Jack Mayberry & Steve Oedekerk

  • Season 1, Ep 0142
  • 02/24/1992

"SO YOU SAY YOU WANTTO BUY A MERCEDES

"BUT YOU DON'T WANTTO PUT OUT THE CASH?

WIN, WIN, LEASE."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW THAT'S SALLY KELLERMANWHO DOES THAT AD?

ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT--THAT SALLY KELLERMAN

DOES OVER 90%OF ALL VOICE-OVERS IN AMERICA?

AND THEY'RE ALL BRILLIANTAND SCARY.

IT'S LIKE A MANTRA TO ME.

"WIN, WIN, LEASE."

SO YOU KNOW... THE WHOLEPOLICEMAN SITUATION IN L.A.

ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT THEREWAS A COP UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW

IN THE SANTA MONICA POLICE FORCEWHO'S VERY CUTE, SO...

I EXCLUDE HIMFROM THIS CONVERSATION.

AND HE WAS NICE AND WARMAND SO WAS HIS GUN.

( laughter and hooting )

NO, BUT YOU KNOW, THE COPS ARESO CRUEL IN L.A.

AS WE ALL KNOW.

THEY BEAT PEOPLE, THEY HURTPEOPLE, THEY ABUSE PEOPLE

AND OF COURSETHEY'RE VERY HOMOPHOBIC.

THEY HATE FAGS

OF COURSE BECAUSEMOST OF THEM ARE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,FAGS LOVE A GOOD UNIFORM.

BUT YOU KNOW,LET'S GET OFF OF THE COPS' BACK

AND LET'S GETINTO SOMETHING POSITIVE

AND SOMETHINGWE NEVER TALK ABOUT.

Man:THAT ARROW.

NO, LET ME COMPLETEMY STATEMENT...

YOU LITTLE PUTZ.

NO, I WANT TO TALKABOUT THE FIREMEN IN THIS TOWN.

I THINK THEY ARE SO SEXY.

( applause and cheering )

THEY REALLY ARE.

NO...

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN GUYSCRUISE AND COME ON TO ME

AND ARE FLIRTING IN THATREALLY GROSS WAY THAT MEN DO

BUT WHEN THEY PULL UPIN THEIR TRUCK

THEY'RE ALWAYSSO POLITE AND SWEET

AND THEY ALL HAVE MUSTACHESAND THEY'RE ALL BUFF.

NO, THEY'RE NOT ALL MARRIED.

AND THEY JUST CAME FROM A FIRE

AND THEY'RE ALL SAD AND FORLORN

AND THEY KIND OF WINK AT YOUAND SMILE.

AND THEY'RE GREAT COOKS.

I THINK THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

IF I COULD GET INVOLVED WITHANYBODY, IT'D BE A FIREMAN.

I JUST THINK THEY'RE HOT--NO PUN INTENDED.

LARGE.

ENORMOUS.

HUGE.

GARGANTUAN.

IMMENSE.

OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"SURE, HE TALKS BIG."

( laughter )

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

Woman:GOOD!

GOOD, GOOD, YOU LOOK GOOD.

DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

MY NAME IS JACK MAYBERRY

AND I USED TO WRITEFOR MARY TYLER MOORE

BUT THEY NEVER WOULDSEND HER TO ME

SO I PRETTY MUCH DITCHEDTHAT IDEA

AND I GOT INTO STAND-UP COMEDY.

I DON'T WANT A REAL JOB.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK, ANDI DON'T THINK I COULD COME UP

WITH THREE PERSONALREFERENCES ANYHOW.

BESIDES THAT, GETTING UPBEFORE 8:00

IS HIGHLY OVERRATED IN MY BOOK,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

REMEMBER, IT'S THE EARLY WORMTHAT GETS EATEN BY THE BIRD.

I LOVE COMING OUTTO LOS ANGELES.

BEAUTIFUL WEATHER, ISN'T IT?

AH, SUMMERIN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

IT ALWAYS KIND OF REMINDS ME OFWINTER IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

KIND OF REMINDS ME OF FALLIN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

INTERESTING STATE--I LIKE IT HERE.

