Tommy Sledge & Hugh Fink

  • Season 1, Ep 0119
  • 02/24/1992

BUT NOT PSYCHED FOR ME

BECAUSE IN TWO DAYSI'LL BE FLYING TO JERSEY.

IT'S MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE WANTS ME TO SAY...

ALL RIGHT MOM, I'LL SAY IT.

I'M 44, SHE SAYS SHE'S 41,WHICH IS ABSURD

BUT SHE'S 41 NEXT TUESDAY.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S 135

BECAUSE SHE HAD SEXWITH ONE OF THE WRIGHT BROTHERS.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT.

I'M JUST KIDDING, MOM.

IT'S A JOKE, I'M A COMIC.

SHE THINKS I'M A DENTISTIN FT. LAUDERDALE.

SHE'S FABULOUS

SHE MEANS HARM, AND I'M SURE...

I SAID, "I'LL COMETO THE BIRTHDAY"

BUT I'M IN L.A.--IT'S 3,000 MILES TO JERSEY.

I WAS IN VEGAS DOING A SHOW.

I THINK IT WAS AT CAESAR'S...

I REALLY FORGET, QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT DOWNIN THE LITTLE GAME ROOM...

IT WAS $1,000, A HOLOGRAMYOU COULD BUY.

IF YOU'RE HAVING FIGHTSWITH YOUR FAMILY--

IT'S A HOLOGRAM.

THEY THINKYOU'RE AT THE BIRTHDAY

THEY CAN TOUCH YOUAND YET YOU'RE NOT THERE.

THEY TOUCH YOU

AND YOU'RE ACTUALLYIN YOUR OWN BATHTUB AT HOME

OR IN MAUI ON A HAMMOCK--IT'S FABULOUS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO

BECAUSE THE WHOLE FAMILY'SGOING TO BE THERE

AND THEY'RE TOO NEGATIVE.

I'M TRYING TO LET GOOF THAT NEGATIVITY.

EVERY FAMILY REUNION,IT'S THE SAME THING.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UPMY MOTHER WOULD HAVE A TOAST

AT THE OPENING OF A REUNION:"YOU'RE KILLING YOUR FATHER"

AND THEN SHE WOULD...

AND I'LL SHOW UP

AND MY UNCLES AND MY AUNTSWILL GO, "HOW ARE YOU?

"HEY, YOU'RE DOING WELL.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'REPUTTING ON SOME PROBLEMS."

I DON'T NEED TO HEAR...

AND THEN MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY,WHAT DO I GIVE HER?

LAST YEAR I GAVE HER A...SHE'S SO HARD TO PLEASE--

I GAVE HERA SELF-COMPLAINING OVEN

WHICH I FELT WAS A GOOD GIFT

BUT SHE'LL REJECT EVERYTHING.

I'M 44-- I'VE NEVER GIVEN HERA GIFT THAT SHE'S KEPT

SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BUYHER A GIFT WITH MY ALLOWANCE.

SHE'S ALMOST LIKE A NEGATIVE, UH...

MENTALIST, IN A SENSE.

THERE WILL BE LIKE A BAG THERE.

EVERYBODY WILL BRING MOM GIFTSAND SHE'LL GO...

"I'M GOING TO RETURN THE SCARF."

"YES, YOU ARE!"

I CAME IN FROM 1947...

ME, A PALOOKA,A PUG, A MUG, A LUG

A REGULAR DIME CUP OF JAVAWITH A RACING FORM

A LITTLE HUNK OF HAPPINESSNAMED TOMMY.

JUST ROLLED INTO TOWNAND, BOY, ARE MY RIBS SORE.

( scattered laughter )

OKAY, IT WAS A STUPID JOKE,BUT THAT'S MY JOB.

IT'S WHAT I DO.

OUT THERE'S THE CITY.

THERE ARE TEN MILLION STORIESIN BIGTOWN

EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE--SOMEBODY'S LYING.

( scattered laughter )

MY PROBLEM TONIGHT?A BAD HANGOVER.

WHY?

DRINKING.

TOSSING DOWN THE HOOCH,THE SAUCE, THE SLAKE

THE APPLEJACK,THE HIGH-OCTANE ETHYL

THE POWERFUL BUG JUICE,THE HYDRAULIC SANDWICHES.

( laughter )

I WOKE UP THIS MORNINGWITH A BAD HANGOVER.

I WAS SWEATINGLIKE A BEACH FULL OF ALBINOS.

( laughter )

MY FACE FELT LIKE I'D LOSTA SLAPPING CONTEST

WITH EDWARD SCISSORHANDS.

