Carlos Mencia sheds the pounds, then bulks up with disdain for disaffected Americans, attributing his optimism to his hard Honduran father and his youth in L.A.
They're talkingabout immigration.
And he said something,and nobody called him on it.
Nobody did.I want to be on that panel.
He was a guywho's a legislator in Alabama,
and he really said this.He goes...
[southern accent]"I believe in immigration,
"but I also believethe people
"that livein the United States of America
"should make an effort
to learn how to speak Englishwithout an accent."
Even my dad was like, "Whatthe fuck did he just say?"
"I don't know."
How do you talk smack abouthow other people speak English
when you just got hitby a "ter-nader"?
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
What do we do? We say thingsthat don't make sense.
Do you understandhow stupid we sound on the news
to anybody who even knowsa little bit about our history
when we say thingsin America like,
"I don't mind immigration,
but I do mindillegal immigration"?
No, you don't.We're America.
Every beautiful thingthat we have in this country
was built illegally.
This is not me saying thisas a beaner.
I'm saying thisas an American
who accepts the realityof who we are.
White people, when youlanded on Plymouth Rock,
you did not have a visa.
And look, all the immigrantsare laughing.
Look at all the white people--"But that was a long time ago."
And some of youdon't want to laugh
because we'rein an Indian casino.
I know how it is.
All the Indians are like,
"Tell it like it is, Carlos.Tell it like it is."
First of all, let's be real.
We don't careabout Native Americans
in this country, okay?
And see how some of youare like, "Yeah, you do."
No, you don't. There is nota person in this room
that after the show--
you walk out in that casinoand hit the jackpot,
not one of you bitches wouldgive the money back to Geronimo
and apologizefor taking his shit...
none of you.
And you know what?Neither would I.
I'd be counting my moneylike this.
♪ One little, two little,three little hundreds ♪
♪ Four little, five little,six little hundreds ♪
♪ Seven little, eight little,nine little hundreds ♪
but he is afraid that they'regonna ask him for his papers,
so he goes around town
with an American passportin his pocket out of fear.
Yeah.Ironically, I have a friend
who's an actualillegal alien, okay?
He's a real illegal.
He is not afraid whatsoeverof being asked for his papers,
because he happens to bea white guy from England.
And he livesin Scottsdale, Arizona.
So, when the law passed, right,
two weeks laterI go visit my brother.
I call my friend up. I'm like,"You want to have lunch?"
He says yes.We're having lunch,
I look at him straightin the face and go,
"Hey, man,what are you gonna do, bro?
"S.B. 1070 passed, and they'relooking for illegals.
"You gonna move out?You gonna go to another state?
What's going on?"
In the calmest voice,
he looked at meright in the face and went...
[British accent]"Well, that law is not for me."
[normal voice] "Uh, it'sexactly for you, wetback."
Oh, come on, he's a wetback.Let's get that out of the way.
"If we are gonna callMexicans wetbacks,
"for crossing a riverthat wide and that deep,
you crossedthe Atlantic, bitch."
[cheers and applause]
"You are a wetback cubed."
He didn't even laugh.
He just looked at meright in the face and went,
[British accent]"Carlos, look at me.
"Do you honestly believethat the police
would ever ask mefor me papers?"
[normal voice]No, I don't, you son of a bitch.
I hate you!God, I hate the truth!
'Cause at that moment,I realized
that if him and my brotherwere to get into an altercation,
you know what I mean?
And the cops show up,and they're like,
"Break it up right nowor you're both going to jail.
"I need to knowwhy this went down.
What's your side of the story,sir?"
[British accent]"All right, Officer,
"I'll tell you what happened.
"I was walking down the street,minding me own business,
"when from onacross the street,
"I heard this bloke yell out,'Show your papers.'
"So I came across the streetand showed him
"the same respect he showed meby punching him in the face.
That's how this startedon my behalf."
[normal voice] "I understandwhy you did it, sir.
What about you?What's your side of the story?"
I'm gonna tell you'the troo.'"
"Right, show me your papersfirst, though, please."
"Okay, that's bull-chit.That's bull-chit!"
"He was talking funny,too, okay?
