August 18, 2016 - Emily King

  • 08/18/2016

The Best F#@king News Team examines third-party candidates, Jordan Klepper puts Donald Trump fans to the test, and Emily King performs songs from her album "The Switch."

let's turn nowto the presidential race.

Hillary Clintonversus Donald Trump,

the Batman v. Superman of American politics,

in that it has left Americavery disappointed.

The majority of voters continueto hold unfavorable views

of both candidates.

REPORTER: A remarkable 58% of registered voters

now say they are dissatisfied with the choice before them.

This election, for many people,is who do you hate the least.

The unlikable crookor the unlikable clown?

Wow, okay.

That was, uh, unnecessary.

The unlikable clown?

Who likes clowns?You can just say "the clown."

You don't needto say "unlikable."

It's unnecessary. Uh...

And that's what's so weirdabout this election for me,

because when itcomes to everything

except presidential candidates,

Americans have the most choices,

You know? For more thingsthan anyone else in the world.

Like, I can walk intoa supermarket-- any supermarket

in America--and choose from literally

400 different kinds of yogurt.

I don't even thinkpeople realize how weird it is

to have this manytypes of yogurt--

every texture, every size.

Fruit on the bottom,fruit mixed in,

sometimes fruit you don't evenknow where it's hiding --

It just sneaks up on youwhile you're eating.

You're just like,"Mmm, that... Aah, kiwi, kiwi!"

And yet, when it comesto selecting America's leader

for the next four years,you're stuck with two choices:

Hillary Clintonand Donald Trump.

Or, to put that in yogurt terms,

vanilla andsriracha baboon anus.

But... but, as muchas voters complain

about neither of these choicesbeing appealing,

come November 8,a decision has to be made.

So, for more on,uh, more insight

on America's,uh, difficult choice,

we turn to our election analysts

Hasan Minhaj, Desi Lydicand Adam Lowitt, everybody.

(cheering, applause)

Thank you so muchfor joining, guys.

Uh, Hasan, let's start with you.

How does a dissatisfiedvoter decide

between Hillary Clintonand Donald Trump?

Well, it's easy,Trevor-- you don't.

Why choose betweenCoke and Pepsi

when you can have Diet Shasta?

I'm talking about Libertariannominee Gary Johnson.

Uh, I'm sorry, Hasan-- who?

Trevor, Johnson is anexperienced entrepreneur,

he's former governorof New Mexico,

and he's so legit that he callshimself Honest Johnson.

H... Honest Johnson sounds like

the worst porn name ever.That's...

Okay, well, I think we need somemore honesty in the bedroom.

Oh, you know what, Hasan, Ihave heard about this candidate.

I mean, uh, this is the same guy

who's really open about smokingweed all the time, right?

I don't know if Americanswant their president

to be highin the Situation Room.

Hey, look, if America hada president who smoked weed

maybe we wouldn't be so quickto go into war all the time.

Like, imagine if George Bushwould have been high--

would we have gone into Iraq?

I think you stillwould have gone in,

just a lot slower.

Yeah, but Gary Johnsonis against gun control.

Yeah, that's whatbeing a libertarian means--

no government anywhere.They won't raise my taxes,

regulate my businesses or tellmy I can't marry a sasquatch.

O-Okay, you know, uh...That-that last...

Did you say "sasq..."This is ridiculous.

Uh, uh, Desi, surely you don'tagree with this madness.

No. First of all,good luck finding a sasquatch

that's single, okay?And secondly,

I don't want a presidentwho I share a weed dealer with.

There's a perfectly goodcandidate out there

who happens to be a woman,

and I am with her.

Of course-- Hillary Clinton.

No. Dr. Jill Stein.

Hillary doesn't own her.(short chuckle)

You see, Trevor,the Green party nominee

is pledging to move Americato 100% renewable energy

and cancel all student debt.

She's the perfectprogressive candidate.

If Hillary and Bernie had sex

and someone watched it,

that personwould be Dr. Jill Stein.

Are you kidding me?

A candidate who's skepticalabout vaccines?

Oh, is someone afraid of polio?

I am.

O-okay, look, uh,maybe-maybe Hasan is right

about the vaccines,and Desi is right

that Hasan's beinga little bitch about it,

um, but that's notthe only thing, Desi.

