Robert Schimmel & Jon Ross

  • Season 1, Ep 0103
  • 02/24/1992

I FEEL LIKESERGEANT PEPPER'S CANTOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

THEY MADE ME WEAR IT.

ANYWAY, I'M JUST, AH...

I HAVE WOMEN PROBLEMS, AH...

I'VE DISCUSSED THISFOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

I GUESS IT'S NEVER GOINGTO GO AWAY.

IT'S SEXUAL; HERE'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODYWHO YOU LOVE

THEY SHOULD WANT YOU IN BED,THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE ONCE IT GOES SOUTHIN BED, FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN BEDWITH SOMEBODY WHO SAYS LIKE

YOU KNOW,"I'LL RACE YOU TO SLEEP."

YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

I KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT ME.

I MEAN, DURING FOREPLAYSHE HAD REPELLENT ON

AND SHE WORE A RUBIK'S BRA.

AND TURTLENECK LINGERIE.

I SAID, "DON'T YOU WANTTO HAVE AN ORGASM?"

"NO, NO, NO, I'LL SAVE ITFOR A RAINY DAY."

COME ON.

"DON'T YOU WANT TOMAKE LOVE AT LEAST?"

"NO, NO, I'LL HAVE INTERCOURSE

IF I CAN COMBINE ITWITH LEARNING A TRADE."

IT'S A RECESSION,AND I UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT WHEN YOU MAKE LOVEAND YOU'RE HUGGING

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR LOVERTO SAY, "GET OUT OF MY FACE."

BUT FINALLYWE REACHED A COMPROMISE.

SHE SAID, "WE CAN SLEEP TOGETHER

IF WE SLEEP PERPENDICULAR."

WHICH IS HARD, YOU KNOW,SO RATHER THAN CUDDLE

WE SLEPT IN LIKETHE KNIFE AND FORK POSITION

WHICH I FELT WAS BAD.

IT'S BAD, I MEAN,I REALLY LOVED HER.

SHE BROKE MY HEARTA LITTLE BIT.

LIKE WE'RE GETTING UNDRESSED ANDSHE SAYS, "STATE YOUR BUSINESS."

I'M SORRY, THAT'S IT.

AND THEN DURING FOREPLAYSHE SAYS

"OKAY! OKAY!I GET THE POINT, COME ON."

AND THEN AFTER I FELTI WAS PRETTY GOOD

YOU KNOW, BEFORE WEACTUALLY DID THE ACT

AND SHE SAYS,"WHAT'S NEXT, WISEGUY?"

THAT TO ME... THAT'S BAD.

AND THEN WHILE WE'REMAKING LOVE SHE SAYS

"ONE MISSISSIPPI,TWO MISSISSIPPI."

SO I SAID TO HER, I SAID,"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT..."

I WAS LIKE DE NIRO-- "DID YOUOR DID YOU NOT HAVE AN ORGASM?

I'M ASKING YOU,DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?"

THAT WAS NOT A GOODDE NIRO IMPRESSION

BUT DOWN IN MY LIVERIT FELT LIKE DE NIRO.

BUT I KNEW SHE WASN'T INTO...

I SAID, "DID YOUHAVE AN ORGASM OR NOT?

SHE SAYS, "I'M THINKING."

SO FORGET ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON TO...

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ONTO THE SHOW, TO THE A LIST

THE POLICE ARE WEIRD HERE.

THEY ASK YOU STUPID QUESTIONS.

"DO YOU KNOW WHYI PULLED YOU OVER?"

"BECAUSE I HAVE POTIN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT?"

( laughter )

"WANT TO STEP OUTOF THE CAR, PLEASE?"

"NO, IT'S TOO HOT.

GET IN MY CAR, I GOTTHE AIR-CONDITIONER ON."

IF YOU GET A TICKET,YOU CAN GO TO TRAFFIC SCHOOL

AND THEY MAKE YOU WATCH MOVIESFOR, LIKE, EIGHT HOURS--

HEAD-ON COLLISIONS, MANNEQUINSFLYING OUT THE WINDSHIELD.

AFTERWARD THE INSTRUCTOR GOES:"WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED BY THIS?"

NEVER LET A MANNEQUINDRIVE YOUR CAR.

