Extended - Thursday, August 6, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 08/06/2015

Aubrey Plaza, Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel share their secrets to longevity, wave #JonVoyage to Jon Stewart and read from a rad new bible in this uncensored, extended episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: IF YOU'RE JUSTSAMPLING OUR SHOW FOR THE FIRST

TIME, 'CAUSE YOU WATCHED "THEDAILY SHOW" AND YOU'RE TOO LAZY

TO GET UP TO TURN THE...

GET UP TO TURN THE STATION?

WHAT IS IT, 1950?

JESUS CHRIST.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S THURSDAY IN AMERICA.

THAT MEAN IT'S TIME FORPANDER DOME.

>> YEAH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHAT THAT

GRAPHIC LOOKS LIKE.

PANDER DOME IS OUR WEEKLY LOOKAT HOW POLITICIANS ARE USING THE

INTERNET TO HUMILIATETHEMSELVES.

UH, THERE IS THE PRINCE OFPANDER TOWN HIMSELF, TED CRUZ.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)HE TRIED TO... HE TRIED TO...

WHOA.

(LAUGHTER)TED TRIED TO PROVE THAT HE'S

MORE THAN JUST A HALF ACANADIAN, HALF ELF-MARZIPAN MAN

WITH HIS OWN VIDEO WHERE HEAND-- THIS IS 100% REAL-- FRIES

BACON ON THE BARREL OF AMACHINEGUN.

>> OF COURSE IN TEXAS, WE COOKBACON A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN

MOST FOLKS.

♪ (GUNSHOTS)

>> EW.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)>> MACHINEGUN BACON.

>> HARDWICK (WITH SOUTHERNACCENT): WHAT?!

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF GODDAMN,OUT-OF-TOUCH, COMMUNIST PUSSY

EATS BACON WITH A FORK?!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

AND A GODDAMN PLASTIC FORK.

(IN HIS OWN VOICE): I GOT TOSAY, PANDER DOME HAS BEEN

DOMINATED BY REPUBLICANS WHOSEEM TO BE DOING CARICATURES OF

REPUBLICANS.

BUT, COMEDIANS, IF THE DEMOCRATCANDIDATES WANTED TO PLAY THE

SELF-PARODY GAME, TOO, WHATSHOULD THEY DO IN THEIR YOUTUBE

VIDEOS?

(BELL DINGS)MR. HUEBEL.

>> TWO WORDS, CHRIS: BLOOD ORGY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

>> TWO MORE WORDS, CHRIS:TOTALLY COOL WITH GAY STUFF.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

THAT FELT LIKE MORE THAN TWOWORDS, BUT I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

AUBREY.

>> UM, I THINK WE'LL DO A PARODYOF THAT NICKI MINAJ SONG CALLED

"ABORT A CONDA."

>> HARDWICK: YES. YES.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

MOVING ON.

TIME TO RENAME MILLER HIGH LIFE"MILLER ETERNAL LIFE" BECAUSE A

110-YEAR-OLD NEW JERSEY WOMANSAYS IT IS THE KEY TO HER

LONGEVITY.

OH, FUCK!

THAT MEANS KID ROCK'S GONNA LIVETO, LIKE, 240.

(LAUGHTER)UH, AGNES "THE RADNESS" FENTON,

SHOWN HERE, SAYS THAT SHESTARTED CHUGGING BREWSKIES AFTER

HER DOCTOR TOLD HER TO,PRESUMABLY BACK IN 1910 THROUGH

A CLOUD OF UNFILTERED CIGARETTESMOKE IN AN ASBESTOS-LINED

OFFICE WHILE HUFFING LEAD PAINT.

UH, NEAR CHILD LABOR OF SOMESORT.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ELSE MIGHT THISSUPER-RAD DOCTOR RECOMMEND TO

KEEP YOU HEALTHY?

(BELL DINGS)YES, ROB HUEBEL.

>> PILLS! PILLS! PILLS!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

THAT WAS...

(LAUGHTER)ALMOST...

I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU EXTRAPOINTS IF YOU HAD CAUGHT THAT.

