Lissow, Jeselnik, Corry, Williams

  • Season 9, Ep 904
  • 01/13/2006

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Jamie Lissow, Anthony Jeselnik, Rebecca Corry, & Damon Williams.

AND SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD. SHE SAID, "ANTHONY,

I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A GIFT FOR YOU THAN IT IS FOR ME."

AND, I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL,

IT WAS ORIGINALLY A GIFTFOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKENDMY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTSCAME INTO TOWN.

TOOK US OUT TO DINNER. AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT

UNTIL THEY ASKED ME,"ANTHONY, WHEN DO WE GETTO MEET YOUR PARENTS?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENTWITH A BRAND SPANKIN'

NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE.I MEAN, THERE'S TIN CANSALL OVER THE STREET.

THE "JUST MARRIED" SIGN IS CRUMPLED UP ON THE GROUND.

I SEE THE GROOM GET OUT OF THE CAR FURIOUS.

AND I'M THINKIN', "HOW AM I GONNA GET OUT OF THIS?"

SO I SAID, "LOOK, WE COULD EXCHANGE INSURANCE INFORMATION BUT THAT IS

NOT GONNA BRING BACK YOUR WIFE."

Audience: OOH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS 13 MY PARENTS SAT ME DOWN AND THEY TOLD ME

THAT I HAD BEEN ADOPTED.AND I GOT PRETTY UPSET.

I SAID, "WELL, WHY'D YOU PICK ME, MOM AND DAD?

WAS I SPECIAL?" AND THEY SAID, "YES, ANTHONY VERY SPECIAL.

"BECAUSE OF ALL THE BABIES WE HAD TO CHOOSE FROM,

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS WHITE."

Audience: OH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I APPRECIATE THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLEWON'T LAUGH AT THAT JOKE

'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT IT MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

WELL, WHAT THOSE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND

- IS I DON'T CARE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S ALWAYS EATING CHOCOLATE. AND SHE LIKES TO JOKE

SHE'S GOT A CHOCOLATE ADDICTION.YOU KNOW, SHE BE LIKE,

"KEEP ME AWAY FROM THOSE HERSHEY'S BARS.

I'M ADDICTED TO 'EM." AND, IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.

SO, I PUT HER IN THE CAR AND I DROVE HER DOWNTOWN.

I POINTED OUT A CRACK ADDICT.

AND I SAID, "YOU SEE THAT, HONEY?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE THAT SKINNY?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND SOME FANCY LINGERIE.

AND SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD. SHE SAID, "ANTHONY,

I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A GIFT FOR YOU THAN IT IS FOR ME."

AND, I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL,

IT WAS ORIGINALLY A GIFTFOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKENDMY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTSCAME INTO TOWN.

TOOK US OUT TO DINNER. AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT

UNTIL THEY ASKED ME,"ANTHONY, WHEN DO WE GETTO MEET YOUR PARENTS?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I'LL POOP MY PANTS,

TO REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING'S JUST NEW AND EXCITING WHEN YOU'RE A KID, RIGHT?

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I FELT A BONER ON MY NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

WE WERE SLOW DANCING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS A BIG GUY. LIKE, 5'4", 5'5", WITH MOON BOOTS.

IT'S JUST FUN BEING A KID.

LIKE, I REMEMBERBEING ON THE PLAYGROUND

WHEN A BOY HAD A CRUSH ON ME, RUN UP TO ME,

AND PULL MY PIGTAIL, YOU KNOW. WHEN I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY,

I'D RUN UP--AND THIS IS HOW I RAN BACK THEN.

I'D RUN UP TO HIM AND SNEAK UP BEHIND HIM

AND HIT HIM IN THE KIDNEY.

WHEN HE WENT DOWN,KICK HIM IN THE GNARDS.

YOU KNOW IT WAS FUN, JUST FUN STUFF.

- [LAUGHTER] - FUN. HA-HA!

I DID THAT TWO WEEKS AGOTO SOME DUDE IN A BAR.

AND NOW I HAVE APOLICE RECORD. PFFTT!

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE IT. I LIVE OUT-- YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIVE OUT IN L.A. L.A. IS KINDA WEIRD.

YOU GOT TO DRIVE EVERYWHERE IN L.A.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST GOT TO DRIVE TO GET YOUR MAIL.

YOU KNOW, YOU DRIVE TO JUST--PEOPLE ARE JUST BASICALLY LAZY.

WHEN YOU TRY TO WALK IN L.A., PEOPLE LIKE, STOP YOU

AND ASK YOU FOR A RIDE."YOU WANT A RIDE, DUDE?

YOU LOOK LOST."