( laughter )

AND PEOPLE SAYFLYING IS SAFER THAN DRIVING

AND THEY SAY THE WEIRDEST THINGSON THE PLANE.

"THIS PLANE IS EQUIPPEDWITH FIVE EMERGENCY EXITS."

"NOT INCLUDING THE BIG ONETHAT'LL BE CREATED ON IMPACT."

( laughter )

"IN THE EVENT OF A WATER LANDING

YOUR SEAT CUSHION CAN BE USEDAS A FLOTATION DEVICE."

"TILL THE SHARKS COME,THEN IT'S A BOBBER."

( applause )

YOU KNOW WHATYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO

IF YOU'RE BEING ATTACKEDBY A SHARK?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TOPUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

AND WHEN THAT DOESN'T WORK

YOU POKE HIM IN THE EYEWITH YOUR STUMP.

( laughter )

PUNCH A SHARK?

WHAT IF HE WASN'T EVENGOING TO ATTACK YOU?

WHAT IF HE'S JUSTSWIMMING BY AND YOU GO:

"OW! HEY, WHAT DID YOUDO THAT FOR?"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOINGTO ATTACK ME."

"YEAH, WELL, I HAVE TO NOW.

"I WAS GOING TO LET YOU GO, BUTTHE OTHER SHARKS ARE WATCHING.

IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD NOW."

I FLEW OUT HERE ONSOUTHWEST AIRLINES.

SOUTHWEST HAS A PLANE THAT'SPAINTED LIKE SHAMU THE WHALE

FROM SEA WORLD.

THAT'D BE EASY TO FIND IF THATWENT DOWN IN THE OCEAN, HUH?

THAT'D BE NICE, WHEN YOU'RETRYING TO GET OUT

AND A REAL WHALE ISHUMPING YOUR WINDOW.

I SAW A PLANE CRASH ON CNN

THEY HAD A GUY STANDING OUTON THE FIELD GOING:

"YEAH, THE PLANECAME DOWN OVER HERE;

"SMASHED INTO THIS CAR;DECAPITATED THE DRIVER.

HE'S APPARENTLY DEAD."

NO, THE HEAD'S ALIVE BY ITSELF.

"HEY, OVER HERE,BEHIND THE BUSH."

( smattering of applause )

WHAT WOULD YOU SAYIF YOU SAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

"HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?"

"YEAH, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS."

"DON'T LOOK DOWN."

YOUR BRAIN PROBABLY STAYS ALIVEFOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES

AFTER YOUR HEAD COMES OFF.

CHICKENS RUN AROUNDWITH THEIR HEADS CHOPPED OFF.

IT'D BE WEIRD TO SEESOME TORSO HOPPING AROUND.

"WOW, LOOK AT THAT!

HEY, THAT'S MY SHIRT!"

WHEN YOU WATCH THE NEWS

AND THEY SAY THE PEOPLEHAVE TO BE IDENTIFIED

BY THEIR DENTAL RECORDS.

BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T KNOWWHO YOU ARE

HOW DO THEY KNOWWHO YOUR DENTIST IS?

( applause )

THANK YOU.

I SAW AN ADFOR A TIME-LIFE BOOK:

"A GUY JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE

FELL 30,000 FEETAND LIVED TO TELL THE STORY."

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE LOVEDTO HEAR THAT STORY.

( groaning )

"THE CHUTE DIDN'T..."

I HATE THOSE TIME-LIFE BOOKS.

EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL IT'S ON.

"WE'LL SEND YOU A BOOK A MONTH

UNTIL YOU'RE FORCEDTO FILE BANKRUPTCY."

"HONEY, THE GARBAGE DISPOSALDOESN'T WORK."

"THAT'S OKAY,WE CAN FIX IT OURSELVES

WITH VOLUME TWO, FIXING THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL."

THEN WHEN THAT DOESN'T WORK

THEY HAVE VOLUME THREE, LEARNING TO EAT WITH A HOOK.

( laughter )

A LOT OF WEIRD ADS.

SALLY STRUTHERSWITH THAT LITTLE KID--

"JUST 55 CENTS,THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE

FEEDS THIS KID ANDHIS FAMILY FOR A WEEK."

