Tuesday, May 24, 2016

  • 05/24/2016

Fozzie Bear, John Hodgman and Kristen Schaal celebrate Beyonce Day, list #BoringBlockbusters and dream up new business ventures for the unemployed Muppets.

Attention people who arenot ready for this jelly.

You better get ready

because the governorof Minnesota proclaimed

Monday the 23rd is Beyoncé Day!

-(applause and cheering)-Or...

-Yeah!-Or Beyonce-Day, I guess.

Yeah, I think that works.

Beyonce-Day. I like Beyonce-Day.I feel like we need

some sort of m... Jack,can you play that regal music

for when the queen walks out?

(man humming "Rule Britannia")

Okay, thanks.

-(laughter)-I said play it.

-I didn't say do itwith your mouth. -(laughter)

The holiday was started to honor

Ms. Cé's positive messageto girls,

teaching them that they, too,can be single ladies,

independent women,and superstars

who exploit their husband'spossible infidelity

-to take his ass to Red Lobster.Uh... -(laughter)

Everyone online is thrilledabout the chance

to celebrate allour queen of queens.

And if you're not,then you might be

Becky With the Good Hair,and you probably should run.

So, comedians, how did youcelebrate Beyonce-Day?

Kristen Schaal.

Well, I put my husbandin an elevator

and I let Solangeslap him around

for all the bad thingshe's done.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Perfect.

-That was a great way to go.-(applause)

Okay.

-Fozzie Bear?-Yeah, not me.

I hang the lightson the Beyoncé tree,

and I leave out cookiesand lemonade for Jay Z.

All right. Perfect. It's theperfect way to celebrate.

-(applause and cheering)-John Hodgman.

I'd spend itwith Beyoncé, yeah,

just drinking baby blood

-at illuminati headquarters,you know. -(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Summer blockbuster seasonis upon us,

that special time of yearwhen the nation's movie theaters

remind peopleover and over again

to turn off their dang phones.

I always hate that partbefore a movie where they say,

"Please silenceyour cell phones,"

and then I have to pick upmy phone and go, "Silence!"

But it has to be done.

Now the Tumblr, gunsreplaced with selfie sticks,

imagines: what would happenif movie characters

dropped their gunsand decided to snap a selfie

mid-action, like Schwarzeneggerin Terminator 2,

-uh, right here?-(laughter)

This is the perfect wayto make a blockbuster movie

as boring as the guy whocan't put down his selfie stick,

which is why tonight's hashtagis #BoringBlockbusters.

#BoringBlockbusters.Examples might be:

The Muppets Take Pilates,

-or...-(laughter)

T. the Terrestrial.

-Uh, I'm gonna put...-(laughter)

I'm gonna put...

Ah, see?It's a little bit of a thinker.

(applause)

Oh, Muppets Take Pilates!

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-John. -Mission: Achievable.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Kristen Schaal. -Meh Max.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Fozzie Bear. -The Jungle PDF.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Hodgman. -Ah, Never Mind, There's Nemo.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Kristen Schaal. -Captain America: A Civil Discussion.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Fozzie.-My button's not working!

-(laughter)-SCHAAL: That's not a movie.

That's not my answer!That's not my answer!

Uh, Angry Birds...

Who Take a Deep Breath Before Speaking.

-Yes, points. Points.-(laughter)

-Fozzie. -Failure to Lunch.

-Yes, points!-(laughter)

Hodgman.

Ant, Comma, Man.

-Points. Very good. Points.-(laughter)

Kristen.

Uh, A Godfather.

-Yes! Points!-(laughter)

Fozzie.

A Godfather II.

-(laughter)-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's time for The MuppetsTake Unemployment.

The Muppets Take Unemployment.

(cheering, applause)

Wait a minute.Hey, stop.

Why are you clapping? You don'teven know what you're cla...

You're clapping for the factthat ABC canceled The Muppets!

-(booing)-Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you can suck it, ABC,unless I can work for you.

But... there's one thing I know:

it's that the Muppetswill be back on TV and movies

and the Internet and otherfuture forms of entertainment

that we haven't even inventedyet until the end of time.

And I say that is fantastic.

So let's do some brainstorming.

I would like youto give me the names

of as many futureMuppet projects as you can

that hopefully will get made.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-Kristen.-Uh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

in The John Hodgman Story.

All right. Points.

Yes, I see it!

Hodgman.

Pigs in Space:

the Fork Awakens.

All right, points.

Fozzie.

Uh, an Animal House remakewith Animal!

Yeah, points.

Kristen.

Gonzo Girl.

Yes, points. Fozzie.

Miss Piggyin Silence of the Hams.

All right, perfect.

Ah.

-Oh.-Hodgman.

A new HBO political comedycalled Meep.

Oh, perfect! So good!

So good. Fozzie.

Um, anything,as long as I have a job.

Yeah, points. Points.

-Obviously!-Obviously, yeah.