Dr. Stein is alsovery suspicious of Wi-Fi.

There's a video makingthe rounds now-- it's being,

uh, reported out--i-in which you appear to say

that, uh, broadbandInternet access in schools,

Wi-Fi, uh, is somehow having

an adverse health effecton children's brains?

Many countries, in-includingthe European regulatory agency,

have seen fit to protect,um, vulnerable people

from, uh...from that sort of-of, uh...

of radiation.

I am not saying that the scienceis done on this,

rather that the sciencehas just begun.

So, Desi, your reply to that?

I don't... I don't know what'sso strange about that, Trevor.

Dr. Jill Stein is just sayingshe wants to do more research

-on Wi-Fi.-And how am I supposed

to research Wi-Fi without Wi-Fi?

Aw, someone doesn't havean unlimited data plan?

I-I don't, actually. Uh...

C-C... Hello?Can I please say something?

Please, Adam,go-go ahead, go ahead.

Yeah, are we really havingthis conversation,

Honest Johnson or Dr. Dial-Up?

You know? Like, everyone knowswho America needs,

Evan McMullin.

-Sorry, who?-Who? -Who?

Just roll the clip.

REPORTER: Former CIA operative Evan McMullin

launching an independent bid for the White House.

McMullin is being funded and helped

by GOP members unhappy with Trump.

That's a real choice there,Trevor.

Evan McMullin.

Adam,are you supporting McMullin

because you guys lookexactly the same?

Wow. Wow.

So all bald people look aliketo you, huh?

Yeah, actually,to be honest, they do.

I think so, too.It's crazy, right?

I once got mistakenfor Ving Rhames.

-What?-I know!

Well, well, th-thank you so muchto our panel.

We-we came into this discussiontalking about two candidates.

We came out realizingthere were actually five people

who could become presidentof the United States.

-And so...-(others protesting)

-H-Hold on, hold on.-Uh, hold on, Trevor.

I said you can vote for Gary Johnson,

but there is no wayhe can win this election.

Voting Gary Johnsonis as useless

as me getting TSA PreCheck--

I'm still gettingthat random search.

Yeah, yeah.I think Jill Stein is great,

but the truth isAmerica is a two-party system,

so voting for Jill Stein

is like throwing penniesin a wishing well--

it's fun to saywhat you wish for,

but that doesn't meanit's gonna come true.

Yeah, I don't even remembermy guy's name.

Evan-Evan McMullin.

-Who? -The-the guyyou were talking about earlier.

-You mean Ving Rhames?-A-All right, you know what,

uh, we're gonna haveto cut it there.

Thank you so muchfor wasting everyone's time.

Uh, give it up for thecorrespondents one more time,

Earlier this week, Donald Trumpproposed a bold new program

to manage immigrationinto the United States.

We should only admitinto this country

those who share our valuesand respect our people.

I call it extreme vetting.

I call itextreme, extreme vetting.

It's like he really thinks themore "extremes" he puts on it

the more votes he'll get,you know?

"We're down six points in Ohio,so extreme vetting.

"Extreme, extreme.

"Check again.How many? How many? Seven.

Extreme, extreme."

The big question is, uh,how widely shared

are the values that Trump speaksof amongst Trump supporters?

Well, we sent Jordan Klepperto find out.

KLEPPER: Donald Trump's new ideological screening test

will weed out extremists with...

Extreme viewsabout religion such as...

It's oppression of women,gays and non-believers.

KLEPPER: That's right. Trump wants prospective Americans

to embrace religious freedom, gender equality and gay rights.

At a recent rally in Wisconsin, his fans were on board.

I am for extreme vetting. I am.

I think it is a good idea.

Extreme vetting.

Think that's a good idea?

Of course.He forgot one thing.

Just make 'em eat some bacon.

KLEPPER: These guys were pumped about

America's values of tolerance so

I knew they'd pass Trump's test with flying colors.

Fill in the blank for me.

Two men getting married is...blank.

Disgusting.

I should answerit's legal in the United States.

Oh, it's legal,but I don't like it.

It's importantto believe in our...

you know, to have respectfor everyone's religion.

-So you respect Christianity?-I do.

-Judaism.-Yes.

-Islam.-No.

Can a woman be president?

