Huntsberger, Esposito, Bell, Lee

  • Season 9, Ep 901
  • 12/23/2005

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring David Huntsberger, Tracy Esposito, W. Kamau Bell, & Pete Lee.

YOU KNOW, YOU ASK GUYS LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN?"

IT'S LIKE, "AH, MY PENIS."

THAT'S WHY I NEED LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED TYPE OF GIRL.

YOU KNOW,LIKE FROM THE STONE AGE.

WHO'S JUST LIKE, HE'S GOTTA BE ABLE TO WALK UPRIGHT.

AND CATCH ME FOOD. AND SOME TEETH WOULD BE NICE.

AND IT'S LIKE, HELLO, CAVE LADY.

AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THAT IS

I'D EVEN BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO HER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I COULDN'T CATCH HER ANY FOOD.

MAYBE WITH A GUN OR SOMETHING,I COULD SHOOT IT.

BUT BEING FROM THE STONE AGE,

PROBABLY NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE TO HER.

YOU KNOW, AND IF SHE EXPECTS ME TO BE OUT THERE

WITH LIKE A STICK LIKE GRAPPLING WITH SOME ANIMAL

OUT IN THE WILD,IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN TOO MANY OF THOSE ANIMAL ATTACK SHOWS.

AND WHEN WE DON'T HAVE WEAPONS,THE ANIMALS JUST

DOMINATE THE CRAP OUT OF US. IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE, YOU KNOW.

IT ALWAYS SHOWS THESE PEOPLE ALL BANDAGED UP ABOUT THE HEAD,

LIKE MISSING PARTS OF THEIR BODY.

LIKE, OH, THE ATTACK. "WELL, I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL.

"AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW A BEAR AND, AH,

"WELL, MY NATURAL INSTINCTWAS TO PLAY DEAD.

"AND AFTER ABOUTFIVE MINUTES OF MAULINGMOST OF MY FLESH OFF,

HE JUST GOT TIRED AND WENT AWAY...THANKFULLY."

YEAH, FUN. I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT.

I WAS WATCHING A THINGTHE OTHER DAY ON HERMAPHRODITES.

IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY. I WAS ALWAYS UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THERE WERE ONLY MAYBE LIKE A HANDFUL OF 'EM.

'CAUSE I'VE ONLY SEEN THEMLIKE OCCASIONALLY

LIKE IN A MAGAZINE LIKE, "EH, EH."

KIND OF SHOWING IT OFF. BUT NO, THERE ARE TONS OF 'EM. THEY'RE LIKE EVERYWHERE.

WHICH MAKES MEA LOT MORE SKEPTICAL NOW

WHEN I SEE GUYS BUYING TAMPONS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I THINK THE REASON YOU DON'T SEE MORE OF 'EM OUT AND ABOUT IS BECAUSE

LIKE WHEN THEY'RE BORN,THE DOCTOR COMES OVER

TO THE PARENTS AND GOES,ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

THIS KID IS NOT GOINGTHROUGH LIFE LIKE SOMESORT OF A CIRCUS FREAK.

NOW WE'RE EITHER SEWING SOMETHING UP

OR WE'RE CHOPPING SOMETHING OFF.

YOU MAKE A DECISIONAND YOU GET BACK TO ME.

YOU KNOW, AND THE PARENTS ARE LIKE, AH, HE'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. AND THEY FLIP A COIN.

THEY GO, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GO WITH THIS.

AND IF THE KID ENDS UP BEING GAY,

WE KIND OF KNOW WHY. BUT WE NEVER TELL IT, EVER.

NO MATTERWHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN US,

WE GET A DIVORCE,NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

WE NEVER TELL THIS KID, EVER!

IT'S A GOOD MOVE, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL THEM.

IT'S NOT LIKE ADOPTION WHERE THERE'S SOME TOUCHING REUNION

20 YEARS LATER ON OPRAH. YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE, "HEY, LOOK,

SO I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE THE OTHER DAY.