I GOT PULLED OVERBY A BICYCLE COP IN L.A.

NOT A MOTORCYCLE COP. A BICYCL COP.

HE COME IN LIKE, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING, CHING.

AND, I'M IN MY CAR. AND, HE GETS OUT.

HE'S SWEATIN'. HE HAS THESE LITTLE SHORTS ON.

"YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, A LOT FASTER THAN THAT BIKE."

"YEAH, I CLOCKED YOU AT120 PEDALS PER SECOND."

AND, HE'S LIKE HARASSIN' ME. YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOUR WINDOWS ARE TINTED."

AND, IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, WELL YOU KNOW, PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME.

I HAVE TO TINT 'EM."HE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE NEVER WATCHED IN LIVING COLOR."

THIS HOMEY DOESN'T PLAY THAT. HERE'S YOUR TICKET."

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A TICKET?"

I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING. BUT YOU CAN'T SAY NOTHIN'

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET ARRESTED

AND HIM PUTTIN' ME IN THE BASKET OF THE BIKE.

AND DRIVE ME DOWNTOWN.I BE LIKE, "MAN, LOOK--WE CAN TAKE MY CAR."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THE OTHER DAY I WASWALKING ALONG THE STREET

AND THIS GORGEOUS GIRL RIDES BY ON A BICYCLE.

ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE GROUP AHEAD OF ME

LOOKS AT HER, AND HE GOES, "MAN, LOOK AT HER.

WISH I COULD BE THAT BICYCLE SEAT."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?DON'T YOU THINK

THAT'S A LITTLE BITOF AN UNREALISTIC GOAL?"

YOU KNOW, BESIDESIF YOU'RE GOING FOR IT,

WHY NOT JUST AIM TO BE THE GUY THAT'S SLEEPING WITH HER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW MAYBE SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE SORCERY.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE TO DRINK A LITTLE-- DRINK A LITTLE BEER.

I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO DRINK TO HAVE FUN IF YOU'RE CREATIVE.

YOU KNOW, SAY YOU'RE DRIVING HOME TONIGHT.

YOU'RE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER. YOUR BUDDY'S NEXT TO YOU.

HAMMERED. PASSED OUT ASLEEP. YOU CAN STILL HAVE SOME FUN.

DRIVE INTO ONE OF THOSEAUTOMATIC CAR WASHES.

WHEN YOU GET IN THE MIDDLE, THAT'S WHEN YOU LEAN OVER,

SHAKE YOUR BUDDY UP. "DUDE, WAKE UP, MAN.

YOU BETTER GET INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

- IT IS POURING OUTSIDE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THERE'S SOAP AND STUFF, MAN. I'D GET IN THERE.

THERE'S LIKE A BIG BRUSH MONSTER."

[LAUGHTER]

SEE HIM THE NEXT DAY. HE'S ALL HUNG-OVER

WITH BRUSH MARKS AND WAXALL OVER HIM. YOU KNOW,

LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF A STORM WAS THAT

"WE RAN INTO, MAN? I HAVE A STICKER ON MY ASS

"I CAN COME BACK IF IT RAINS. WHAT?

"MY-- MY UNDERCARRIAGEIS GLISTENING.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW-- I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD ONE."

YOU GOT TO KEEP THE SPICE IN 'CAUSE YOU REALLY DON'T WANT

YOUR MAN AT THE STRIP CLUB. YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T.

HOW MANY BROTHERS GO TO STRIP CLUBS?

FELLAS, TO THE STRIP-- RIGHT, RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOBODY GO TO THE STRIP CLUB.

IF YOU DON'T GO, I DON'T BLAME YOU

'CAUSE ACTUALLY I DON'TREALLY LIKE STRIP CLUBS.

BUT I GOT A COUSIN. HE GOT STRIPPERS IN HIS BUDGET.

- [LAUGHTER] - I SWEAR.

IT'S RENT, CAR NOTES, STRIPPERS. YOU KNOW.

SO WE HANGIN' OUT IN CANADA. AND IF YOU'VE EVEN BEEN THERE,

YOU KNOW THEY HAVETOTALLY NUDE STRIPPERS.

AND THEY SELLIN' LAP DANCES LIKE FOR $20.

YOU KNOW, AND HE'S BUYIN' 'EM, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE.

YOU KNOW, THEN HE ASKED ME IF I WANT A DANCE.

I'M LIKE "I DON'TREALLY WANT A LAP DANCE.

YOU KNOW I DON'T REALLY WANT HER ON MY LAP.

SHE BEEN WALKIN' AROUNDNAKED ALL DAY."

