September 16, 2014 - Unlocking the Truth

  • 09/16/2014

President Obama gathers allies to battle ISIS, an investor aims to take over a popular restaurant chain, and teen metal band Unlocking the Truth performs their song "Monster."

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, OBAMAUNVEILS HIS PLAN TO FIGHT

I.S.I.S.

WHILE I.S.I.S. UNVEILS THEIRPLAN TO VEIL EVERYONE.

(LAUGHTER)THEN ADVICE FOR A STRUGGLING

RESTAURANT CHAIN.

THREE WORDS -- CHEESE-FILLEDFORKS.

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUESTS TONIGHT,

"UNLOCKING THE TRUTH," ARE AHEAVY METAL BAND MADE UP OF 12

AND 13-YEAR-OLDS.

THEY AVAILABLE FOR THEIR OWNBAR MITZVAHS.

(LAUGHTER)RYAN GOSLING HAS WELCOMED HIS

FIRSTBORN CHILD INTO THE WORLD.

WAIT -- WHAT DO YOU CALL A BABYGOSLING?

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS "THE COLBERT REPORT"!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THEREPORT," EVERYONE!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS! THERE IT IS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THANK YOU!

I JUST RIDE THE WAVE. I JUSTRIDE THE WAVE.

THESE PEOPLE ARE THE HEROES.THESE ARE THE PEOPLE DOING IT.

YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE, ANDTHESE PEOPLE RIGHT THERE.

I GOTTA TELL YA. FOLKS, THANKYOU SO MUCH!

I TELL YOU, THESE PEOPLE OUTTHERE, THEY ARE THE ONES

GENERATING ALL THE ENERGY ANDALL THE HEROISM!

THESE ARE THE IT-GETTERS!

I JUST RIDE THE WAVES OF THEIRTRUTH.

NOW NATION, I HOPE I DON'T HAVETO TELL YOU THAT AMERICA FACES

AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT FROM THEBRUTAL TERRORISTS IN I.S.I.S.,

ALSO KNOWN AS "THE ISLAMICSTATE."

(LAUGHTER)BY THE WAY, THAT IS NOT A

SAFETY SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)I.S.I.S. HAS BECOME MY OFFICIAL

NUMBER-ONE ENEMY.

YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK FOR NOW,RAISINS IN SALAD.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, PRESIDENT PACIFIST HERE HAS

FINALLY GOTTEN OFF THEPOT AND DECLARED KINDA-SORTA

WAR, WHICH IKINDA-SORTA SUPPORT.

(LAUGHTER)I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE ASKING,

"DOESN'T HE NEED CONGRESSIONALAPPROVAL TO DECLARE WAR?"

TO WHICH I RESPOND, "SHUT UP,GREG."

(LAUGHTER)CONGRESS ALREADY GAVE PRESIDENT

OBAMA ALL THE AUTHORITY HE NEEDSBACK WHEN HE WAS A BETTER

PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)JIM?

>> IT IS THE VIEW OF THISADMINISTRATION THAT THE 2001

AUMF CONTINUES TOAPPLY TO I.S.I.L.

>> Stephen: YES, THEAUTHORIZATION FOR THE USE

OF MILITARY FORCE" OR "AUMF"!

AUMF STILL APPLIES TO I.S.I.S.,EVEN THOUGH AUMF-CORDING TO THE

AUMF --(LAUGHTER)

-- THE PRESIDENT IS AUTHORIZEDTO USE ALL NECESSARY AND

APPROPRIATE FORCE AGAINST THOSENATIONS, ORGANIZATIONS OR

PERSONS HE DETERMINES PLANNED,AUTHORIZED, COMMITTED OR AIDED

THE TERRORIST ATTACKS THATOCCURRED ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001.

OF COURSE, I.S.I.S. DID NOTATTACK US IN 2001.

THAT WAS AL QAEDA.

BUT PRESIDENT OBAMA FIXED THAT.

>> I.S.I.L. IS A TERRORISTORGANIZATION, PURE AND SIMPLE.

IT WAS FORMERLY AL QAEDA'SAFFILIATE IN IRAQ.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

IT WAS AFFILIATED WITHAL QAEDA -- SO THEY'RE

BOMBABLE NOW.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S LIKE IF CONGRESS GAVE THE

PRESIDENT AUTHORIZATION TO BOMBNIRVANA IN 1994, HE COULD STILL

BLOW UP THE FOO FIGHTERS TODAY.