AND IT SAID "THE PERFECT WAY TO SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE

IS TO MAKE LOVE IN A CAR WASH."

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS FROM EXPERIENCE, NO, IT IS NOT.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALSOTHE PERFECT WAY TO RUINA CHURCH FUNDRAISER.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

SO I WAS AT THE DANCE CLUB THE OTHER NIGHT

AND I WAS HITTING ON THIS SKANK AND UM...

YEAH, SHE WAS LIKE SKANK-ALICIOUS,

LIKE SKANKTOBERFEST, YOU KNOW. AND, UM...

AND SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME. SHE GOES,

WOW, YOU WOULD BE CUTE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DORK.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I WAS LIKE, HEY, DON'T BE SO MEAN TO ME.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MEAN, IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

OH, DON'T CRY. YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU CRY...

SKANK.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, ACTUALLYTHIS IS A BIG DAY FOR ME'CAUSE LAST FRIDAY WAS

MY LAST DAY AT MY DAY JOB, MAN. I'M A FULL-TIME COMIC.

I'M LIVING THE DREAM. WOO! YEAH.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH.

HERE'S THE FUNNY PART IS I KIND OF HAVEN'T TOLD "MY JOB" YET.

I'M JUST GONNA LET 'EM FIGURE IT OUT ON THEIR OWN, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD MY DAD. HE WAS LIKE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS NOTICE.

TWO WEEKS NOTICE. I WAS LIKE,

NO, HOW ABOUT I GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS TO NOTICE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.THAT WAY IF THEY DON'T,

I'LL BE EXPECTING ANOTHER CHECK NOW, WON'T I?

THAT'S WHAT'S KNOWN AS A WIN-WIN SITUATION RIGHT THERE.

BUT EVERYONE THINKS I LOOK JEWISH. COULD I PASS?

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, THIS IS GOOD. I'M LEAVING WORK EARLY FOR THOSE HOLIDAYS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT? WHEN I--

WHEN I HAD A DAY JOB,I WAS ALWAYS LEAVING WORK EARLY.

I'M LIKE, HI, MY NAME IS TRACY ESPOSITOWITZ.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA GO. THE SUN'S COMING DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY RASHAHANNAKUH.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

I LOVE BEING ITALIAN. I JUST DON'T LIKE

THAT I HAVE A MUSTACHE.CAN YOU SEE IT?

I CAN NEVER BE ON THAT REALITY SHOW SURVIVOR.

THEY WOULD VOTE ME OFF 'CAUSE THE MUSTACHE WOULD GROW IN.

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER THE FIFTH DAY, THEY'D BE LIKE, VOTE HER OFF,

SHE'S TURNING INTO A MAN. THE HELL WITH THIS.

I COULD NEVER BE ON THAT SHOW.

I WOULD BETHE SLUT OF THE ISLAND.

I WOULD GRIND ANYONE FOR A BANANA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M CATHOLIC. I GRIND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY. I WAS ALWAYS UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THERE WERE ONLY MAYBE LIKE A HANDFUL OF 'EM.

'CAUSE I'VE ONLY SEEN THEMLIKE OCCASIONALLY

LIKE IN A MAGAZINE LIKE, "EH, EH."

KIND OF SHOWING IT OFF. BUT NO, THERE ARE TONS OF 'EM. THEY'RE LIKE EVERYWHERE.

WHICH MAKES MEA LOT MORE SKEPTICAL NOW

WHEN I SEE GUYS BUYING TAMPONS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I THINK THE REASON YOU DON'T SEE MORE OF 'EM OUT AND ABOUT IS BECAUSE

LIKE WHEN THEY'RE BORN,THE DOCTOR COMES OVER

TO THE PARENTS AND GOES,ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

THIS KID IS NOT GOINGTHROUGH LIFE LIKE SOMESORT OF A CIRCUS FREAK.