YEAH? WHERE IS THAT?BECAUSE I WANT TO MOVE THERE.

I SAW A TAMPAX AD--

THEY HAD A TAMPAX INA WINE GLASS OPEN LIKE A FLOWER

AND IT SAYS,"WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU?"

THAT I'M NEVER HAVING WINEAT YOUR HOUSE.

( laughter )

WHO WRITES THESE ADS?

"HOW COULD YOU WORKEIGHT HOURS A DAY

AND LOOK SO FRESH AND VIBRANT?"

"STAYFREE MAXI PADS."

WHAT, IS SHE SMOKING THEM?

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

THEY DO HAVE WEIRD ADS.

THAT ONE WITH THE MOTHERAND DAUGHTER ON THE BEACH:

"MA, WHY DO THEY HAVE DOUCHE?"

"WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE PELICANSTHAT ARE FOLLOWING YOU."

( laughter and applause )

NO DISRESPECT TO WOMEN--

I JUST DON'T BELIEVEYOU HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS

WITH YOUR MOTHERS ON THE BEACH.

GUYS DON'T HAVE THAT KINDOF RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR DADS.

"DAD, I TOOK A SHOWERAND EVERYTHING

AND MY GROINSTILL SMELLS FUNNY."

"STOP SMELLING IT."

AND I'M NOT KNOCKING PSYCHOSIS

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT KNOCKINGPEOPLE THAT HAVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT.

BUT HEY, SCHIMMEL'S CRAZY,I'M CRAZY.

WE BOTH DISCUSSED BACKSTAGEIT'S IMPORTANT TO BE LOVED.

YOU KNOW THAT, DIDN'T WE TALKABOUT THAT ABOUT A MINUTE AGO?

DIDN'T YOU MOCK ME IN FRONTOF MY RABBI BACK THERE?

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, AH,I WAS DISCUSSING ABOUT MY EX

AND AGAIN, I PRAY THATYOU HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE.

PARDON YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED? OH, I'M SORRY.

PEOPLE ARE BELCHING.

THERE'S A WHOLE BELCH FLUGOING AROUND NOW.

I JUST REALLY PRAY YOU--ALTHOUGH I'M NOT THAT RELIGIOUS.

I WENT TO A REFORM TEMPLE.

THE BIGGEST SERMON WE HADWAS "WHAT'S NEW IN POUND CAKE"

SO IT WASN'T REALLY THAT MAJOR.

BUT MY EX WAS CAUGHT UPIN THIS J.F.K. FRENZY NOW

AND SHE ACTUALLY DENIED THATI WAS EVEN INVOLVED SEXUALLY.

SHE SAID, YOU KNOW, SHE CITEDTHIS "ONE PENIS THEORY"

WAS NOT TRUE,THAT I WASN'T EVEN THERE

THAT THERE WERE LIKE THREEOTHER PEOPLE AROUND THE ROOM

AND THAT WASN'T ME,WHICH I FELT WAS UNFAIR.

BUT I DON'T KNOW,YOU GOT TO BE LOVED.

AND OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS HOSTILE.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE AN ORGASMAND SAY TO YOUR LOVER

"TAKE THAT!"

AND THEN AFTER WE MADE LOVESHE SAYS, "AM I EXCUSED NOW?"

YOU KNOW, COME ON.

BUT I'LL BE FINE.

I'M GOING TO THIS, IN SANTA FE,YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY HIP THERE.

I'M GOING TO A PENIS AWARENESSCLINIC THEY HAVE.

I JUST FLEW INFROM NEW YORK CITY

AND, BOY,IS MY MIDDLE FINGER TIRED.

BUT YOU KNOW...

I GREW UP BACK EAST, AND I STILLHAVE AN APARTMENT IN NEW YORK

AND I GO BACK AND FORTHBETWEEN L.A. AND NEW YORK.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENTHE TWO PLACES, BASICALLY, THIS:

HERE IN L.A. I'M PERCEIVEDAS KIND OF A FAST-TALKING

LITTLE BIT HOTHEADED,STREETWISE GUY FROM JERSEY.

IN NEW YORK,EVERYONE THINKS I'M GAY.

TOUGH TOWN,THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I'M NOT GAY.

