A Very Dramatic Episode

  • Season 3, Ep 8
  • 04/21/2016

Things get dramatic when Alice Wetterlund, Pat Regan and Joe Sinclitico are on the show (but they still manage to do some stand-up).

[tender piano music]

- [sighs]There you are.

I've been lookingall over for you.

About last night...

- What about last night?

- I can't stopthinking about it.

Two bodies becoming one.

What's wrong?

- I'm pregnant,you fool.

[guitar strumming][door opens]

Quick, hide.

- Hello, darling.

I wrote you a songabout last night.

- Last night?- What are you doing here?

- Visiting my baby mama.

- Please,

stop.

- Uh-oh.Hey, party people!

Who wants a piña colada?

[beach music playing]You want a piña colada?

- Hey.

I'm the manager.

Keep it down.

And what I say goes.

[dramatic music]

- [slurping]

So turn it down?

[theme music plays]

[playing harmonica and guitar]

♪ Sitting onmy bedroom floor ♪

♪ Feeling so alone

♪ Black outall the windows ♪

♪ And disconnectthe phone ♪

♪ No one calls me anyways

♪ No one even cares

♪ I could disappear likea ghost in a graveyard ♪

♪ Open upthe dresser drawer ♪

♪ Where I keep my gun

♪ The cold black steellooks up at me ♪

♪ Like shadows at the sun

♪ I load it up with bullets

♪ And I downa glass of rum ♪

♪ It burns my throat,but that's okay ♪

♪ 'Cause it numbs the pain ♪

♪ Crying likea newborn child ♪

♪ My hands,they shake with fear ♪

♪ I think it'swhat I have to do ♪

♪ But I'm not thinking clear ♪

♪ I close my eyesand count to three ♪

♪ And drawone final breath ♪

♪ Then I putthe handgun in my mouth ♪

♪ And guesswhat happens next ♪

♪ I suck the gunlike a dick ♪

♪ I suck the gunlike a dick ♪

♪ I suck the gunlike a dick ♪

♪ I suck the gunlike a dick ♪

♪ Gobble, gobble,gobble, gobble ♪

♪ Yum, yum, yum, yum

♪ I want this .38 to shoota load across my tongue ♪

♪ My troubles are forgotten'cause I'm having so much fun ♪

♪ Sucking this gun

♪ Like a dick

[cheers and applause]

Nobody's surprisedabout that at all.

[cheers and applause]

Sure.Yeah, now it's cool.

Now it's cool to be a feminist.Beyoncé made it okay.

Yeah, I was--I was a feministback when it was not cool,

back when you were like,"I'm a feminist"

and everybody's like: [scoffs]"You're a feminist.

That means you hate men."

And you're like, "Oh, no,you're just confused.

Being a feminist meansmen hate me."

Uh, that's what that is, um...

[cheers and applause]

Um.

You know,but it's okay now.

And now it's awesome, because,like, Beyoncé came out

and was like, "I'm a feminist,"and you're like,

"Oh, well, she doesn't hate men;she was designed by men."

So, um, you know...[laughter and groaning]

Ah.Treason.

So I said it.

I'm dating someone now.He's really great.

He's a feminist.- Whoo!

- Yeah, it's really cool.He's--he's a feminist.

Well, he's 25, so he'swhatever I make him be.

[laughter]

So...He's so cute.

And he loves that joke...

'cause I tell him to.

Uh, he's great.He is great.

No, it's good.

It's good, because--but it'skind of worrisome,

because he's the second guyI've dated

with, like,a big age difference.

The last guy I datedwas a lot younger,

and, um,he was a musician, actually.

And it's really hot,'cause I, like--I--

I get really turned onby lending people money.

Um, so...

I was like, "Ooh."

that we have allunknowingly boughten into.

I'm not talking about"9/11 was an inside job."

I'm not talking aboutthe Kennedy assassination.

I'm talking about

karate.

Karate is bullshit.

We've all takenkarate lessons.

There's a karate studio inhalf the strip malls in America.

Have you ever seena karate fight break out

ever in your life?

Never once.

You've never been at a barand seen two dudes

in each other's faces like,"All right, that's it, man!

"I'm sick of your shit!You're dead!

"What's up now, bro?

"What's up now, dude?

"What's going on, bro?

What's up?Kiai!"

And then there's justbodies everywhere,

dudes knocked out dead.

[laughs]

You guys,I like Thanksgiving.