"He was talking funny, too.
"And sometime he drive onthe wrong side of the street.
Ask him about that.Ask him about that."
See, look at some of you--"Was he dyslexic?"
Whatever.Let's just move on.
are gonna hate us
no matter what we do.
You want meto tell you why?
Because they thinkwe're arrogant.
And you know whythey think we're arrogant?
Because we're Americans,and our lives are so amazing
that when we goto other countries,
we think they live like us.
So we ask them for thingsthat we think are normal,
but they're not normal.
So then they get mad at us.
Air-conditioning is normalin America--in anywhere.
You could goto a trailer park.
These sons of bitchesgot little A/Cs--
everywhere we go.
But it ain't like thatin other countries.
And I know some of youright now are going,
"Well, I've been to Mexico,and they had air conditioners."
No, you've neverbeen to Mexico.
You went to Cancun or Mazatlanor Puerto Vallarta.
That's Little America in Mexico.That's what that is.
If you really want to goto Mexico,
the next time you go to Cabo,
get in a caband tell the Mexican driver,
"Hey, senor, take meto the real Mexico."
He'll be like,"Are you sure?
It no look like this!"
I wanted to go to Jamaica.
My friend's like, "Don't goto the regular Jamaica.
Go to the real Jamaicawhere we go."
And my stupid ass--
"I'm gonna goto the real Jamaica!"
I get there,and it's hot as balls.
And I'm not--
I'm trying really hardnot to be that American
that goes and complains,
but let me tell youwhat happened.
A bead of sweatdeveloped right here
on the top of my head,and it rolled down,
and it got bigger,and it rolled down and down,
and when it hit my asshole,I went, "That's enough.
That is enough! No!"
I went to the front desk,and I'm like--
Seriously,this is not a joke.
"I don't carehow much money it costs.
I want the roomwith an air conditioner."
The guy laughed in my face.
[Jamaican accent] "Dis boy wantan air condition-ah!"
"Did ya feel da breeze?"
with regard to that joke--
Is that jokeover $20 million of funny?
Because that's how muchit cost America
for me to tell that joke,because, of course,
what did they do on the newsthat I told you?
Exacerbated a situation.
"Pirates off the coastof Africa
"commandeeredan American vessel.
"They took a hostagewhich happens to be the captain,
"who is an American citizen.
How will America react?"
$20 million worth, baby.Yeah.
We sent two fully armed navalbattleship frigate destroyers
with laser-guided missiles,Sidewinder missiles,
heat-seeking missiles,Tomahawk missiles,
50-millimeter cannons,over 7,000 troops,
10,000 M4s,over 18,000 grenades,
over 36 snipers,
and over 18of those huge cannons.
All of that armadaand artillery
to deal with sixskinny, starving,
licorice-lollipop-lookin',emaciated Africans on a...
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
President Mencia would'vesaved us all that money!
I would've sent one American
that can throw a dartreally far.
That would've beenthe end of that.
Ba, ba, ba--[imitates pop, air hissing]
"It is a direct hit!It is a direct hit!"
"Dey sank our battleship.Dey sank our battleship."
"Unbuntu, did youbring da duct tape?"
"We must patch de ship.
"We cannot sink.We are black. We cannot swim.
Please, Unbuntu, please!"
and they're like,
"Man, you go too farwith this stuff."
I just want youto understand
that I really do tryto censor myself,
that for every joke I do
where you peoplethink I went too far,
I swear to God on my son Luke
there are at leastthree more jokes in my head
that I would never tell you.
The problem with meis I grew up in East L.A.
And what peopledon't understand
is when you grow upin the projects,
simple thingsare life and death.
If somebody comes upto you and says,
"Hey, man, where you from?"you answer that question.
Not where I grew up,
'cause if you answerthe wrong question,
you might bein Arizona territory
or White Fence territoryor the Rock territory.
You don't know who that is,so you got to swell up.
You got to be ghetto.You got to be badass.
So, when somebody came up to meand said, "Where you from?"
"Where you from, puto?Fuck you. You got a problem?
"Let's do it, cabron. Afuera.
"But don't be talking shitunless you're ready
to fuckin' throw down, bitch."
