Huntsberger, Esposito, Bell, Lee

  • Season 9, Ep 901
  • 12/23/2005

David Huntsberger can't impress a cavewoman, Tracy Esposito passes as Jewish, W. Kamau Bell recalls his grandmother's wisdom, and Pete Lee deciphers baseball body language.

SO I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE THE OTHER DAY.

AND IT SAID "THE PERFECT WAY TO SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE

IS TO MAKE LOVE IN A CAR WASH."

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS FROM EXPERIENCE, NO, IT IS NOT.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALSOTHE PERFECT WAY TO RUINA CHURCH FUNDRAISER.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

SO I WAS AT THE DANCE CLUB THE OTHER NIGHT

AND I WAS HITTING ON THIS SKANK AND UM...

YEAH, SHE WAS LIKE SKANK-ALICIOUS,

LIKE SKANKTOBERFEST, YOU KNOW. AND, UM...

AND SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME. SHE GOES,

WOW, YOU WOULD BE CUTE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DORK.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I WAS LIKE, HEY, DON'T BE SO MEAN TO ME.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MEAN, IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

OH, DON'T CRY. YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU CRY...

SKANK.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, ACTUALLYTHIS IS A BIG DAY FOR ME'CAUSE LAST FRIDAY WAS

MY LAST DAY AT MY DAY JOB, MAN. I'M A FULL-TIME COMIC.

I'M LIVING THE DREAM. WOO! YEAH.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH.

HERE'S THE FUNNY PART IS I KIND OF HAVEN'T TOLD "MY JOB" YET.

I'M JUST GONNA LET 'EM FIGURE IT OUT ON THEIR OWN, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD MY DAD. HE WAS LIKE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS NOTICE.

TWO WEEKS NOTICE. I WAS LIKE,

NO, HOW ABOUT I GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS TO NOTICE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.THAT WAY IF THEY DON'T,

I'LL BE EXPECTING ANOTHER CHECK NOW, WON'T I?

THAT'S WHAT'S KNOWN AS A WIN-WIN SITUATION RIGHT THERE.

I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY RECENTLY.

I'M GETTING A LITTLE OLDER. I KNOW I DON'T LOOK THAT OLD.

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER SAID,

"GOOD BLACK DON'T CRACK."

[LAUGHTER]

APPARENTLY, SOME OF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY GRANDMOTHER'S COOL THOUGH. SHE HAS EXPRESSIONS LIKE THAT

FOR EVERYBODY. FOR ASIANS, "GOOD YELLOW DON'T MELLOW."

FOR LATINOS,"GOOD BROWN WON'T LET YOU DOWN."

FOR WHITE PEOPLE, "GOOD WHITES DON'T EXIST."SHE HAD 'EM ALL.

SHE HAD 'EM ALL.SHE HAD 'EM ALL.SHE HAD 'EM ALL.

I'M JUST KIDDING. SHE DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT GOOD YELLOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I HAVE A SKEWED RACIAL PERSPECTIVE.

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.IT'S MY PARENTS' FAULT.

I'M THE PRODUCT OF A MIXED MARRIAGE. THAT'S RIGHT.

MY FATHER'S BLACK. AND MY MOTHER'S BLACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW SHE TAUGHT METO PRONOUNCE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST KIDDING, EVERYBODY. CALM DOWN.

MY PARENTS WEREN'T MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS THE '70s.BLACK PEOPLE DIDN'T GETMARRIED IN THE '70s.

BLACK MEN LEARNED FROM MOHAMMED ALI.

STICK AND MOVE.STICK AND MOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

BASEBALL'S MY FAVORITE SPORT. OH, I LOVE BASEBALL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY THING THAT I LOVE MORE

THAN WATCHING THE SPORT OF BASEBALL

IS ABSOLUTELY PISSING OFF ALL MY BUDDIES

WHEN I'M WATCHING IT WITH THEM.

I WAS WATCHING THE GAME LAST WEEK.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD, DUDES,

THE CATCHER IS TOTALLY FLIRTING WITH THE PITCHER, DUDE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW GAY IS THAT? OH, MY GOD.

AND THEY JUST SNAPPED. THEY WERE LIKE, NO, HE'S NOT.

NO, HE'S NOT. DON'T SAY THAT. HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT.

THEY'RE NOT FLIRTING. THEY'RE NOT. NOT.

NOT FLIRTING. NOT. NOT.

I'M LIKE, OH, YEAH, IF I TALKED TO YOU THAT WAY?

