Extended - Thursday, October 27, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 10/27/2016

Jenny Zigrino, Chris Garcia and Jordan Morris update Bible verses, list Hillary Clinton's squad goals and tell #ScaryStoriesIn5Words in this extended, uncensored episode.

IT'S BEEN OBSERVED THAT THEINTERNET IS A GODLESS PLACE

WHERE MORALS ARE TRAMPLEDBENEATH THE HOOVES OF VIOLENCE,

PORNOGRAPHY AND AMAZON BOOKSTHAT CHAMPION ELICIT

RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN HUMAN ANDDINOSAUR.

WELL, NOW THERE'S OFFICIAL DATATO BACK THAT UP, 'CAUSE

ACCORDING TO GOOGLE TRENDS,MEMES ARE MORE POPULAR THAN

JESUS.

INTERNET...

(LAUGHTER)IT'S TRUE.

INTERNET USERS OFFICIALLY SEARCHFOR MEMES MORE THAN THE BIG

J.C., LEADING TO A GENERATION OFKIDS WHO THINK THAT GRUMPY CAT

DIED FOR THEIR SINS.

HERE'S WHAT THAT'S...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THAT... THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS

LIKE.

(APPLAUSE)THAT IS NOT GONNA MAKE HIM

HAPPIER.

(LAUGHTER)>> NO!

>> HARDWICK: THEY STILL GOT TODO THAT EIGHT MORE TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> I GUESS CHUCK NORRIS IS JUSTGOING TO HEAVEN SO HE CAN PUNCH

GOD IN THE FACE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A

BIBLE VERSE THAT COULD APPEAL TOTHE INTERNET?

JORDAN MORRIS.

>> LOVE IS PATIENT.

LOVE IS KIND.

LOVE CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)BEAUTIFUL.

JENNY.

>> DAMN, JESUS, YOU AT IT AGAINWITH THE RESURRECTION!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)CHRIS.

>> JESUS STORMED INTO THE TEMPLEAND SAID, "THIS IS FAKE AND GAY.

THUMBS DOWN!"(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

FIRST UP-- SQUAD GOALS.

YOU KNOW, IT CAN BE SO HARD FORTODAY'S POLITICIANS TO CONNECT

WITH MILLENNIALS, ESPECIALLY FORMACHIAVELLIAN MAMAW HILLARY

CLINTON.

THAT'S WHY SHE...

THAT'S WHY SHE TOOK TO YOUNGPEOPLES' SOCIAL NETWORK SNAPCHAT

THIS WEEK TO POST A VIDEO OF HERWITH SOME LADY PALS, ALONG WITH

THE VERY MILLENNIAL CAPTION,"THIS SQUAD."

(LAUGHTER)MM.

OH. WELL...

(BREATHLESSLY): "EVERYONE...

THIS... YES, INDEED, MY SQUADRONIS ON FLEEK, OKAY?

HA, HA."

(LAUGHTER)"STAY ON TARGET.

OKAY, EVERYONE PICK A COLOR FROMTHE COLOR WHEEL, AND LET'S MAKE

THOSE TOPS HAPPEN."

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE THIS SQUAD'S

GOALS?

JENNY.

>> BEATING OSTEOPOROSIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)MM-HMM.

CHRIS GARCIA.

>> GREEN-LIGHTING A FOURTH"BRIDGET JONES" MOVIE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN MORRIS.

>> UH, WHAT'S THIS SQUAD'S GOAL,CHRIS?

TO POUND CHARDONNAY, DO TONS OFBLOW AND STAY UP TILL 4:00 A.M.

SYNCING EACH OTHER'S PERIODS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YES.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS, YES.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I'M JUST GONNA SAY, NONE OF

'EM ARE GONNA HAVE HAD THEIRPERIOD FOR, LIKE, 15 YEARS.

>> YEAH.

>> AT LEAST.

>> HARDWICK: JORDAN.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT?

FIGURE OUT HOW A VAGINA WORKS,OKAY?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, JORDAN.

>> I SHOULD...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THERE AIN'TNO EGGS IN THAT BASKET. YEAH.

>> JUST SAYING.

AND NOW, GOODLY CITIZENS, IT ISTIME FOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)THE THING I REALLY HATE ABOUT

SCARY STORIES IS HOW THEY ALWAYSTAKE SIX OR MORE WORDS.

I MEAN, I CAME TO BE HERE... ICAME HERE TO BE SCARED, NOT

BORED BY ALL YOUR TALKING!

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SCARYSTORIESIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: FLESHLIGHTRAN OUT OF BATTERIES, OR...

YOU MEET BEYONCÉ AND FART.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

JENNY.

>> IVANKA-PALIN 2020-- YOU'REWELCOME!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> SUPREME COURT JUSTICE RUDOLPHGIULIANI.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JORDAN MORRIS.

>> REALLY REGRETTING THISHARAMBE TATTOO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNY ZIGRINO.

>> DRUG DEALER GOT A REAL JOB.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JORDAN.

>> MOM STARTED SAYING, "TRILLBITCH."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> BOO! A MADEA HALLOWEEN 2.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)JORDAN.

>> BLOW JOB WHILE NICKELBACKPLAYS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS.

>> MOM'S PREGNANT, PITBULL'S THEDAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNY.

>> TRAPPED ON A VEGAN CRUISESHIP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JORDAN.

>> MY GYNECOLOGIST IS AJUGGALO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> FUCKIN' VAGINAS, HOW DO THEYWORK?

>> HARDWICK: WE'LL JUST WASHTHAT OUT WITH FAYGO, WE'LL BE

FINE.

UH... JENNY.

>> PEED IN MY SPANX AGAIN!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JORDAN MORRIS.

>> A DOG... WITH A BLOG?!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.