NOW WE'RE EITHER SEWING SOMETHING UP

OR WE'RE CHOPPING SOMETHING OFF.

YOU MAKE A DECISIONAND YOU GET BACK TO ME.

YOU KNOW, AND THE PARENTS ARE LIKE, AH, HE'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. AND THEY FLIP A COIN.

THEY GO, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GO WITH THIS.

AND IF THE KID ENDS UP BEING GAY,

WE KIND OF KNOW WHY. BUT WE NEVER TELL IT, EVER.

NO MATTERWHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN US,

WE GET A DIVORCE,NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

WE NEVER TELL THIS KID, EVER!

IT'S A GOOD MOVE, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL THEM.

IT'S NOT LIKE ADOPTION WHERE THERE'S SOME TOUCHING REUNION

20 YEARS LATER ON OPRAH. YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE, "HEY, LOOK,

WE FOUND YOUR REAL PENIS." IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU MAKE THAT DECISION, YOU JUST STICK WITH IT.

YOU CAN NEVER EVER TELL THE KID.YOU KNOW WHICH MEANS LIKE

SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM MAY HAVE BEEN BORN WITH

SOME EXTRA ORNAMENTS ON THE TREE.

AND YOUR PARENTS JUST NEVER TOLD YOU, YOU KNOW?

SO WHEN YOU GET HOME,GRAB A MIRROR,

MAYBE GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE-- A LITTLE--

A LITTLE CHECK JUST TO SEE, YOU KNOW.

AND IF YOU DO FIND SOME ODD SCARING, THANK YOUR PARENTS.

'CAUSE KNOWING THATONLY WOULD HAVE MADE YOU

MORE AWKWARD IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW THERE'S NO REASON TO KNOW THAT.

YOU SHOULD THANK 'EM AND THEN APPRECIATE HOW HARD IT WAS

FOR THEM NOT TO TELL YOU.'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY WANTED TO.

YOU KNOW TO HAVE THIS ACE UP THEIR SLEEVE

THEY COULD JUST DEAL YOU AT ANY TIME.

AND THEY NEVER DID. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE LIKE

A PUNK ASS BRATTY LITTLE TEENAGER, YOU KNOW?

LEAVING THE HOUSE. "LIKE I'M LEAVING.

"I'M GOING OVER TO TIMMY'S HOUSE. HIS DAD'S COOL.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE YOU!"

"YOU WERE BORN WITH A VAGINA!" SO THANK YOUR PARENTS.

ENJOY THE SHOW.

I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY RECENTLY.

I'M GETTING A LITTLE OLDER. I KNOW I DON'T LOOK THAT OLD.

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER SAID,

"GOOD BLACK DON'T CRACK."

[LAUGHTER]

APPARENTLY, SOME OF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY GRANDMOTHER'S COOL THOUGH. SHE HAS EXPRESSIONS LIKE THAT

FOR EVERYBODY. FOR ASIANS, "GOOD YELLOW DON'T MELLOW."

FOR LATINOS,"GOOD BROWN WON'T LET YOU DOWN."

FOR WHITE PEOPLE, "GOOD WHITES DON'T EXIST."SHE HAD 'EM ALL.

SHE HAD 'EM ALL.SHE HAD 'EM ALL.SHE HAD 'EM ALL.

I'M JUST KIDDING. SHE DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT GOOD YELLOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I HAVE A SKEWED RACIAL PERSPECTIVE.

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.IT'S MY PARENTS' FAULT.

I'M THE PRODUCT OF A MIXED MARRIAGE. THAT'S RIGHT.

MY FATHER'S BLACK. AND MY MOTHER'S BLACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW SHE TAUGHT METO PRONOUNCE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST KIDDING, EVERYBODY. CALM DOWN.

MY PARENTS WEREN'T MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS THE '70s.BLACK PEOPLE DIDN'T GETMARRIED IN THE '70s.