LIKE, HEY, DUDE, WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING LATER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

NO. YOU WANT TO DO THAT?YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

YOU WANT TO DO THIS AND GO LIKE THAT?

HOW'S ABOUT I TOUCH MY FACE AND THEN I DO THAT?

YOU LIKE THAT ONE, BIG FELLOW?

HOW'S ABOUT I TWEAK THEMAND I DROP THREE DOWN?

YOU LIKE THAT ONE?HOW ABOUT I WIGGLE THEM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

NEW YORK-- OOH. BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.

YOU JUST WALK DOWN THE STREET.

YOU GOT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

NOBODY BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER.

EVERYBODY'S GOTTHEIR OWN LITTLE RHYTHM.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST STEP OUT THE WAY.

YOU KNOW, EVEN OLD PEOPLE GOT RHYTHM. THEY COME DOWN...

[LAUGHTER]

AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, OH, MY GOD. NEW YORK-- WHEW!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT SOME OF THEM GOT REALLY LIKE UGLY NAMES AND VOICES.

YOU KNOW THEM ACCENTS. LIKE MY NAME IS BETTY ANN BOYSENBERRY.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING IN BED WITH HER?

OH, CHECK-- OH, THAT'S YOUR-- GRACE. OH, RIGHT THERE.

IT'S LIKE BEING IN BED WITH ARCHIE BUNKER.

- OH, I'M ABOUT TO CLIMAX, DEAR. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I, UM, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. AND THE ONLY THING THAT

I DON'T LIKE ABOUT HER IS THAT SHE'S SUPER MATERIALISTIC.

BUT SHE'S SUPER HOT. SO I JUST WAIVE THAT ONE.

SO WE GO ON THIS DATE THE OTHER NIGHT.

THE FIRST THING SHE SAYS TO ME--

NO KISS HELLO, NO NOTHING-- SHE SAYS, WELL, I WANT TO SEE

HOW MUCH MONEY YOU CAN SPEND TONIGHT, MISTER.

YEAH. SO I TOOK HER TO A STRIP CLUB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WAS LIKE,AH-HMM, AH-HMM, AH-HMM,HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, DON'T GET MAD. YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU'RE MAD.

ALL RIGHT, I'M PETE LEE.

WE NEED MORE STRONG BLACK PEOPLE. WHAT WE ACTUALLY NEED

- IS A NEW BLACK LEADER. YES. - [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU 30% FOR CLAPPING. THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,

NAH, WE DON'T NEED A NEW BLACK LEADER.

THE EXPERIMENT IS WORKING PERFECTLY.

[LAUGHTER]

USED TO BE OUR POLITICIANS WERE OUR LEADERS, YOU KNOW.

WHO'S THE MOST PROMINENT BLACK POLITICIAN RIGHT NOW?

CONDOLEEZA RICE? YEE-IKES.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER BEFORE HAS SO MUCH EVILCOME TOGETHER WITH SO MUCH UGLY.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NAW, MAN, SHE'S SO UGLY, EVENHER TEETH ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE HER TEETH SAID YOU GO LEFT, I'LL GO RIGHT.

- BANG! - [LAUGHTER]

HER TEETH ARE STANDING ON THE CORNER WAITING FOR A BUS

TRYING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

IT'S LIKE THE LOVE CHILD OF NANCY REAGAN AND A ROTTWEILER.

- GRRR! - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I HOPETHE BLACK LEADER WE GET IS BARACH OBAMA,

THE BLACK SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH. THAT DUDE IS COOL.

PEOPLE SAY HE'S GONNA BEPRESIDENT SOME DAY.

MY QUESTION IS PRESIDENT OF WHAT?

'CAUSE ONE DAY THERE MAY BE A BLACK PRESIDENT

BUT THERE WILL NEVER BE A BLACK PRESIDENT NAMED BARACH OBAMA.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S TOO BLACK.

THAT DUDE'S NAMEMIGHT AS WELL BE

BLACKIE BLACKERSON.YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF PEOPLE WON'T VOTE FOR A WHITE DUDE NAMED JOHN KERRY,

THEY WILL DEFINITELY NOT VOTE FOR A BLACK DUDE NAMED

BARACH OBAMA.

WHO'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?UM, BARACH OBAMA.

BLACK OSAMA? UH-UH.

THAT IS TWO THINGS I DON'T LIKE.

THAT'S LIKE A ROTTEN CHERRY ON A CRAP SUNDAE. NO THANK YOU.