I JUST GOT MY SUIT OUT THE CLEANERS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? - [LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T GO HOME LIKE THAT.YOU KNOW.

BUT THIS FOOL IS BUYIN'DANCE, DANCE, DANCE

TO THE POINTWHERE IT'S BOTHERIN' ME.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?"

"YOU WASTIN' ALL THIS MONEYON THIS WOMAN.

"YOU CAN'T TOUCH HER.YOU CAN'T TAKE HER HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTIN' OUTTA THIS?"

SO, HE GONNA TRY TO TELL ME LIKE IT'S LOGICAL,

"WELL, FOR ME, MAN, STRIPPERSTHEY FULFILL A FANTASY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A FANTASY." SO, I ASKED HIM. I'M LIKE,

"WELL, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WAVIN' THAT SAME 3, $400

IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN WOMAN?" OH, THEY'RE QUIET NOW.

YOU PUT OUT $500, YOUR GIRL'S GONNA DO SOME FREAKY THINGS.

TRUST ME. TRUST ME. YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE HER.

SHE LIKE, "WHAT-- WHAT YOU WANT?

"WHAT YOU SAYIN'? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?

WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

NOW, NOT ONLYWILL YOU GET A FANTASY,

YOU MIGHT GET SOME GROCERIES. TOO.

YOU COME HOME, SHE JUST BE DANCIN' AND COOKIN'.

"OOH, IS THAT A 20? WATCH OUT, BIG DADDY.

WATCH OUT."

YOU KNOW, NOT BY SOMEONE CRAZY, SOMEONE GOOD.

WHEN I GOT FIRED UP THERE, YEAH, JUST TOOK A SHOWER,

A HOT SHOWER. FELLAS, STAY IN YOUR SEATS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS WALKING FROM MY BATHROOM TO MY BEDROOM

AND CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY NAKED BODY IN THE MIRROR,

AND I THOUGHT A SHORT, FAT,ITALIAN MAN BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.

- I WAS READY. - [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS ME.I WAS SO BUMMED.

I'M 85% SURE THAT I HAVE SOMEONE STALKING ME.

BUT HE'S SO OBVIOUS. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

HE DRIVES A BIG BROWN TRUCK. WEARS A BAD BROWN OUTFIT.

AND ACTS LIKE HE'S DELIVERING A PACKAGE

TO MY NEIGHBOR EVERY OTHER MONTH.

- I'M ONTO HIM.- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING I SEE ON TV EITHER.

LIKE, THERE WAS THAT HERBAL SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL WHERE--

YEAH. I SAID "HERBAL."

WHERE THE LADIES ARE IN THE SHOWER USING THE SHAMPOO,

AND THEY'RE HAVING ORGASMS BECAUSE OF THE SHAMPOO.

I WENT TO COSTCO AND BOUGHT THE FAMILY PACK OF THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN THE SHOWER ALL WEEKEND.

THAT SHAMPOO DOES NOT CAUSE ORGASMS...

THE BOTTLE DOES-- POW!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOR-GETTA-BOUT-IT. DON'T YOU-- HOW YOU DOIN'?

I DON'T REALLY TALK LIKE THAT. I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A DAY.

I'M FROM SEATTLE. BUT WOULDN'T IT BE SO COOL

IF YOU COULD GO SOMEWHERE FOR A DAY

AND KEEP THE ACCENT LIKE MADONNA DOES?

SHOULD GO TO ENGLAND FOR TWO WEEKS.

YOU SEE HER ON LETTERMAN. LIKE, "HOW WAS THE TOUR?"

SHE, [English Accent] "OH, DAVID. IT WAS LOVELY.

"WE DO TEA. WE DO CRUMPETS. IT'S FANTASTIC, DAVID.

- THANK YOU." - [LAUGHTER]

BUT SHE CAN GOTO ASIA FOR 6 MONTHS ANDTOUR AND SHE DOESN'T GO,

[Asian Accent] "OH, YOU KNOW, DAVID. THE TOUR WAS GOOD.

"YOU KNOW WE HAD SUSHI AND WE DRANK A LOT OF SAPPORO OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW, THE TOUR WAS GOOD, DAVID. YOU KNOW."

I COULD DO IT ALL NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD TOUR, DAVID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE WERE TRYIN' TO THINK UPPICK UP LINES FOR

REALLY, REALLY UGLY GIRLS. AND SO FAR WE'VE COME UP WITH--

"LET'S GO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO WORK OUT.

DO WE HAVE ANY CRAZY WORKOUT FANATICS WITH US?

ANYBODY EVER KNOW ANYBODY THAT WORKED OUT? ANY--

ANYBODY EVER WORKED OUTSIDE? A GARDENER? ANY-- UM...