THE EARTHQUAKESHAKED ME UP A LITTLE BIT.

( scattered laughter )

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LAUGH.

I WAS JUST PAUSING TO GETMY THOUGHTS TOGETHER, ACTUALLY.

THEY HAPPEN AT NIGHT.

I MOVED OUT HERE, I WAS ALLPREPARED FOR THE EARTHQUAKE--

FOR THE DAYTIME.

I WOKE UP IN THE NIGHT.

I FORGOTALL THE SAFETY PROCEDURES.

FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS,"I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."

NEXT THING I THOUGHT WAS,"I'M NAKED--

"BUT IF THIS IS THE BIG ONE,I'D RATHER BE OUTSIDE NAKED

THAN UNDERNEATHALL THIS RUBBLE NAKED."

AND THE NEXT THING I THOUGHTWAS, "IF THIS ISN'T THE BIG ONE

I'M JUST GOINGTO BE OUTSIDE NAKED."

( laughter )

SO I PUT ON MY SOCKSAND WENT BACK TO BED.

( laughter )

I FIGURED IF ANYTHING

THOSE SEARCH DOGSCOULD FIND THOSE SOCKS, BOY.

( scattered laughter )

ANOTHER LITTLE PAUSEFOR ME TO REGROUP.

WE HAD AN EARTHQUAKEAND I WAS DRIVING.

THEY SAY IF YOU'RE DRIVINGAND THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE

IT'S LIKE HAVING A FLAT

BUT WE DIDN'THAVE AN EARTHQUAKE.

I JUST HAD A FLAT THE OTHER DAY.

( scattered laughter )

I FIGURE IT'S ABOUT A 5.6 FLATTHAT I HAD THE OTHER DAY.

HAD A RENTAL CAR.

I LIKE THAT RENTAL CAR CONCEPT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE GRANDKIDS.

YOU JUST ABUSE THEMAND TURN THEM BACK IN.

I LIKE THAT CONCEPT.

HAD A RENTAL CAR ONE TIME,HAD A SIGN ON THE DASHBOARD

SAID IT'D COST ME $5.00

FOR EVERY HOLE I BURN IN THECARPET UNDERNEATH THE ASHTRAY.

AND I THOUGHT, "FIVE BUCKS,THAT'S HARDLY ANYTHING.

I MIGHT JUST BURN MEA HOLE IN THAT CARPET."

AND IT DIDN'T SAY HOW BIG A HOLEI COULD BURN IN THAT CARPET.

I MIGHT JUST BURN MESEVERAL LITTLE $5.00 HOLES

AND JUST KIND OF TIE THEMINTO ONE BIG $5.00 HOLE.

( laughter )

WHAT I OUGHT TO DO ISJUST GET A GUY WITH A TORCH

TO CUT A HOLEOUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE CAR

TAKE IT BACK AND GO,"DROPPED MY CIGARETTE.

THERE'S YOUR FIVE BUCKS."

LIKE THEY NEVER GOTTHAT DAMN THING PUT OUT.

BUT I'M DECIDINGTO QUIT SMOKING ANYHOW.

DON'T SMOKE, DON'T DO DRUGS,DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

AND DON'T READ PORNOGRAPHY.

JUST SIT THEREAND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WE'LL GET ALONGFINE HERE TONIGHT.

DO YOU SMOKE?

IN THIS STATE, IT'S HARDTO SMOKE-- YOU'RE SCUM.

IN RESTAURANTS, THEY GOT YOUOVER IN THE DARK, DANK SECTION

OVER THERE WITH THE LEPERS ANDOTHER UNDESIRABLE INDIVIDUALS.

I JUST SMOKE,I DON'T MOLEST PEOPLE, MAN.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

THEY THREW USOFF OF THE AIRPLANES.

HOPE YOU NONSMOKERSKNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU LOCK YOURSELFON A FIVE-HOUR FLIGHT

WITH A BUNCH OF USUNDERGOING WITHDRAWAL

AND THERE WILL BEA LOT OF PUSHING AND SHOVING

AT THE BAGGAGE CLAIM.

