Dueling Hats

  • Season 2, Ep 10
  • 11/28/2012

One man's bikini-clad woman is another man's mystery, and two friends step up their hat game.

[wind blowing]

[footsteps]

[ominous music]

- THERE'S GOTTA BE ANOTHERHUMAN BEING OUT THERE.

SOMEWHERE.

IT'S BEEN 173 DAYSSINCE THE UNDOING.

TODAY, I MAY BETHE LAST MAN ALIVE.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ANOTHER,I WILL FIND THEM.

THE LONELINESSIS MORE THAN I CAN--

[scooter engine revs]

- WHOO-HOO!

YEAH! WHEE!

HA HA!

WHOO-HOO. YO.[engine shuts off]

AHH.LET ME GET SOME OF THAT.

MM. MMM.MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

[dance music]OH, YEAH!

[muffled]THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE!

WHOO!

HAZZAH!

WAH, SHAKIKAH!WAH, SHASLIKAH!

OOH, Y'ALL DON'T KNOWNOTHIN' ABOUT THAT.

MM, MM.PTT-PTT-PTT-PTT.

OH, HEY BABY,HOW YOU DOING?

[grunts]YEAH!

WHAT,ALL DAY, BABY!

[grunts]

YEAH![thuds]

WHOA, HEY!DUDE!

UM, HEY, I'LL--I'LL COME OVER THERE.

DUDE! HEY!

I'LL COME TO YOU, MAN.

[gunshot][gun clicks]

[gunshot]

[music ends]

- OKAY, THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHERHUMAN BEING OUT THERE...

SOMEWHERE.

[indistinct television]

- UM, HI.ARE YOU EARL PEELE?

- WHO THE HELL WANT TO KNOW?

- [exhales sharply]

I THINK I'M YOUR SON,JORDAN PEELE.

- OH, OKAY, I SEE.

COME ON IN HERE FOR A MINUTE.

CLOSE THE DOOR ON THE WAY IN.- ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, MAN, GO AHEADAND HAVE A SEAT THERE.

I'M GONNA EXPLAIN SOMETHINGTO YOU.

- OKAY.

[both sigh,, sniff, grunt]

- I AIN'T YOUR DAD.

ALL RIGHT,I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BUT THAT'STHE SITUATION, BROTHER.

- ARE YOU--YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- HUH?- WE'RE DOING THE SAME THING.

I-I ALWAYS DO THIS.I ALWAYS SCRATCH

THE BACK OF MY NECKLIKE THIS

WHENEVER I'M INAN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION.

- SCRATCH MY NECK, MAN.EVERYBODY SCRATCH THEIR NECK.

I BREATHE IN AND OUT TOO, MAN.NOW EVERYBODY MY KID?

- OKAY, LOOK AT THIS.

THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME WHENI WAS A BABY.

THAT'S MY FATHER.

- THAT AIN'T ME.

MAN, LOOK, LOOK, MAN,LOOK AT THAT DUDE'S AFRO.

LOOK, I GOT THISGOING ON, MAN.

MY HAIR IS GRAY,HE GOT BLACK HAIR.

I MEAN, HE HANDSOME AS HELL,BUT I AIN'T NOBODY'S DADDY.

- I'M SORRY.

I'VE JUST BEEN LOOKINGFOR HIM EVERYWHERE.

- YEAH, YEAH.I'M SURE YOU HAVE.

- IT'S JUST,I GOT MY OWN TV SHOW NOW.

[sighs]

I DON'T KNOW,I JUST--

I KNOW THAT WHEREVER HE IS,HE--HE WOULD BE PROUD.

- Y-YOU GOT YOUR OWN TV SHOW,HUH?

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- YEAH,I'M PRODUCING AND ACTING.

- MM, OH, YOU, OH,YOU PRODUCING AND ACTING!

RIGHT, OKAY, YEAH, THAT--OH, THAT--THAT'S MY BOY.

[laughs]- [laughs]

- YEAH, LOOK AT THAT, MAN,WE DOING THE SAME THING.

WHAT IS THAT?HOLY [bleep].

