Jack Mayberry & Steve Oedekerk

  • Season 1, Ep 0142
  • 02/24/1992

"SO YOU SAY YOU WANTTO BUY A MERCEDES

"BUT YOU DON'T WANTTO PUT OUT THE CASH?

WIN, WIN, LEASE."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW THAT'S SALLY KELLERMANWHO DOES THAT AD?

ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT--THAT SALLY KELLERMAN

DOES OVER 90%OF ALL VOICE-OVERS IN AMERICA?

AND THEY'RE ALL BRILLIANTAND SCARY.

IT'S LIKE A MANTRA TO ME.

"WIN, WIN, LEASE."

SO YOU KNOW... THE WHOLEPOLICEMAN SITUATION IN L.A.

ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT THEREWAS A COP UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW

IN THE SANTA MONICA POLICE FORCEWHO'S VERY CUTE, SO...

I EXCLUDE HIMFROM THIS CONVERSATION.

AND HE WAS NICE AND WARMAND SO WAS HIS GUN.

( laughter and hooting )

NO, BUT YOU KNOW, THE COPS ARESO CRUEL IN L.A.

AS WE ALL KNOW.

THEY BEAT PEOPLE, THEY HURTPEOPLE, THEY ABUSE PEOPLE

AND OF COURSETHEY'RE VERY HOMOPHOBIC.

THEY HATE FAGS

OF COURSE BECAUSEMOST OF THEM ARE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,FAGS LOVE A GOOD UNIFORM.

BUT YOU KNOW,LET'S GET OFF OF THE COPS' BACK

AND LET'S GETINTO SOMETHING POSITIVE

AND SOMETHINGWE NEVER TALK ABOUT.

Man:THAT ARROW.

NO, LET ME COMPLETEMY STATEMENT...

YOU LITTLE PUTZ.

NO, I WANT TO TALKABOUT THE FIREMEN IN THIS TOWN.

I THINK THEY ARE SO SEXY.

( applause and cheering )

THEY REALLY ARE.

NO...

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN GUYSCRUISE AND COME ON TO ME

AND ARE FLIRTING IN THATREALLY GROSS WAY THAT MEN DO

BUT WHEN THEY PULL UPIN THEIR TRUCK

THEY'RE ALWAYSSO POLITE AND SWEET

AND THEY ALL HAVE MUSTACHESAND THEY'RE ALL BUFF.

NO, THEY'RE NOT ALL MARRIED.

AND THEY JUST CAME FROM A FIRE

AND THEY'RE ALL SAD AND FORLORN

AND THEY KIND OF WINK AT YOUAND SMILE.

AND THEY'RE GREAT COOKS.

I THINK THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

IF I COULD GET INVOLVED WITHANYBODY, IT'D BE A FIREMAN.

I JUST THINK THEY'RE HOT--NO PUN INTENDED.

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU!

MAN, I'VE BEENIN A STUPID MOOD ALL DAY.

YOU EVER GET LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOWIF IT'S YOU OR...

THE WHOLE THINGIS JUST REALLY...

DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO MISS THAT.

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU FOLKS.

ONE OF THESE ARMSIS COMPLETELY FAKE.

YOU BE THE JUDGE.

IS IT THIS ARMOR IS IT THIS ONE?

TAKE YOUR TIME.

( laughter )

( chuckling )

THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS IN HERE.

THE PLACES TO MEET WOMEN NOWARE DISCOS, DANCE PLACES.

BIG JOKE WITH THE LOUD MUSIC.

IF YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN,GET ONE OF THESE.

GO IN THESE PLACESAND DO THIS, FOR EXAMPLE.

( disco music starts )

( music playing )

( music playing )

( disco music playing )

( laughter )

( music playing )

( laughter )

( music playing )

( laughter )

( cheering, applause )

WELL, THAT'S ALL I DO.

THANK YOU.

( scattered laughter )

( laughter )

THE ONLY TIME IN YOUR LIFE

YOU CAN WALK AROUND LIKE THIS

AND NOT LOOK LIKE A JERK

IS WHEN YOU'RE IN A POOL.

( laughter )

POP A WHEELIE.

POP A WHEELIE.

VERY DISCONCERTING, ISN'T IT?

I'M TELLING YOU THIS, USE THIS.