(LAUGHTER)AFTER ALL, THEY HAVE DECLARED

JIHAD! (APPLAUSE)

DAVE GROHL HAS DECLARED JIHAD ONFOO!

(LAUGHTER)NOW, WHILE "I" FULLY SUPPORT THE

PRESIDENT'S PLAN OF DOING THISWITH JUST DRONE STRIKES, SOME

OPPOSE IT.

FIRST OF ALL, ME.

ALSO, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR ANDYOUR DISAPPROVING AUNT, LINDSEY

GRAHAM.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT'S GOING TO TAKE AN ARMY TO

BEAT AN ARMY.

AND THIS IDEA WE'LL NEVER HAVEANY BOOTS ON THE GROUND TO

DEFEAT THEM IN SYRIA IS FANTASY.

OUR STRATEGY WILL FAIL YETAGAIN.

THIS PRESIDENT NEEDS TO RISE TOTHE OCCASION BEFORE WE ALL GET

KILLED BACK HERE AT HOME.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WE'RE ALL GONNADIE!

HE'S SO BRAVE UP THERE!

(LAUGHTER)AND WORST OF ALL -- NO ONE WILL

BE ALIVE TO BLAME IT ON OBAMA!

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, FOLKS,

WITHOUT GROUND FORCESIN SYRIA, EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND

CHILD IN THE UNITEDSTATES, INCLUDING PUERTO

RICO, GUAM AND AMERICAN SAMOA,ARE JUST DEAD MEN WALKING.

THOSE 30,000 I.S.I.S. FIGHTERSWILL KILL ALL 300 MILLION OF US

OVER COLUMBUS DAY WEEKEND.

(LAUGHTER)FOR THAT MATTER, WE COULD ALL BE

DEAD BY THE END OF THISSENTENCE.

OKAY.

WE DODGED A BULLET THIS TIME,BUT WE COULD BE DEAD BY THE END

OF THIS SENTENCE.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

NOW WE'RE JUST LIVING ONBORROWED TIME.

(LAUGHTER)UNLESS I'M ALREADY DEAD RIGHT

NOW BECAUSE THIS SUREFEELS LIKE HEAVEN, EVERYBODY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

FOLKS -- FOLKS -- THANK YOU.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")THANK YOU, FOLKS.

I AGREE WITH YOU.

WHILE I APPLAUD MY FELLOWSOUTH CACKALACKIAN'S

STATESMAN-LIKE PANTS-CRAPPING, IWANT TO SAY, FOLKS,

PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.

HMM --THAT REALLY DOES NOT SOUND LIKE

ME. HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

(LAUGHTER)NOPE.

SAME AS ALWAYS.

106.2.

ALL RIGHT. AND HERE'S WHY,FOLKS. HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T

PANIC -- BECAUSE WE "WILL" HAVEGROUND FORCES, THANKS TO OUR

CLOSEST ALLY: ANYONE WHO WILLDO IT.

>> THE PRESIDENT HAS RULED OUTU.S. COMBAT TROOPS AND WILL RELY

ON THE IRAQI ARMY AND THESO-CALLED MODERATE SYRIAN

OPPOSITION.

>> KURDISH PESHMERGA FORCES AREFIGHTING ON THE FRONT LINES.

>> THE PESHMERGA WILL BE THEBOOTS ON THE GROUND.

>> Stephen: YES, THE IRAQIARMY, THE MODERATE SYRIAN

OPPOSITION, AND SOMETHING CALLEDTHE KURDISH PESHMERGA.

WHICH I BELIEVE IS AN AGGRESSIVEAND HIGHLY-LETHAL TYPE OF

YOGURT. (LAUGHTER)

NOW NATION, YOU KNOW, YOU WATCHTHE SHOW, YOU KNOW I ALWAYS

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS AND,APPARENTLY, THESE ARE THEM NOW.

AND I WOULD BUY EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM A BEER, OR WHATEVER

MUSLIMS ARE ALLOWED TO DRINK.

I'M GONNA SAY, PESHMERGA?

AND IF WE'RE GOING INTO SYRIA,THE KEY HERE, OF COURSE, IS THE

MODERATE SYRIAN OPPOSITION, WHOMTHE "NEW YORK TIMES"

DESCRIBED AS "A DIVERSEGROUP RIVEN BY INFIGHTING,

WITH NO SHAREDLEADERSHIP."

WELL THAT'S GOOD.