THAT'S GENES RIGHT THERE, MAN.'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT

UNLESS YOU SHARING MAD GENESWITH SOMEBODY.

IT'S GOT TO BE IN YOUR DNAs.- NO.

- [gasps] OH!- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU MY SON.- NO.

- MY BABY BOY!- THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

- YOU COME BACK HOME, MAN.

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH,LITTLE MAN!

- OKAY, HEY, STOP IT.STOP--GET OFF, GET OFF!

JUST GET OFF--GET OFF!- GET OFF, WHA--OH, HEY.

OH.- [sighs]

WHEN I FIRST CAME TO YOUR DOOR,YOU WOULDN'T EVEN ACKNOW--

OKAY.- OKAY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE--

- I FIRST CAME IN HERE--- STOP THAT!

- WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE,YOU WOULDN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT I COULD POSSIBLYBE YOUR SON.

BUT NOW,ONLY AFTER I TELL YOU

THAT I HAVE MY OWN SHOWON COMEDY CENTRAL--

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.COMEDY CENTRAL?

GET THE [bleep]OUT OF MY HOUSE!

- I'M GOING TO BE HONESTWITH YOU, SAMUEL.

ADOPTION CAN BEA LONG, DIFFICULT PROCESS.

- I'M SORRY, WE SHOULDPROBABLY WAIT FOR MY PARTNER.

- OKAY.- HE SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.

- WE HAVIN' A BABY!

♪ WE HAVIN' A BABY!

♪ WE GONNA RAISE IT,AND FEED IT, AND CHANGE IT ♪

♪ AND DRESS IT UPLIKE A PEAPOD ♪

HELLO, SAMMY.

- YOU MUST BE LASHAWN.

- OOH!YOU MUST BE "LE-CORRECT."

- OKAY, WELL,WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING

YOUR OPTIONS FOR ADOPTION.

- AND HOW DIFFICULT IT ISTO ACTUALLY BE APPROVED.

- OH, WELL YOU CAN JUST PUTUS ON THE LIST

WITH A GOLD STAR AND A CHECKAND A "A-PLUS"

BECAUSE WE WANT THIS BABY, LIKE,YESTER-DOODLE.

- WELL, AS I TOLD YOUR HUSBAND,IT CAN BE

AN EXTREMELY LONGWAITING PERIOD.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

AND IT'S EVEN HARDFOR STRAIGHT COUPLES TO ADOPT,

SO DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP--- OH!

WELL, YOU TELL THEM BABY PEOPLETHAT WE ARE GOING TO BE

THE BEST PARENTS EVER.

BECAUSE WE GONNA BE STRICT,BUT ALSO FUN.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,EVERYBODY GONNA HAVE TO CLEAN UP

AFTER TUESDAY NIGHTDRESS-UP PARADE.

- I...DO NOT KNOWWHAT THAT IS.

- [gasps]- I--

- OH, EVERY DAY GONNA HAVEA DIFFERENT THEME.

- IS IT?- SO, FOR INSTANCE,

MONDAY, THAT'S GONNA BE"UNDER THE SEA" DAY.

TUESDAY, THAT'S GONNA BE"DRESS-UP PARADE."

WEDNESDAY GONNA BE BASEDON THE CHINESE CALENDAR.

THURSDAY GONNA BE♪ "SING WHAT YA DOING" DAY

- OKAY, AND YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY--- AND THEN FRIDAY--

- IT MIGHT BE VERY DIFFICULT

WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE KIDS,LASHAWN.

- KIDS? DO YOU WANTTO ADOPT MORE THAN ONE CHILD?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT!- ABSOLUTELY-TUTELY!

- IT CAN SPEED THINGS UP

IF YOU'RE WILLINGTO ADOPT SIBLINGS TOGETHER.

- SAMMY, WE CAN GET A SET.- WHY?

- SAMMY, WE CAN GET A SET!- WE'RE NOT GETTING A SET.

- OOH![clicks tongue]

WE COULD DRESS THEM UPLIKE COMPANION OBJECTS.

LIKE A BAT AND A BALL,OR A KITE IN THE WIND.