THAT WAS SOME COMEDY MAGIC RIGHTTHERE.

I NEVER...

>> I'VE HAD THOSE IN MY MOUTHFOR, LIKE, 30 MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: AMAZING.

YOU DON'T... ARE YOU FEEL...?

YOU DON'T LOOK WELL.

ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?

>> NO, THOSE ARE REAL PILLS.

>> HARDWICK: THOSE ARE REALPILLS.

ROB IS A METHOD PILL ACTOR.

UH, POINTS.

PAUL.

>> UH, 10CC'S OF VIN DIESEL,STAT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

THE AUDIENCE WAS TEPID ON IT.

>> YEAH. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, LISTEN, IFYOU WOULD...

>> WELL, I CAN'T BEAT THE PILLS.

I CAN'T BEAT PROP COMEDY, YOUKNOW... (MUTTERS)

>> HARDWICK: YOU WOULD HAVETO...

>> UM...

>> HARDWICK: IF YOU COULD HAVESPIT, LIKE, 30 VIN DIESELS OUT

OF YOUR MOUTH, LIKE, THAT WOULDHAVE...

>> I'VE DONE THAT ONE NIGHT.

IT WAS CRAZY.

>> I GOT...

>> HARDWICK: IT WAS CRAZY.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> IN MIAMI. ME, THE ROCK...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS FOR THAT.

AUBREY PLAZA.

>> UM, YEAH, DON'T WORRY.

I GOT THIS.

>> THERE WE GO.

>> UM, HE'LL GIVE A PRESCRIPTIONFOR A BLU-RAY COPY OF "GRUMPY

CAT'S WORST CHRISTMAS EVER," NOWAVAILABLE ON DVD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: THAT'LL...

>> AND STREAMING.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'LL CURE WHATAILS YOU.

>> ON THE INTERNET.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WILL CURE WHATAILS YOU, ABSOLUTELY.

POINTS FOR THAT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)AGAIN, VERY SAD THAT JON STEWART

HAS DECIDED TO MOVE ON, BUT ITHINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH

REMINISCING ABOUT JON STEWART,WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

(SCATTERED WHOOPING)YIPPEE!

SO NOW IT'S TIME FOR SOMEBASELESS SPECULATION ON WHAT THE

INTERNATIONALLY BELOVEDMULTI-GAJILLIONAIRE IS GONNA DO

WITH ALL HIS NEWFOUND FREE TIME.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#JONVOYAGE.

#JONVOYAGE.

UH, EXAMPLES: HE'S GONNA GETSUPER INTO WORLD OF WARCRAFT

OR HE'LL PROBABLY PULL A LENOAND BE BACK IN SIX MONTHS.

WE DON'T KNOW.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

PAUL.

>> FULL-TIME BIGFOOT HUNTER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> FINISH THE WIRE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AUBREY.

>> HE'S GONNA FINALLY GIVEDANIEL TOSH THAT HAND JOB HE'S

BEEN ASKING FOR.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THE... I'M GONNA GIVE YOU DOUBLEPOINTS FOR THAT.

UH, PAUL SCHEER.

>> HE'S GONNA FINALLY RIP OFFHIS MASK AND REVEAL HE'S

BILL O'REILLY ALL ALONG.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT? POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> PROBABLY GONNA TAKE OVER THISCUSHY JOB, CHRIS HARDWICK.

>> HARDWICK: YOU SHUT YOURGODDAMN MOUTH, ROB HUEBEL!

THIS JOB IS HARD.

>> HE'S COMING AFTER YOU!

>> HARDWICK: YOU SHUT UP!

UH, AUBREY.

>> UM, HE'LL FINALLY GET TOGUEST STAR ON JANE THE VIRGIN

LIKE HE'S BEEN WANTING TO SOBADLY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS,ABSOLUTELY.

ROB.

>> HE'S GONNA WRITE A BOOK THATI'M GONNA SAY I READ BUT I

DIDN'T REALLY READ IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

UH, YES, AUBREY.