ALTHOUGH THE WAYMY SOCIAL LIFE IS GOING

IT'S NICE TO KNOW IT'S THERE.

YOU START SCRAMBLING AROUND

YOU WANT TO HAVETHAT SAFETY VALVE OUTLET PASS.

NOT TO SAYI'M NOT LOOKING DOWNFIELD

JUST EVERYONESEEMS TO BE COVERED.

I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE GAY.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS

ABOUT THAT INITIATION CEREMONYI HEARD ABOUT.

MY SOCIAL LIFETRULY NOT GOING WELL.

I'M IN THE THROESOF A PROLONGED SLUMP...

DRY SPELL...

A DROUGHT, AS IT WERE.

TRULY IS A DROUGHT, I COULD GETLUCKY EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH

WOULDN'T MAKE A DENT IN IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I STARTED TO THINK MAYBETHERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

SO I WENT TO GO SEE A PSYCHIC

AS OPPOSED TO A THERAPIST,I GUESS.

THERAPISTS SEEM LIKEA LOT OF COMMITMENT.

GO BACK WEEK AFTER WEEK.

BASICALLY, I WANTED MAGIC.

( laughter )

SO I WENT TO SEE A PHYSIC.

WE DID PAST LIFE REGRESSIONS.

FIND OUT WHO YOU WEREIN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT?

FOUND OUT I HAVEN'T BEEN LAIDSINCE THE CIVIL WAR.

TALK ABOUT FOUR SCOREAND SEVEN YEARS AGO.

IT'S MY OWN FAULT.

I KNOW THAT,TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M A PSYCHIATRIC HYPOCHONDRIAC.

I HEAR ABOUT A PROBLEM,I'M SURE I HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

I GOT TO RUN OUT AND BUYTHE NEWEST SELF-HELP BOOK.

I JUST BOUGHT THIS BOOK

MEN WHO ARE AFRAID OF COMMITMENT.

WELL, I DIDN'T BUY IT,I TOOK IT OUT OF THE LIBRARY.

( laughter )

OKAY, I DIDN'T READ IT,I SKIMMED IT, STILL...

IT'S A REAL BOOK,I DIDN'T MAKE THAT TITLE UP.

IT'S IN A LONG LINEOF THOSE SELF-HELP BOOKS.

I THINK THE MOST FAMOUS ONECALLED WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THAT ONE?

THAT ONE I BOUGHT, BECAUSEI THOUGHT IT WAS A DIRECTORY.

( laughter and smattering of applause )

THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TOHAVE NAMES AND NUMBERS

MAYBE A TRIPTIK, TELL YOUWHERE TO STOP AND GET GAS.

ONE REASON, THEY ENCOURAGETHE KIDS TO CALL THEM

BY THEIR FIRST NAMES.

I NEVER HEAR THEM SAY"MOMMY" AND "DADDY."

IT'S "STEFFIE" AND "MARK."

I THINK THAT'S WEIRD,AND I THINK IT'S WRONG

BUT I'M OLD-FASHIONED.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT MARRIED,SO NATURALLY, YOU KNOW

MY KIDS CALL ME...THE DEFENDANT.

( laughter and applause )

IT'S A JOKE.

DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS

BUT I DO HAVE A FOSTER CHILDFOR SEVERAL YEARS NOW.

I HAVE A LITTLE GIRLIN THAILAND.

I SEND HER MONEY, ANDSHE SENDS ME DRAWINGS OF A HUT.

IT'S NOT A GOOD DEAL.

IT'S A GREAT DEAL,MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DO IT.

I RECOMMEND IT VERY HIGHLY.

YOU GET A PICTURE, A NAME,OCCASIONAL LETTERS.

BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY SENDINGMONEY TO THAT KID.

YOU'RE SENDING MONEYTO A CENTRALIZED FUND

THAT IS THEN SPLIT UPBY THE ENTIRE VILLAGE.

THAT MAKES SENSE--YOU CAN'T SEND MONEY TO ONE KID.

KID NEXT DOOR CAN'T BESTARVING TO DEATH

FLIES BUZZING AROUND ITS HEAD

YOUR KID'S GOT A NEW WALKMANAND SKATEBOARD.

"WHOA! GOT ME A FOSTERSUGAR DADDY, ALL RIGHT!"

