Tuesday, January 20, 2015

  • 01/20/2015

Jonah Ray, Ben Kronberg and Ali Wong learn about a badly behaved teen in Florida, list #RichPeopleProblems and come up with apologies that Fox News should issue.

>> Chris: LET'S START THE DAY'SPROGRAM.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES,IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

TEENS TODAY!

YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM, YOUCAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM, BECAUSE

SOMEDAY THEY TURN INTO ADULTSAND CONTINUE THE HUMAN RACE.

ACCORDING TO ACTION NEWSLEADERS WSBTV, A FLORIDA

TEENAGER RECENTLY RAN FOUL OFTHE LAW FOR WHAT?

A, RUNNING A DRUG RING OUT OFSUNGLASS HUT?

B, SELLING BOOT LEG COPIES OFHIS PARENT'S SEX TAPE ONLINE?

C, ILLEGALLY IMPERSONATING AGYNECOLOGIST.

BY THE WAY, THESE ALL HAPPENEDIN FLORIDA, BUT WE'RE JUST

FOCUSING ON ONE STORY.

JONAH, WHICH ONE?

>> B, BECASUE FLORIDA.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISACTUALLY C, IMPERSONATING A

GYNECOLOGIST.

LET'S UH, LET'S SEE HOW THATPLAYED OUT.

>> SECURITY OFFICIALS SAY THEYTHOUGHT THE TEEN WAS PART OF THE

MEDICAL TEAM AT THE FLORIDAHOSPITAL.

THE 17-YEAR-OLD WAS BUSTED WHILEWEARING A WHITE COAT AND

STETHASCOPE AROUND MY NECK.

>> Chris: DOCTOR I NEED YOUROPINION ON THIS.

WHAT DOES MY FINGER SMELL LIKE?

LIKE, THAT'S A CLUE THAT YOU'VEBEEN INFILTRATED.

AND LADIES -- SO TO SPEAK- -LADIES DON'T BE HOODWINKED BY

AN IMPOSTER GYNO.

BE SURE TO VISIT AN ACTUALMEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, LIKE THE

ONE WE SAW ON REDDIT TODAY, WHOIS A FOR-REAL GYNECOLOGIST.

WELCOEM TO DR. POON.

STILL, PRETTY IMPRESSIVE THATTHE 17-YEAR-OLD WAS ABLE TO PASS

AS A LADY PARTS DOCTOR FOR AWHOLE MONTH.

IT'S LIKE A REAL STORY OF SNATCHME IF YOU CAN.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS --

COMEDIANS, WHAT DID HE DO THATFINALLY GAVE HIM AWAY?

JONAH RAY.

>> DURING AN EXAMATION HE SAID,HOW ABOUT ONE IN THE STINK.

>> Chris:POINTS.

>> UGH. UGH. UHHH.

Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET ASECOND OPINION, BECAUSE MOST OF

MY DIAGNOSISES ARE CLIT OR MISS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

>> Chris: I THINK TONIGHT'SSTATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

PROBABLY WENT ABOUT AS WELL ASCOULD BE EXPECTED.

A ROOM FULL OF RICH PEOPLEDIDN'T NOT APPLAUD, HOWEVER,

PARTICULARLY HARD WHEN PRESIDENTOBAMA HAD THE CRAZY IDEA OF

RAISING TAXES ON THE RICH.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

>> Chris: I KNOW, RIGHT.

MY TOP HAT IS IN A TANGLE ASWELL.

AND TO THAT I SAY TO PRESIDENTOBAMA, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

I JUST -- I JUST STARTED MAKINGMONEY, PLEASE.

BE COOL, MAN.

I'VE GOT MY EYE ON A40,000-YEAR-OLD CAVE BEAR SKULL.

I NEED TO OUTBID NICOLAS CAGEFOR IT.

LOOK AT HIM. HE'S LIKE, TAKEIT EASY, BARRY.

TAKE IT EASY.

DON'T TAKE MY MONEY.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S A HEARST.

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL HER?

SORRY, BABY. WE GOTTA FLY ON THESIX-SEATER PRIVATE JET TO THE

BAHAMAS.

I KNOW THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESTEAM TRUNKS FULL OF SPATS AND

GOLD COINS.

YOU USE TO BE COOL, OBAMA.

BEFORE I HAD MONEY.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: SO, WITH THIS IN MIND,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#RichPeopleProblems.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE --

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: EXAMPLES OF RICHPEOPLE PROBLEM MIGHT BE, POOR

PEOPLE.

OR RUNNING OUT OF JET PACK FUEL.

OR POOR PEOPLE DON'T BURN HOTENOUGH TO MAKE MY JET PACK FLY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

JONAH RAY.

>> THE 99%.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> FUNDRAISER RASH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI.

>> NOT UNDERSTANDING YOURADOPTED CHILD'S HAIR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> PAPER TRAILS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> EVERY TIME YOU GO TO DINNERYOU HEAR, TWO FOR DINNER? GOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI.

>> TOO VACCINATE OR NOT TOVACCINATE.

>> Chris: POINTS. ALI.

>> MY FAVORITE SAFARI PARK ISNOW THE FRONT LINE OF SOME CIVIL

WAR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

JONAH.

>> NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY MONOPOLYWITH ME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: TIME TO PLAY AWKWARDALBUM COVERS.

HERE IT IS.

YOU SHOULD NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BYIT'S COVER.

BUT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY JUDGEA BAND BY THEIR ALBUM COVER.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME EXAMPLESOF LAUGHABLY BAD ALBUMS, AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME THE NAME OF THE FIRST SINGLE

OFF THE ALBUM.

OKAY, FIRST ONE: THIS SURE-FIREPANTY-DROPPER FROM BRAINSTORM.

YES, JONAH.

