Monday, June 1, 2015

  • 06/01/2015

Reggie Watts, Kate Berlant and Rory Scovel diagnose Enrique Iglesias's concert injury, come up with #BeatlesRecipes and list acts for the Gathering of the Juggalos lineup.

RIPPED FROM THE TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

LATIN EXPLOSION ALL-STARENRIGQUE IGLASIS NEARLY

SLICED HIS FINGERS OFF IN ACONCERT AFTER HE TRIED TO

GRAB A DRONE.

♪ GRAB A DRONE

♪ GRAB A DRONE

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLYPREDICTED THAT GRABBING AN

UNMANNED MUDER MACHINE IN THESKY COULD HURT YOUR TENDER

FINGIES!

REPORTS SAY ENRIQUE'S BLOODYDRONE HAND WAS TREATED ONSITE.

SO COMEDIANS, AS THE DOCTOR,PLEASE DIAGNOSED INJURIES.

REGGIE.

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE A[BLEEP] IDIOT.

>> Chris: RORY.

>> WELL, I WOULD SAY YOU GOTPRETTY LUCKY HERE.

MOST DRONES WIPE OUT ENTIREVILLAGES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WE ALL KNEW IT WAS TOOGOOD TO BE TRUE: THE DEMON-

SUMMONING SENSATION THATSWEPT THE NET LAST WEEK, THE

CHARLIE CHARLIE CHALLENGE,WAS REVEALED TO BE A VIRAL

MARKETING CAMPAIGN FOR ANOTHERGODDAMN [BLEEP] HORROR MOVIE.

HERE IS A BRIEF TEASER.

>> CARLIE CHARLIE, ARE YOUHERE?

>> Chris: OKAY, STOP IT, TURNTHAT OFF, GODDAMN IT.

STOP IT.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS ALL WE'REGOING TO SHOW OF THE CYNICAL

DECEPTIVE MARKETING PLOYUNLESS THEY BUY A COMMERICAL ON

THIS SHOW, IN WHICH CASE WEWILL BEND OVER AND SHOW ALL

THE [BLEEP] YOU WANT.

THIS MEANS THE INTERNET IS ALIE.

EVERYTHING IS A VIRALMARKETING COMPAIGN FOR

SOMETHING ELSE.

CASE IN POINT, I ENJOY THISVIDEO TODAY, BUT NOW APPARENTLY

IT IS JUST A SCHEME TO GET ME TOBUY SOMETHING.

[BLEEP] CORPORATE AMERICA!

COMEDIANS, WHAT COULD THISACTUALLY BE A COMMERCIAL

FOR? KATE.

>> THIS IS ACTUALLY APROTEST VIDEO.

THE EXCESSIVE MILK REPRESENTSPART OF THE GROTESQUE WAGE

DISPARITY IN OUR NATION.

>> Chris: YEAH, OKAY.

TOTALLY. I TOTALLY AGREE WITHTHAT.

RORY.

>> BP: IF WHALES WERE KITTENS,OIL SPILLS WOULD BE ADORABLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I AUDITIONED FOR THATVIDEO.

>> Chris: YOU PLAY SUCH A GREATBOWL OF MILK.

>> IT WAS MY BEST WORK.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOUKNOW WHAT I WITH LIKE TO DO

RIGHT NOW.

WHY DON'T WE REENACT IT, IWILL BE THE KITTEN AND YOU

BE THE MILK.

>> OUT HERE?

>> Chris: YEAH.

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> Chris: MEOW, MEOW, MEOW,MEOW.

>> Chris: I DO, I DO SORT OF ABACKYARDS BOWL BEND.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THANK YOU.

IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

THE BEATLES LANDMARKALBUM -- THE BAND THAT KANYE

WEST MADE FAMOUS -- SERGEANTPEPPER'S LONELY HEART CLUB

BAND WAS RELEASED ON THISDAY IN 1967.

SO TOSS ON THAT OLD VINYL,WHIP UP BEATLES THEMED FOOD

FOR A LISTENING PARTY.

MIGHT I SUGGEST SOME SERGEANTSTUFFED PEPPERS, OR LONELY

HEARTS CLUB SANDWICH.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISBEATLES RECIPES, EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE LOVELY RITA WITHSALT ON THE ROCKS.

HAPPINESS IS WARM FLAN.

A SOUFFLE IN THE LIFE.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

BEGIN.

KATE.

>> KELP!

>> Chris: POINTS! REGGIE.

>> DUNG BEATLE STEW.

>> Chris: POINTS. RORY.>> ALL YOU NEED IS FUDGE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KATE.

>> LET IT BEANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

REGGIE WATTS.

>> RICE BEATLE CRISPY TREATS.

>> Chris: POINTS. RORY.