BLACK MEN LEARNED FROM MOHAMMED ALI.

STICK AND MOVE.STICK AND MOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, AH-- NO, I LOVE STATEN ISLAND.

I DO. I-- JUST THE VERRANZANO BRIDGE IS LIKE $9.

YOU GOTTA GO OVER A BRIDGE, IT'S $9 TOLL, OKAY?

MY FATHER'S LIKE, $9. WHERE'S THE MOVIE?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HAD TO MOVE OUT OF STATEN ISLAND.

I COULDN'T AFFORD THE BRIDGE.I LIVE IN THE CITY NOW.

I'M SO BROKE.COMEDIANS ARE SO BROKE.

I ONLY HAVE MONEYFOR HAIR SPRAY AND WAX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WANT TO KNOW HOW BROKE I AM? MY CELL PHONE FELL ON THE

SUBWAY TRACK LAST WEEK. I LOOKED AT MY FRIEND I SAID,

"HOLD MY LEGS, I'M GOING DOWN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S LIKE "THE TRAIN'S COMING."

I SAID, "HOLD ON TIGHT, I HAVE ROLLOVER MINUTES."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO I'M SINGLE IN THE CITY. I'M SINGLE.

- WOO! - THANK YOU.

I WAS GONNA GOONLINE AND MEET SOMEONE,GO ON THE INTERNET.

MY SISTER'S LIKE, "DON'T GO ONLINE.

THEY'RE ALL MURDERERS."BUT I WENT ONLINE.

AND A GUY SENT ME A PICTURE OF HIMSELF.

AND HE WAS POSING LIKE THIS IN FRONT OF HIS SHED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS A NICE SHED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SHE'S LIKE, "YOU SEE THAT SHED?

THAT'S WHERE THEY THROW THE BODIES."

AH. IT'S SO TOUGH TO MEET GUYS.

I ACTUALLY JOINED A GYM TO PICK UP GUYS.

I DON'T WORK OUT.I USE IT AS A NIGHTCLUB.

BUT SOME OF THE GUYS AT THE GYM, THEY WEAR ALL THEIR JEWELRY

AROUND THEIR NECK LIKE MR-T AND THE COLOGNE.

AND THEY WALK AROUND THE GYM WITH AN ATTITUDE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I COULD BENCH 400." I'M LIKE, "REALLY?

- BUT CAN YOU MAKE 400?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BASEBALL'S MY FAVORITE SPORT. OH, I LOVE BASEBALL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY THING THAT I LOVE MORE

THAN WATCHING THE SPORT OF BASEBALL

IS ABSOLUTELY PISSING OFF ALL MY BUDDIES

WHEN I'M WATCHING IT WITH THEM.

I WAS WATCHING THE GAME LAST WEEK.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD, DUDES,

THE CATCHER IS TOTALLY FLIRTING WITH THE PITCHER, DUDE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW GAY IS THAT? OH, MY GOD.

AND THEY JUST SNAPPED. THEY WERE LIKE, NO, HE'S NOT.

NO, HE'S NOT. DON'T SAY THAT. HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT.

THEY'RE NOT FLIRTING. THEY'RE NOT. NOT.

NOT FLIRTING. NOT. NOT.

I'M LIKE, OH, YEAH, IF I TALKED TO YOU THAT WAY?

LIKE, HEY, DUDE, WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING LATER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

NO. YOU WANT TO DO THAT?YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

YOU WANT TO DO THIS AND GO LIKE THAT?

HOW'S ABOUT I TOUCH MY FACE AND THEN I DO THAT?

YOU LIKE THAT ONE, BIG FELLOW?

HOW'S ABOUT I TWEAK THEMAND I DROP THREE DOWN?

YOU LIKE THAT ONE?HOW ABOUT I WIGGLE THEM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEW, GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'D LIKE TO START WITH A LITTLE IMPRESSION.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF A SPANISH GYNECOLOGIST.