And by the way,
do you see how all the ghettopeople are like, "Yeah"?
And that's my problem.
I live in Encino.I don't need that crap anymore.
The problem is,I still have it in me,
and I hate that guy.
"Ghetto Carlos" gets mein trouble all the time.
I don't like him.
- People think thatI'll just say anything.
That's not true.I censor myself all the time.
Like, the first timeI saw Barack Obama,
I had a thought,and I immediately went,
"I can't say that, man.
"People are gonna misconstruewhat I'm saying,
"take it the wrong way,and use it in a way
"that I do not want anybodyto use my words.
I am not gonna do it."
But you know what I did?
I went into a Catholic churchin East L.A.
called Our Lady of Soledad
on the corner of Fordand Cesar Chavez.
I walked in, I lit a candleto La Virgen Maria de Guadalupe,
and I said, "Virgen, I makepeople laugh for a living.
"I deserve one thingin my life,
"and this is what I want.
"I want the black guyto become President.
"I don't careabout his politics.
"Him winning,whether he sucks or not,
"is good for the countrybecause it breaks a barrier.
"But I'm not gonna lie to you.
"there's a jokethat I really want to tell,
and I can't tell itunless he becomes President."
And she made my wishcome true,
and now I can saythat Barack Obama
looks likeCurious fuckin' George.
I said it.
And it's notbecause he's black.
It's becausehe's kind of yellow,
he has the hairlineand the ears.
The ears make the outfit.
All right, some of you peoplearen't laughing.
Close your eyes.Close your eyes!
What would you doif Barack Obama
walked onto this stage,
followed byVice President Joseph Biden,
who is wearinga yellow trench coat?
You would laugh your ass off.
You would be sitting theregoing, "Oh, my God.
"If during the speechthe President actually says
'I'm just curious'..."
Do you see how fun it isto laugh at that stuff?
Maybe it's because I wasborn in Honduras, that,
you know,my friends are like,
"Dude, why do youlove America so much?"
Because if I wasin Honduras,
I'd be the funniest manmilking a cow.
That would suck!
I'd be all, "Hey, anybodywant to hear a joke?"
She doesn't even have milk.I'm playing with her chi-chis.
'Cause it's the subtle things.You understand that?
It's not the big thingsthat we take for granted.
It's the subtle things,you know,
and that's what yougot to worry about--
the subtle things,the little things.
A friend of mine loves Bush,hates Obama.
My other friend loves Obama,hates Bush.
They were arguingthe other day.
"Obama's an idiot.He ruined everything."
"What are youtalking about, dumbass?
"Obama's fixing everythingthat Bush ruined.
Hey, Carlos,what do you think?"
"I think that weshould just be happy
that we have a presidentthat's in office."
"What the hellis that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I'm from Honduras,bitch, where last year
the presidentjust disappeared."
[laughter and applause]
A whole countrywoke up one day and went,
"What happened to him?"
"I don't know!
"Last night he wasright there, right there,
"pero todayhe's not right there.
I no think he coming back."
Because you gotto have perspective,
and that's the problem--
that people heara whiny thing,
and they want to go with itand see in perspective.
Get the perspective.
Do you want me to tell you?Our country's great.
Do you want me to tell you whenwe know that our country sucks?
That's when Cubans in Miamigo to the beach,
get in the water, and swimtheir ass back to Cuba.
That's when our country sucks,all right?
That's when we suck.
When there's a bunch of peoplein the water, going,
Cause I at least can admit
I'm an American.
I don't care about Indians.
Do you think we careabout the feelings
of Native Americans
when we celebrateColumbus Day?
That's the day that the whiteman discovered a land...
where Indians had been livingfor a few thousand years.
And that's the American I want--
that badass, ballsy American.
And I love that American.
That white manthat landed on Plymouth Rock,
looked out into America,and said,
"We discover this land."
The Indians on the beachwere like,
"I don't think he sees us.
Make some noise!"
[imitatesNative American chanting]
"Light a fire!Light a fire!"
Instead what do we do?
We do things like create lawsthat aren't necessary.
We already have the law.
Don't hire 'em,they're not gonna be here.
