Weinstein, Hobbs

  • Season 2, Ep 0217
  • 05/20/1993

Thank you.

The show that doesnot discriminate

based on race, orsex, or anything.

Age.

Any of that stuff.

Which reminds me that whole gaysin the military debate that's

going on.

I can't understand that.

They're debatingon whether or not

to allow gays in the military.

Surprise.

They're already in the military.

I mean, why don't wedebate whether or not

we're going to allowpigeons in New York City.

You know.

They're already here.

I'm not saying that gay peopleare like pigeons, although they

do both seem to beattracted to brownstones.

Um, but actually.

Actually, I, I I, uh, Idon't have any problem

with gay people inthe military at all.

I would keep theout of baseball.

No, that's a joke.

I-- as a matter of fact,I have no problem gays.

In fact, I've thoughtabout being gay myself.

You know, you have a fightwith your girlfriend,

I have a fight withher and I'm all upset,

and then I'm out at theball game with my buddy,

and I'm thinking, hey wouldn'tit just be so much simpler

if he and I could justwork out some kind of way--

-Whoa.JAKE JOHANNSEN: That we could--

-Whoa.

Whoa.

Wait a-- Whoa.

Time out.

What are you talking about?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: What?

-We're at the ballgame,we're watching the game,

and you're notwatching the game.

You're thinking about like,smooching me or something.

What are you talking about?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Hey.

Well.

For.

Hey.

OK, first of all I smooch.

I didn't say that.

And second of all, Iwasn't talking about you.

-But, I'm--

JAKE JOHANNSEN: It's not--it's not about you, man.

It's not about you.

-Really?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Yeah.

-Well, who?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: I don'tthink that matters, OK?

I mean, we're in the--

-What do you meanit doesn't matter?

I'm home.

You're at a ballgame without me.

You're there with some beefcake,having sexual fantasies?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Hey.

-While you're in theseventh inning stretch.

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Hey.Well.

Hey, wait a second.

I didn't.

Now.

There's no beefcake,and no sexual fantasies.

I just said I was having afight with my girlfriend,

and, and I thought--

-Fine.

Fine.

You can twist yourwords however you want.

I know what I heard.

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Listen--

-I hate you.

Don't ever touch me again.

JAKE JOHANNSEN: I'm-- I'm sorry.

OK.

I think we can, I thinkwe can work this out.

We'll go back, and we'll talk.

I have to bring outthe first comedian OK?

-It's the firstcomedian, isn't it?

JAKE JOHANNSEN: It isnot the first comedian.

Just go in the back, and I'lltalk to you in a little bit.

OK.

It's-- it's all right.

Just go in the back.

I think the scariest dinner foodpossible is Hamburger Helper.

No, it is.

You know the stuff causesmutations, because the hand

on the front of the packagehas only four fingers on it.

Your kids are like, thanks, Ma.

Great meal.

You want more, dad?

No, I'm OK, son.

I was on the phone today.

And here's the worstmoment on the phone.

Somebody calls youwith the wrong number,

then they call you back againto verify their stupidity.

Is there specialequipment for this?

Retard redial.

Here's another unneeded move.

Never do this.

Never ask somebody who doesn'thave a watch what time it is,

because they still gothrough the motions.

You know what I mean.

It's like, excuse me, sir,can tell me what time it is?

No, I can't.

What are they, the half helpful?

You want them aroundwhen you're drowning?

You know?

Hey, do you havea life preserver?

Thunk.

No, I don't.

Everybody does this one, too.

You're a passenger in a car.

Somebody's drivinglike a lunatic.

So you reach for the seat belt.

You pull it down.

You can't find thething to put it in,

so you just holdit by your side.

What are we thinking now?

Well, I am closer tosafety then I was.

Only men do this one.

If a man is drivingalone, invariably his arm

is around the passengerseat thinking,

if a woman were to dropin, I would be ready.

I was just drivingout in the Midwest,

where Doctor Kevorkian,the suicide doctor lurks.

You've heard about him?

How do you likethat word pairing?

Suicide doctor.

That's like pyromaniac firemen.

Suicide doctor.

What's malpractice for this guy?

You live?

[applause]

The other personI see on the news,

I don't understand itall, is Jesse Helms.

Have you seen him speak?

He's on TV, he goes.

I am opposed to sex education.

Yeah, becauseyou've had neither.

Well, it's spring.

I did my annual springcamping trip last weekend.

Have you camped?

It's a very difficult thing.

Very hard thing.

We got up 4:30 in the morning.

I'm driving with my wife,and I hit an animal.

And she wakes up.

She goes, what happened?

And I say, I hit a possum.

And she goes, youhit an opossum?

No, I'm not sure ifit was an opossum.

It might have been a Mcpossum or Fitz possum.

It is hard to tell if arodent is Irish in the dark.