>> UM, HOPEFULLY HE'LL HAVE TIMETO RETURN ALL MY E-MAILS AND

STOP PRETENDING THAT WE'RE NOTIN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, FINALLY, JON,PLEASE?

PLEASE?

WE KNOW.

WE KNOW.

UH, ROB.

>> PILLS, PILLS, PILLS!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

GOOD.

GOOD AIR PUNCH, BRO.

UH, BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY GIF-O-MERCIAL.

GIF-O-MERCIAL.

>> WHOA!

>> HARDWICK: ROB, PLEASE.

I NEED YOU TO PRACTICERESPONSIBLE FINGER FIREARMS

RIGHT NOW.

>> POW, POW, POW, POW, POW, POW!

>> HARDWICK: STO... YOU JUST LITUP THE ENTIRE FRONT ROW.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, THE HIGHLIGHTOF ANY INFOMERCIAL IS WHEN... IS

WHEN, UH, TIME SLOWS DOWN AND ITALL GOES ALL BLACKY AND WHITEY

SO A FARTY DAD CAN BE LIKE, "HOWDO I MAKE PASTA WHEN MY HANDS

ARE FULL OF GARDENING TOOLS?

WHERE AM I?"WELL, THANKS TO THE GIF WIZARDS

AT THE SUBREDDIT WHERE DID THESODA GO, WE CAN RELIVE THOSE

MOMENTS OF INEPTITUDE TO OURHEART'S CONTENT.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A GIF OFAN INFOMERCIAL FAIL, AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THEVOICE-OVER LINE THAT SHOULD GO

WITH IT.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE.

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

OH... ROB.

>> ARE YOU TOTALLY BLIND BUTLOVE TO DRIVE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I WISH...

I'M CURIOUS WHAT PRODUCT COULDFIX THAT.

>> SODA.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

AUBREY.

>> UM, ARE YOU A SHAVED CHIMPMASQUERADING AS A HUMAN?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

ABSOLUTELY.

NEXT UP: AND HOW ABOUT THISPREDICAMENT?

(HUMS A SAD JINGLE)UH, PAUL.

>> YOU'VE TRIED BEATING YOURDOG, YOU'VE TRIED DROWNING YOUR

DOG, BUT NOTHING WILL KILL YOURDOG!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

AUBREY.

>> UM, IS YOUR DOG BEHAVING LIKEA TOTALLY NORMAL DOG?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S WEIRD-- I DON'T KNOW WHYDOGS DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO RUN AT

THEM WITH HIGH-POWERED WATERMACHINES.

FUCKIN' PUSSIES.

UH, ROB.

>> SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR DOGCATCHING ON FIRE ALL THE TIME?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS?

"I KNOW WE JUST MET, BUT I THINKI LOVE YOU!"

(STAMMERS)D'OH!

(BELL DINGS)ROB.

>> DID YOU SEND ANOTHER DICK PICTO YOUR DAUGHTER?

REALLY?

OH, REALLY?

REALLY?

>> HARDWICK: THE... GUYS, INROB'S DEFENSE, HE IS ON A LOT OF

PILLS RIGHT NOW.

UH, POINTS.

>> I WAS GONNA SAY, THOUGH--THAT INFOMERCIAL WOULD BE GREAT

FOR LENNY KRAVITZ.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, THATWOULD... IT WOULD BE.

PAUL.

>> TIRED OF SPELL CHECKCORRECTING "I WANT TO KILL YOU"

TO "I LOVE YOU"?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

UH, AUBREY.

>> UM, CAN'T STOP VIOLATING YOURRESTRAINING ORDER?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH!

I THOUGHT IT WAS 51 FEET-- SHIT!

UH, NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

PAUL.

>> HANDS: SURE, THEY'RE GREAT,BUT HOW DO YOU USE THEM?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

AUBREY.

>> ARE ACID FLASHBACKS GETTINGIN THE WAY OF ERRANDS?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THEY ARE.

ROB.

>> ARE YOU CURRENTLY HAVING ASTROKE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HAVE SOME SODA.

NEXT ONE.

OH!

(BELL DINGS)OH, NO, YOU BROKE MY MATTRESS!

UH, AUBREY.