But we got to add laws--Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona.
"If you look, act,or sound like an illegal,
we're gonna ask youfor your papers."
And I'm not even kidding you,when that law first passed,
I got over 1,000 phone callsfrom people, organizations--
"You need to help us protest.You need to boycott Arizona."
I will do no such thing.
I love that lawon a personal level,
because my brother Joseph,who annoys me to no end--
because how can you livein America for over 45 years
and still say,"How are 'jou'?"
I don't understand it.I don't get it.
And that dude moved to Arizona
three monthsbefore the law passed.
And I gave himthe down payment.
I knew itwas gonna happen.
Because, people,he doesn't even try.
Whatever you think about me,
whatever you think about me,people, I try.
Yeah, 1992,I saw myself on HBO.
I did a joke where I went,"Oh, come on, homes.
You don't eat the penis."
And I went, "Oh, my God.
"That accent'snot gonna sell any tickets
outside of Los Angeles."
So I bought theseannunciation tapes,
and I'm at hometrying to be a good American,
going, "Ten dwarvestook turns doing handstands
on the carpet."
Yeah. My brother Josephwalks in--
"Hey, 'eberybody'!We gonna celebrate tonight!
I pass the test. I become acitizen of the Chunited Estate."
"How did you pass the test?
Was there not a verbal portionof this exam?"
He looked at meright in the face and went,
"It was easy.
They give it to mein a-Spanish."
By the way,that is not a joke.
My brother took the testto become an American
So you can imaginehow happy I was
when I'm watching CNN
and that woman signsthe bill into law.
And 22 seconds later,my phone rings.
It's my brother Joseph.I wonder what he has to say.
I hit "answer."I went like this, "Hello?"
This is exactly what I heardcome out of his mouth.
"'Jou' know they gonna ask mefor my papers."
And I leave the club.
At the end of the night,
this black guy comes up to me
as I'm walking out the back.
"Yo, man, you and meneed to talk
"about what you saidabout Barack Obama,
know what I'm sayin'?"
And I was like, "No.
"But I'm hopingthat you'll clarify
during further conversation."
And he's like, "Yo, man.
"Why don't you say somethingpositive about Barack Obama?
"All you talk aboutis that he look like--
"You know, what he look like,and that's funny and all,
but, you know, you needto say something else."
And I was like,"First of all, bro,
"I'm just a comedian.
"Don't take me so seriously.
That's what I do.I tell jokes."
And he's like,"Oh, you just gonna, like,
"sweep itunder the rug, right?
"I'm tryingto help you, dog.
How you know a brother like meain't got a gun?"
And that's whenI got a little ghetto
and went, "Bitch, how you know abrother like me ain't got a gun?
Where do you think I grew up?I grew up in East L.A."
Then I realized what I said,and I'm like,
"By the way, I don't have a gun.I'm just saying...
how do you knowI don't have a gun?"
So I realizedwhat I said, right?
And I look at him,
and I thought I saidsomething pretty cool.
I look at him and went, "Listen,bro, in all seriousness,
"I am a comediandoing a comedy show
"on a comedy stageat a comedy club.
"I am notto be taken seriously.
"I am a glorified clown,an evolved court jester.
"Everything that I do isintended to make people laugh,
"and that's it.
"That is the standard.
"Now, I have youunderstand
"that I know youwant to judge me
"based on the wayother people see me,
"but you can't do that, becausethat's not my responsibility.
That's how they see it."
And he's like,"What you mean?"
I said, "I'll give youa great example.
The word "dee-dee-dee" justmeans "duh" to the third power,
The word "dee-dee-dee"is when you leave here,
you're gonna see a couple
that you've never metin your whole life,
and your headis immediately gonna go,
"Oh, my God, I hope thosetwo people don't have kids."
That's what it is,
'cause you know that he's "duh,"she's "duh,"
and the kid's gonna be"duh-duh-duh."
That's all that it is, okay?
Now, that being said,
you guys knowthat dee-dee-dee now,
to some people,means mentally retarded.
It has nothing to do with that,but I can't control it anymore.
That's what I mean about--
You cannot chastise mefor the fact
that people misinterpretwhat I do or say.
