Tuesday, March 8, 2016

  • 03/08/2016

The Tournament of Champions continues as Jen Kirkman, Randy Sklar and Paul F. Tompkins break down cute animal GIFs, imagine the future #IfTrumpWins and create monster mashups.

All right, ripped from today'sInternet headlines,

this is Rapid Refresh!

-(cheers and applause)-SKLAR: Oh. -TOMPKINS: Oh.

Good luck.

-Scary.-Very exciting.

Three of our best competitorshere on @midnight tonight.

And here is what humanityhas (bleep) today. First up...

Old Nick. Old Nick.Professor Nick Goddard

of the University of Manchesterin jolly old England--

Hip, hip! Cheerio!Hold the bonnets--

is in hot waterafter it was discovered

that he has starredin dozen of porn films.

(whooping)

-TOMPKINS: Oh.-(laughter)

Here he is in...

(laughter and whooping)

Here he is in oneof my favorites,

Pale Man Dies Whilst Getting Rimmed By Lexi.

(laughter)

Just in caseyou're not sure,

he's the one on rightin the powdered donut cosplay.

SKLAR:Oh, man. Aah.

TOMPKINS:There's not enough picnic porn.

-HARDWICK: There'sjust not enough. -Exactly.

Ooh, let's go out and havesome pickles on the lawn. Waah!

Turns out that old Nick--

not to be confusedwith other old Nicks,

-like Saint or Nolte--has been... -(laughter)

-getting service... -SKLAR:Same guy, same guy, same guy.

has been getting serviceby ladies one-third his years,

uh, and not for grades,for a tuppence.

So, comedians,what are some classes

this porn star professormight teach?

-Paul F. Tompkins.-Uh, intro to outro.

-You know, anal.-(laughter) -Points. Points.

KIRKMAN: Wow! Ah!Do you think she's saying,

"Put your baguettein my basket"?

(laughter)

It honestly looks like theworld's laziest prostate exam.

(laughter)

That's probably whatit's like to watch, too.

That's probably whatit's like to watch it.

Next up, Peak Japan.

In the international community,Japan is the kid

who just learnedhow to masturbate.

Just because you can lookat all kinds of porn

doesn't mean you should.

For instance, Redditor Russie

turned us on to this clipfrom Japan.

Comedians, does it show...

-Jen Kirkman.-I just have this feeling

deep inside my soul

that it's a womangiving oral sex to an octopus.

I think Japan, I think calamari,I don't know why.

Yeah, yeah. It's actuallynot the right answer.

-But the right answeris fun to watch. -Oh. -Mm-hmm.

(men gasping,shouting in Japanese)

SKLAR:Look at the anticipation.

Where's the octopus?Where's the octopus?

And an octopus is...

And that's not gonna drop.

(laughter)

I'm sorry.

HARDWICK:Ha-ha!

I'm sorry.

HARDWICK:Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Ah! Hey, he broke his nose!-Yeah.

This is every prostate examin Japan, I feel like.

It's now timefor tonight's HashtagWars.

(cheering)

KIRKMAN:You're going down.

Trump's presidency has becomesuch a real possibility

that senior Republicans metwith powerful CEO's,

like Elon Musk and Tim Cook,on a secret island

to figure out a way to stop him.

They are so scared of Trump,

they went to the Illuminativolcano layer,

where they keep Andy Kaufmanand the weather machine,

just to watch Karl Rove(bleep) his pants.

So, since America is facedwith the real possibility

(laughing):of a Trump presidency...

SKLAR:Yeah, no, that's real.

I can't... I'm crying.

Uh... we're gonna predictwhat our orange-tinted dystopia

would look likewith tonight's hashtag,

IfTrumpWins.Examples might be:

Mexico will build a wallaround the White House.

-Or...-(laughter)

or: Kid Rock gets appointedto the Supreme Court.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Randy. -His daughterwill become the First Lady.

-Yeah.-(laughter, groans)

-(applause, whooping)-That's a good joke. Points.

-Paul. -Uh, Hillary paradednaked through the streets of DC

like that one Game of Thrones episode.

-Yeah. Points. Points.-SKLAR: Shame! Shame.

-Jen.-The rich will get richer,

and the poor will getthe death penalty.

Points. Paul F. Tompkins.

For people of color,nothing really changes.

-Points.-(audience groaning)

-Randy. -All meat will now besold through The Sharper Image.

-Yes. Points.-Okay. Thank you.

-Jen. -Bernie Sanders willstart an actual revolution.

Points.

-Randy. -Hillary will havean affair with Taye Diggs

-to "get her groove back."-Points.

(laughter, shouting, applause)

Jen.

Hopefully, we will find outit was never Trump at all,

but just Shia LaBeouf'slatest art project.

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter, shouting)

It is time to play

Are You ReadyFor Some Fuzzball?!

(cheering)

Now, even thoughI don't understand sports,

I still love the thrill ofvictory and the agony of defeat,

so I want to fuse the excitementof competition with a subject

that even the most indoors-yof indoor kids can enjoy:

cute animal gifts!

Uh, so, does that sound goodto you, excitable kittens?

-Oh, sure it does!-(others aw'ing)

-Aw...-TOMPKINS: They're trapped!

