Monday, September 21, 2015

  • 09/21/2015

Jessica Lowe, John Hodgman and Ron Funches invent socially conscious snacks, list #OneLetterOffSongs and give questionable directions using Google Street View.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

LET'S START THE SHOW "BLACKMIRROR"-STYLE. THIS HAPPENED

IN ENGLAND, WHICH IS VERYMERRY INDEED, IF YOU ARE A

DEAD PIG WHO IS INTOORAL.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHRISHARDWICK?

ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK,PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON PUT

HIS PENIS IN THE MOUTH OF A DEADPIG AS PART OF SOME RICH PEOPLE

SHENANIGANS WHEN HE-- I'MRICH, I'M GOING TO [BLEEP] A

PIG. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHINGABOUT IT.

I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TODO?

SO THE BOOK "CALL ME DAVE" ISA NEW OINK-ALL BIOGRAPHY OF

CAMERON.

I KNOW, THAT JOKE WAS ALITTLE ON THE SNOUT, I

APOLOGIZE.>> BOO.

SHUT UP, JOHN HODGMAN.

IF YOU BOO THAT JOKE YOUSUPPORT DEAD PIG [BLEEP].

>> I'LL STAND BY IT.

>> Chris: THE BOOK CLAIMS THEINCIDENT TOOK PLACE WHILE HE WAS

BEING INITIATED TO THE PIERSGAVESTON, A SECRET SOCIETY

KNOWN FOR ITS PIG [BLEEP], IGUESS.

>> THEY WERE A PRETTY GOODALL-WHITE FUNK BAND.

100 POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

COMEDIANS, THE BRITS AREKNOWN FOR THEIR CLEVER

SLANG.

SO WHAT IS A TERM THEY CANUSE FOR THIS ILLICT.

PORCINE ACTIVITY.

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> MUCKING A WIG IN THESOUTH.

THAT'S COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG.

>> POINTS. JESSICA?

>> ONE IN THE PINK.

>> Chris: YES, PERFECT,POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> OVER THERE THAT'S WHATTHEY CALL SOCCER.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: OH, WOW.

RIGHT IN THE OLD LOO TUBE.

PIG [BLEEP] IS A GATEWAYDRUG.

>> ASK KERMIT THE FROG.

(APPLAUSE)WELL, YOUR HONOR, TO BE FAIR,

THE PIG WAS DEAD WHEN IARRIVED.

(LAUGHTER)MOVING ON, DORITOS HAS

INTRODUCED A NEW CHIP THATMIGHT AS WELL BE CALLED "THE

COOLEST RANCH." IT ISRAINBOW-COLORED TO BENEFIT THE

IT GETS BETTER PROJECT ANDTO MAKE GOING TO THE VENDING

MACHINE EVEN MORE EXCITINGFOR KIM DAVIS.

(APPLAUSE)>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY TWO DORITOS GOT TOSLEEP TOGETHER IN A BAG?

EYE OF THE TIGER.

>> Chris: I LIKE THIS TREND, SOCOMEDIANS,

WHAT WOULD BE SOME OTHERSOCIALLY CONSCIOUS SNACKS?

YES, JESSICA.

SOUR PATCH ADOPTED KIDS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MR. HODGMAN.

>> RED VINES MATTER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> LGBLT: THAT IS A LESBIANAND GAY BACON, LETTUCE AND

TOMATO.

>> HE GOT RON. RON GOT RON.

>> I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.>> Chris: YOU DESERVE IT.

>> GODDAMN IT, I LOVE YOURJAMMIES.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

IF THERE IS ONE THING ILEARNED FROM THE JOB IT IS

I'M UNFUNNY AND HAVE ASTUPID FACE.

ALSO, WHENEVER ANYTHING EVENREMOTELY

TAYLOR SWIFT-RELATED HAPPENS,THE INTERNET FREAKS OUT LIKE A

DOG ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.

CASE IN POINT: THE OMG-STORMTHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER RYAN

ADAMS RELEASED A NEW ALBUMOF ALL SWIFTY COVERS TO TURN

THOSE SILKY FAIRY ANTHEMS INTO AWHISKEY-RAVAGED

K-HOLE SOUNDTRACK.

