Mirman, Friedlander, O'Neal, Kilmartin

  • Season 5, Ep 501
  • 11/23/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Judah Friedlander, Laurie Kilmartin, Eugene Mirman, and Patrice O'Neal.

YOU KNOW, NEW YORK HAS THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ON EARTH!

BEAUTIFUL!

THAT CLASSY, SMART WALKING

AROUND CENTRAL PARK

GOIN' ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS.

AND THEN THERE ARE THE MEN...

FELLAS, FELLAS, FELLAS.

LET'S STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

GIVE THESE WOMEN SOMETHING

TO BELIEVE IN.

I SEE ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL

WOMEN--

IT'S TRUE.

AND THEN YOU SEE THE DUDES

HANGING OUT.

YO, YO.

YO, SWEETNESS.

YO, YO.

OH, YOU DON'T WANT THIS, RIGHT?

OKAY, THEN.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

SO, LET'S KICK THIS SHOW OFF.

ON LINE--

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU SIGN UP

FOR A CREDIT CARD OR A BANK

ACCOUNT AND YOU CALL

TO ACCESS THE ACCOUNT?

YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM YOUR

MOTHERS MAIDEN NAME.

WELL, THIS CREDIT CARD THAT I

SIGNED UP FOR ALLOWED ME TO PICK

THE QUESTION THAT THEY ASK ME

AND THE ANSWER I GIVE THEM.

SO, NOW WHENEVER I CALL,

THEY HAVE TO ASK ME WHAT AM I

WEARING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HAVE TO RESPOND, "I DON'T

THINK THAT'S APPROPRIATE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M ACTUALLY IN KIND OF A WEIRD

MOOD 'CAUSE I BROKE UP TODAY

WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

YEAH.

WELL, NEITHER OF US WERE GAY

AND, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

WE WERE JUST DOING IT TO UPSET

OUR PARENTS...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

AND THE CHRISTIAN RIGHTS.

SO...

I ACTUALLY DO.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I EVER

HAD SEX.

I WORE A CAPE AND GOGGLES.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW.

I THINK RELIGION IS KIND OF

MESSED, YOU KNOW,

LIKE CATHOLICISM OR JUDAISM.

YOU KNOW, ARE YOU REALLY GONNA

BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ

IN A SCROLL?

OR SHINTOISM?

I MEAN, A REFERENCE FOR NATURE

SPIRITS AND ANCESTORS WITH

NO FORMAL DOGMA?

GET REAL JAPAN.

THIS GUY WHO'S PROTESTING

GENETIC ENGINEERING.

AND I WAS STARING AT HIS SIGN

AND READING IT.

AND THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AND

HE GOES, "SOCIETY'S GOT A LONG

WAY TO GO."

AND I SAID, "I KNOW.

I'M FROM THE FUTURE."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE WAS LIKE, "HOW IS IT?"

"YOU KNOW, LIKE, YEAH, YEAH,

YEAH.

IT'S ALL RIGHT."

SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

THE STREET, IT IS NEVER FUNNY

TO PICK UP A CHILD AND RUN.

FOR EVEN FIVE FEET.

I HAVE THIS VERY CUTE LITTLE

GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

AND I WAS TAKING IT FOR A WALK.

AND THIS WOMAN COMES UP TO US

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, HE'S SUCH A

CUTE DOGGIE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME LITTLE DOGGIE?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

HOW OLD ARE YOU LITTLE DOGGIE?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO LONDON

LITTLE DOGGIE?"

AND I'M LIKE, "IT DOESN'T SPEAK

ENGLISH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND MY DOG GOES, "THE HELL

I DON'T!"

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

ONCE AFTER THE SHOW, I WAS IN

THE BATHROOM AND I WAS TIEING

MY SHOE.

AND THIS GUY COMES IN AND HE'S

LIKE, "SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M JUST TIEING

MY SHOE.