(laughter)

Comedians,I'm gonna show you an animal

about to attempt somethingamazing, and for 250 points,

you have to call itlike it was a sporting event,

in your bestsideline reporter voice.

First up,this enthusiastic squirrel.

And...

he's... oh, he's over the...

-KIRKMAN: Whoa!-(laughter)

HARDWICK:Paul.

And he's cleared the...yes, he's cleared the fence,

and oh, good newsfor the neighbor's dog,

finally getting his wish.

(laughter, applause)

Points.

-Jen. -Oh, I don't thinkthis was an accident.

He's been so depressedsince Sheila left him.

-(laughter)-SKLAR: Yes. Yes. Yes.

-Very sports-like.-So true. So true.

Good squirrel name,too-- Sheila.

Can't take it anymore.Sheila, why?

Is that Sheila next to him?

Would he do itright in front of her?

-Oh, that... God.-Yeah.

Next up, this comfy cat.

(bell dings)

Paul F. Tompkins.

Well, looks like curiositydidn't kill the cat,

but a spinal injury did.

Points.

That's funny.

Next up, this pup strugglingwith a flip-flop.

Aw, he's...

too stupid to get it in.

He's dumb. He's stupid.

-What a (bleep) idiot.-SKLAR: Yeah, right?

Paul.

Well, he's havingjust a little trouble

getting that flip-flopthrough the door

after having successfully killedand eaten Matthew McConaughy.

Points.

Next up, this sporty horsey.

Oh.

Yoga!

Oh. Randy.

And sadly, this is the finalnail in the coffin

of international horse pilates.

Paul.

And this is a very bold move

for an animalwith famously fragile legs.

Namaste, you (bleep) idiot.

Points.

Just get a regular office chair.

You're back'll be fine.

I'll give you pointsfor that one.

And finally, this dumb duck.

(babbling)

Paul.

And, just inchesfrom the finish line and...

Oh! He tries to swim awayfrom the ground.

Good thing...good thing he's delicious.

-It really is likehe goes to default. -Yes.

Like, okay, what...what do I know how to do?

Uh, before the break,I told you about a young guy

searching for his long-lost dad.I asked you to reply

to his Facebook post as Jason,the hard-rocking dude

who conceived him at an upstateNew York music festival in 1996.

Let's see what you wrote.Randy, let's start with you.

Dear son, if you'dposted this on MySpace

I would've seen it much earlier.

But I'll ask the same questionI asked your mom 20 years ago.

You're not a cop, are you?

-(laughing, applause)-All right.

Jennifer Kirkman.

Son, oh, your momchanged your name.

I was justcalling you K-Rockathon.

And if you put ona chain wallet,

you'd look just likeyour old pops.

I'd like youto meet your siblings

Lollapalooza, Warped Tour

and Porta Pottybehind the Hoobastank concerts.

-All right.-(laughing, applause)

Paul F. Tompkins.

Wow, it's great to meet you.

This is great timing.

What's your number?I'm allowed one phone call.

As we go to our next game,

-Cobragator. Cobragator.-TOMPKINS: Oh, (bleep).

-Cobragator! -Yeah, Paul,there's a Cobragator.

Cobragator.

Roger Cormanis an insane movie producer

who produces insane movies,and they are all good.

Boxcar Bertha, Caged Heat, Rock 'n' Roll High School,

Death Race 2000-- all stone-cold classics,

better than a million Citizen Kanes combined.

Corman is also responsible for arecent string of Syfy originals

that are sureto become American classics.

-Sharktopus, anyone? Sharktopus? -Mmm.

Remember Piranhaconda? Well, of course you don't!

Well,now Syfy is about to release

-Corman's most recent messed-uppiece, Cobragator. -Yes.

Cobragator. Just in caseyou couldn't do the math

behind that, it's a combinationof a cobra and a (bleep) gator.

-Yep!-Oh, I've said too much already!

I've spoiled it! Spoiler alert!

Uh, but he doesn't have to stopat animals, so, comedians,

what are some other terrifyingcombos Corman could use

in a Syfy original movie?In 60 seconds. And begin.

-Jen. -Scottbaiowolf.

Points! Oh, so good. Randy.

The Velocirapist.

Points. Paul.

Dracullama.

Points. Randy.

The Octomom, or Attack of the 50-Foot Pussy.

Points. Paul.

Brangelina. But literally.

Points. Randy.

Anteloprah.

Points. Paul.

Dogwithablog.

Points. Jen Kirkman.

Berniesalamanders.

Points!

Points.

You were terrifiedby the very concept of it!

Paul.

-Banjodactyl. -Points.

-Is that a pterodactylthat's also a banjo? -Yeah.

He's got, like, a pterodactylhead and neck, right?

-Banjo body. -But he's a banjo.-Banjo body.

-And he can play himself. Yeah.-And he uses his beak to pluck

-his own... -I mean,if you're around the corner

and you hear...(humming "Dueling Banjos")

-Oh, with-with his... He's gotthe tiny little hands. -Aah!

-(humming)-You know you gonna get (bleep)!

Yeah. What? Ba-Banjodactyl'sgonna (bleep) you?

Who is this character?"You there around the corner!

You knowyou're gonna get (bleep)!"