( laughter )

YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,"WHY THE BIG DRINKING BINGE?

"WHAT'S THE SKINNY,THE SCAM, THE SCOOP, THE MEMO

THE HEADLINE, THE BLAB--WHAT'S THE STORY?"

IT'S AN OLD STORY,AS OLD AS THIS CRAZY GLOBE

WOBBLING AROUNDON ITS AXIS LIKE A DRUNK

WITH ONE FOOTNAILED TO THE FLOOR.

YEAH, YOU'VE GUESSED IT ALREADY;IT WAS A DAME.

CALL ME A SAP.

Man:SAP.

THANKS, I NEEDED THAT.

SHE WAS A BOMBSHELL,A TEMPTRESS, A TEASER

A SIZZLE DISPLAY, A DISH,A DAME, A DOLL

A DUAL-GAM, MONO-TORSO,FULLY AUTOMATIC

PERPETUAL-MOTIONHEARTBREAKING MACHINE.

( laughter and whooping )

THAT'S THE WAYI FELT ABOUT HER, TOO.

IN THE BEGINNING,WHAT DID I KNOW ABOUT DAMES?

I WAS GREENERTHAN A BULLFROG'S NIPPLE.

( laughter )

I WENT RIGHT OUT AND BOUGHT HERA DIAMOND SO BIG

IT NEEDED A DIMMER SWITCH.

SHE SAID, "THANKS, BYE."

SHE ANKLED IT, LAMMED IT, SPLIT,POUNDED HER DOGS

USED OUR APARTMENTAS A LAUNCHING PAD

FOR ANYWHERE ELSE, U.S.A.

( laughter )

IT'S TOUGHFOR A GUY FROM THE '40s

BEING ALONE AGAIN,DATING IN THE '90s.

I FIND MYSELF IN SOME GORGEOUSDAME'S APARTMENT LATE AT NIGHT--

FIRST DATE.

I REALIZE, "WAIT A MINUTE--

I DON'T HAVE A CONDOM."

( laughter )

I ASK MYSELF,"WHAT WOULD MacGYVER DO?"

( laughter )

BUT SHE'S GONE NOW.

I'M NOT COMPLETELY ALONE;I GOT THE GORGEOUS SECRETARY.

HER NAME IS DOTTIE LEE KRAVITZ.

SHE'S TOUGH-- SHE'S GOTA CRUEL SENSE OF HUMOR.

SHE LIKES TO GIVE ME THESE--LISTS OF ERRANDS TO RUN DOWNTOWN

JUST TO SEE ME GET IN TROUBLE.

"DROP PANTS AT CLEANERS."

I SPENT 30 DAYSIN THE BIG HOUSE OVER THAT ONE.

( laughter )

BAD STUFF GOING ON OUT THERE.

YEAH, SCAMS COMING DOWNFROM WASHINGTON, D.C.

SCAMS COMINGRIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVETO LEAVE YOUR DOOR NOW.

IT COMES RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR.

I GOT A SYSTEM WORKED OUT

FOR GETTING RID OF MOONIES,JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES, SALESMEN

WITHOUT EVEN LEAVING THE COUCH.

I HEAR THAT KNOCK, I SAY,"YEAH, I'M HOME.

"I'M ALWAYS HOME NOW

SINCE THEY FIRED MEDOWN AT THE POST OFFICE."

( applause and laughter )

( whistling )

"I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

I GOT TO GET SOMETHING FIRST."

( laughter )

THEY LAY RUBBER...

AND THEY DON'T COME BACK.

SOME KID, SOME BURGLARINOBROKE INTO MY PAD

MY PERCH, MY PEARL,MY DIGS, MY LAIR

TRIED TO RIP OFFWHAT HE THOUGHT WAS MY BICYCLE.

IT WAS AN EXERCYCLE.

HE DIDN'T GET FAR.

SCUFFLE BROKE OUT.

IT WAS TIMEFOR THE WRESTLING HOLDS.

I CRUSHED HIM INTO A FULL-BODYLAWN CHAIR FOLD-UP

TWISTED HIM INTOA SPRINKLER HEAD SWIVEL SPIT

WITH A REVERSE RAINBIRD ROTATE.

KID WAS LOOKING AT HIMSELFFROM A WHOLE NEW ANGLE.

"YOU GOING TO CALL THE COPS?"HE SAID

HIS VOICE MUFFLEDBY HIS OWN SCROTUM.

