Robert Schimmel & Jon Ross

  • Season 1, Ep 0103
  • 02/24/1992

I FEEL LIKESERGEANT PEPPER'S CANTOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

THEY MADE ME WEAR IT.

ANYWAY, I'M JUST, AH...

I HAVE WOMEN PROBLEMS, AH...

I'VE DISCUSSED THISFOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

I GUESS IT'S NEVER GOINGTO GO AWAY.

IT'S SEXUAL; HERE'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODYWHO YOU LOVE

THEY SHOULD WANT YOU IN BED,THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE ONCE IT GOES SOUTHIN BED, FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN BEDWITH SOMEBODY WHO SAYS LIKE

YOU KNOW,"I'LL RACE YOU TO SLEEP."

YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

I KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT ME.

I MEAN, DURING FOREPLAYSHE HAD REPELLENT ON

AND SHE WORE A RUBIK'S BRA.

AND TURTLENECK LINGERIE.

I SAID, "DON'T YOU WANTTO HAVE AN ORGASM?"

"NO, NO, NO, I'LL SAVE ITFOR A RAINY DAY."

COME ON.

"DON'T YOU WANT TOMAKE LOVE AT LEAST?"

"NO, NO, I'LL HAVE INTERCOURSE

IF I CAN COMBINE ITWITH LEARNING A TRADE."

IT'S A RECESSION,AND I UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT WHEN YOU MAKE LOVEAND YOU'RE HUGGING

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR LOVERTO SAY, "GET OUT OF MY FACE."

BUT FINALLYWE REACHED A COMPROMISE.

SHE SAID, "WE CAN SLEEP TOGETHER

IF WE SLEEP PERPENDICULAR."

WHICH IS HARD, YOU KNOW,SO RATHER THAN CUDDLE

WE SLEPT IN LIKETHE KNIFE AND FORK POSITION

WHICH I FELT WAS BAD.

IT'S BAD, I MEAN,I REALLY LOVED HER.

SHE BROKE MY HEARTA LITTLE BIT.

LIKE WE'RE GETTING UNDRESSED ANDSHE SAYS, "STATE YOUR BUSINESS."

I'M SORRY, THAT'S IT.

AND THEN DURING FOREPLAYSHE SAYS

"OKAY! OKAY!I GET THE POINT, COME ON."

AND THEN AFTER I FELTI WAS PRETTY GOOD

YOU KNOW, BEFORE WEACTUALLY DID THE ACT

AND SHE SAYS,"WHAT'S NEXT, WISEGUY?"

THAT TO ME... THAT'S BAD.

AND THEN WHILE WE'REMAKING LOVE SHE SAYS

"ONE MISSISSIPPI,TWO MISSISSIPPI."

SO I SAID TO HER, I SAID,"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT..."

I WAS LIKE DE NIRO-- "DID YOUOR DID YOU NOT HAVE AN ORGASM?

I'M ASKING YOU,DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?"

THAT WAS NOT A GOODDE NIRO IMPRESSION

BUT DOWN IN MY LIVERIT FELT LIKE DE NIRO.

BUT I KNEW SHE WASN'T INTO...

I SAID, "DID YOUHAVE AN ORGASM OR NOT?

SHE SAYS, "I'M THINKING."

SO FORGET ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON TO...

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ONTO THE SHOW, TO THE A LIST

AND I'M NOT KNOCKING PSYCHOSIS

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT KNOCKINGPEOPLE THAT HAVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT.

BUT HEY, SCHIMMEL'S CRAZY,I'M CRAZY.

WE BOTH DISCUSSED BACKSTAGEIT'S IMPORTANT TO BE LOVED.

YOU KNOW THAT, DIDN'T WE TALKABOUT THAT ABOUT A MINUTE AGO?

DIDN'T YOU MOCK ME IN FRONTOF MY RABBI BACK THERE?

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, AH,I WAS DISCUSSING ABOUT MY EX

AND AGAIN, I PRAY THATYOU HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE.

PARDON YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED? OH, I'M SORRY.

PEOPLE ARE BELCHING.

THERE'S A WHOLE BELCH FLUGOING AROUND NOW.

I JUST REALLY PRAY YOU--ALTHOUGH I'M NOT THAT RELIGIOUS.

I WENT TO A REFORM TEMPLE.

THE BIGGEST SERMON WE HADWAS "WHAT'S NEW IN POUND CAKE"

SO IT WASN'T REALLY THAT MAJOR.

BUT MY EX WAS CAUGHT UPIN THIS J.F.K. FRENZY NOW

AND SHE ACTUALLY DENIED THATI WAS EVEN INVOLVED SEXUALLY.

SHE SAID, YOU KNOW, SHE CITEDTHIS "ONE PENIS THEORY"

WAS NOT TRUE,THAT I WASN'T EVEN THERE

THAT THERE WERE LIKE THREEOTHER PEOPLE AROUND THE ROOM

AND THAT WASN'T ME,WHICH I FELT WAS UNFAIR.

BUT I DON'T KNOW,YOU GOT TO BE LOVED.

AND OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS HOSTILE.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE AN ORGASMAND SAY TO YOUR LOVER

"TAKE THAT!"

AND THEN AFTER WE MADE LOVESHE SAYS, "AM I EXCUSED NOW?"

YOU KNOW, COME ON.

BUT I'LL BE FINE.

I'M GOING TO THIS, IN SANTA FE,YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY HIP THERE.

I'M GOING TO A PENIS AWARENESSCLINIC THEY HAVE.