Kristen Schaal & Billy Eichner

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 03/05/2013

Anthony chats with a P.I. and shames the elderly; Kristen Schaal and Billy Eichner defend their tweets.

A MAN IN MICHIGANSAYS THAT HE WAS ROBBED

OF OVER $7,000-WORTHOF VINTAGE PORN. $7,000.

BUT CAN YOU REALLYPUT A PRICE

ON WATCHING PEOPLEGIVE EACH OTHER AIDS?

HEY, HERE'S SOME NEWSFROM THE WORLD OF PORN.

JOE FRANCIS, THE FOUNDER

OF THE GIRLS GONE WILDVIDEO FRANCHISE,

FILED FOR BANKRUPTCYLAST WEEK.

audience: AWW!- I KNOW, RIGHT?

DEVASTATING.

THE GIRLS GONE WILD FRANCHISEIS NOW 16 YEARS OLD,

BUT FRANCIS CLAIMSHE HAS A RELEASE

THAT SAYS IT'S 18.

LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.IN FLORIDA, AT A BUILDING

FOR THE ONLINE COLLEGE,FULL-SAIL UNIVERSITY,

A STUDENT YELLED RACIAL SLURSAT A BLACK CLASSMATE

AND THEN STABBED HIMWITH A SCREWDRIVER.

THUS ANSWERINGTHE QUESTION,

"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET KICKEDOUT OF FULL-SAIL UNIVERSITY?"

AND FINALLY, BOBBY BROWNHAS BEEN SENTENCED

TO 55 DAYS IN JAILFOR A DUI.

IT'S SAD.BOBBY SAID THAT NORMALLY,

HE WOULD NEVERDRIVE DRUNK,

BUT HE WAS IN A HURRYTO MEET WHITNEY HOUSTON.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.THAT'S MY MONOLOGUE. GOOD NIGHT!

[cheers and applause]

all: [chanting]AN-THO-NY! AN-THO-NY! AN-THO-NY!

AN-THO-NY! AN-THO-NY! AN-THO-NY!- OH.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

YOU GUYSARE A GREAT CROWD.

I DON'T USUALLYDO MONOLOGUE ENCORES,

BUT WHAT THE HELL.

PLUS,I'M ALMOST POSITIVE

WE HAVEN'TTALKED ABOUT PORN YET.

AFTER OPEN-HEART SURGERY,

PORN STAR RON JEREMYHAS BEEN GIVEN THE OKAY

TO HAVE SEX AGAIN.YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

AND HIS FEMALE CO-STARS ARETHRILLED TO HAVE HIM BACK TOO.

IN FACT, YOU CAN SEE ITALL OVER THEIR FACES.

[cheers and applause]

WITH THE BESTWORST THING OF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

FUNDAMENTALIST MINISTERSCOTT LIVELY

CLAIMS THAT HE HAS PROOFTHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GAY,

WHICH PROVES ONE THINGFOR CERTAIN--

FUNDAMENTALIST MINISTERSCOTT LIVELY IS GAY.

LIVELY SAYS HE SPENT TIMEIN CHICAGO GAY BARS

LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE,AND POINTS TO OBAMA'S VACATION

WITH HIS MALEPERSONAL ASSISTANT, REGGIE LOVE.

- WOW, IF THIS IS TRUE,THEN IT'S BAD NEWS FOR OBAMA,

CAUSE HE COULD GETKICKED OUT OF HIS MOSQUE.

- THAT'S TRUE.

- HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH.THIS GUY'S NAME IS SCOTT LIVELY.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A GAYER NAMETHAN "SCOTT LIVELY"?

- NO. NO.

- THAT IS THE GAYEST NAMEI EVER HEARD.

- MAYBE LIKE "RICHARD SIMMONS."- YEAH.

- WHAT ARE THE SIGNSWE SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THAT PRESIDENT OBAMAIS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL?

- THOSE ARE [bleep]-JOB LIPSIF I'VE EVER SEEN THEM.

- [laughs]YEAH, THEY'RE SORE.

I HEARD A RUMORTHAT HE TURNED DOWN AN INVITE

TO THE SECRET SERVICECOLOMBIAN HOOKER PARTY.

- REALLY?- AND WHO WOULD TURN THAT DOWN?

- I DON'T KNOW. I HEARD OBAMAONLY BAILED OUT CHRYSLER

'CAUSE HE WANTED TO SAVETHE PT CRUISER.

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE PT CRUISER IS.

- IT'S THE CAR YOU OWN.

- OH, OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.- WHAT DOES "PT" STAND FOR?

- PENIS TUNNEL.- [laughs]

OH, IT'S A PENIS TUNNELON WHEELS.

- THANKS FOR GETTING MEOUT OF THAT ONE, BILLY.

- OH! FOR THIS,THEY CANCELLED CHOCOLATE NEWS?

CAN YOU IMAGINE?[laughter]

- PLEASE, THEY PREFERTO BE CALLED KEY AND PEELE.

- OH!- NOW--

- WOW.[laughter]

- NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE!NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

AND THEN BLAME ITON A BLACK GUY.

IT'S "DEFENDING YOUR TWEET."

YOU TWEETED IT.NOW, I'M GONNA READ IT

AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND ITIN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

- KRISTEN?- HUH?

- YOU'RE FIRST.ON JANUARY 7th, YOU TWEETED,

"CHERRY TOMATOES WILL ALWAYSHAVE THE LAST LAUGH."

KRISTEN,DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- LEAVE THAT TWEET ALONE!

- OKAY.

[laughter and applause]

OKAY.

THAT WAS A--THAT WAS A STRONG,AGGRESSIVE DEFENSE.

I GOTTA ADMIT,I DIDN'T EXPECT IT.

BILLY,MOVING ON TO YOU.

- OKAY.- ON OCTOBER 30th, YOU TWEETED,

"OKAY, GUYS,I GET IT--

"HAYDEN CHRISTENSENWASN'T IN THE PHANTOM MENACE!

"HAHAHAHA,WHAT IS AN EWOK?

HAHAHAHA,MY GRANDPARENTS ARE ALL DEAD."

BILLY,DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- [yelling]MY GRANDPARENTS ARE ALL DEAD!

[cheers and applause]

- GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

CATCH KRISTEN ON BOB'S BURGERSSUNDAYS ON FOX,

AND HER HOUR SPECIAL, LIVE AT THE FILLMORE,

WHICH PREMIERS APRIL 1stON COMEDY CENTRAL.

- NO. NO, NO, NO. I DON'T THINKTHEY'RE GONNA AIR IT, ACTUALLY.

audience: AWW!

[laughter]

- AND SEE BILLY ON THE STREETFRIDAYS ON FUSE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE SHOW.

[cheers and applause]

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