( laughter )

I SAID, "NO, KID,I'M NOT GOING TO CALL THE COPS

"EVEN THOUGH YOU TRIEDTO SUNUNU MY EXERCYCLE.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE:THE WAY YOU'RE GOING

"YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UPIN THE BIG HOUSE, THE CALABOZO

"THE WALLS, THE HOLE, THE PIT

"THE HARD YARD,THE CONVICT CONDO.

"I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BEINGON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.

I WAS ARRESTED FOR THATLAST NIGHT MYSELF."

THE KID AND IARE LIKE THAT NOW.

THE GOVERNMENTIS RUNNING SCAMS ON US.

THE C.I.A. HAS FINALLY ADMITTED

THEY'RE TRYINGTO ELIMINATE SADDAM HUSSEIN.

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

HE'S NOT GOINGTO FALL FOR THAT OLD

"LET'S TAKE A MOTORCADETHROUGH DALLAS" TRICK.

( laughter and scattered applause )

AND IN 1993, THE POST OFFICEIS COMING OUT

WITH AN ELVIS STAMP.

IN 1993-- IT DOESN'T EXIST YET.

THERE'S ALREADYBEEN SIGHTINGS OF IT.

( laughter )

IT DOESN'T EXIST.

SO MANY SCAMS.

THEY DUG UP ZACHARY TAYLORAT TAXPAYERS' EXPENSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

NOT EXACTLY A CODE BLUE,SECTION 205, ALL UNITS RESPOND.

SOMETHING ABOUT POISON CHERRIES.

THE TWO MAIN SUSPECTSWERE HENRY CLAY

WHO WAS FAMOUS FOR HAVING SAID

"I'D RATHER BE RIGHTTHAN PRESIDENT"

AND MILLARD FILLMORE

WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BETHE VICE-PRESIDENT AT THE TIME

FAMOUS FOR HAVING SAID

"HOW ABOUT SOMEMORE COBBLER THERE, ZACK?"

THEN THEY CLAIMTHE RESULTS OF THE AUTOPSY

WOULDN'T BE OUT FOR TWO WEEKS.

THE KILLER COULD BEMILES AWAY BY THEN.

SO MANY SCAMS

GOING ON DOWN THERE.

I MET MY PAL THE TIPSTER.

WE POUNDED OUR DOGS UP AND DOWNTALKING ABOUT THE OLD DAYS--

THE '40s, THE '50s, W.W. II

THE BIG ONE, THE HOT ONE,THE HARD ONE, THE LONG ONE.

TOO BAD ABOUTTHE KAMIKAZE PILOTS.

HAD TO DO ALL THEIR BRAGGINGAHEAD OF TIME.

TIPS AND I PASSED THIS GUY,A CERTIFIED WEIRDO.

HAD A BUTTON ON THAT SAID, "ASKME ABOUT MY VOW OF SILENCE."

( laughter )

I DID.

HE WOULDN'T TELL ME

A DAMN THING.

WELL, YOU PEOPLEHAVE BEEN REAL NICE

BUT THIS JOINT IS HEATING UP.

ME, I'M GOING TO BLOW THIS TOWNAND, BOY, WILL MY LIPS BE TIRED.

THANKS A LOT.

I CAN'T WAIT

FOR MY MOM'S BAR MITZVAH

BECAUSE MY MOTHERIS GOING TO BE 13.

SHE JUST CALLED ME.

"I'M NOT 42, I'M 13.

I'M BEING BAS MITZVAHED."

I GUESS PEOPLEWHEN THEY GET PAST 70...

70, BY THE WAY, IN YIDDISHMEANS "SALT OF THE EARTH."

YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT SHE'S...

I UNDERSTAND.

I ENJOY BEING AROUND MOMAND THE FAMILY DURING HOLIDAYS

BUT IT WAS A LITTLE PSYCHOTICGROWING UP

AND I DON'T KNOCK PSYCHOSIS--

IT'S A SERIOUS ILLNESS.

I MEAN, WE WEREN'TVERY RELIGIOUS.

WE HAD A MENORAH,A HANUKKAH MENORAH ON A DIMMER.

( laughter )

AND WE HAD A LITTLE HANUKKAHBUSH, WE HAD A CHRISTMAS TREE--

I WAS GOING NUTS.

IT WASN'T HANUKKAH,IT WASN'T CHRISTMAS.

WE HAD CHRANIKKAH,WE CELEBRATED CHRANIKKAH.

( laughter )

CHRISTMAS IS VERY COOL.

THE FIRST DAY, BOOM, BYTHE FIREPLACE, SANTA COMES DOWN

AND IF YOU KIDS ARE WATCHING...HE REALLY COMES DOWN.