>> AU JUS.

>> Chris: Points. RORY.

>> LETTUCE BEEF.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYGIF-O-MERICAL.

THE BEST PART OF INFOMERCIAL ISWHEN IT GOES ALL BLACK AND WHITE

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERYBODY ISLIKE "OH, NO!

I CAN'T CARRY ALL MYSKI EQUIPMENT.

SOMEBODY TEACH ME HOW TO BEA HUMAN BEING AND USE MY

LIMBS PROPERLY AGAIN.

IF ONLY THERE WAS AN EASIERWAY."

WELL, THANKFULLY THESEGLORIOUS MOMENTS ARE VERY

WELL-DOCUMENTED IN GIF FORM,SO I WILL SHOW YOU A GIF

INFOMERCIAL FROM THE SUBREDDIT WHERE DID THE SODA

GO.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT TO YOUGIVE ME THE VOICEOVER LINE THAT

SHOULD GO DID WITH IT.

FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE, THISONE.

FUH, FUH, FUH. OH! OH, OH, NO,FU! NO!

DOWN THE HOOD OF THE CAR.

YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE, THATGUY'S WHOLE LIFE IS JUST

THAT.

OVER AND OVER.

REGGIE WATTS.

ARE YOU TIRED OF TRYINGTO CONTROL WATER IN ALL OF

ITS VARIOUS FORMS?

>> Chris: RORY SCOVEL.

>> HAVEN'T FOUND TIME FORYOURSELF SINCE SHEILA DIED?

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL [BLEEP]CHIMPS. LIKE, THERE'S NO

OTHER-- RORY.

>> HAVING TROUBLE COOKINGEVER SINCE SHIELA DIED?

>> Chris: POINTS.

REGGIE.

>> ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED BYYOUR FOOD'S INABLE TO

LEVITATE?

>> Chris: WELL, NOW THERE'S THEHOVER FISH.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LOVE THAT.>> Chris: KATE.

>> IS YOUR INSISTENCE ONOWNING A TRAY KEEPING YOU ALONE.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDYOU SHIA LEBOEUF GREEN

SCREEN MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHAND ASKED YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GUYS CAME UPWITH.

LET'S START WITH YOU, KATE.

>> ARE YOU A HOT, RICH WHITEMAN WHO'S HAD -- OKAY -- HIS

WHOLE LIFE? JUST ALL YOU SEE ISUNBROKEN SUCCESS, CONSTANT

APPROVAL.

REALIZE YOU'RE AN ORCHID, OKAY.

AND STOP WATERING YOURSELF.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

REGGIE.

>> DON'T POO-POO DEATH.

DEATH IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS,AS ALL HAVE UNDERSTOOD

THROUGH TIMES DAY UNPAST,THE FACSIMILE AND SIMILITUDE

OF THIS CURRENT,CONCURRENTREALITY RELIES ON YOU TO

NOT BELIEVE IN DEATH.

>> Chris: OKAY.

OF COURSE, YOU JUST, WEJUST PARAPHRASE THAT.

RORY SCOVEL.

>> JUST DO IT!, YOU HAVESEEN THE VIDEOS ONLINE.

TRY SALVIA. GO TO THOSE PALCES.TALK TO THOSE COLORS.

RIDE THE DARK RAINBOW. CHANGEYOURSELF!

SMOKE SALVIA AND DON'T YOUCOME BACK!

AS WE GO OUR NEXT GAME,FRIENDS IN JUGGALO PLACES.

FRIENDS IN JUGGALO PLACES.

IT'S THAT BLISSFUL TIMEOF YEAR WHEN THE TRAILER FOR

THE ANNUAL GATHERING OF THEJUGGALOS IS RELEASED.

THIS YEAR'S 20 MINUTE VIDEORELEASE TAKES PLACE IN THE

FUTURE IN THE YEAR 3092,WHERE THEY STILL DON'T KNOW

HOW [BLEEP]ING MAGNETS WORKS.

>> COMPUER! SHOW US SOME OF THEACTS PERFORMING AT THE

GATHERING, 2015.

>> BLAZE YOUR DEAD HOMIE.

>> ANYBODY KILL HER.

>> MUSHROOM HEAD.

>> Chris: AND THERE'S FREEPARKING, SICK!

COMEDIANS, I WANT TO YOUMAKE UP AS MANY GATHERING OF

JUGGALOS ACTS AS YOU POSSIBLYCAN.

I WILL PUT 60 SECOND ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

KATE.

>> HEP C-STEVE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

REGGIE.

>> PISTACHIO [BLEEP].

>> Chris: POINTS.

RORY.

>> THE KLANLEY CUBRICKS --RACIST AND VISUALLY

CONCEPTUAL.