SO IN HONOR OF TAKING SONGSAND CHANGING THEM JUST A LITTLE

BIT, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#ONELETTEROFFSONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "WE DIDN'TSHART THE FIRE."

OR "TRAP QUEEF."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

LET'S BEGIN.

>> RON.

>> BABY GOT SACK.

>> POINTS.

>> WHEN DAVES CRY.

>> POINTS. JOHN.

>> JAILHOUSE [BLEEP].

>> POINTS.

>> WILLIE JEAN.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> TURN DOWN FOR HAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT WORKS.

>> STAIRWAY TO HEAVE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> JESSICA.

>> MMMM BOP, ONE EXTRA "M"IN THERE.

>> Chris: YEAH, PERFECT.

>> Chris: NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY ATLAS SHRUGGED.

THE GOOGLE STREET VIEW TEAM HASBEEN PHOTOGRAPHING EVERY INCH OF

OUR VAST PLANET AND THANKSTO THEIR WORK YOU CAN

EXPLORE THE ALLEYWAYS OF SANFRANCISCO AND POSSIBLY SEE A

GUY JERKING IT INTO ADUMPSTER.

ALL FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUROWN HOME.

SO I WILL SHOW YOU A SERIESOF REAL IMAGES WE FOUND ON

GOOGLE STREET VIEW, AND FOR 250POINTS I WANT YOU TO USE

THEM TO GIVE ME DIRECTIONS.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET STARTED.

JOHN HODGMAN, I'M LOST.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?

>> OH, YEAH.

WELL, YOU JUST GO DOWN THEROAD A PIECE AND TURN RIGHT

AND THEN YOU GO PAST THATSPOT WHERE KRYPTON DUMPS ALL

ITS UNWANTED BABIES.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD. IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.

>> THEY SHOULD BUILD A WALL.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD.

I GOT THAT.

BUT NEXT I GOT TO GO TO THISPLACE. CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

>> OH, YEAH, WELL, IF YOU GOBY JUNIOR BOB TRAINING HIS

BIG FOOTS, YOU'VE GONE TOOFAR.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD.

>> AND THEN I CAN'TREMEMBER, DO I TURN RIGHT OR

LEFT AFTER THIS?

I'M NOT SURE WHERE I'MSUPPOSED TO GO.

>> YOU JUST KEEP GOINGSTRAIGHT BY THE LAZY MORGUE.

>> Chris: THANK YOU, JOHN, ISURELY WILL FIND MY WAY WITH

YOU IN CHARGE.

500 PONTS TO YOU FOR THAT.

JESSICA, YOUR TURN.

I NEED SOME DIRECTIONS,PLEASE.

OKAY.

>> FIRST YOU'RE GOING TOWANT TO GO DOWN EL CHOPO

ROAD--IT'S JUST PASTDICK CHENEY'S GIMP.

>> Chris: OKAY, SO I CAN'TREMEMBER, WHERE DO I GO

NEXT?

>> OKAY.

YEAH, AND THEN YOU'RE GOINGTO WANT TO GO, MAKE A LEFT

PAST THOSE [BLEEP] THINK THEY'REBETTER THAN SIGMA CHI, BRO.

SIGMA CHI, YEAH, SIGMA CHI,SIGMA CHI.

THOSE DICKS CAN SUCK IT.

>> Chris: OKAY, GREAT, SO AFTERI PASS THOSE DICKS, I CAN'T

REMEMBER, WHERE DO I GO FROMTHERE?

>> OKAY.

AND THEN YOU WILL FINALLYHIT THE FLORIDA BORDER.

>> Chris: THANK YOU. I'M GONNAGIVE YOU 600 POINTS FOR THAT.

RON FUNCHES, I REALLY NEEDYOUR HELP.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'MGOING.

>> I GOT YOU.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST YOUWANT TO GO STRAIGHT SIX

BLOCKS, YOU TAKE A RIGHT. NOWIF YOU REACH THE "MORTAL

KOMBAT" TOURNAMENT, YOU'VEGONE TOO FAR.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SO I FEEL LIKE THEN I TAKE ALEFT AFTER THAT, I'M NOT 100

PERCENT.