YOU GET EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

HANUKKAH, THE FIRST NIGHTYOU GET THE BEST GIFTS

THEN IT GETS SORT OF CRAPPYTOWARDS THE END.

LIKE THE SEVENTH DAY YOU GO,"WOW, THANKS, POP"--

AN 8 x 10 GLOSSYOF SOUPY SALES OR SOMETHING.

AND I LOVE THE SOUPER,DON'T GET ME WRONG.

( laughter )

THEN NEW YEAR'S EVE WAS A DRAG.

WE'D GO TO MY GRANDMOTHER'SAPARTMENT IN BROOKLYN

AND AT MIDNIGHTWE'D WATCH OUR HOPES DROP

BUT WE'D HAVE OUR EXCUSE MAKERS

AND WE'D BE SHAKINGTHOSE THINGS.

WE PLAYED MUSICAL ARGUMENTS--

THAT WAS HIP.

WHEN THE YELLING STOPPED:"FIND A BRIDGE CHAIR!"

MY NAME IS HUGH FINK.

IN FACT, THAT'S MY REAL NAME.

WHEN I WAS KID, I SAID,"DAD, IS HUGH SHORT FOR HUBERT?"

HE SAID, "NO, IT'S LONG FOR( aspirates the sound of "H" )."

( laughter )

I GREW UP IN INDIANA,BLUEGRASS CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

WHICH IS STRANGE BECAUSEWE HAD A CLASSICAL RADIO STATION

WITH A COUNTRY-WESTERN FORMAT.

( playing Rossini overture )

( drawling: )YOU BEEN LISTENING

TO ROSSINI'S OVERTURE LA GAZZA LADRA

WHICH IS I-TALIAN FOR"ALL MY EXES LIVE IN TEXAS."

( laughter )

( cheering )

MY PARENTS STILL LIVEIN INDIANA.

I'VE BEEN IN CALIFORNIAFIVE YEARS.

MY FOLKS DO NOT UNDERSTANDTIME ZONES.

I TALK TO THEM ONCE A WEEK; SAMECONVERSATION OVER THE PHONE:

( with Midwestern inflection: )"WELL, IT'S 8:00 HERE.

"WHAT IS IT?6:00 THERE, HUH?... HUH?

"WELL, IT'S 1:30 HERE.

"WHAT IS IT?9:30 THERE, HUH?... HUH?

"IT'S MONDAY HERE. WHAT IS IT?WEDNESDAY THERE, HUH?

"IT'S SUMMER HERE.WHAT IS IT? WINTER THERE, HUH?

"WELL, WITH THE INDUSTRIALREVOLUTION HERE

WHAT IS IT?THE PALEOLITHIC ERA THERE, HUH?"

( scattered laughter )

I WENT TO COLLEGE OUT OF STATE.

MY FATHER SAID IF I NEEDED CASH

MAKE A COLLECT CALLFROM HUGH BROKE.

THAT WAY HE'DWIRE ME THE MONEY

WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAYFOR THE PHONE CALL.

I MADE A COLLECT CALLFROM HUGH BROKE.

A MINUTE LATER, MY PHONE RINGS:"WE HAVE A PERSON-TO-PERSON CALL

FOR MR. HUGH BROKEFROM ROB BANK."

( laughter )

I RESPECT MY FATHER'S OPINIONSON CURRENT SOCIAL ISSUES.

I SAID, "DAD, DO YOU THINKA FAMILY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT

TO WITHDRAW LIFE SUPPORTON A LOVED ONE?"

"WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHICH KID."

I FOLLOW SPORTS,AND I THINK BASEBALL

IS THE MOST INTELLECTUAL SPORTWE HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

I SAW A GAME ON TV.

THEY PUT A WIRELESS MIKEAROUND THE FIRST-BASE COACH.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW CRUCIALTHE FIRST-BASE COACH IS

HELPING THE TEAM WITH STRATEGY,TILL I HEARD THIS FOR TWO HOURS:

( as sports announcer: )NOW BATTING, BOBBY BONILLA.

( clapping )

( with nasal voice: )COME ON, BOBBY.

( clapping )

COME ON, BOBBY.

( scattered laughter )

COME ON, BOBBO.

COME ON, BOBITA.

( as announcer: )BATTING NEXT, BARRY BONDS.

( with nasal voice: )COME ON, BARRY.

COME ON, BAR' BOY.

( as announcer: )STEPPING TO THE PLATE...

ANDREAS GALARRAGA.

( scattered laughter )

COME ON, BOBBY.

( laughter )

BOBBO.

