The Leather Swingset with the Monkey and the Gun

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 10/19/2010

Nick loses it in the wild, paramedics invade patients' space, and Gay Robot's neighbor creeps.

- WHERE DO WE KNOW HIM FROM?- I CAN'T PLACE IT.

BUT I KNOW WE KNOW HIM.

( sighs )

HEY, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,BUT I KNOW YOU FROMSOMEWHERE, RIGHT?

WE WERE JUST SAYING THAT.

WE LIVE UP THE STREET.ARE YOU FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

NO, I LIVE IN VENICE.I JUST POPPED IN.

DO YOU GO TO ST. CHRISTOPHER'SCHURCH? MAYBE THAT'S IT.

NOPE. WHERE DO YOU SHOOT GUNS,RESEDA OR BAKERSFIELD?

OH, WE DON'T.

DO YOU EVER GO TOTHE WINE TASTING AT VENDOME?

I DON'T, BUT I WOULDLOVE TO DO THAT.

UM, WERE YOU ONA JURY RECENTLY?

- NNN-NNH.- NO.

DID YOU GET STUCKWITH JURY DUTY?

NO, NOT EXACTLY.

UM, OH, E.A.?

UH, WHAT'S THAT?

ECSTASY ANONYMOUS?

- UH...- OH, NO.

- NO, WE DON'T.- WE BOTH WORK AT WHOLE FOODS.

MAYBE THAT'S WHEREWE KNOW YOU FROM.

NO, I DON'T SHOP THERE.WHERE DO YOU GET YOURSCROTUM PIERCED?

NO, I-- I DON'T DO THAT.

- I DON'T HAVE ONE.- SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.

- SHE'S A WOMAN.- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

S.K.A.?

SPECIAL K ANONYMOUS?

P.C.P.A.?

- NO, WE DON'T DO DRUGS.- NO.

NO, POPPY ( bleep ) PUNCHINGANONYMOUS?

- ( sighs )- REALLY?

- YEAH, JUST WHEW!- OH. NO.

I KNOW IT'S FROM SOMEWHERE,THOUGH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHEN YOU HAVE IT ANDYOU'RE LIKE, "I KNOW THAT GUY."

IT'S-- I GOT IT!WE MET THROUGH TED.

OLDER GUY; HE'S GOTA DIARRHEA WATERFALL?

( sighs )

THE LEATHER SWING SETWITH THE MONKEY AND THE GUN?

- NO, WE DON'T KNOW THAT.- NO.

( sighs ) RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW LENNY?- LENNY? WHAT'S HIS LAST NAME?

I DON'T KNOW. HE DEALS METH.HE CAN ( bleep ) HIMSELF.HE DOES IT IN PUBLIC.

OKAY, AGAIN, WE DON'TDO DRUGS.

SO WE WOULDN'T KNOW.

YEAH YEAH YEAH, I DON'TDO DRUGS EITHER.

JUST, I LIKE TO WATCHLENNY ( bleep ) HIMSELF.HE LIVES IN MY BUILDING.

WHAT BLOOD BANK DO YOU GO TO?

- WE DON'T.- WE DON'T, ACTUALLY.

WHERE DO YOU DRINK BLOOD?

WE DO NOT DRINK BLOOD.THAT'S NOT GOOD.

OKAY OKAY.

DO YOU PLAY TENNIS?

WHERE DO YOU FART INHOMELESS PEOPLE'S MOUTHS?

WE DON'T DO THAT.YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT, ACTUALLY.

WHAT?

Man: Bernthorn, party of two, your table is ready.

BERNTHORN? YOU HAVEA DAUGHTER MAGGIE ATPATTERSON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

- YES, WE DO.- MR. BENNETT, HER ART TEACHER.

WE MET AT PARENT-TEACHERCONFERENCE.

OH, WE FINALLY FOUND IT.IT'S SO GREAT.

YOU GUYS ENJOY YOUR LUNCH.GET THE MAC AND CHEESE.

TELL MAGGIE I SAID HI.PLACE IS GREAT.MACARONI AND CHEESE.

rolls down like water.

I have a dream today.

THAT MAN'S DREAMRUINED MY ( bleep ) LIFE.

( singing continues )

GRANDPA,

CAN YOU HELP ME MAKEA SIGN FOR MY LEMONADE STAND?

OH, MY PUMPKIN.

I'M A LITTLE RUSTY. I HAVEN'TMADE A SIGN SINCE, WELL,

SINCE THE 1950s.