MAY I HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR BAGINA?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYBODY THOUGHT I WAS GONNASAY IT IN SPANISH AND I DIDN'T.

AND IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE SPANISH. I DO.

I PROBABLY ACTUALLY LIKE SPANISHMORE THAN ENGLISH ACTUALLY.

BECAUSE YOU NEVER HEAR ANY OF THAT ANNOYING

VALLEY GIRL TALK, YOU KNOW, WHICH GETS PRETTY ANNOYING.

YOU NEVER HEAR TWO MEXICAN CHICKS SITTING AROUND GOING,

AH, MARIA, AH, DAS MIHAS. COMO SANTE FELA SEMANA?

YO NO SAY PORQUE AVUELLA APLAYA PERO ASSAY MUCHO FRIO.

OH, IT'S LA VERDAD. SI. PER SER QUESTA.

NEVER HAPPENS.

AND ALSO IN SPANISH, LIKE IF YOU TALK WITH A LISP,

THEN YOU'RE JUST A SMOOTH CHARACTER, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN WALK UP TO GIRLS AND BE LIKE, [LISP] "COMO ESTAS?"

AND THEY'RE JUST-- [Gasps] I DON'T-- I--

[Lisp] "QUE PASO?" [High Voice] "NADA."

YOU KNOW, IT JUST DOES NOT TRANSLATE OVER IN ENGLISH WELL AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,[Lisp] "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"

"NOTHING, SEE YOU LATER. SEE YOU. I'LL BE SEEING YOU."

IT'S A SHAME. AND THE WORST PART ABOUT THAT, TOO,

IS THAT THE GIRL CAN GO BACK OVER TO HER FRIENDS AND LIKE,

"AH, HE WASN'T MY TYPE."AND IT'S THE TRUTH.

LIKE 'CAUSE LISP OR NO LISP,

THAT GUY PROBABLY WASN'T HER TYPE.

YOU KNOW GIRLS HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE.

YOU KNOW, YOU ASK GUYS LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN?"

IT'S LIKE, "AH, MY PENIS."

THAT'S WHY I NEED LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED TYPE OF GIRL.

YOU KNOW,LIKE FROM THE STONE AGE.

WHO'S JUST LIKE, HE'S GOTTA BE ABLE TO WALK UPRIGHT.

AND CATCH ME FOOD. AND SOME TEETH WOULD BE NICE.

AND IT'S LIKE, HELLO, CAVE LADY.

AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THAT IS

I'D EVEN BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO HER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I COULDN'T CATCH HER ANY FOOD.

MAYBE WITH A GUN OR SOMETHING,I COULD SHOOT IT.

BUT BEING FROM THE STONE AGE,

PROBABLY NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE TO HER.

YOU KNOW, AND IF SHE EXPECTS ME TO BE OUT THERE

WITH LIKE A STICK LIKE GRAPPLING WITH SOME ANIMAL

OUT IN THE WILD,IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN TOO MANY OF THOSE ANIMAL ATTACK SHOWS.

AND WHEN WE DON'T HAVE WEAPONS,THE ANIMALS JUST

DOMINATE THE CRAP OUT OF US. IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE, YOU KNOW.

IT ALWAYS SHOWS THESE PEOPLE ALL BANDAGED UP ABOUT THE HEAD,

LIKE MISSING PARTS OF THEIR BODY.

LIKE, OH, THE ATTACK. "WELL, I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL.

"AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW A BEAR AND, AH,

"WELL, MY NATURAL INSTINCTWAS TO PLAY DEAD.

"AND AFTER ABOUTFIVE MINUTES OF MAULINGMOST OF MY FLESH OFF,

HE JUST GOT TIRED AND WENT AWAY...THANKFULLY."

YEAH, FUN. I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT.

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

NEW YORK-- OOH. BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.

YOU JUST WALK DOWN THE STREET.