And now the camping tips begin.

She's like, Rob the mostcommon bears we'll see

are brown, black, and grizzly.

I'm like, honey, we see anythingbut Yogi, Smokey or gummy,

I'm gone.

Rob, if a bear attacksyou, played dead.

Mary, if a bearattacks me, I am dead.

Well, you know what I mean, Rob.

Play possum.

Have the bear hit me with a car?

Because, you know, thebear's wife would be like,

you hit a Weinstein.

And the bear wouldbe like, I'm not sure

if it was a Weinsteain,it might have

been a Bernstein or a Feinstein.

It is hard to tell if ahuman is a Jew in the dark.

Now we're out of the car,and we're in the woods.

My wife is inspecting everyblade of grass in the forest.

I'm like, honey,what are you doing?

She goes, I'm lookingfor toxic snakes.

Remember, black on theirback, they don't attack.

I'm like, honey, remember this.

Snake on the ground,I'm not around.

The first one wesee, I'm in a tree.

So the big event of the wholetime is, we went to eat.

We sat down to eat, and a large,black bug with a big red blotch

starts crawling up my leg.

And my wife says, kill him.

And I say, are youtalking to me, or the bug.

And she says, Rob, kill him.

And I say, Mary, letthem walk off on his own.

And she says kill him.

And I say, Mary, thatis a black widow spider.

If you don't want to be awhite widow yuppie, shut up.

All right, everybody.

New York.

Badda Boom, Badda Bing.

I'm very excited to be here.

Actually I was very excitedbefore I left the West coast,

because I went to mygrandmother's 75th birthday

party.

Whoa.

It's so funny.

Every year she willalways complain

that she doesn't get good stuff.

So what I did this year,saved up all the money

that I made in comedy, and Igot her a blue velour shirt.

She was so excited.

She walked around the houseall day going, dark blue.

Light blue.

Dark--

She was psyched, man.

She was like, look, Chris,dark blue like mine slippers.

Light blue like my hair.

I got her some othergood stuff too,

like remember those littlecars when you were growing up.

And you used to go,zoom, zoom, zoom.

And they would go by themselves.

I got her a walker like that.

No, it's really cool man.

You do it like 50 times,drives her right to Kmart.

And my grandma always says thatshe never gets any phone calls.

So for her birthday, Iput one of those, how's

my driving bumperstickers on her car.

The phone's pretty muchringing off the hook now.

And my grandma's so happy.

Every time the phonerings, it's like, hello?

Why yes.

This is the old bagwho can't merge.

My grandma is cool, though.

A big sports fan.

She loves the 49ers, you know.

But I don't think sheknows that much about

football, because I canhear her in the other room,

watching a game.

All I hear is, touchdown 49ers.

And then like 10 secondslater, touchdown 49ers.

I was like grandpa,you better go in there

and explain instantreplay again.

My grandma lovesTV, though and she's

always watching oldmovies and music.

And she loves musicals.

That's her favorite.

I just think musicalsare so stupid.

Did you ever see-- And there'salways like two people just

talking.

All of a sudden, there'slike this huge orchestra

from nowhere.

And one of the people startssinging to the other person.

And the other person doesn'tact surprised, or anything.

I mean, I always halfexpect them to say,

did you just make that up?

Because that is areally good song, man.

That is great.

You guys look good.

You look like you work.

That's cool.

I don't know if youdo, but if you do work,

I'm sure you canrelate, man, to this.

Did you ever do this?

Did you ever work, you're likein a back room storage area,

you know, somewhere private.

And you're shooting up heroin.

And someone walks in on you,and you're just totally busted,

you know.

And you're tryingto be cool about it,

you're like, oh, heyFrank, what's up?

You know, you've got like aneedle hanging out of your arm.

And thinking quickly, yousay something like, oh, man.

Do I suck at darts, or what.

A little heroin.

It's New York.

Whoa.

Alright.

Any heroin addicts here,or anything like that?

You can always tellthe real heroin people.

They clap like this.

[applause]

More.

More.

Anyway, you guysare a great crowd.

I actually have to do-- getready to get out of here.

Before I do,thought, by applause.

How many people drinkingand driving tonight?

Oh, bad move, man,because I'm a cop.

I'm just kidding.I'm a comic.

Chris Hobbs.

How're you doing?

Alright.

So, uh, that's so cool thatyou can drink and drive.

It seems so funny, youknow, but I'm always

afraid I'm goingto get in trouble.

I've been like that forever.

I can remember being 16.

Trying to get intoan R rated movie.

My heart would justbe freaking out.

And then I turned 20, andwas trying to buy beer.

It's like the same thing.

And what's going tohappen when I'm only 54,

and I'm at theIHOP, and I'm trying

to get that seniorcitizen's discount.

Anyway, you guys havebeen a lot of fun.

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