( applause )

MY DAD USED TO TAKE MEFOR CHINESE FOOD

AFTER BASEBALL GAMES

BUT I DON'T GOTO CHINESE RESTAURANTS ANYMORE.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

I CAN'T TELL WHEN THE WAITERSARE BEING SARCASTIC.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"THE KUNG PAO CHICKEN--IS THAT SPICY?"

( with Chinese accent: )"NO, SWEET."

( scattered laughter )

"I ORDERED EGG ROLLSAN HOUR AGO."

( with Chinese accent: )"I KNOW-- THANKS FOR REMINDING ME."

"I'M A COMEDIAN, HERE ARESOME TICKETS TO MY SHOW."

"I'M SUREYOU'RE VERY FUNNY MAN."

( laughter )

IN LOS ANGELES I NEVER CALLCHINESE DELIVERY PLACES.

THEY'RE WAY TOO THOROUGH.

"HI, I'D LIKETO PLACE AN ORDER."

( with Chinese accent: )"OH, IS THIS HUGH FINK?"

"YES, HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?"

"WE HAVE YOUR VOICEON COMPUTER VOICEPRINT."

"COULD I TELL YOUWHAT FOOD I'D LIKE?"

"WE ALREADY KNOW--HE BE THERE IN THREE MINUTES."

( laughter )

"WAIT A MINUTE, I'M LEAVINGMY APARTMENT FOR TWO HOURS."

"THAT'S OKAY

"WE HAVE A LOCKSMITH BREAKIN YOUR APARTMENT-- NO PROBLEM.

"BY THE WAY,YOUR PLANTS NEED WATERING.

"THEY LOOK LIKE CRAP.

"ONE MORE THING,YOUR GIRLFRIEND--

SHE FAKE ORGASM."

( laughter and applause )

AND AS GREAT A COMEDIANAS HENNY IS--

HE JUST CELEBRATEDHIS 50th ANNIVERSARY

AS KING OF THE ONE-LINERS--

MAYBE HE SHOULD STEP DOWNBECAUSE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT

I THINK HENNY'S GETTING A LITTLESENILE WITH THE PUNCH LINES.

( playing simple tune like Youngman )

( as Henny: )"A GUY COMES UP TO MEON THE STREET

SAYS HE HASN'T HAD A BITE IN AWEEK SO I GAVE HIM A SANDWICH."

( laughter )

"I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

"I SAY, 'DOC, IT HURTSWHEN I GO LIKE THIS.'

DOCTOR SAYS,'MAYBE YOU GOT ARTHRITIS.'"

( laughter )

"MY WIFE IS SO FAT--

WHEN SHE STANDS AROUNDTHE HOUSE, SHE EATS LIKE A PIG."

( laughter )

"A MAN GOESINTO A RESTAURANT:

'WAITER, WHAT'S THIS FLYDOING IN MY SOUP?'

"WAITER SAYS, 'SORRY, WE GOTA PROBLEM WITH INSECTS.'"

( laughter )

"TAKE MY WIFE... FOR EXAMPLE."

( laughter )

( applause and cheering )

THANKS.

( playing blues music )

( with rasping voice: )♪ WHEN I WAS A BOY

♪ GOING DOWNTHE FISHIN' HOLE ♪

♪ MY DADDY CAUGHT CATFISH

♪ I GOT FILET OF SOLE.

♪ I PUT ON A TUXEDO

♪ AND SOME BLACK LEATHER SHOES

♪ MY DADDY SAID, "SON...

♪ YOU GOTTHE STRADIVARIUS BLUES." ♪

♪ I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT

♪ DRINKING GIN AND TONIC

♪ WHEN I GROOVE TO THE BEAT

♪ OF THE NEW YORKPHILHARMONIC. ♪

♪ THEY SAY THAT MADONNA

♪ HAS A NICE BODY

♪ BUT SHE CAN'T BOOGIE

♪ LIKE MY MAN PAVAROTTI.

♪ IF YOU LIKE ROCK AND ROLL

♪ YOU'LL LOVE MOTLEY CRUES

♪ BUT THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING

♪ THE STRADIVARIUS BLUES.

♪ THIS SONG IS ABOUT OVER

♪ IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GO

♪ I'M HEADING TO VIENNA

♪ WITH MY FIDDLE AND BOW

♪ GOING TO PAY MY RESPECTS

♪ TO A CAT WHO PAID DUES

♪ HERE LIES AMADEUS MOZART,THE ONLY MAN EVER TO DIE ♪

♪ WITH THEMSTRADIVARIUS BLUES. ♪

( laughter and whistling )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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