CAUSE IF MOVIES HAVE TAUGHT USANYTHING, IT'S THAT A RAGTAG

BAND OF UNDERDOGS CAN OVERCOMEANY ODDS.

(LAUGHTER)I SAY THIS WAR IN SYRIA WILL BE

JUST LIKE EXPENDABLES 3, ANEXPENSIVE SEQUEL THAT NO ONE

WILL WANT TO SEE.

PLUS, WE'VE GOT A NUMBER OF ARABPARTNERS.

THAT NUMBER?

IMAGINARY.

>> THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION ISSO FAR UNWILLING TO NAME THOSE

ARAB PARTNERS.

BUT AS ONE SENIOR STATEDEPARTMENT OFFICIAL PUT IT, I

DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH THEIMPRESSION THAT THESE ARAB

MEMBERS HAVEN'T OFFERED TO DOAIRSTRIKES, BECAUSE SEVERAL OF

THEM HAVE.

>> Stephen: THERE IT IS.

AN ANONYMOUS OFFICIAL IS TELLINGUS THAT OUR UNNAMED ARAB

PATTERNERS DEFINITELY MAYBEWON'T "NOT" CONTRIBUTE

SOMETHING! (LAUGHTER)

AND THAT QUOTE RAISE ASLOT OF QUESTIONS.

FIRST AND FOREMOST -- WHAT THEHELL IS GOING ON IN THAT CNN

GRAPHIC?

WE SEE A GLOBE, HIGHLIGHTING THEREGION IN QUESTION, SUDDENLY A

GENTLE BREEZE BLOWS A QUOTE ONTOTHE DESK OF WORLD AFFAIRS

THROUGH A GENTLE RAIN OF MAGICALNEWS DUST.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S CNN -- 24-HOUR COVERAGE

OF WHATEVER FLOATS BY.

AND THE REPORTING --

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

WE HAVE CONFIRMED THIS, THEREPORTING THERE IS DEAD-ON

BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS TEAM CANALSO CONFIRM THAT THE "BOSTON

GLOBE" NOW REPORTS THAT, WHILETRAVELING THROUGH EUROPE AND THE

MIDDLE EAST IN ORDER TO MOBILIZESUPPORT FOR THE OPERATION

AGAINST I.S.I.S., ANONYMOUSSTATE DEPARTMENT SOURCES, WHEN

PUSHED FOR SPECIFICS ON THEEXTENT OF ARAB NATION

INVOLVEMENT, BE IT AIR SUPPORT,GROUND SUPPORT, LOGISTICS OR

TECHNICAL SUPPORT, APPARENTLY,"DID NOT SAY WHICH ARAB NATIONS

HAD OFFERED TO CARRY OUTAIRSTRIKES."

(APPLAUSE)THE POINT IS,

-- THAT WAS LIKE 200 MAN-HOURSOF RENDERING.

(LAUGHTER)THE POINT IS, THE ADMINISTRATION

WON'T IDENTIFY OUR ARABPARTNERS.

BUT THEY SWEAR WE HAVE "TONS" OFTHEM OUT THERE.

AND THEY'RE WILLING TO DO ALLKINDS OF STUFF WITH US.

JUST LIKE THE OTHER MEMBER OFTHE COALITION, OUR HOT CANADIAN

GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S REAL.

SHE JUST CAN'T VISIT BECAUSESHE'S IN SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

BUT SHE'S GOING TO HELP US FIGHTI.S.I.S.

I SWEAR!

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

THANKS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANKS SO MUCH!

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I LOVE THEOLIVE GARDEN.

IT REALLY EVOKES THE AUTHENTICCUISINE OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE

SPOTS IN ITALY -- THE OLIVEGARDEN IN ROME.

(LAUGHTER)AND JUST LIKE THE SLOGAN SAYS,

WHEN I'M THERE, I'M FAMILY.

WHICH IS WHY, WHEN I'M THERE, IWATCH TV IN MY UNDERWEAR.

(LAUGHTER)UNFORTUNATELY, MY FAVORITE CHAIN

JUST GOT KICKED IN THEMEATBALLS.

>> A MAJOR INVESTOR ISATTEMPTING A TAKEOVER OF

OLIVE GARDEN RELEASING 300 PAGESTHAT SLAM THE RESTAURANT

CHAIN'S FOOD AND SERVICE.