The presidency is a man's job.

I have women are qualifiedto be president.

No. A femalehas more hormones.

She could start a warin ten seconds

if she has hot flashes,whatever-- boom!

Haven't all warsbeen started by men?

Mm... yes.

Do you think a gay coupleshould have the same rights

-as a het...?-No, I don't.

I really don't.I don't think it's fair.

To the gay couple?

Well, no, but,

the regular couple--they work so hard, you know.

And the gay couple--they want more.

Do you...? When you say more,do you mean equal?

Yeah, they want equal in that.

-And that's just too much?-Yeah.

-No, that's the wrong answer.Sorry. Hold on. -Ah.

Turns out Trump's ideology test

was going to be harder than I thought.

Whenever I hear "president,"I think of man.

It's a man's job.

What's the r...?I may be...

Uh, closed-minded.

No. Yeah, well, no.

-Um...-Misogynistic?

(laughs)No.

You're votingagainst your own interests.

That's it. Thank you very much.

These extreme nations-- theydon't treat women with respect.

We treat womenwith respect here.

Yes, we do, be...

-That's an American ideal.-Yup.

Tell me about your shirt.

-What's it say?-It says... (laughs)

"Hillary sucks."

(laughs)But not like Monica.

Hilarious.

So we were talking abouttreating women with respect.

It's an American ideal

that we treat womenwith respect, so...

You got to give me the backof that shirt one more time.

That's too much fun.

Trump that bitch!

(laughs) We don't even seethe irony in it.

I love it, right?

As passionate as these guys were,

they just weren't passing Trump's ideological test.

Luckily, there was still time to study.

This will just help youprep for the test

so if you take it again,you'll be more welcome here.

Uh, this is a DVD of the thirdseason of Will & Grace.

-Okay. -It's really likableand not too gay, gay people.

This one is gonna be goodfor you.

Gloria Steinem.

This really like, uh,humanizes women.

-Okay?-(laughs) 'Cause us feminists--

-we have so much workto be done. -(Klepper laughs)

-You know?-You a feminist?

-No. -KLEPPER: Obviously, extreme vetting was necessary

to weed out extremists,

but until the plan was in place, were any of us safe?

Are you afraid the extremistsare already here right now?

They could be anywhere.

They could be right here.

-They could be.-Yeah.

-Like that guy or that guy.-They could be over there.

-They could be that guy,or this guy. -Anybody.

-It could be anybody.-It could be anybody.

(drum roll)

(majestic band melody)

- My favorite momenthas gotta be Kerri Strug

landing that vault with a broken foot.

- I just remember beinga kid and watching

the Dream Team and seeing Larry Bird play

with Magic and Jordan, just thinking if I got good

at basketball, I could have some black friends, maybe.

- My favorite athlete is Michael Phelps,

'cause he proves you could smoke weed

and still be successful.

- My favorite Olympic story of all time

is Eric the Eel.

Eric the Eel was...

I don't, wait.

Can you understand me with my accent?

- [Voiceover] I actually have no idea what you're saying.

- Oh, I thought so.

So, maybe we can put subtitles?

(inspirational brass band ensemble)

(tribal drumming)

(awe-inspiring orchestral score)

- [Voiceover] Equatorial Guinea, Eric Moussambani.

(buzzer)

- [Voiceover] Up, up, up

- [Voiceover] Oh, goodness, me.

- [Voiceover] Oh, no.

(native drumming)

(beep)(crowd cheering)

- [Voiceover] And heat one of

this Men's 100 Meters Freestyle

and here we haveEric Moussambani

of Equatorial Guinea.

- [Voiceover] This guy doesn't look as though

he's gonna make it.

- [Voiceover] Now I am convinced this guy

is gonna have to get hold of the lane rope

in a minute.

- [Voiceover] Ajen, I'm notsure he's gonna make it, is he?

- [Voiceover] Yeah, he is, you see this is the Olympics.

He's got 17,000 people shouting for him.

- [Voiceover] Eric Moussambani of Equatorial Guinea,

wins heat one of the Men's 100 Meters Freestyle.

Well, I thought I'd seen everything

in the Olympic swimming pool.

(triumphant band movement)

- [Voiceover] How do you feel?

- Bitch, I'm tired.

(rousing final trumpet blast)