As an example, again,one of you, or a few of you,
are gonna mess up my jokes, notsay them exactly as I said them,
and you're gonna lose mesome fans tomorrow.
That's what you're gonna do,
'cause somebodyis gonna come up to you and go,
"How was the show?"
"Oh, my God. My cheeks hurt.It was so funny."
"What was the funniest joke?"
"He did this great jokeabout how Barack Obama
looks like a nigger monkey."
Whoa! Hey! Hey!
I said he lookslike a cartoon character.
Right?See how you laughed?
He did not laugh at all.
He just looked at meand said something
that didn't--that just did not jive with me.
He goes, "Oh, so it's gonna belike that, right?
"You know what?I'm coming back tomorrow, bitch.
"And I'm gonna sitin the front row.
"And I swear to God, if youdon't do something positive
"about Barack Obama,our first black president,
"you and me ain't gonna talk.
Do you understandwhat I'm saying now?"
And that's when I got ghettoand went, "What, bitch?
"You're gonna challenge me?You don't know me.
"Give me your name.
"I'm gonna buy you a ticketto sit in the front row,
"and you're gonna see me tellthe truth about Barack Obama,
our first black president."
And he goes, "What's the truth?Tell me now."
And that's when I said somethingI never should've said,
I don't even remembersaying it.
I remember hearing it...
becauseI was standing there going,
"Should I say it?Should I not say it?"
In my head, I'm like,"I shouldn't say it.
Just keep it to yourself."
And then he goes,"Say it, bitch!
Say it, you little bitch!"
And I said, "Fine, the truth--
"that the only black partabout Barack Obama
is that that niggerdon't know his dad."
Oh, no! No!
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Please don't shoot me!
"Please don't shoot me!Please don't shoot me!
Please don't shoot me!"
I turned around, he was like,"Oh, nigger, that's real!
You should've said thatonstage!"
Because that's what I do.
I hope you enjoy it, but I'malways gonna be that way.
Whatever my reality is,I keep it real.
- We need to realizethat we are the country
that makes moviesabout pirates,
while other countrieshave real pirates.
And that's the news again,making it bigger than it is.
"Pirates off the coastof Africa."
You mean skinny,starving Somalians?
They're not pirates.
First of all,in order to be a pirate,
you have to havea pirate ship, okay?
Not a 12-foot pontoon dinghywith air sides.
And a 25-outboard-horsepowerEvinrude.
If having a 12-footermakes you a pirate,
there's at least 10 rednecksand 30 mojados in here going...
[Southern accent] "Well,I'm a pirate, too. Shit.
"I didn't know I was a pirate.
[Mexican accent]"I am a pirate!
[rolling tongue] Ere! Ere!"
[normal voice] Come on, people,that's "R" in Spanish.
Seriously.Let's get the jokes.
How can you call yourselfa pirate when...
when you're in the middleof the ocean going,
ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba,ba, ba, ba.
"Dis tree-foot wavesis slowing da ship down."
Ba, ba, ba, ba.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,ba, ba, ba, ba...
How can youcall yourself a pirate
when you have to put airin your ship?
These guys are tryingto talk smack.
"Look at dat ship over der.
"We are going to take it over,for we are pirates.
"We are here to take.We are not here to ask.
"We are going to take hostages,
but we can only fit onein da pirate ship."
"But before we set sail,
"we must prepare de pirate ship.
Let's do dis."
"We are pirates."
[laughter and applause]
Look at--some of you are like,
"They don't haveair compressors?"
No, they don't haveair compressors!
The B.P. oil spill.
Remember the wordsthat they were using?
"It's catastrophic.It's cataclysmic.
"This ecosystemwill never recover.
"It will take decades,if not centuries,
to find the oil."
The other day,
me and my4 1/2-year-old son Luke
were watching television.
They went all overthe Gulf Coast and took samples.
They couldn't find any oil,and they're like,
"I don't know whywe can't find the oil."
And my son yells out,"That's 'cause there's
a lot of waterin the ocean!"
"It's kind of likewhen I do pee-pee in your pool."
"Whoa.When you do what, bro?