"POP A WHEELIE"IS NOT JUST A JOKE.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOU COULD BE

AT THE MOST IMPORTANTMEETING OF THE YEAR AT WORK.

NOBODY EVERY PAYSANY ATTENTION TO YOU.

THEY'RE NOT THAT INTERESTEDIN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY

AND ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS GO,"POP A WHEELIE"

AND YOU'RE THE CENTEROF ATTENTION, MAN.

THAT IS POWER.

AND IT WORKS BECAUSE PEOPLETHINK THEY HEARD YOU WRONG.

NOBODY THINKS YOU'D SAY"POP A WHEELIE."

IT WORKS WITH OTHER STUFF.

"WHERE'S BOZO?" IS GREAT

BECAUSE YOU CAN ASK SOMEBODY"WHERE'S BOZO?"

AND THEY WILL SAY"WHAT?" EVERY TIME.

NO MATTER HOW CLEARLY YOU SAY IT

THEY WILL NEVER SAY,"I DON'T KNOW WHERE BOZO IS.

I HAVE NOT SEEN BOZO LATELY."

THE BOTTOM LINE IS YOU GET OLDER

YOU STOP SAYING USEFUL STUFF.

THIS IS A FACT.

CASE IN POINT IS "DUH."

DUH?

YOU GET OLDER,YOU THINK IT'S IMMATURE.

BUT A LOT OF ADULTSSTILL NEED THAT.

SAY YOU'RE AT THE BANK.

"WILL YOU BE DEPOSITING THATINTO YOUR ACCOUNT?"

( laughter )

DUH.

IT'S MUCH BETTER IF YOU LET ITGET RIPE LIKE THAT.

JUST KIND OF...

DUH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN WASHYOUR CAR ANYMORE

WITHOUT HAVINGSOME NEIGHBOR RUN OUT.

"WASHING YOUR CAR, HUH?"

DOY.

MAKE ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE LOST"MAKE ME."

IN A BUSINESS SITUATION,"MAKE ME" IS GOLD.

JOHNSON, HAVE THAT PAPERON MY DESK BY 3:00.

MAKE ME.

( laughter )

LOVE DOING THAT.

YOU SHOULD ALL DO THAT.

JUST SHOW UP AT WORK AND GO...

( laughter )

GET SOME RESPECT,I TELL YOU THAT.

THIS IS REALLY STUPID.

I'M TELLING YOU THAT NOWSO YOU WON'T FIND ME LATER

AND GO, "HEY,THAT WAS REALLY STUPID."

I KNOW IT IS,BUT I'M VERY PROUD OF THIS.

I THOUGHT IT UP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THISIS THE AMAZING BALLOON THING.

I NEED A DRUM ROLLON THE TABLE FROM SOMEBODY.

THE AMAZING... BALLOON...

( drum roll on table )

THING.

( laughter and applause )

OH, YEAH.

SURE.

AND PLEASE DO NOTTRY THAT AT HOME

BECAUSE YOU COULDCRUSH YOUR HEAD.

ALL RIGHT, SO...

I LIKE PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES!

GET A SMALL TAPE RECORDERMUCH LIKE THIS ONE.

GO TO ANY PUBLIC PLACE,SLIP IT INTO A BLANKET

THEN JUST TURN IT ON LIKE AT THE MALL OR SOMETHING.

( fake baby talk )

( baby crying )

( screaming )

( crying stops )

( baby talk )

YEAH, IT'S FUN, BUT IF YOU WANTTO BLOW PEOPLE OUT, DO THIS.

HI... OKAY.

NOW, SAY HELLO TO THE NICE LADY.

Man's voice:Hello, nice lady.

NOW PLAY THE TRUMPET.

( trumpet playing "First Call" )

THIS IS FUN--

GO INTO A 7-11ANY PART OF THE DAY

AND JUST GO, "YEAH,DO YOU SELL DIAPERS HERE?"

I REALLY NEED THESE BADLY.

OKAY, BEST ONE!

BABIES CONSTANTLY CRY IN CHURCH.

GET A LITTLE REVENGE IN MASS.

WAIT UNTIL IT'S REAL QUIETAND DO THIS.

( cute baby talk )

( imitating screeching cars )

( applause )

HEY, THANKS A LOT, FOLKS!

APPRECIATE IT.

THANKS.