- SEE?LASHAWN GETS CARRIED AWAY, SO--

- IF YOU REALLY WANTTO EXPEDITE THE PROCESS,

YOU COULD ADOPTA SPECIAL NEEDS BABY.

- MISS, YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE!- YES!

YES, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.A SPECIAL NEEDS KID,

PREFERABLY ONE WITH WHITE EYESAND CAN TELL THE FUTURE.

- OKAY, SO NOW WE'RE GETTINGA SPECIAL NEEDS KID.

UH, LASHAWN,THERE'S A LOT OF EXTRA COST

WHEN YOU GET A DISABLED CHILD,BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT, ACTUALLY,

"SPECIAL NEEDS" MEANS.- COME ON.

WE AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAVETO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN!

- HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

- 'CAUSE WE GONNA STARTA FAMILY BAND,

CALLED"LASHAWN AND THE SAM-SATIONS."

AND, OOH! HOW MANY TIMESCAN YOU CHANGE A CHILD'S NAME?

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS SYSTEM.

AND IT'S A LITTLE BITOF AN OUT-THERE IDEA,

BUT I THINK IF YOU REALLYSET UP A SYSTEM

WHERE IF YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD,YOU GET A BETTER NAME.

SO IF YOUR NAME IS ALLISTERONE DAY,

YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD,YOUR NAME COULD BE POPEYE.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE HERE TO SAY,

IS THAT WE ARE THE NEWBLACK PANTHER PARTY.

- WHAT'S THE BIGGEST PROBLEMFACING THE MOVEMENT?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,WE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS ERA

OF SO-CALLEDPOST-RACIAL HARMONY,

WITH ALL PEOPLE IN AMERICA.

BUT US BLACKS ARE BEING MURDEREDALL OVER THE PLACE,

AND WE GET THE SAME TREATMENTTIME AND TIME AGAIN.

WE'RE NOT EVENSECOND-CLASS CITIZENS.

WE THIRD-CLASS.STAND UP, BLACK AMERICA,

AND DECLARE TO WHITE AMERICA

THAT WE AREN'T GONNA TAKE THISNO MORE, OKAY?

- WHY COME OUT NOW AND SAY THIS?- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU HAD 400 YEARSTO GET IT RIGHT, AMERICA.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOWTO TREAT YOUR PEOPLE.

ALL PEOPLE.IT'S TIME TO STAND UP.

IT'S TIME TO TAKE BACK.IT'S TIME FOR US TO FIGHT BACK.

AND WE DON'T TAKEYOUR PHONY WORDS ANYMORE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA DO IT.WE WANT CONCRETE RESULTS.

YOU KNOW, YOU--YOU HEARWHAT WE'RE SAYING TO YOU,

"UNITED SNAKES OF AMERICA"?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHENTHE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING

AND NO ONEIS SAYING ANYTHING?

WE WILL NOT BE SILENT.

- OKAY, YOU, SIR.ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO SAY?

- OH, ME?NO, I'M GOOD.

- [sighs]

- IN WHAT UNIVERSEIS THE FAMILY CIRCUS

BETTER THAN DILBERT?FOR INSTANCE--OH.

YO, WHAT'S UP, MAN?HOW YOU...

BEEN?- OH, YOU KNOW, CUZ.

KEEPIN' IT STRAIGHT.

[suspenseful percussive music]

YOU KNOW.- ALL RIGHT, COOL.

WELL, I GUESSI'LL CHECK YOU LATER.

- ALL RIGHT, DOG.

WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEENWAS RAIN PEOPLE,

WITH JAMES CAANAND SHIRLEY KNIGHT.

- YO.

- UH, WHAT'S UP, MAN?- [laughs]

[suspenseful percussive music]

- YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?

- YEAH, MAN, UM...

HOW'S DENISE?

- OH, YEAH, DENISE.SHE GOOD, SHE GOOD, SHE GOOD.

ANYWAY, GUESS I'LL CATCH YOUON THE FLIP.

- YEAH, DOG, YEAH.AIN'T NO THING.

- COME ON, STICK IT.

- I'M IN THERE, DOG.- COME ON.

