MY DAY.

FOR THAT ORANGE-GINA I WOULD PAY$1!

>> Chris: WHAT? ONE DOLLAR?

>> Chris: FORTUNE?

>> I AM GOING TO GO WITH $4.

>> Chris: $4.

FORTUNE.

>> MIKE?

>> $10.

>> Chris: $10.

TEN DOLLARS, $4, $1.

ACTUAL BUY IT NOW PRICE OF THEORANGE-GINA IS $7,000 -- $7,000!

>> 11 OFFERS!

>> 11 OFFERS!

CRINGE-WORTHY SUMMER EDITION.

A REDDITOR ASKED, IN ONLY THREEWORDS, HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME

CRINGE? WE LIKED IT SO MUCH WEDECIDED TO MAKE IT A GAME.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE THREE WORDSTO MAKE ME CRINGE.

>> HOT MAYONNAISE SUNDAY.

>> Chris: OH, YES. POINTS.

MIKE.

>> AFTER PROM ABORTION.

>> Chris: NOT REALLYSUMMER-THEMED, BUT POINTS.

KURT.

>> FUDGESICKLE SUPPOSITORY

>> HOT CROTCH POCKETS.

>> CREAMED POSSUM S'MORES.

>> Chris: FORTUNE.

>> JIMMY BUFFETT CONCERT.

>> Chris: YES!

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