Lissow, Jeselnik, Corry, Williams

  • Season 9, Ep 904
  • 01/13/2006

Jamie Lissow messes with his drunk friends, Anthony Jeselnik gives his girlfriend lingerie, Rebecca Corry remembers being a kid, and Damon Williams refuses a lap dance.

AND SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD. SHE SAID, "ANTHONY,

I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A GIFT FOR YOU THAN IT IS FOR ME."

AND, I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL,

IT WAS ORIGINALLY A GIFTFOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKENDMY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTSCAME INTO TOWN.

TOOK US OUT TO DINNER. AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT

UNTIL THEY ASKED ME,"ANTHONY, WHEN DO WE GETTO MEET YOUR PARENTS?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENTWITH A BRAND SPANKIN'

NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE.I MEAN, THERE'S TIN CANSALL OVER THE STREET.

THE "JUST MARRIED" SIGN IS CRUMPLED UP ON THE GROUND.

I SEE THE GROOM GET OUT OF THE CAR FURIOUS.

AND I'M THINKIN', "HOW AM I GONNA GET OUT OF THIS?"

SO I SAID, "LOOK, WE COULD EXCHANGE INSURANCE INFORMATION BUT THAT IS

NOT GONNA BRING BACK YOUR WIFE."

Audience: OOH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS 13 MY PARENTS SAT ME DOWN AND THEY TOLD ME

THAT I HAD BEEN ADOPTED.AND I GOT PRETTY UPSET.

I SAID, "WELL, WHY'D YOU PICK ME, MOM AND DAD?

WAS I SPECIAL?" AND THEY SAID, "YES, ANTHONY VERY SPECIAL.

"BECAUSE OF ALL THE BABIES WE HAD TO CHOOSE FROM,

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS WHITE."

Audience: OH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I APPRECIATE THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLEWON'T LAUGH AT THAT JOKE

'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT IT MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

WELL, WHAT THOSE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND

- IS I DON'T CARE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S ALWAYS EATING CHOCOLATE. AND SHE LIKES TO JOKE

SHE'S GOT A CHOCOLATE ADDICTION.YOU KNOW, SHE BE LIKE,

"KEEP ME AWAY FROM THOSE HERSHEY'S BARS.

I'M ADDICTED TO 'EM." AND, IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.

SO, I PUT HER IN THE CAR AND I DROVE HER DOWNTOWN.

I POINTED OUT A CRACK ADDICT.

AND I SAID, "YOU SEE THAT, HONEY?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE THAT SKINNY?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND SOME FANCY LINGERIE.

AND SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD. SHE SAID, "ANTHONY,

I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A GIFT FOR YOU THAN IT IS FOR ME."

AND, I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL,

IT WAS ORIGINALLY A GIFTFOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKENDMY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTSCAME INTO TOWN.

TOOK US OUT TO DINNER. AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT

UNTIL THEY ASKED ME,"ANTHONY, WHEN DO WE GETTO MEET YOUR PARENTS?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I'LL POOP MY PANTS,

TO REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING'S JUST NEW AND EXCITING WHEN YOU'RE A KID, RIGHT?

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I FELT A BONER ON MY NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE WERE SLOW DANCING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS A BIG GUY. LIKE, 5'4", 5'5", WITH MOON BOOTS.

IT'S JUST FUN BEING A KID.

LIKE, I REMEMBERBEING ON THE PLAYGROUND

WHEN A BOY HAD A CRUSH ON ME, RUN UP TO ME,

AND PULL MY PIGTAIL, YOU KNOW. WHEN I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY,

I'D RUN UP--AND THIS IS HOW I RAN BACK THEN.

I'D RUN UP TO HIM AND SNEAK UP BEHIND HIM

AND HIT HIM IN THE KIDNEY.

WHEN HE WENT DOWN,KICK HIM IN THE GNARDS.

YOU KNOW IT WAS FUN, JUST FUN STUFF.

- [LAUGHTER] - FUN. HA-HA!

I DID THAT TWO WEEKS AGOTO SOME DUDE IN A BAR.

AND NOW I HAVE APOLICE RECORD. PFFTT!

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE IT. I LIVE OUT-- YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVE OUT IN L.A. L.A. IS KINDA WEIRD.

YOU GOT TO DRIVE EVERYWHERE IN L.A.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST GOT TO DRIVE TO GET YOUR MAIL.