WHAT'S NEXT WITH US SMOKERS?

HAVE US OUT AT THE 200-MILEOFFSHORE MARKERS OUT THERE

TREADING WATERAND SMOKING CIGARETTES...?

WHICH WE CAN DOIF WE HAVE TO, BY GOD.

( laughter )

I'VE GOT TO STARTSMOKING JUNK BONDS AS IT IS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUTYOU ALL'S FINANCIAL SITUATION

BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO TIME IT

SO I GO BROKEBEFORE MY BANK DOES.

DEFICIT'S $4 TRILLION.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT $4 TRILLION IS.

DOESN'T EVEN REALLY BOTHER ME.

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, PAY THAT--WRITE THOSE PEOPLE A CHECK.

"GET THAT TAKEN CARE OF.

BETTER YET,JUST PUT THAT ON OUR TAB."

$4 TRILLION, THAT'S A LOT.

YOU COULD PROBABLY BUY A HOUSEIN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

WITH $4 TRILLION.

( scattered applause )

NOT A BIG HOUSE.

I DON'T MEAN YOU COULDN'T BUYA BIG HOUSE.

A LITTLE SOMETHINGRIGHT ON THE FAULT LINE.

FINANCES ARE A BIT WEIRD.

YOU MOVE OUT HERE TO DO COMEDY

IT'S KIND OF TOUGHDOING FINANCES.

I GOT IN TROUBLEWITH AMERICAN EXPRESS.

THEY TOLD ME TO STARTLEAVING HOME WITHOUT IT.

THEY HAVE THESE PEOPLETHAT MAKE $3.40 AN HOUR

TO BE RUDE TO YOUON THE TELEPHONE

AND THEY'RE REAL GOOD AT IT

AND THEY ENJOY THEIR WORKQUITE A BIT.

THIS LADY CALLED ME UP AND SAID:

"PERHAPS YOU'VE OVERLOOKEDTHE FACT THAT YOU OWE US MONEY."

AND I'M THINKING, "PERHAPSYOU'VE OVERLOOKED THE FACT

"THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY...

OR I WOULDN'T BE USINGYOUR DAMN CREDIT CARD, WOULD I?"

( laughter )

( applause )

ONE LADY CALLED ME UP AND SAID

"WE WERE WORRIEDYOU WEREN'T GOING TO PAY US."

AND I THOUGHT,"IF YOU'RE WORRIED

"THERE'S NO SENSE BOTHERINGMYSELF WITH IT, IS THERE?

"BECAUSE I KNOW DAMN WELLI'M NOT GOING TO PAY YOU.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, STUPID."

BUT THINGS ARE GOING BETTER NOW

OUT HERE IN BEAUTIFULSOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

I'M ORIGINALLYFROM TEXAS MYSELF.

NOTICE THE ACCENT?

CAUGHT MYSELF USING"GUSSIED UP" THE OTHER NIGHT.

DIDN'T KNOW I HAD THAT WORDIN MY VOCABULARY.

JUST TALKING TO SOMEBODY

AND "GUSSIED UP"CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHINGHORRIBLE HAPPENED TO THEM

DOESN'T IT?

LIKE THE SHERIFF WOULD BE GOING

"YEAH, WE FOUND HIM IN A DITCH

BUT HE'D BEEN GUSSIED UPBY THE TIME WE GOT TO HIM."

I WAS TALKING TO MY DADTHE OTHER DAY

AND MY DAD TALKS TEXAN LANGUAGE.

MY DAD DOESN'TWEAR HIS SEAT BELT.

WANTS TO BE THROWN CLEARIS WHAT HE TOLD ME.

( laughter )

I SAID, "HEY, GREAT.

"WHY DON'T YOU SITON THE HOOD THEN?

SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE OF GOINGTHROUGH THAT WINDSHIELD THERE."

( laughter )

I WON'T TELL YOUWHAT HE SAID HE THOUGHT.

HALF THE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRYDON'T WEAR THEIR SEAT BELTS...