THEM WAS THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

( swing music playing )

BACK THEN I OWNED THE LARGEST AND MOST PROFITABLE

SIGN COMPANY IN THE COUNTRY.

I WAS THE GUY WHO MADE ALL THOSE SEGREGATION SIGNS--

"NO BLACKS," "NO COLOREDS," "WHITES ONLY."

THOSE WERE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I MADE SIGNS FOR THE GIRLS I WAS ( bleep ).

Girl: GRANDPA!

I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART. I GOT LOST IN THE FLASHBACK

AND FORGOT YOU WAS STILL STANDING NEXT TO ME.

THERE WAS A SIGN FOR EVERYTHING,

AND I MADE THEM ALL.

IT WAS A GREAT TIME IN AMERICA TO OWN A SIGN BUSINESS.

I MADE SIGNS TO MOVE BLACK PEOPLE TO THE BACK OF THE BICYCLE.

AND I MADE "WHITES ONLY" SIGNS FOR LEMON TREES.

TODAY EVEN WITHOUT A SIGN, MOST BASKETBALLS

ARE STILL BLACKS ONLY.

THOSE WERE THE SALAD DAYS.

WE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN PRINTING MONEY.

BUT WHEN DR. KING WAGED HIS VICIOUS ASSAULT ON SEGREGATION,

I LOST HALF MY BUSINESS OVERNIGHT.

BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO PRESERVE MY WAY OF LIFE.

I JOINED MY BROTHERS IN PROTEST.

SIGN MAKERS FOR SEGREGATION!SIGN MAKERS FOR SEGREGATION!

OUR EFFORTS TO EXTINGUISH DR. KING'S DREAMS

WERE ALL IN VAIN.

UNFORTUNATELY THE COPS WERE STILL USING

A "BLACKS ONLY" HOSE.

LET'S GO, SNELLY!RUN ALL OVER THEIR ASSES.

- COME ON.- YEAH, MAN, RIP HIS ( bleep ) HEAD OFF!

- ( crunching )- ( man grunting )

( all gasping )

( dramatic music plays )

WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

I DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO IT, MAN.I WAS JUST IN THE MOMENT.

Announcer: This is truly the worst thing to happen in sports.

Nobody-- I don't care how big a fan you are--

nobody wants to see this happen to the rival team.

HEY, MAN, WHEN I YELLED THAT,YOU ALL CHEERED.

ALL RIGHT? YOU'RE ALL GUILTY.YOU WANTED THIS.

NO, YOU DID THIS!SHAME ON YOU.

HEY, MAN, HE YELLED, "RUN ALLOVER THEIR ASSES," OKAY?

REMEMBER THAT EARLIER?AND YOU CHEERED. NOT COOL.

YOU CAN'T DIE FROM THAT.

THAT GUY RIPPEDTHE DUDE'S HEAD OFF.

ALL RIGHT, TEAM.WE GOT A CALL, SOMEBODY HERE

JUST YELLED,"RIP HIS HEAD OFF."

I DIDN'T MEAN FOR ITTO HAPPEN.

COME ON, BUDDY.LET'S GO.

YEAH, GET THAT PSYCHOOUT OF HERE!

YEAH, RIP HIS HEAD OFF.

- ( bones crunching )- ( man screams )

- ( all gasp )- DEAR GOD.

WHO JUST YELLED THAT?

STOP YELLING THAT.

rolls down like water.

I have a dream today.

THAT MAN'S DREAMRUINED MY ( bleep ) LIFE.

( singing continues )

GRANDPA,

CAN YOU HELP ME MAKEA SIGN FOR MY LEMONADE STAND?

OH, MY PUMPKIN.

I'M A LITTLE RUSTY. I HAVEN'TMADE A SIGN SINCE, WELL,

SINCE THE 1950s.

THEM WAS THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

( swing music playing )

BACK THEN I OWNED THE LARGEST AND MOST PROFITABLE

SIGN COMPANY IN THE COUNTRY.

I WAS THE GUY WHO MADE ALL THOSE SEGREGATION SIGNS--

"NO BLACKS," "NO COLOREDS," "WHITES ONLY."

THOSE WERE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I MADE SIGNS FOR THE GIRLS I WAS ( bleep ).

Girl: GRANDPA!

I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART. I GOT LOST IN THE FLASHBACK

AND FORGOT YOU WAS STILL STANDING NEXT TO ME.