>> THE INVESTMENT GROUP RIPPEDINTO THE COMPANY FOR EVERYTHING

FROM SOGGY SALADS TO TASTELESSPASTA.

>> IN WHAT WOULD BE A DANGEROUSINSULT TO HURL AT MOST ITALIAN

COOKS, IT CALLS THE PASTA MUSHYAND UNAPPEALING.

>> THEY MIGHT AS WELL SAY WE'RENOT EVEN ITALIAN.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, OLIVEGARDEN IS ITALIAN!

I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, THEIRCORPORATE HEADQUARTERS ARE IN

ORLANDO. THAT IS MEREMILES FROM EPCOT ITALY!

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, THE REPORT, THIS

REPORT THAT JUST GOT PUT OUTBY THESE INVESTORS IS ALL PART

OF THE HEDGE FUND "STARBOARDVALUES'" AGGRESSIVE ATTEMPT TO

TAKE CONTROL OF THE OLIVEGARDEN'S PARENT COMPANY,

DARDEN RESTAURANTS.

I MEAN, IT'S A HOSTILE-PITALIANOTAKEOVER!

(LAUGHTER)STARBOARD LAID OUT THEIR CASE IN

AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EATPOWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

SLIDE 164 ASKS THE QUESTION, HOWDOES THE LARGEST ITALIAN DINING

CONCEPT IN THE WORLD NOTSALT THE WATER FOR PASTA?

ADDING -- IF YOU WERE TO GOOGLE"HOW TO COOK PASTA," THE FIRST

STEP OF PASTA 101 IS TO SALT THEWATER.

FIRST OF ALL, I THINKIT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

NOBODY AT OLIVE GARDEN ISGOOGLING "HOW TO COOK PASTA."

AND MAYBE THEY DON'T SALT THEWATER, BUT THEY MAKE UP FOR THAT

BY PUTTING SALT IN EVERYTHINGELSE -- THE SAUCE, THE SALAD,

THE SOFT DRINKS, THE SALT.

BELIEVE ME, NO ONE HAS EVER LEFTTHE OLIVE GARDEN SAYING "I NEED

MORE SODIUM."

BUT HERE'S WHERE STARBOARD WENTOVERBOARD.

>> ONE HEDGE FUND SAYS IT HASTHE ANSWER TO THE RESTAURANT'S

MONEY WOES -- TOO MANYBREADSTICKS.

STARBOARD VALUE SAYS OLIVEGARDEN'S SERVERS BRING TOO MANY

BREADSTICKS TO THE TABLE AT ATIME.

>> WHO KNEW THERE WAS SUCH ATHING AS TOO MANY BREADSTICKS!

>> Stephen: WHAT THE (BLEEP)!

STARBOARD, STARBOARD WANTS TOLIMIT MY BREADSTICKS?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

EAT LIMITED BREAD IN NON-STICKFORM?

WHAT ARE WE?

ANIMALS?

FOLKS, I AM SHOCKED BY THISBLATANT ATTEMPT BY A FEW

WALL STREET BIGSHOTS TO TAKEAWAY OUR CARBOHYDRATE RODS.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT HEDGEFUND MANAGERS WERE ON THE SIDE

OF THE LITTLE GUY...

BUT I'M BEGINNING TO WONDERWHETHER WALL STREET REALLY HAS

EVERYONE'S BEST INTERESTS ATHEART.

(LAUGHTER)DESTROYING THE WORLD ECONOMY IS

ONE THING, BUT I DRAW THE LINEWHEN THEY COME FOR MY

COMPLIMENTARY DINNER RODS.

WALL STREET, DO YOU NOT REALIZETHAT YOU'RE MEDDLING WITH FORCES

BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION?

THE ONLY THING PREVENTING THEMASSES FROM RISING UP AGAINST

YOU WAS THAT THEY WERE ALL TOOLOGY FROM THE BREADSTICKS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NOW IT'S GO TIME,

MOTHER (BLEEP)! I SAY WE BRINGDOWN THE WALL STREET FAT CAT

PORTION-LIMIT-STAPO.

WHO'S WITH ME?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LET'S GET 'EM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S JUST SCRATCH THAT. I'M JUST GONNA,

I'M JUST GONNA UNBUTTON MY PANTSFOR A SECOND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUESTS TONIGHT AREA TWEEN METAL BAND WHO HAVE

OPENED FOR "GUNS ANDROSES" AND "MOTORHEAD."