( laughter )

"YO, BONJEE, YOU GOT CHANGEFOR A HUNDRED?

DIDN'T THINK SO!"

ONE KID CAN'T BE STARVINGWHILE THE OTHER ONE'S RICH.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE,LIKE, LIKE... THIS COUNTRY.

WAIT A MINUTE...

I WENT TO THE WEDDING.

IT WAS IN ISRAEL WHERE HE LIVES

BECAUSE HE'S STUDYINGTO BECOME A RABBI.

HE'S ALREADY A CERTIFIEDPUBLIC ACCOUNTANT AND A LAWYER.

APPARENTLY ATTEMPTINGTO BECOME A JEW CUBED.

( laughter and smattering of applause )

GOING FOR THE VERY RAREHEBREW HAT TRICK.

HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES.

IT WAS FASCINATING TO BEIN THE MIDDLE EAST

THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION.

I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITYTO VISIT EGYPT.

I WENT AND SAW THE PYRAMIDS.

UNBELIEVABLE,THEY MAKE QUITE AN IMPRESSION.

A LOT OF ROCKS PILED HIGH WASTHE IMPRESSION I CAME AWAY WITH.

YOU GAWK AT IT, AND YOU THINK,"MY GOD, HOW DID THEY DO THIS?

MOREOVER, WHY DID THEY DO THIS?"

I THINK THE PHARAOH WANTEDTO KEEP THESE PEOPLE BUSY.

JOBS.

I THINK WE CAN SEEFROM OUR OWN ECONOMY

HOW PEOPLE GET A LITTLE ANTSYWHEN THEY'RE OUT OF WORK.

HIGHWAY PROJECT GOING NOWHERE.

A LOT OF THOSE LATE-NIGHTCOMMERCIALS:

"HAVE YOU ALWAYS LIKEDWORKING WITH ROCK?

"LIKE PILING THINGS HIGH?

"WANT TO HELP A PHARAOHASCEND TO HEAVEN?

"THEN PYRAMID BUILDINGCOULD BE FOR YOU.

"JUST CALLTHIS GUY, THAT GUY

"THAT GUY, THIS GUY,THIS GUY, THAT GUY.

"THAT GUY, THIS GUY.

CALL NOW."

( cheering and applause )

DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE.

THAT'S WHERE MANY OFTHE MAJOR RELIGIONS STARTED.

A LOT OF THINGSTO WONDER ABOUT...

WHEN YOU READ THE BIBLE,CERTAINLY

IF YOU READ THE BIBLE.

IT'S A GOOD BOOK, THE GOOD BOOK,A LITTLE BIT PREACHY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I WONDER IF WHEN JESUS PERFORMEDMIRACLES, MIRACLES

IF THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMANTHERE NEXT TO HIM GOING...

( laughter )

NAH, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE JESUSWAS THERE, "I'VE GOT A FISH!

I'VE GOT TWO FISH, THANK YOU!"

( laughter and applause )

"CAN I GET A LEPERFROM THE CROWD, PLEASE?

A LEPER, PLEASE."

I TRY TO HELP MY NIECEAND NEPHEW WITH THEIR EDUCATION.

I LIKE TO READ THEM STORIESFROM THE BIBLE

AND THEN, OF COURSE,CHANGE THE ENDING.

( laughing )

GOOD, CLEAN UNCLE FUN.

"AND NOAH LOOKED TO THE HEAVENS

"AND SAID, 'GOD, WHEN YOUTOLD ME IT WOULD RAIN

"'AND THE LANDS WOULD FLOOD,I BELIEVED YOU

"'AND I BUILT THIS MIGHTY ARKSO THAT WE MIGHT BE SAVED

"'BUT I PRAY TO YOU NOW, TELL ME

"HOW MUCH LONGER WILLTHESE RAINS CONTINUE?'

"AND GOD SAID, 'WELL, NOAH...

LET'S GO TO THE SATELLITE MAP.'"

( laughter )

"'I SEE A HIGH PRESSURE FRONTMOVING OVER MESOPOTAMIA.

"'IT'LL MEET A WARM FRONTOVER THE DEAD SEA.

LET'S GO TO THE40-DAY, 40-NIGHT FORECAST.'"

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