Don't piss in my pool, Luke!"
"But you didn't know, Daddy.You didn't know!
'Cause it's a little bitof pee-pee in a lot of water!"
You know what elseI hate about the news?
You notice thatno matter what happens,
the only timewe're all Americans
is after September 11th
or after we killOsama bin Laden.
Any other time it's what?
Are you on the East Coast?Are you on the West Coast?
Are you on the Right?Are you on the Left?
Are you in a red state?Are you in a blue state?
This is all crap.I want you to know that.
But people believe it.I was in Cleveland, Ohio.
This guy goes,"Hey, I just want you to know
"that I love your comedy,
"but you should be carefulwhat you say.
This is a red state."
And I'm like,"No, no, no, no, no.
This is an American state."
He goes,"Oh, no, it's a red state,
and there's a difference."
I'm like, "Really?So you're telling me
that if Ahmed, the terrorist,strapped to a bomb,
walks in here right nowand goes,
"Look at me,you American Satan pig.
"You kill Osama bin Laden,and I am here to kill you.
"Prepare to dieand meet the death,
for I am the bringer of hell."
"Hey, this is a red state."
"Oh, my God, I almost kill you.Are you serious?
"You are kidding me.Really? No!
"Rahim![speaks fake foreign language]
We need to be happy again.
Too many people out thereare, like, unhappy.
And I don't knowwhat that's like,
'cause I was bornin another country,
and I see America way differentthan the majority of people.
So, before I evenget started,
let me just give youa perspective that's mine.
I've been toa lot of other countries,
and I'm gonna say thisstraight up--
the United States of America,on our worst day,
is better than any other countryon their best day.
Period.End of story.
End of story!
[cheers and applause]
It's true.Oh, yeah!
Because we got to seewhat's real, what's awesome,
instead of complainingabout what we don't know about.
You've heard peopleout there--
"What's wrongwith our economy, Carlos?"
"Well, why isn't it awesomelike it was before?"
Because nothing can be awesomeall the time.
It rains sometimes.It snows sometimes.
There's earthquakes sometimes.
Things change,and that's normal.
We had a great economyfor 20 years.
Why can't we justbe happy with that,
instead of,"But what happened?"
Well, it's like sex.
Sex is amazing, but youcan't do it all the time.
And that's what happened.
For 20 years, we were having sexwith our economy.
20 years, just,"I want a jet ski.
I want a boat.I want a motorcycle."
[cheers and applause]
Right? And finallywe had an orgasm,
and we're like, "Don't touch it.It's sensitive."
That's where our economy is.It's right there.
We're fragile.We're fragile.
You want to buy a car?
Don't touch it!It's sensitive!
How's your credit?
Don't touch it!It's sensitive!
You would think that the cradle--right?--
the birthplaceof our civilization--Europe--
would be just like usor even better,
'cause they hada head start on us, but, no.
You ever go to Europe,get used to a couple things.
Buildings with no elevators'cause they're old.
Buildings with no A.C.'cause they're old.
A lot of warm beverages,and interestingly enough,
if you're lucky to get ice,they're gonna put three cubes,
and you better be happy.
Don't be an idiotlike I was
when I was in Franceand the guy gave me three cubes,
and I'm like,"I'm sorry, monsieur.
Uh, can I havesome more ice, please?"
[French accent]"Oh, ze American asshole
wants more fucking ice, huh?"
[normal voice]"Is it harder to freeze water
"in this part of the worldor something?
"Because I asked for ice,not a penguin.
I don't understandyour reaction."
And he looks at me,and he goes,
[French accent] "You area typical American asshole.
[normal voice] Yeah.And I went, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Don't ever tell meto 'suck it' in French,
assuming that I don't knowyour language."
[speaking in French]
He's like,"Oh, really?"
I'm like, "Oui, oui.
"I believe we started offon the wrong foot.
"Why are you upsetthat I asked you for ice,
"being that I thinkit's really meaningless,
and I don't understand this?"
And he goes,"I will tell you ze problem.
"People come to Francefrom all over ze world,
"and they askfor a cold beverage,
"but ze only people who complainare ze Americans.