IF YOU NEED TO PEE I CAN MOVE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU WANT TO GET

A BEAR?"

I'M LIKE, "AH, I GUESS.

MAYBE ONCE I'M OUT OF THE

BATHROOM."

AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, I'M IN

THE BATHROOM."

I'M LIKE, "I KNOW.

I'M ALSO IN THE BATHROOM."

AND THEN, FINALLY I TURN AROUND

AND HE'S ON A CELL PHONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE WASN'T TALKING TO ME AT ALL.

GOOD NIGHT, NEW YORK!

THIS IS WHY I LOVE NEW YORK

CITY.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE.

IT'S A LITTLE PRICEY.

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE THREE ROOMMATES AND ONE

OF MY ROOMMATES IS A PROSTITUTE

AND A TEMP.

WHEN I FIRST MOVED IN SHE GOES

"LAURIE, TURNING TRICKS ISN'T

ENOUGH MONEY IN THIS TOWN.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW WORD AND

EXCEL."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, YEAH!

AND MY MOM TRIED TO CHEER ME UP

WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE.

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW, SWEETIE.

YOUR DAD AND I TOOK OUT A LIFE

INSURANCE POLICY AND WE WANT YOU

TO KNOW THAT WHEN DIE,

GOD FORBID, YOU'RE GONNA GET

A LITTLE HUNK OF MONEY.

SO...

HANG IN THERE."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S SWEET.

I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW THAT RIGHT

NOW.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE I KNEW THAT,

THE THOUGHT OF LOSING MY PARENTS

WAS DEVASTATING TO ME.

NOW IF FEEL LIKE THEY'VE HAD

A GOOD RUN.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

AH-HUH.

WHY DON'T YOU CASH IN YOUR CHIPS

FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

LET LAURIE HAVE A LITTLE SOME,

SOME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I AM IN LOVE.

MY BOYFRIEND, WHO I MET HERE IN

NEW YORK, IS FROM RUSSIA.

YEAH.

IS ANYONE ELSE DOING THAT?

DATING AN IMMIGRANT?

OH.

YEAH!

YEAH.

DON'T SKIP 'EM 'CAUSE THEY TALK

FUNNY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

JUST 'CAUSE YOUR AMERICAN

IS GOODER THAN THEIRS BE.

I TELL YOU, THE BEST THING ABOUT

DATING AN IMMIGRANT IS YOU'RE

ALWAYS GONNA ARGUE WITH

SOMEBODY.

BUT NOTHING HELPS YOU WIN AN

ARGUMENT LIKE HAVING THE I.N.S.

ON SPEED DIAL.

(LAUGHTER)

YES.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

HE GIVES ME BACK TALK,

I POINT TO THE PHONE.

I GO, "DON'T MAKE ME DIAL 7".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE'S GETTING READY FOR HIS

CITIZENSHIP TEST.

SO I'M HELPING HIS STUDY.

AND I'M GIVING HIM POP QUIZZES

ON THE CONSTITUTION.

SO THE OTHER DAY I GO,

"ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

SECOND AMENDMENT, WHAT IS IT?"

(RUSSIAN ACCENT)

"SECOND AMENDMENT IS

RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

AND, AH, SECOND AMENDMENT

IS ACTUALLY MOST IMPORTANT

AMENDMENT IN AMERICAN

CONSTITUTION."

AND I GO, "YOU THINK SO?

YOU THINK IT'S MORE IMPORTANT

THAN THE FIRST AMENDMENT WHICH

IS "FREEDOM OF SPEECH"?

AND HE GOES, "YOU DON'T NEED

FIRST AMENDMENT.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT

WHEN YOU HAVE A GUN."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"I THINK YOU'RE GONNA PASS.

AND I THING YOU'RE GONNA BE

VOTED GOVERNOR OF TEXAS FOR

LIFE."

YEAH.

YES.

(APPLAUSE)

HE'S PRETTY AMERICANIZED.