IN THEIR CAR.

YOU PUT THEM ON AN AIRPLANE

WHERE IT WOULDN'T DO ANY GOODAND 100% OF THEM WEAR THEM.

THAT'S BECAUSE NOBODYWANTS TO BE THROWN CLEAR.

AT 600 MILES AN HOUR.

I LIKE DRIVING, TOO.

I WAS DRIVING AROUNDWITH MY GRANDDAD.

MY GRANDDAD, HE'S LIVEDIN LUBBOCK, TEXAS, SO LONG

HE KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHINGDIDN'T USED TO BE.

EVER DRIVE AROUNDWITH AN OLD PERSON

KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHINGDIDN'T USED TO BE?

FROM THE MINUTE WE GETIN THE CAR, HE SAYS

"WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE, THEREWASN'T ANYTHING OUT THERE."

( mumbling )

"WASN'T A DAMN THING OUT THEREWHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE."

( laughter and applause )

( mumbling )

"I WASN'T EVEN HERE.

THERE WASN'T NO ONE HERE."

I'M OVER THERE THINKING,"GET OUT OF THE CAR.

WE'RE STILL IN THE DRIVEWAY."

( laughter )

HE'S JUST REMEMBERING THINGS,YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET TO BE OLD,YOUR JOB IS TO REMEMBER.

MY GRANDDAD'S IMPRESSEDWITH WHAT HE REMEMBERS, TOO.

HE SAYS, "IF I WAS 18 AND KNEWWHAT I KNEW NOW..."

YOU'D BE IN JAIL,IS WHAT YOU'D BE, PAL.

YES, POLITICS--POLITICS ARE HIS FORTE.

HE'S GOT EVERYTHING IN POLITICSBOILED DOWN TO ONE THING.

"JUST PUT THEM IN ONE PLACEAND BLOW THEM THE HELL UP."

MY GRANDDAD TOLD MEHE'D GO TO WAR.

I SAID, THERE'S A GREAT IDEA--SEND YOU OLD GUYS TO WAR.

TAKE EONS WITH YOU GUYS.

"OH, I'M TIRED-- LET'S RESTFOR AWHILE, YOU KNOW."

I CAN SEE MY GRANDDADSOMEWHERE IN A FOXHOLE GOING

"HEY, WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,THERE WASN'T ANY OF THIS HERE."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( cheering, whistling )

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU!

MAN, I'VE BEENIN A STUPID MOOD ALL DAY.

YOU EVER GET LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOWIF IT'S YOU OR...

THE WHOLE THINGIS JUST REALLY...

DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO MISS THAT.

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU FOLKS.

ONE OF THESE ARMSIS COMPLETELY FAKE.

YOU BE THE JUDGE.

IS IT THIS ARMOR IS IT THIS ONE?

TAKE YOUR TIME.

( laughter )

( chuckling )

THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS IN HERE.

THE PLACES TO MEET WOMEN NOWARE DISCOS, DANCE PLACES.

BIG JOKE WITH THE LOUD MUSIC.

IF YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN,GET ONE OF THESE.

GO IN THESE PLACESAND DO THIS, FOR EXAMPLE.

( disco music starts )

( music playing )

( music playing )

( disco music playing )

( laughter )

( music playing )

( laughter )

( music playing )

( laughter )

( cheering, applause )

WELL, THAT'S ALL I DO.

THANK YOU.

( scattered laughter )

( laughter )

THE ONLY TIME IN YOUR LIFE

YOU CAN WALK AROUND LIKE THIS

AND NOT LOOK LIKE A JERK

IS WHEN YOU'RE IN A POOL.

( laughter )

POP A WHEELIE.

POP A WHEELIE.

VERY DISCONCERTING, ISN'T IT?

I'M TELLING YOU THIS, USE THIS.

"POP A WHEELIE"IS NOT JUST A JOKE.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOU COULD BE

AT THE MOST IMPORTANTMEETING OF THE YEAR AT WORK.

NOBODY EVERY PAYSANY ATTENTION TO YOU.