"Why? Why is this, eh?
"Do you see that black man?He is from Africa.
"He asked for a cold beverage.We give him three cubes.
Look at how happy he is.Why is he so happy?"
"Because he's from Africa,
and he's probablynever seen ice before."
He's probably gonna callhis friends and be like,
"Unbuntu, you are not goingto believe dis.
"Dey froze water!
Like a rock!Like a rock!"
"I, sir, on the other hand,am not impressed by ice.
"But it doesn't comefrom a place of arrogance
"like you think.
"It comesfrom a place of humility.
"You see, in America, we expecta nice restaurant like this
"to have ice, and do you want meto tell you why?
"Because in America,when we go out to eat,
"not at the great restaurants,not at the good ones,
"not at the okay ones,not at the mediocre ones,
"but at the crappiest oneswe have,
"they actuallydon't give us a beverage,
"nor do they give us ice.
"They actually give usan empty cup
and point usto this magical machine."
"And we put it in,and ice just comes out of it!"
And for some reason,toward the end,
a big chunk falls in.
Right? It does.And by the time you pull out,
you're like, "There's waytoo much ice in here."
So we pour some of it out!
And then we fill it upwith Diet Coke,
'cause we're really fat.
By the way, that jokeis gonna be hysterical
the next time you goto one of those places,
and you're about to get it,
and you see all the iceunder the grate.
People are gonna be like,"Why are you laughing?"
"You don't understand.The guy was like,
"'Three cubes, three cubes.'
"And the African is like,
"'You are not goingto believe this.
You are not goingto believe this.'"
My dad's a badass.
My dad's a real dude.My dad doesn't play games.
He's just an honest guy,you know what I mean?
First of all,my dad was born in Honduras,
orphaned at the ageof four, okay?
The man worked for moneysince he was six.
The dude didn't wear shoestill he was 12.
He immigrated to America,
moved all his family--us--to East L.A.,
where all the Mexicanstreated us like crap,
because they would say--and I quote--
"Eh, you're from farther."
"But I have papers, bitch!"
"I win. I win."
My dad got his thumb cut offin an industrial accident,
and the dude went to workthe next day.
That's my dad.That's my real dad.
You think you have problems,telling your dad,
"Hey, man, life is hard,"
and your dad going,"When I was a kid..."
My dad didn't even talk.
My dad didn't evensay anything.
I remember I came homeat 16 years old, and I go,
"Hey, Dad, I'm takingA.P. calculus at school.
"Oh, my God!
That's the hardest thingI've ever done in my life!"
My dad would go, "Neh!"
"Why you got to bean asshole, Dad?"
Oh, my God.Here's a real one.
You can follow my Twitter feed,and this is real.
I lost my voicein Memphis, Tennessee,
all right,about ten months ago.
I'm freaking out,because as you know,
my voice is all I got.
This face is doing nothingfor my career.
And some of youare like, "Eh."
No, let's be real.I get it.
Hot chicks come up to meall the time,
and they're like,"Oh, my God, you are so funny.
I almost peed my pants,"and then they just leave,
so this faceis doing nothing for me.
I'm like a stripperwhen they turn the lights on.
"Hi--Oh, my God!"
[imitates dinosaur squawking]
So I'm freaking out, right?
I'm in the car freaking out,and my dad calls me up.
"Hey, what's going on? I heardsomething happened to you."
[raspy voice]I go, "Dad, I lost my voice.
"I can't talk,and I have two shows tonight,
"and I don't want to cancel.
"But I don't know what to do,because the doctor said
"he's gonna give mea steroid shot
"and a cortisone shotright in my throat.
"And remember when I was ten,
"and I got bit by the dogwith rabies,
"and they gave me the 14 shotshere on my stomach?
I'm scared, papi. I don't know what to do!"
And my dad goes,"I know it must be hard.
"It must be hard.I can't--
"Is it as hard asnot having a thumb, pussy?
"Because I can't evenhold a microphone!
I can't even hold a-- mira, mira!"
"I can't even pleasureyour mom.
"I don't have a triggerfor the gun.
You know?I don't have it."
"Huh? I have to go like that,and then like that,
and then like that,and then like that."