- NO, I'M IN THERE, DOG.I'M IN THERE.

- TUCK IT.- I'M IN THERE.

- TUCK IT.- I'M TUCKIN' IT IN, BROTHER.

I'M IN THERE, DOG.I'M IN THERE, DOG.

I'M IN THERE, DOG.

- YOU KNOW.ALL RIGHT.

[suspenseful percussive music]

- OH.

HUH, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW,YOU GOTTA COME REAL,

COME CORRECT, WHEN YOU COMINGAT ALL, YOU KNOW?

[laughs]THAT'S BASICALLY HOW I ROLL.

[sewing machine humming]IF YOU AIN'T GOT--IF YOU AIN'T--

[slow jazz music]

- [snores]

- HEY, UNCLE TED.- AH! [laughs]

- OH, GEEZ.WHOO!

SORRY, UNCLE TED, MAN.- OH, KEITH.

I GOT YOU, DIDN'T I?- YEAH, YOU GOT ME, MAN.

YOU GOT ME PRETTY GOOD.- OH.

- SO WHAT'S GOING ON TODAY?

- OH, JUST THE USUAL,YOUNG BUCK.

JUST ANOTHER DAYAT THE LAUNDROMAT.

- YEAH.- WHY, PEOPLE COME IN,

THEY DO THEIR LAUNDRY,

WE CHAT IT UP ABOUTSOME OF THE TOPICS OF THE DAY.

THAT'S JUST ANOTHER DAYHANGING AT THE 'MAT.

[distant laughter]

- I WONDER WHAT'S GOING ONIN THE BARBERSHOP TODAY?

SURE LOOKS LIKETHEY'RE HAVING FUN OVER THERE.

- FORGET ALL THAT, KID.

COME ON, WE GOTOUR OWN ASSORTMENT

OF COLORFUL CHARACTERSRIGHT HERE IN THE 'MAT!

COME ON.

- HEY, THERE.YOU NEED ANY MORE QUARTERS?

- NOPE.

- [laughs] OKAY.OKAY, HILARIOUS.

OH! HEY THERE,MS. DEMETRIUS.

YOU NEED SOME MORE QUARTERS?

OH-HO, SHE DIDN'T HEAR ME.

- THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM,UNCLE TED.

YOU KNOW, ALL THAT NOISE UP INHERE FROM THE MACHINES RUNNING,

AND IT'S KIND OF HOT.

- LOUD AND HOT?SOUND LIKE MY OLD LADY.

[distant laughter]

- BILLY DEE WILLIAMSIS IN THERE NOW.

HE'S LANDO CALRISSIAN.

HE RUNS CLOUD CITY.[all hooting, laughing]

- OH!

- YEAH, BABY!- ALL RIGHT!

- BUT, UH, DAMN IT, KEITH!WHAT I TELL YA?

WE GOT IT GOING ON RIGHT HEREAT THE 'MAT, BABY!

- UNCLE TED,I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I GOT MY OWNWASHER AND DRYER MONTHS AGO.

I JUST KEEP HANGING OUT HERE

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOUTO FEEL BAD.

- OH, YOU DIDN'T WANT METO FEEL BAD.

GOT YOUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER.ALL RIGHT.

OH, YOU'RE BIG-TIMING ME NOW.OKAY, I SEE HOW IT IS.

HEY, WELL,YOUR SHIRT AIN'T CLEAN,

YOUR PANTS AIN'T CLEAN.

YOU CAN'T GET A GOOD WASH ON ONEOF THEM HOME WASHER AND DRYERS.

- UNCLE TED.I'M--I'M GOING.

- UH, NO, NO, NO.WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.LET'S HAVE SOME FUN!

WE--YOU CAN GET INONE OF THE LAUNDRY CARTS

AND I CAN PUSH YOU AROUND!

- NOPE.I'M OUT OF HERE.

- DON'T--WAIT--WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HOLD ON THERE, KEITH.KEITH!

[distant laughter]

- AND IF THAT DON'T WORK,THEN YOU DO A LITTLE TAP DANCE.

AND THEN YOU GO,I'M YOUR MAN.