THEY'RE NOT THAT INTERESTEDIN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY

AND ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS GO,"POP A WHEELIE"

AND YOU'RE THE CENTEROF ATTENTION, MAN.

THAT IS POWER.

AND IT WORKS BECAUSE PEOPLETHINK THEY HEARD YOU WRONG.

NOBODY THINKS YOU'D SAY"POP A WHEELIE."

IT WORKS WITH OTHER STUFF.

"WHERE'S BOZO?" IS GREAT

BECAUSE YOU CAN ASK SOMEBODY"WHERE'S BOZO?"

AND THEY WILL SAY"WHAT?" EVERY TIME.

NO MATTER HOW CLEARLY YOU SAY IT

THEY WILL NEVER SAY,"I DON'T KNOW WHERE BOZO IS.

I HAVE NOT SEEN BOZO LATELY."

THE BOTTOM LINE IS YOU GET OLDER

YOU STOP SAYING USEFUL STUFF.

THIS IS A FACT.

CASE IN POINT IS "DUH."

DUH?

YOU GET OLDER,YOU THINK IT'S IMMATURE.

BUT A LOT OF ADULTSSTILL NEED THAT.

SAY YOU'RE AT THE BANK.

"WILL YOU BE DEPOSITING THATINTO YOUR ACCOUNT?"

( laughter )

DUH.

IT'S MUCH BETTER IF YOU LET ITGET RIPE LIKE THAT.

JUST KIND OF...

DUH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN WASHYOUR CAR ANYMORE

WITHOUT HAVINGSOME NEIGHBOR RUN OUT.

"WASHING YOUR CAR, HUH?"

DOY.

MAKE ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE LOST"MAKE ME."

IN A BUSINESS SITUATION,"MAKE ME" IS GOLD.

JOHNSON, HAVE THAT PAPERON MY DESK BY 3:00.

MAKE ME.

( laughter )

LOVE DOING THAT.

YOU SHOULD ALL DO THAT.

JUST SHOW UP AT WORK AND GO...

( laughter )

GET SOME RESPECT,I TELL YOU THAT.

THIS IS REALLY STUPID.

I'M TELLING YOU THAT NOWSO YOU WON'T FIND ME LATER

AND GO, "HEY,THAT WAS REALLY STUPID."

I KNOW IT IS,BUT I'M VERY PROUD OF THIS.

I THOUGHT IT UP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THISIS THE AMAZING BALLOON THING.

I NEED A DRUM ROLLON THE TABLE FROM SOMEBODY.

THE AMAZING... BALLOON...

( drum roll on table )

THING.

( laughter and applause )

OH, YEAH.

SURE.

AND PLEASE DO NOTTRY THAT AT HOME

BECAUSE YOU COULDCRUSH YOUR HEAD.

ALL RIGHT, SO...

I LIKE PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES!

GET A SMALL TAPE RECORDERMUCH LIKE THIS ONE.

GO TO ANY PUBLIC PLACE,SLIP IT INTO A BLANKET

THEN JUST TURN IT ON LIKE AT THE MALL OR SOMETHING.

( fake baby talk )

( baby crying )

( screaming )

( crying stops )

( baby talk )

YEAH, IT'S FUN, BUT IF YOU WANTTO BLOW PEOPLE OUT, DO THIS.

HI... OKAY.

NOW, SAY HELLO TO THE NICE LADY.

Man's voice:Hello, nice lady.

NOW PLAY THE TRUMPET.

( trumpet playing "First Call" )

THIS IS FUN--

GO INTO A 7-11ANY PART OF THE DAY

AND JUST GO, "YEAH,DO YOU SELL DIAPERS HERE?"

I REALLY NEED THESE BADLY.

OKAY, BEST ONE!

BABIES CONSTANTLY CRY IN CHURCH.

GET A LITTLE REVENGE IN MASS.

WAIT UNTIL IT'S REAL QUIETAND DO THIS.

( cute baby talk )

( imitating screeching cars )

( applause )

HEY, THANKS A LOT, FOLKS!

APPRECIATE IT.

THANKS.

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