Tommy Sledge & Hugh Fink

  • Season 1, Ep 0119
  • 02/24/1992

BUT NOT PSYCHED FOR ME

BECAUSE IN TWO DAYSI'LL BE FLYING TO JERSEY.

IT'S MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE WANTS ME TO SAY...

ALL RIGHT MOM, I'LL SAY IT.

I'M 44, SHE SAYS SHE'S 41,WHICH IS ABSURD

BUT SHE'S 41 NEXT TUESDAY.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S 135

BECAUSE SHE HAD SEXWITH ONE OF THE WRIGHT BROTHERS.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT.

I'M JUST KIDDING, MOM.

IT'S A JOKE, I'M A COMIC.

SHE THINKS I'M A DENTISTIN FT. LAUDERDALE.

SHE'S FABULOUS

SHE MEANS HARM, AND I'M SURE...

I SAID, "I'LL COMETO THE BIRTHDAY"

BUT I'M IN L.A.--IT'S 3,000 MILES TO JERSEY.

I WAS IN VEGAS DOING A SHOW.

I THINK IT WAS AT CAESAR'S...

I REALLY FORGET, QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT DOWNIN THE LITTLE GAME ROOM...

IT WAS $1,000, A HOLOGRAMYOU COULD BUY.

IF YOU'RE HAVING FIGHTSWITH YOUR FAMILY--

IT'S A HOLOGRAM.

THEY THINKYOU'RE AT THE BIRTHDAY

THEY CAN TOUCH YOUAND YET YOU'RE NOT THERE.

THEY TOUCH YOU

AND YOU'RE ACTUALLYIN YOUR OWN BATHTUB AT HOME

OR IN MAUI ON A HAMMOCK--IT'S FABULOUS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO

BECAUSE THE WHOLE FAMILY'SGOING TO BE THERE

AND THEY'RE TOO NEGATIVE.

I'M TRYING TO LET GOOF THAT NEGATIVITY.

EVERY FAMILY REUNION,IT'S THE SAME THING.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UPMY MOTHER WOULD HAVE A TOAST

AT THE OPENING OF A REUNION:"YOU'RE KILLING YOUR FATHER"

AND THEN SHE WOULD...

AND I'LL SHOW UP

AND MY UNCLES AND MY AUNTSWILL GO, "HOW ARE YOU?

"HEY, YOU'RE DOING WELL.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'REPUTTING ON SOME PROBLEMS."

I DON'T NEED TO HEAR...

AND THEN MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY,WHAT DO I GIVE HER?

LAST YEAR I GAVE HER A...SHE'S SO HARD TO PLEASE--

I GAVE HERA SELF-COMPLAINING OVEN

WHICH I FELT WAS A GOOD GIFT

BUT SHE'LL REJECT EVERYTHING.

I'M 44-- I'VE NEVER GIVEN HERA GIFT THAT SHE'S KEPT

SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BUYHER A GIFT WITH MY ALLOWANCE.

SHE'S ALMOST LIKE A NEGATIVE, UH...

MENTALIST, IN A SENSE.

THERE WILL BE LIKE A BAG THERE.

EVERYBODY WILL BRING MOM GIFTSAND SHE'LL GO...

"I'M GOING TO RETURN THE SCARF."

"YES, YOU ARE!"

MY NAME IS HUGH FINK.

IN FACT, THAT'S MY REAL NAME.

WHEN I WAS KID, I SAID,"DAD, IS HUGH SHORT FOR HUBERT?"

HE SAID, "NO, IT'S LONG FOR( aspirates the sound of "H" )."

( laughter )

I GREW UP IN INDIANA,BLUEGRASS CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

WHICH IS STRANGE BECAUSEWE HAD A CLASSICAL RADIO STATION

WITH A COUNTRY-WESTERN FORMAT.

( playing Rossini overture )

( drawling: )YOU BEEN LISTENING

TO ROSSINI'S OVERTURE LA GAZZA LADRA

WHICH IS I-TALIAN FOR"ALL MY EXES LIVE IN TEXAS."

( laughter )

( cheering )

MY PARENTS STILL LIVEIN INDIANA.

I'VE BEEN IN CALIFORNIAFIVE YEARS.

MY FOLKS DO NOT UNDERSTANDTIME ZONES.

I TALK TO THEM ONCE A WEEK; SAMECONVERSATION OVER THE PHONE:

( with Midwestern inflection: )"WELL, IT'S 8:00 HERE.

"WHAT IS IT?6:00 THERE, HUH?... HUH?

"WELL, IT'S 1:30 HERE.

"WHAT IS IT?9:30 THERE, HUH?... HUH?

"IT'S MONDAY HERE. WHAT IS IT?WEDNESDAY THERE, HUH?

"IT'S SUMMER HERE.WHAT IS IT? WINTER THERE, HUH?

"WELL, WITH THE INDUSTRIALREVOLUTION HERE

WHAT IS IT?THE PALEOLITHIC ERA THERE, HUH?"

( scattered laughter )

I WENT TO COLLEGE OUT OF STATE.

MY FATHER SAID IF I NEEDED CASH

MAKE A COLLECT CALLFROM HUGH BROKE.

THAT WAY HE'DWIRE ME THE MONEY

WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAYFOR THE PHONE CALL.

I MADE A COLLECT CALLFROM HUGH BROKE.

A MINUTE LATER, MY PHONE RINGS:"WE HAVE A PERSON-TO-PERSON CALL

FOR MR. HUGH BROKEFROM ROB BANK."

( laughter )

I RESPECT MY FATHER'S OPINIONSON CURRENT SOCIAL ISSUES.

I SAID, "DAD, DO YOU THINKA FAMILY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT

TO WITHDRAW LIFE SUPPORTON A LOVED ONE?"

"WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHICH KID."

I FOLLOW SPORTS,AND I THINK BASEBALL

IS THE MOST INTELLECTUAL SPORTWE HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

I SAW A GAME ON TV.

THEY PUT A WIRELESS MIKEAROUND THE FIRST-BASE COACH.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW CRUCIALTHE FIRST-BASE COACH IS

HELPING THE TEAM WITH STRATEGY,TILL I HEARD THIS FOR TWO HOURS:

( as sports announcer: )NOW BATTING, BOBBY BONILLA.

( clapping )

( with nasal voice: )COME ON, BOBBY.

( clapping )

COME ON, BOBBY.

( scattered laughter )

COME ON, BOBBO.

COME ON, BOBITA.

( as announcer: )BATTING NEXT, BARRY BONDS.

( with nasal voice: )COME ON, BARRY.

COME ON, BAR' BOY.

( as announcer: )STEPPING TO THE PLATE...

ANDREAS GALARRAGA.

( scattered laughter )

COME ON, BOBBY.

( laughter )

BOBBO.

( applause )

MY DAD USED TO TAKE MEFOR CHINESE FOOD

AFTER BASEBALL GAMES

BUT I DON'T GOTO CHINESE RESTAURANTS ANYMORE.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

I CAN'T TELL WHEN THE WAITERSARE BEING SARCASTIC.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"THE KUNG PAO CHICKEN--IS THAT SPICY?"

( with Chinese accent: )"NO, SWEET."

( scattered laughter )

"I ORDERED EGG ROLLSAN HOUR AGO."

( with Chinese accent: )"I KNOW-- THANKS FOR REMINDING ME."

"I'M A COMEDIAN, HERE ARESOME TICKETS TO MY SHOW."

"I'M SUREYOU'RE VERY FUNNY MAN."

( laughter )

IN LOS ANGELES I NEVER CALLCHINESE DELIVERY PLACES.

THEY'RE WAY TOO THOROUGH.

"HI, I'D LIKETO PLACE AN ORDER."

( with Chinese accent: )"OH, IS THIS HUGH FINK?"

"YES, HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?"

"WE HAVE YOUR VOICEON COMPUTER VOICEPRINT."

"COULD I TELL YOUWHAT FOOD I'D LIKE?"

"WE ALREADY KNOW--HE BE THERE IN THREE MINUTES."

( laughter )

"WAIT A MINUTE, I'M LEAVINGMY APARTMENT FOR TWO HOURS."

"THAT'S OKAY

"WE HAVE A LOCKSMITH BREAKIN YOUR APARTMENT-- NO PROBLEM.

"BY THE WAY,YOUR PLANTS NEED WATERING.

"THEY LOOK LIKE CRAP.

"ONE MORE THING,YOUR GIRLFRIEND--

SHE FAKE ORGASM."

( laughter and applause )

AND AS GREAT A COMEDIANAS HENNY IS--

HE JUST CELEBRATEDHIS 50th ANNIVERSARY

AS KING OF THE ONE-LINERS--

MAYBE HE SHOULD STEP DOWNBECAUSE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT

I THINK HENNY'S GETTING A LITTLESENILE WITH THE PUNCH LINES.

( playing simple tune like Youngman )

( as Henny: )"A GUY COMES UP TO MEON THE STREET

SAYS HE HASN'T HAD A BITE IN AWEEK SO I GAVE HIM A SANDWICH."

( laughter )

"I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

"I SAY, 'DOC, IT HURTSWHEN I GO LIKE THIS.'

DOCTOR SAYS,'MAYBE YOU GOT ARTHRITIS.'"

( laughter )

"MY WIFE IS SO FAT--

WHEN SHE STANDS AROUNDTHE HOUSE, SHE EATS LIKE A PIG."

( laughter )

"A MAN GOESINTO A RESTAURANT:

'WAITER, WHAT'S THIS FLYDOING IN MY SOUP?'

"WAITER SAYS, 'SORRY, WE GOTA PROBLEM WITH INSECTS.'"

( laughter )

"TAKE MY WIFE... FOR EXAMPLE."

( laughter )

( applause and cheering )

THANKS.

( playing blues music )

( with rasping voice: )♪ WHEN I WAS A BOY

♪ GOING DOWNTHE FISHIN' HOLE ♪

♪ MY DADDY CAUGHT CATFISH

♪ I GOT FILET OF SOLE.

♪ I PUT ON A TUXEDO

♪ AND SOME BLACK LEATHER SHOES

♪ MY DADDY SAID, "SON...

♪ YOU GOTTHE STRADIVARIUS BLUES." ♪

♪ I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT

♪ DRINKING GIN AND TONIC

♪ WHEN I GROOVE TO THE BEAT

♪ OF THE NEW YORKPHILHARMONIC. ♪

♪ THEY SAY THAT MADONNA

♪ HAS A NICE BODY

♪ BUT SHE CAN'T BOOGIE

♪ LIKE MY MAN PAVAROTTI.

♪ IF YOU LIKE ROCK AND ROLL

♪ YOU'LL LOVE MOTLEY CRUES

♪ BUT THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING

♪ THE STRADIVARIUS BLUES.

♪ THIS SONG IS ABOUT OVER

♪ IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GO

♪ I'M HEADING TO VIENNA

♪ WITH MY FIDDLE AND BOW

♪ GOING TO PAY MY RESPECTS

♪ TO A CAT WHO PAID DUES

♪ HERE LIES AMADEUS MOZART,THE ONLY MAN EVER TO DIE ♪

♪ WITH THEMSTRADIVARIUS BLUES. ♪

( laughter and whistling )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.