>> COCK'S IN THE CRADLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI.

>> TUCK IT IN, TUCK IT IN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DID THE WIDE-EYED GUY JUSTREALIZE WHAT HE'S DOING?

>> Chris: I THINK WHATEVER HEWAS ON BEFORE JUST WORE OFF.

WHAT!

ALRIGHT.

NEXT ONE --

THIS GRIZZLY BALLER.

HEY, BIG BEAR WHAT YOU DOING.

THANGS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

ALI.

>> BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE --

THIS CLASSIC FROM QUIMBARREIROS.

JONAH.

>> MY FAVORITE WAS SQUEEZE BOXFEATURING DEEZ NUTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I THINK IT'S DES NOTS.

BEN.

>> THE WORLD ACCORDION-ING TO MYDICK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE --

THIS HOOPS STAR.

COME ON.

THIS REMINDS ME, I THINK --DIDN'T THEY JUST OPEN A DUNKIN'

HONUTS, LIKE, RIGHT ACROSS TOWN?

LIKE, THE LINES ARE CRAZY .

>> ALL THEY SELL ARE BOSTONCREAMERS.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FOR JONAHRAY.

WHAT'S THE TRACK TO THIS ALBUM?

ALI.

>> INTRO TO WOMENS STUDIES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT GAME,CRINGE BENEFITS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN THEINTERNET TO YOUR GRANDMA,

THE INTERNET IS LIKE THE LIBRARYOF CONGRESS, BUT FOR ARCHIVING

MOMENTS OF PHYSICAL PAIN ANDPUBLIC HUMILIATION.

THIS NEXT SET OF FAILS FROM THECRINGE GIFS SUBREDDIT HIGHLIGHTS

THOSE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU"EH-JUST KINDA AH, FAH" WHEN YOU

WATCH IT.

SO I'M GONNA YOU THE FRIST FRAMOF A CRINGE GIF, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENSNEXT.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE --

THIS BACKYARD PYRO-TECHNICIAN.

[AUDIENCE MOANS]

>> Chris: OH. IT'S GOING TO BEGOOD WHATEVER IT IS.

DOES HE GET BLASTED IN THE FACEWITH A BOTTLE ROCKET, OR

INTENTIONALLY LIGHT HIS CROTCHON FIRE.

BEN.

>> CROTCH FIRE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

>> Chris: I THINK THE CROCKWORKS 'CAUSE THIS GUY IS A DICK

FACE.

NEXT ONE.

HOW DOES THIS VICTORIOUS COACHEXPERIENCE THE ECTASY OF

VICTORY?

DOES HE LEAP FOR JOY, TWIST HISANKLE AND FALL FLAT ON HIS ASS,

OR GET COMPLETELY BYPASSED BYHIS ENTIRE TEAM FOR A

CELEBRATORY HUG?

JONAH.

>> I WANT HIM TO BE BYPASSED BYHIS TEAM BECAUSE I NEED A GOOD

CRY TODAY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

[LAUGHING]

>> OH.

OH MY GOD.

>> Chris: JUST WALK IT OFF. JUSTWALK IT OFF.

I'M STILL GOOD.

I'M STILL GOOD.

IT'S OKAY.

>> Chris: I CAN ALWAYS GO HOMEAND SLAM DUNK SOME HOES.

>> THEIR VICTORY WAS THEY DIDN'THAVE TO TOUCH HIM.

>> Chris: LAST ONE THIS DOJONO-NO.

IS IT A FULL-FORCE BLINDSIDEDDICK KICK OR A INTER-GENDER

ROUNDHOUSE K.O.

>> INTER-GENDER ROUNDHOUSE K.O.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

[AUDIENCE MOANS]

>> Chris: WHO'S A YELLOW BELTNOW, MOTHER [BEEP]!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVEANYMORE KARATE KIDS.

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS TOBEN KRONBERG FOR THAT.

>> Chris: RIGHT IN THE MACHIOS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME FOX NEWS APOLOGIES,

FOX NEWS APOLOGIES.

>> Chris: IN KEEPING WITH THETHEME OF OUR HASHTAG RICH PEOPLE

PROBLEMS, FOX NEWS DID THEUNTHINKABLE LAST WEEKEND WHEN

IT APOLOGIZED FORGETTINGSOMETHING WRONG.

BUT WHAT?

BUT HOW?

BUT WHA?

FOX CLAIMED THAT CERTAINS ARESOF MAJOR EUROPEAN CITIES HAD

MUSLIM NO-GO ZONES, WHERESHARIA LAW WAS IN EFFECT.

THIS WAS, OF COURSE, TOTAL BULL[BEEP] AND FOX WAS FORCED TO

KICKINGLY AND SCREAMINGLY SAY ITWAS REAL SORRY.

GOOD ON, YOU ASSHOLES.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME AS MANY OTHER FOX NEWS

APOLOGIES AS YOU CAN.

EXAMPLES INCLUDE, SORRY FORSAYING OBAMA WAS FROM

KENYA.

J.K.

OR, SHOULDN'T OF CALLED FOR ARACE WAR, OUR BAD.

I'M GONNA -- YEAH. IT'S FOXNEWS, I DIDN'T DO IT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, JONAH RAY.

>> SORRY FOR CALLING OURSELVES ANEWS ORGANIZATION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

BEN.

>> SORRY FOR ENABLING ALL THERACISTS AND BIGOTS IN YOUR LIFE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI .

>> OH, SNAP THE EARTH IS ROUND,OUR BAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEN.

>> SORRY IT'S ACTUALLY SPELLEDF-A-U-X.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> WE'RE SORRY FOR ALL PEOPLETHAT USED TO THINK DENNIS MILLER

WAS FUNNY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

ALI.

>> SORRY WE'RE NOT SORRY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.