>> TIRED OF CARRYING YOURMATTRESS TO YOUR TREE HOUSE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> 'CAUSE...

>> HARDWICK: PAUL.

>> ROOMMATE NOT TAKING THE HINT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

MR. HUEBEL.

>> DID YOU MAKE A PIECE OF TOASTSO BIG YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO

EAT IT?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

LAST ONE.

(BELL DINGS)UH, PAUL.

>> TIRED OF FISTING YOUR PURSE,BUT IT'S JUST SO LOOSE?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

UH, ROB.

>> ARE YOU REALLY BAD ATSTICKING UP CONVENIENCE STORES?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AUBREY.

>> ARE YOU TOO CONVINCING AS ANACTOR?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUTHAT SIRI MIGHT SOON BE ABLE TO

SEND TRANSCRIBED VOICEMAILS ASTEXT MESSAGE, AND I ASKED YOU TO

COME UP WITH SOME F'ED UP TEXTTHAT SHE PROBABLY WILL SEND YOU.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

AUBREY, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> UH, THIS IS YOUR DOCTORCALLING.

I'M SORRY, YOU HAVE FULL-BLOWNBRAIDS.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL SHEER.

>> SUCK IN TRAFFIC AND WAITUNTIL I COME XOXOXO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ROB.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

I'M RAKING UP WITH JEW.

I'VE BEEN DUCKING YOUR BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT, I PLUCKED HISTICK.

EVEN LET HIM FOOT IT IN MYGRASS.

AND I LIKED IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, THEBIBLE RULES!

YOU KNOW, I THINK THE BEST PARTOF NETFLIX IS PROBABLY SCROLLING

MINDLESSLY THROUGH HYPNOTICMENUS FOR AT LEAST 40 MINUTES

BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY PICKANYTHING TO WATCH.

AND MAYBE YOU DON'T EVEN WATCHANYTHING.

LIKE, YOUR MOVIE-WATCHING FORTHE NIGHT WAS JUST FUCKING

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, AND THENYOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, NOW I'M

TIRED.

I TOOK AN EMOTIONAL JOURNEYTHROUGH LOOKING AT-AT BOX ART."

UH, BUT THIS DIGITAL ODYSSEYTHROUGH DIRECT-TO-DVD JASON

STATHAM MOVIES AND CONSPIRACYDOCUMENTARIES CAN SOMETIMES MESS

WITH YOUR HEAD.

FOR INSTANCE, I RAN ACROSS THISHISTORY CHANNEL SERIES CALLED

THE BIBLE RULES, WHICH MY BRAINAUTOMATICALLY CHANGED TO THE

BIBLE RULES!

SO, COMEDIANS...

THIS EDGY, BRO-IER-THAN-THOUVERSION COULD BE THE MAKEOVER

THAT DUSTY OLD TOME NEEDS.

WHAT ARE SOME PASSAGES WE MIGHTSEE IN THIS MORE EXTREME GOSPEL?

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, PAUL.

>> THOU SHALL NOT SEND DICK PICSUNLESS I'M TOTALLY SURE SHE'S

INTO ME.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROB HUEBEL.

>> FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLDTHAT HE GAVE US THAT STANK WEED,

BRO.

JOHN 4:20.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, YES, AUBREY.

>> UH, THOU SHALT BACK DAT ASSUP, GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)YES, AUBREY.

>> UH, THOU SHALT NOT GIVE AFUCK...

>> HARDWICK: Y...

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, ROB.

>> THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY OTHERGODS BUT NICKELBACK, BRO!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)AUBREY.

>> UM, THY SHALL KEEP HOLY THYSHARK WEEK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD ONE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOODONE.

(BELL DINGS)PAUL.

>> THOU SHALL NOT TALK ABOUTGAME OF THRONES IF THOU HAVE

READ THE BOOK AND ME THOU HAVEONLY WATCHED THINE TV SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT WAS WELLDONE-- POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROB.

>> THOU SHALT LOVE THOSE TIG OL'BITTIES, RIGHT, BRO?

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT.

POINTS.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)