Tuesday, January 7, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 1002
  • 01/07/2014

Doug Benson, Moshe Kasher and Grace Helbig create names for failed college bowls, pitch unusual items on Etsy and think up unappealing Facebook groups.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

[ APPLAUSE ]FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN WITH

THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS AHUNDRED POINTS.

MAKING HER DEBUT AT THE ZOO INWASHINGTON, BAO BAO -- THIS

INCIDENT WAS EXPLOITED BY GAWKERWITH WHICH HEADLINE?

WHAT WAS THE HEADLINE?

BAO BAO GETS A BOOBOO?

OR B, PAN-DUH.

OR C, STUPID PANDA BABY FALLS ONREPORTERS.

DOUG BENSON?

>> B, PAN-DUH.

>> THE CORRECT IS C, STAY TUNEDPANDA BARE FALLS ON STUPID FACE

IN FRONT OF REPORTERS.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

>> YOU KNOW THIS IS WEIRD FOR METO SAY THIS.

BUT I CAN EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOINGON WITH THAT PANDA.

>> YOU CAN?

>> YEAH.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, CAN WE SHOWTHE CLIP?

>> OH, SURE.

[LAUGHTER]>> YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY

ABOUT BAO BAO, THIS ISN'TSTRONG.

I CAME ON SECOND PLACE ON@MITTNEED THREE TIMES ON THIS STUFF.

>> THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

>> I'M EXCITED TO BRING THETWEET OF THE DAY BACK.

LAST NIGHT'S WINTER WASMIDWSTRN VALUES WITH TWEET OF

THE DAY, "CHARLOTTE'S WEB"SERIES.

LAST NIGHT'S CHAMPIONSHIP GAMEMARKED THE END OF COLLEGE

FOOTBALL'S BOWL SEASON.

CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES.

COMEDIANS IN HONOR OF THE EVENT,TONIGHT'S #IS -- REJECTED BOWL

GAMES.

#REJECTEDBOWLGAMES.

SO EXAMPLES ARE THE SARS BOWL ORANY BOWL WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE.

60 SECONDS.

READY, GO.

>> FINGER BOWL.

>> GRACE HELBIG.

>> THE OTHER TWO MEMBERS OF THEDESTINY'S CHILD BOWL.

>> THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC BOWL.

>> MOSHE KASHER.

>> BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.

>> I GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

IT WORKS.

DOUG BENSON?

>> PACK-A-BOWL.

>> THEY LOVE YOU.

>> TWO THINGS.

ONE [BLEEP] YOU!

TWO, POINTS.

>> MOSHE KASHER.

>> D, NUTS BOWL, PRESENTED BYPLANTERS.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

THEY SHOULD HAVE THAT.

DOUG?

>> TUPPERWARE BOWL.

[LAUGHTER]>> I DON'T EVEN THINK TUPPERWARE

COULD HAVE CONTAINED THEEXCITEMENT AND THE ENTHUSIASM

BUT I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSANYWAY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY ETSYPITCHMEN , THE FIRST OF THE NEW

SEASON.

NOW, IN THE REAL WORLD RETAILSTOORS GO OUT OF BUSINESS WHEN

THEY CAN'T PAY RENT.

BUT ON ETSY YOU CAN SELLANYTHING YOU WANT, KEEP YOUR

DOORS OPEN AS LONG AS THEY DON'TTAKE YOUR COMPUTER AWAY.

THEN THEN IT WILL BE AN ETSYSERVER SO YOU'RE FINE.

I WILL SHOW YOU STRANGE ITEMSFROM ESSY AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE

ME A KILLER TAG LINE TO HELPSELL IT.

HERE IS ONE.

MILEY CYRUS RELIGIOUS CANNEDSNELL.

>> THIS IS A RED CANDLE BUT ITACTS GLAK GREAT ONE.

>> ORB YOU JUST FIND IT ON TOPOF A BLACK CANDLE.

>> IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSETHE LINES ARE BLURRED.

THANK YOU.

>> MOSHE KASHER, I GAVE YOUPOINTS BECAUSE YOU'RE ♪ A GOOD

GIRL ♪♪ .

>> NEXT ONE?

>> THE PERFECT GREETING CARD FORTHE CREEPIEST CAT LADY IN YOUR

LIFE.

THE ONLY THING CREEPIER IS THISCARD.

THAT'S HOW JUST A CAT WOULD BEIN YOU AND THEN EXIT YOUR BODY,

FUR AND ALL.

>> I THINK THIS IMAGE IS EVENMORE DISGUSTING IF YOU IMAGINE

SHE PUT IT THERE IN THE FIRSTPLACE.