YOU GOT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

NOBODY BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER.

EVERYBODY'S GOTTHEIR OWN LITTLE RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST STEP OUT THE WAY.

YOU KNOW, EVEN OLD PEOPLE GOT RHYTHM. THEY COME DOWN...

[LAUGHTER]

AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, OH, MY GOD. NEW YORK-- WHEW!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT SOME OF THEM GOT REALLY LIKE UGLY NAMES AND VOICES.

YOU KNOW THEM ACCENTS. LIKE MY NAME IS BETTY ANN BOYSENBERRY.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING IN BED WITH HER?

OH, CHECK-- OH, THAT'S YOUR-- GRACE. OH, RIGHT THERE.

IT'S LIKE BEING IN BED WITH ARCHIE BUNKER.

- OH, I'M ABOUT TO CLIMAX, DEAR. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I, UM, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. AND THE ONLY THING THAT

I DON'T LIKE ABOUT HER IS THAT SHE'S SUPER MATERIALISTIC.

BUT SHE'S SUPER HOT. SO I JUST WAIVE THAT ONE.

SO WE GO ON THIS DATE THE OTHER NIGHT.

THE FIRST THING SHE SAYS TO ME--

NO KISS HELLO, NO NOTHING-- SHE SAYS, WELL, I WANT TO SEE

HOW MUCH MONEY YOU CAN SPEND TONIGHT, MISTER.

YEAH. SO I TOOK HER TO A STRIP CLUB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WAS LIKE,AH-HMM, AH-HMM, AH-HMM,HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, DON'T GET MAD. YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU'RE MAD.

ALL RIGHT, I'M PETE LEE.

WE NEED MORE STRONG BLACK PEOPLE. WHAT WE ACTUALLY NEED

- IS A NEW BLACK LEADER. YES. - [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU 30% FOR CLAPPING. THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,

NAH, WE DON'T NEED A NEW BLACK LEADER.

THE EXPERIMENT IS WORKING PERFECTLY.

[LAUGHTER]

USED TO BE OUR POLITICIANS WERE OUR LEADERS, YOU KNOW.

WHO'S THE MOST PROMINENT BLACK POLITICIAN RIGHT NOW?

CONDOLEEZA RICE? YEE-IKES.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER BEFORE HAS SO MUCH EVILCOME TOGETHER WITH SO MUCH UGLY.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NAW, MAN, SHE'S SO UGLY, EVENHER TEETH ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE HER TEETH SAID YOU GO LEFT, I'LL GO RIGHT.

- BANG! - [LAUGHTER]

HER TEETH ARE STANDING ON THE CORNER WAITING FOR A BUS

TRYING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

IT'S LIKE THE LOVE CHILD OF NANCY REAGAN AND A ROTTWEILER.

- GRRR! - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I HOPETHE BLACK LEADER WE GET IS BARACH OBAMA,

THE BLACK SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH. THAT DUDE IS COOL.

PEOPLE SAY HE'S GONNA BEPRESIDENT SOME DAY.

MY QUESTION IS PRESIDENT OF WHAT?

'CAUSE ONE DAY THERE MAY BE A BLACK PRESIDENT

BUT THERE WILL NEVER BE A BLACK PRESIDENT NAMED BARACH OBAMA.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S TOO BLACK.

THAT DUDE'S NAMEMIGHT AS WELL BE

BLACKIE BLACKERSON.YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF PEOPLE WON'T VOTE FOR A WHITE DUDE NAMED JOHN KERRY,

THEY WILL DEFINITELY NOT VOTE FOR A BLACK DUDE NAMED

BARACH OBAMA.

WHO'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?UM, BARACH OBAMA.

BLACK OSAMA? UH-UH.

THAT IS TWO THINGS I DON'T LIKE.

THAT'S LIKE A ROTTEN CHERRY ON A CRAP SUNDAE. NO THANK YOU.

Loading...