YOU KNOW, YOU DRIVE TO JUST--PEOPLE ARE JUST BASICALLY LAZY.

WHEN YOU TRY TO WALK IN L.A., PEOPLE LIKE, STOP YOU

AND ASK YOU FOR A RIDE."YOU WANT A RIDE, DUDE?

YOU LOOK LOST."

I GOT PULLED OVERBY A BICYCLE COP IN L.A.

NOT A MOTORCYCLE COP. A BICYCL COP.

HE COME IN LIKE, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING.

AND, I'M IN MY CAR. AND, HE GETS OUT.

HE'S SWEATIN'. HE HAS THESE LITTLE SHORTS ON.

"YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, A LOT FASTER THAN THAT BIKE."

"YEAH, I CLOCKED YOU AT120 PEDALS PER SECOND."

AND, HE'S LIKE HARASSIN' ME. YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOUR WINDOWS ARE TINTED."

AND, IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, WELL YOU KNOW, PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME.

I HAVE TO TINT 'EM."HE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE NEVER WATCHED IN LIVING COLOR."

THIS HOMEY DOESN'T PLAY THAT. HERE'S YOUR TICKET."

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A TICKET?"

I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING. BUT YOU CAN'T SAY NOTHIN'

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET ARRESTED

AND HIM PUTTIN' ME IN THE BASKET OF THE BIKE.

AND DRIVE ME DOWNTOWN.I BE LIKE, "MAN, LOOK--WE CAN TAKE MY CAR."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, NOT BY SOMEONE CRAZY, SOMEONE GOOD.

WHEN I GOT FIRED UP THERE, YEAH, JUST TOOK A SHOWER,

A HOT SHOWER. FELLAS, STAY IN YOUR SEATS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS WALKING FROM MY BATHROOM TO MY BEDROOM

AND CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY NAKED BODY IN THE MIRROR,

AND I THOUGHT A SHORT, FAT,ITALIAN MAN BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.

- I WAS READY. - [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS ME.I WAS SO BUMMED.

I'M 85% SURE THAT I HAVE SOMEONE STALKING ME.

BUT HE'S SO OBVIOUS. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

HE DRIVES A BIG BROWN TRUCK. WEARS A BAD BROWN OUTFIT.

AND ACTS LIKE HE'S DELIVERING A PACKAGE

TO MY NEIGHBOR EVERY OTHER MONTH.

- I'M ONTO HIM.- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING I SEE ON TV EITHER.

LIKE, THERE WAS THAT HERBAL SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL WHERE--

YEAH. I SAID "HERBAL."

WHERE THE LADIES ARE IN THE SHOWER USING THE SHAMPOO,

AND THEY'RE HAVING ORGASMS BECAUSE OF THE SHAMPOO.

I WENT TO COSTCO AND BOUGHT THE FAMILY PACK OF THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN THE SHOWER ALL WEEKEND.

THAT SHAMPOO DOES NOT CAUSE ORGASMS...

THE BOTTLE DOES-- POW!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOR-GETTA-BOUT-IT. DON'T YOU-- HOW YOU DOIN'?

I DON'T REALLY TALK LIKE THAT. I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A DAY.

I'M FROM SEATTLE. BUT WOULDN'T IT BE SO COOL

IF YOU COULD GO SOMEWHERE FOR A DAY

AND KEEP THE ACCENT LIKE MADONNA DOES?

SHOULD GO TO ENGLAND FOR TWO WEEKS.

YOU SEE HER ON LETTERMAN. LIKE, "HOW WAS THE TOUR?"

SHE, [English Accent] "OH, DAVID. IT WAS LOVELY.

"WE DO TEA. WE DO CRUMPETS. IT'S FANTASTIC, DAVID.

- THANK YOU." - [LAUGHTER]

BUT SHE CAN GOTO ASIA FOR 6 MONTHS ANDTOUR AND SHE DOESN'T GO,

[Asian Accent] "OH, YOU KNOW, DAVID. THE TOUR WAS GOOD.

"YOU KNOW WE HAD SUSHI AND WE DRANK A LOT OF SAPPORO OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW, THE TOUR WAS GOOD, DAVID. YOU KNOW."

I COULD DO IT ALL NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD TOUR, DAVID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]