- I'M YOUR MAN![laughter]

- ALL RIGHT.

WELCOME TO THE BARBERSHOP,YOUNG MAN.

- YOU'RE BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.- YEAH, YEAH, HOW YOU DOING?

- I'M GOOD,THANK YOU SO MUCH, MAN.

- ALL RIGHT,COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

- YEAH.- COULD YOU LET GO OF MY HAND?

[laughter]

- OKAY.OH, THANKS, MAN.

OH, HOW YOU DOING, MAN?[laughter]

[soul music]

- Good afternoon, my nameis Vandaveon Huggins.

This is my associate andcollaborator Mike Taylor.

- 'Sup.

- And we're backfor a second season,

critiquing "Key & Peele."

But, of course,this is our own show,

commonly know nowas "The Critic's Corner."

We are success, bona fide.

The numbers do speakfor themselves.

So y'all had just seenthe scene, right,

with them assassins and the birdand everything like that.

- Slow motion.- Oh, the slow motion scene.

[opera music]

- So we thought that maybe,you know,

other than the slow--what's that?

- Speed itup a little bit.

- Y'all need to speed it upa little bit, man.

It's, like, too slow,and the problem is,

you only gonna get, like,half the jokes.

See, if you workingwith regular speed,

then you get all the right jokesin the right place.

Another problem is--what's that?

- Density.

- Yeah, you get more density.

You get more density.

Wait, I don't know what that--go ahead, tell them.

- [clicks tongue]

You good.

- Density.

[phone ringing]- Hold up a second, man.

- Hold up, that's Mike's phone.

- It's Clarence.

- Oh, it's Clarence?

- That shitwas funny, right?

- We doing the showright now, dawg.

102,380.

- Point 'em at the--tell 'em to say, "Hi, Clarence."

- Hey, what's up, Clarence?

What's up, Clarence?

- No, point the phoneat the thing.

Tell him to say hi.

- What's up, Clarence?

- This niggabeing stupid.

This niggabeing stupid.

- Another thingy'all could do is, um,

is do the same thingover and over again.

Like, when he trip and falland then get up,

then he just trip again.- That was funny--yeah.

- And then could get upand then trip again.

And of course, the thing thatwould of course make it funnier

is if he were to tripover his own dick.

- ♪ Dum-dum-dum There.

- Always funnier.

- You got to talkabout this one.

I thought you were gonnasay something else too.

- You thought I wasgonna say something else?

- I thought youwere gonna say he tripped

and land on a dickin his mouth.

- That's even better,if he tripped,

and there was a random dickon the ground,

and he was just like,"Shu-bup-bup."

Like this, right?

And then when he come up,he's like...

- This niggabeing stupid.

- How'd I get a dickin my mouth?

[laughter]

How'd I get this dickin my mouth?

[laughter]

- Being stupid.

- See?Laughing.

- [coughing]

- Yo, I got Mike.

We got Mike messed upback here, right?

- Comments.- What's that?

- Comments.

- Oh, we gonna do some commentson the show this year.

We figured, you know, peoplewant us to respond to them.

So we gonna do thatright now, okay?

- Like, interactive.- Hit me with a comment, Mike.

- All right.

- Just pick one, nigga.

Pick a comment.

- I'm saying,I'm doing it.

Katie McFucker12 says,

"This really confused

my little brainfor a second, LOL."

- Okay, Katie McFucker12...

- [snickering]

- First of all, that name...

- It's good, right?

- That nameis funny as hell.

- It's stupid,stupid.

Katie McFucker.

- Katie McFucker12.

That's my shit, right there.

- Good idea.- That's funny.

- Being stupid, though.

- You know, if it's confusing,

I would just watchmore and more of them.

And then what will hopefullyhappen for you in the long run

is that you'll start--your brain will,

inside of your head...- Will sink in.

- Will start to grow,and then you will get smarter.

- Develop--you developed a language.

- Yeah, you--yeah, that's right.

Thank you for your comment,Katie McFucker12.

That's good,that shit is funny.

- Shit's good.It's a good name.

- Name's funny.

But right here,click to subscribe.

Why am I mad?