I LIKE WORKING OUT BUT I CAN'T STAND THE CHARACTERS

IN THE PUBLIC GYM. NO MATTER WHAT CITY I'M IN,

IT'S LIKE THERE'S ALWAYS THE SAME PEOPLE IN THERE.

LIKE THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY THAT JUST FIGURED OUT

THE QUICKEST WAY TO LOOK REAL BIG WITHOUT ACTUALLY

TRAINING WITH WEIGHTS IS TO SQUEEZE HIS WEIRD BODY INTO THE SMALLEST SHIRT

HE CAN POSSIBLY FIND. RIGHT? AND YOU SEE HIM IN THERE.

AND, YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN, BOB. MAN, YOU'RE LOOKIN' HUGE.

"YEAH. WAIT A SECOND. WHAT'S THAT SHIRT SAY?

- 'DADDY'S LITTLE PRINCESS'?" - [LAUGHTER]

"DUDE, YOU SHOULDGET SOME POKEYMON SOCKS.

YOUR CALVES WOULD LOOK HUGE."

THERE'S ONE GUYYELLING AT ME IN THERE.

I NEVER EVEN MET HIM BEFORE. HE'S GOIN' NUTS.

"COME ON, MAN. YOU GOT TO WANT IT, MAN.

COME ON. PUSH IT NOW. COME ON. PUSH IT NOW!"

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN. ONE GUY PER STALL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE NEW YORK. I LOVE YOU. I MEAN, THE WOMEN HERE

ARE A LITTLE BIT AGGRESSIVE I FIND.

I WAS IN A BAR LAST NIGHT AND I WAS SITTIN' THERE.

AND THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL WALKS IN, RIGHT?

SITS DOWN RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

BEFORE I CAN EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY,

SHE TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER. I LOOK OVER.

SHE LOOKS ME RIGHT IN THE EYES AND SHE GOES, "LET'S GO."

THAT DROVE TONIGHT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE BEIN'

REAL SELECTIVE ON HOWYOU USE YOUR GAS, $3 A GALLON.

YOU KNOW, LIFE'S GETTIN' HARD.

AND A LOT OF THINGS CAN KILL NOW.

IT'S RIDICULOUS. MOSQUITOES CAN KILL YOU NOW.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MAD I WOULD BEIF I DIED FROM A MOSQUITO BITE?

I'M A BLACK MAN. GREW UP ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO.

I'VE AVOIDED DRUG DEALERS, GANG BANGERS, SICKLE CELL,

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, THE POLICE,

AND NOW A MOSQUITO GONNA TAKE ME OUT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH SILLY. AND YOU KNOW,BEIN' SILLY THOUGH,

KINDA MAKE YOU HARD TODAY,AND SOMETIMES YOU GET WITH GIRLS

AND THEY DON'T WANT TO LAUGH AND STUFF.

I WAS WITH THIS ONE GIRL AND IT WAS TRIPPED OUT 'CAUSE

YOU KNOW HOW YOU MEET SOMEBODY AND NOTICE A FEATURE ABOUT 'EM

THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE AT FIRST BUT IT'S NOT QUITE RIGHT?

LIKE THEY GOT AN EYE THAT DRIFTS SOMETIMES.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHEN DID YOU GET THE-- OKAY."

BUT NOW I'M MARRIED THOUGH.MY WIFE IS HERE.

GIVE MY WIFE SOME LOVE. THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S COOL THOUGH. BUT YOU GOT TO KEEP THE ROMANCE IN IT.

FOR ANY COUPLES IN HERE, YOU GOT TO KEEP THE ROMANCE.

AND FELLAS, YOU GOT TO DO THING NOWADAYS.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, AND IF YOU BEEN WITH YOUR GIRL

FOR A WHILE LIKE 9 OR 10 YEARS,

YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T WORKIN' OUT NO MORE.

YOU AIN'T TRYIN' TO IMPRESS HER WITH THAT.

AND LADIES YOU KNOW, OVER TIME YOU MIGHT'VE GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

AND YOU AIN'T NECESSARILY SWEEPIN' HER OFF HER FEET

THESE DAYS. YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I SUGGEST YOU GO SOMEPLACE LIKE THE CARIBBEAN.

OR SOMEPLACE WITH WATER OR SWIMMIN' POOL,

'CAUSE YOU PUT HER IN THE POOL.THE WATER TAKES AWAY THE WEIGHT.

YOU CAN CARRY HER AROUND, DUDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN MAKE HER FEEL DAINTY ALL OVER.

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