THERE WAS A SIGN FOR EVERYTHING,

AND I MADE THEM ALL.

IT WAS A GREAT TIME IN AMERICA TO OWN A SIGN BUSINESS.

I MADE SIGNS TO MOVE BLACK PEOPLE TO THE BACK OF THE BICYCLE.

AND I MADE "WHITES ONLY" SIGNS FOR LEMON TREES.

TODAY EVEN WITHOUT A SIGN, MOST BASKETBALLS

ARE STILL BLACKS ONLY.

THOSE WERE THE SALAD DAYS.

WE MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN PRINTING MONEY.

BUT WHEN DR. KING WAGED HIS VICIOUS ASSAULT ON SEGREGATION,

I LOST HALF MY BUSINESS OVERNIGHT.

BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO PRESERVE MY WAY OF LIFE.

I JOINED MY BROTHERS IN PROTEST.

SIGN MAKERS FOR SEGREGATION!SIGN MAKERS FOR SEGREGATION!

OUR EFFORTS TO EXTINGUISH DR. KING'S DREAMS

WERE ALL IN VAIN.

UNFORTUNATELY THE COPS WERE STILL USING

A "BLACKS ONLY" HOSE.

NATURE'S CRAZIEST LABYRINTH.

WE'LL MAKE OUR WAY THROUGH,FILLED WITH HUNDREDS OFTHOUSANDS OF SPECIES

AND CREATURES OFALL KINDS.

WHOA! OH WOW.

THESE ARE COCA LEAVES.

THIS IS WHAT THE DRUGCOMMONLY KNOWN AS COCAINE

DERIVES ITSELF FROM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKEA COUPLE OF THESE.

YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASETHERE'LL BE SOME LONG NIGHTS,

WE WANT TO STAY UP ANDGET SOME MORE HUNTING DONE.

ALL RIGHT, WOW.

LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE.

OKAY, I'M GOOD.LET'S GO.

( drum beating )

OKAY, UM...

WE'RE BACK.THAT WAS A GOOD WHIZZ.

I FEEL REAL GOODABOUT THAT WHIZZ.

UM, AND HERE WE GO!

WE'RE BACK INTHE AMAZON JUNGLE.

AND...

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNAGO WHIZZ ONE MORE TIME.

ALL RIGHT? LET'S GO WHIZZONE MORE TIME. ALL RIGHT.

Crew member: YOU'RE NOT EATING COCA LEAVES ALREADY, ARE YOU?

I'M GOIN' WHIZZ, MAN!IT'S THE AMAZON.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE'VE GOT TONSOF TREES HERE...

( indistinct mumbling )

THERE ARE CREATURES ALL OVER.THERE'S A SNAKE.

OH MY GOD,THERE'S DIRT EVERYWHERE.THIS IS LIKE--

Crew member: COULD YOU SLOW DOWN? YOU'RE RAMBLING REALLY FAST.

- OH YEAH, SORRY, MATE.- ( bird chirps )

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT IS IT, GOR?

THAT'S COPS.THAT'S 5-0.

SOUNDS LIKE A BIRD.

NO! NO, THAT'S COPS, MATE.THAT'S COPS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET MY LEAVES.NOT GONNA GET MY LEAVES.

GOR, WAIT. GOR!

GOR, WHERE ARE YOU?

WAIT, THIS COULD BE HIM.

GOR, WHAT THE ( bleep ), MAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, SORRY, MATE.NO SHORTS ON IN THE CLUB.

WHAT CLUB? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT AM I TALKIN' ABOUT?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW,MAYBE THE ONLY-- THE HOTTESTCLUB IN THE AMAZON.

WHAT'S UP, GUYS?GOT ANY GIRLS WITH YOU ORIS IT ALL WIENERS?

OH, LEAVES!WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY?

GOOD, SOME REAL LADIES.GO GO. GET ON IN THERE.

BOTTLE'S ON ME.THESE GIRLS ARE AT MY TABLE.

ALL RIGHT?MY TABLE.

GOR, YOU GOTTA STOP EATING COCA LEAVES, MAN.

T.M.Z.!SECURITY, WE GOT PAPARAZZI.

- ( grunting )- NO, IT'S T.M.Z.

- WE GOT HERE PAPARAZZI.- GOR.

GET OUTTA HERE.

YEAH, PLAY THAT "POKER FACE"A LITTLE LOUDER...

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