>> YOU TAKE A LEFT, YOU GODOWN 8 MILE ROAD UNTIL

YOU GET TO MARSHALL MATHERSPARK.

>> Chris: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT.'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS KID ONLY

GETS ONE SHOT.

>> DON'T BLOW IT.

DON'T BLOW IT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

SO AFTER, THEN I KEEP GOINGPAST THAT ROAD AND THEN I'M

TRYING TO GET TO THIS PLACE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND,I'M HOTBOXING RIGHT OUT FRONT.

YOU CAN'T MISS ME.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUSOME DELIGHTFUL TROLLING

THAT TOOK PLACE DURINGDONALD TRUMP'S

TWITTER Q & A.

I ASKED YOU TO FIELD AQUESTION HE DIDN'T GET

AROUND TO BECAUSE HE DIDN'T[BLEEP] FEEL LIKE IT.

JESSICA, WHY DO I ALWAYS GETSUCH BAD GAS WHEN I HAVE PMS?

#ASKTRUMP.

>> THIS ISSUE IS VERYPERSONAL TO ME. YOU MAY

HAVE NOTICED MY MOUTH LOOKSEXACTLY LIKE A BUTTHOLE.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT ACTUALLYIS.

AND EVERYTHING I SAY IS AFART.

ALSO, WOMEN ARE LOSERS, VOTETRUMP.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S VERY ON-BRAND FOR HIM.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: JOHN HODGMAN,YOURQUESTION IS "WHEN ARE YOU

GOING TO DIE?" #ASKTRUMP.

>> HONESTLY, I SEE NOEVIDENCE THAT DEATH IS A

REAL THING.

I HONESTLY, HONESTLY JUSTSEE A BUNCH OF LOSERS AND

HATERS GIVING UP.

ME, I'M GETTING HUMAN STEMCELLS INJECTED INTO MY

EYES DAILY AND I'M MORE[BLEEP] THAN EVER.

VOTE TRUMP.

>> Chris: RON, WOULD YOUTOUCH A POOP FOR $20?

>> WOULD I TOUCH A POOP FOR$20.

HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT WHEREI AM TODAY?

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I DON'T TOUCH ANYTHINGBROWN.

VOTE TRUMP!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,

COOKLYN.

COOKLYN.

NOWHERE IS THE INSUFFERABLEFOODIE MOVEMENT MORE

INSUFFERABLE THAN IN BROOKLYN,WHERE EVERY RESTAURANT MENU IS

FULL OF KALE, PORK BELLY TOASTAND MORE RAMPS THAN YOU FIND AT

A WHEELCHAIR TESTINGFACILITY. BROOKLYN BAR MENUS.COM

IS A HILARIOUS MENU GENERATORMOCKS THESE FLANNEL-CLAD

CHEFS WITH MADE UP ARTISINALNONSENSE LIKE SALT WAFFLE

RUB SEAWEED AND MINIATUREBISON.

GIVE ME AS MANY CLOYING,OVERLY PRECIOUS BROOKLYN

BAR DISHES AS YOU CAN COME UPWITH.

REALLY MAKE US WANT TOBUNCH YOU.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. JESSICA.

>> MIMOSA STRAINED THROUGH ABEARD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> ARTISINAL CUP OF REALLYNOT GIVING A [BLEEP].

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> 11-YEAR-OLD MUMFORDSHAVINGS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IRONIC APPRECIATION OFDISCO FRIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> HODGMAN.

>> YOUR PARENT'S LIFE SAVINGSSHREDDED OVER ARUGULA.

>> Chris: FUNCHES.

>> MAN BUNS.

>> Chris: POINTS. HODGMAN.

>> A VINTAGE CAN OF MOUNTAINDEW

RECLAIMED FROM THE OLD SODAMACHINE AT THE FACTORY WE

TURNED INTO LOFTS.

>> Chris: POINTS. RON FUNCHES.

>> GENTRI-FRIED GREENTOMATOES.