MEOW-CH!

ME-OUCH!

>> THIS IS FROM HOARDERS,EXTREME EDITION.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

GO BACK TO THAT IMAGE RIGHT THISSECOND.

SO WE CAN SHOW THIS BUT YOU HAVETO PICKS ILL LATE THE TITS OUT?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WELL, WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BEOFFENDED BY A NIPPLE.

THERE IS A CROSS-SECTION OF ALADY WITH A CATS COMING OUT OF

HER VAGINA BUT IF THERE'S ONEMILLIMETER OF NIPPLE, IT'S GOING

TO GET CRAZY!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THIS IS WHAT IS FUN.

SEE, THAT BIG PUSSY COMES OUT OFTHAT BIG [BLEEP]

AND IF MY STANDARDS AND PRACTICEAND CIRCULATIONS ARE CORRECT

ONLY ONE OF THOSE GOT BLEEPED.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS, WHAT?

>> POINTS!

THANK YOU.

#FML OR HAD JUST YOLO.

>> SOME DAY WHEN ALIENS VISITEARTH AND DETERMINE WHAT HUMANS

WERE LIKE BEFORE EARTH WENTEXTINCT, THERE WILL BE TWO

PHRASES THAT WILL FULLYARTICULATE WHAT SOCIETY STOOD

FOR.

I WILL READ A BUNCH OF TWEETSAND YOU HAVE TO TELL MEs WHICH

ONE.

>> HERE IS THE FIRST.

ANAL UNDER RATED IN CLEANSING.

>> HANG ON TO THAT.

WE MR. GET TO YOUR ANSWER.

>> I DON'T FEEL LIKE THE ACTITSELF SHOULD BE THE CLEANSING

PART.

MOSHE KASHER?

>> IF IT WAS FMA, IT WOULD BEONE THING BUT IT'S YOLO.

>> YOLO.

AND BY THE WAY, I THINK IT ISEXACTLY RATED RIGHT WHERE IT

NEEDS TO BE.

>> OH, IT'S A DUDE, THAT'SSOMETHING HE TELLS HIS

GIRLFRIEND.

>> THAT'S MY #FOLLOWFRIDAY NOW.

ROPPED MY COULD BIRTH CONTROL INMY COFFEE AND DRAINED IT.

>> FML?

>> FML.

>> CLUMSY.

COLUMNSY.

OOPS I HAD A BABY.

STUPID DANGER PANDA AND STUPIDDANGER PANDA FACE!

>> THAT GIRL CANNOT GET HER LIFETOGETHER.

>> IS THAT THE PANDA?

WAS THAT THE PANDA FROM EARLIER?

DANGER PANDA SMOKED A BUNCH OFWEED AND DROPPED HIS BIRTH

THIS IS CALL NEW FACEBOOK GROUP.

>> FOORK IS LOUSY WITH ALL THEKIND OF TERRIBLE FACEBOOK GROUPS

THAT MEMBERS LIKE, DRESSING UPAS AN APPEAR AND HE WILL CHASE

FAT PEOPLE.

WHICH IS REAL.

OR ALIEN INTERVENTION RESISTANCEGROUP. OR I HATE WHEN ONE OF

THE STRINGS OF MY HOODY BECOMESLONGER THAN THE OTHER.

THERE'S 1.3 MILLION LIKES BY THEWAY.

THAT CAT CAME OUT OF SOMEONE'SVAGINA!

[LAUGHTER]OVER ON ESTY.

COMEDIANS YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS TOCOME UP WITH FACEBOOK GROUPS NO

SANE PERSON WOULD WANT TO JOIN.

EACH PERSON THAT MAKES ME ANDTHE AUDIENCE LAUGH GETS 250

POINTS.

>> ADULT CHILDREN OFCHOCKAHOLICS.

SCAIBYS BEANIE BABIES.

>> POINTS.

>> WHITE MEN THAT HAVE SLEPTWITH KIM KARDASHIAN.

>> ONE MEMBER.

ONE GUY.

>> JUST ONE GUY.

>> YES.

>> THE OTHER TWO MEMBERS OFDESTINY'S CHILD.

>> DOUG BENSON?

>> FANS OF GRAVITY, NOT THEMOVIE.

>> THAT SHOULD HAVE A LOT BUTNOT AS MUCH AS A HOODY.

POINTS?

>> GRACE HELBIG.

>> I NAMED MY PET PIT BULL AFTERTHE MUSIC ARTIST PIT BULL.

>> POINTS.

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