OR AS THEY CALL THEM, "A BUNCHOF OLD MEN."

PLEASE WELCOME" UNLOCKING THETRUTH "!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANKS FOR BEING HERE, GUYS!

NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING ON!>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: OK, LET'S MAKE SUREI GOT THIS RIGHT.

IS IT MALCOM?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IS IT JARAD?>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: IS IT ALEC?>> YES.

>> Stephen: OK, THANK YOUSO MUCH.

OK, MALCOLM BRICKHOUSE,JARAD DAWKINS AND ALEC ATKINS.

YOUR BAND IS CALLED UNLOCKINGTHE TRUTH AND YOU GUYS ARE,

WHAT ARE YOUR AGES? GIVE ME THATRIGHT HERE. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

>> I'M 13.>> Stephen: 13?

>> 13.>> 12.

>> Stephen: 12? ALL RIGHT. YOUGUYS ARE OFFICIALLY THE YOUNGEST

GUESTS I'VE EVER HAD ON THECOLBERT REPORT.

YOU GUYS PLAY METAL...>> YES.

>> OK, AND YOU PLAY IT HARD.

WE'RE GONNA HEAR IT IN JUST AMINUTE IF YOU GUYS ARE WILLING

TO STICK AROUND AND PLAY FOR US.

HOW DID YOU GUYS GET DISCOVERED?

TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT HAPPENED.>> WOW.

>> WELL, ME AND JARAD STARTEDWHEN WE WERE 7, AND HE CAME IN,

LIKE, THREE YEARS AGO.

>> Stephen: SO YOU GUYS HAVEBEEN PLAYING TOGETHER

SINCE YOU WERE 7?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OK HOW DID YOUMEET ALEC?

>> WELL WE KNEW EACH OTHERFROM...

>> WELL, I WAS ALWAYS AROUND.

>> Stephen: OH YOU WEREALWAYS AROUND? ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND YOU GUYS WEREPLAYING IN TIMES SQUARE?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE MUSCLINGIN ON ELMO'S TERRITORY.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU GUYS WERE PLAYING THEREFOR HOW LONG?

>> WOW.>> TWO YEARS.

>> YEAH, A GOOD TWO YEARS.

>> Stephen: ABOUT TWO YEARS. ANDNOW YOU HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED.

SONY'S GIVEN YOU A$1.8 MILLION RECORDING CONTRACT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: SO, UM, HOW'S

EIGHTH GRADE?

GOOD?

IS IT GOOD?

>> YEAH. IT'S GOOD.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOURFAVORITE CLASS?

>> NOTHIN'.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

SO YOU GUYS HAVE GOT AN E.P.

COMING OUT LATER THIS FALL?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: AND IT'S CALLEDHIT ME?

>> "FREE AS YOU WANNA BE."

>> Stephen: "FREE AS YOU WNTTO BE."

HOW FREE DO YOU WANT TOBE?

>> LIKE A BIRD.

>> Stephen: OH, FREE AS A BIRD.

LET ME ASK YOU ONEOTHER THING.

WHY ARE YOU CALLED "UNLOCKINGTHE TRUTH"?

CAUSE I LOVE THE NAME.

CAUSE I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT.

I UNLOCK THE TRUTH EVERY NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHAT IS THE TRUTH YOU'RE

UNLOCKING?

WHY DID YOU GET THAT NAME?

>> I DON'T KNOW. IF I EXPLAINIT, IT'S GOING TO

TAKE A WHOLE DAY.I'D RATHER NOT.

>> Stephen: IS IT A SECRET?

>> IT'S BASICALLY, LIKE, WE'REUNLOCKING THE TRUTH ABOUT, LIKE,

LIFE AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOUWANT TO DO AND KIDS ARE ALWAYS,

LIKE, THEY THINK THAT THEY CAN'TDO ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY DO WHAT

OTHER PEOPLE TELL THEM TO DO BUTIF YOU LOOK PAST THAT AND JUST

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF THEN YOU CANACCOMPLISH ANYTHING YOU WANT TO

DO.

>> Stephen: MALCOLM.>> SO, UNLOCKING THE TRUTH.

>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S UNLOCKTHE TRUTH RIGHT NOW!

STICK AROUND!

MALCOLM BRICKHOUSE, JARADDAWKINS, ALEC ATKINS, THE E.P.

IS "FREE AS YOU WANNA BE."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH APERFORMANCE BY "UNLOCKING THE

TRUTH."