"And if she wants meto play with both,
"I have to go like this.I have to go like that.
That's how I fingeryour mom."
"Thanks, Dad."[imitates retching]
- The other day somebodywas talking about immigration
on the news, okay?
That's good.Talk about it.
But it's always on the Rightor on the Left, right?
So right nowI'm in a legal battle
with oneof the news networks, right?
I'm gonna tell you a story,
but I can't tell youwhat news network it is.
Legally I can't tell you.
What I can tell you is
it starts with a "C,"
and it ends with an "N."
See, you know some of youwere like, "C-SPAN, C-SPAN.
Bet you it was C-SPAN."
So here's what it is.
They call you from thesenews networks, right?
And then they say,"Hey, what side are you on?"
Like, what do you meanwhat side am I on?
And then theythrow things at you,
and you end uphaving to defend things
that you don't believe inbecause you chose a side
as opposed to talkingabout a subject.
So, in December, they called meup from this news network,
and they're like, "Hey, Carlos,uh, we're doing a panel.
"We're gonna talk about thethings that occurred in 2010,
and we'd love for youto be a part of it."
I said, "I would love to!What are we gonna talk about?"
And that's when the guygot all weird on me.
He's like, "Oh, before we getinto the subject matter,
I want to know--what's your angle?"
And I'm like,"Uh, erect."
"No. Where are youcoming from?"
"My house.Are these the questions?
'Cause I'm gonna kick assin this interview!"
And he goes,
"All right, let me clarify.
Are you a Democrator a Republican?"
"I'm neither.""Well, why not?"
"Because I'm kind of smart, andI don't enjoy being half wrong
all the fuckin' time."
[cheers and applause]
Why don't youjust have the balls
to ask me what youreally want to ask me,
which is, am I a liberalor a conservative?
And he goes, "Well, are youa liberal or conservative?"
And I said, "Yes."
See? See?Look at some of you.
"You're still confusing me!"
Well, what are wetalking about?
I am a liberal,and I am a conservative.
Are we talkingabout my daughter?
'Cause if we're talkingabout my daughter,
I'm a staunch conservativethat believes
in staunch conservativeJudeo-Christian
biblical-basedBible Belt values.
But when it comesto your daughter, I'm a liberal.
- 'Cause my dad's coolwith laughter.
My dad's, like,real like that.
And what my dad taught mewhen I was a kid was,
if you're realand you're honest,
it'll cut through the B.S.
Just stick to it. Right nowI'm gonna tell you a story.
Every man in this roomis gonna want to laugh,
but the majorityof you won't,
because you're slaves tothe lies that you've told before
and now you can't deviatefrom it, all right?
Here's what happened.All right, I'm four years old.
First lessonin "be real to the extreme."
I'm walking bymy mom and dad's bedroom.
I stop. I look in.
My mom looks at my dadand goes, "Oye...
do I look fat in this dress?"
And my dad goes,"Don't be stupid.
You look fat in everything."
See, look at all the guys."Ha ha, eh...
My dad stuck to his guns.Flipped it on my mom.
'Cause my mom got mad and went,"You're an asshole."
"How am I the bad guy?
"You're fat, and I'm taking youto dinner to get fatter.
How am I the bad guy?"
"I'm gonna feed you.Then I'm gonna 'mmm' you.
How am I the bad guy?"
And then my mom goes, "Ay, viejo, you're so funny."
The man's a genius...
because when you're reallike that, that's when it's fun.
And that's a big problemthat we have in America--
an inability to be realwith the good and the bad.
Just be real.
Like most of you--I'm gonna be real.
Most people out thereshould not watch the news,
because you don't understandthat the news
is there to scare usto watch more news.
That's what they're good at.That's what they're amazing at.
You know when it started?1999.
You rememberwhat they did in 1999?
"Oh, the Y2K bug. Everythingwith a computer's gonna stop.
Every car, everything."
And what did we do?We stayed home and did what?
Watched television.That's what we did, like idiots.
"I wonder what's gonna happen!I wonder what's gonna happen!"
'Cause it's bullshit,that's why.
They scare us.That's what they're good at.