YOU KNOW THE TIME I CAN REALLY

TELL HE'S FROM THE SOVIET UNION

IS WHEN I TAKE HIM ON THE ROAD.

'CAUSE HOW HE PACKS.

HE PACKS LIKE WE'RE FLEEING OVER

THE BERLIN WALL.

HE'LL BE BRING LIKE,

WIRE CUTTERS, AND A KNIFE...

AND THE PASSPORT OF A DEAD MAN.

I'M LIKE, "HONEY.

WE'RE GOING TO NEW JERSEY.

JUST BRING THE KNIFE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALWAYS SEE CRAZY THINGS HERE

NO MATTER WHEREVER YOU GO.

AH, ONE TIME A SAW A HOMELESS

GUY EATING NAPKINS.

I'M GONNA SAY THAT AGAIN.

HE WAS EATING NAPKINS.

AND I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

AND I'M A GIVING GUY.

SO I GIVE HIM A SLICE OF PIZZA.

AND HE WAS TOUCHED.

HE LOOKED UP AT ME.

HE GOT A TEAR IN HIS EYE

AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU."

AND THEN HE WHIPPED HIS MOUTH

WITH THE PIZZA AND WENT BACK

TO EATING ALL THE NAPKINS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO...

ARE THERE ANY COLLEGE PEOPLE

HERE TONIGHT?

OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH.

I ONLY APPLIED TO TWO SCHOOLS.

JUST TWO.

THAT'S IT.

I APPLIED TO HARVARD AND DEVRY.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE A BACKUP

SCHOOL, EVERYBODY.

SO I WENT TO DEVRY 'CAUSE, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMEHOW...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

THAT HARVARD APPLICATION MUST

HAVE GOTTEN LOST IN THE MAIL

OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS ACTUALLY AT DEVRY ON A

FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

I, AH--

I WAS ON THE DEVRY FOOTBALL

TEAM.

WE WERE DIVISION 84.

WE, AH--

WE PLAYED SOME CANADIAN

JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOLS.

AND MY SENIOR YEAR WE CAME IN

90th PLACE.

SO...

I'M PROUD OF MY LEGACY.

'CAUSE I WAS QUARTERBACK

AND WIDE RECEIVER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.

YOU EVER GET AN OBSCENE PHONE

CALL?

HAS ANYONE EVER GOTTEN

ONE OF THOSE?

YEAH?

THOSE ARE ANNOYING; AREN'T THEY?

YESTERDAY I GOT SIX OF 'EM.

SIX OBSCENE PHONE CALLS.

I'M SITTING AT HOME MINDING

MY BUSINESS.

THE PHONE RINGS.

I PICK IT UP.

AND ALL I HEAR IS...

(IMITATING LOUD HEAVY BREATHING)

I'M LIKE...

[CLICK]

SCREW THAT.

AND THEN A MINUTE LATER IT RINGS

AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE...

(IMITATING LOUD HEAVY BREATHING)

AND I'M LIKE...

[CLICK]

IT'S LIKE, CAN'T THEY THINK OF

ANYTHING BETTER?

AND THEN TODAY I FOUND OUT THAT

MY FRIEND GARY DIED OF

AN ASTHMA ATTACK.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

I WAS LIKE, OH!

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE WAS JUST OVER MY HOUSE

THE OTHER DAY.

AND HE LEFT HIS INHALER.

I, AH--

I WAS GONNA GIVE HIM A RING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY DIDN'T TRY

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.

I MEAN...

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ASTHMA

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE SHY.

I MEAN...

I HAVE ASTHMA.

I CALL PEOPLE.

SO...

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

SO...

WHEN I TURNED 20 YEARS OLD--

20 IS A BIG AGE--

ISN'T IT, EVERYBODY?

20 IS A BIG AGE.

WHEN I TURNED 20 YEARS OLD--

THIS IS PRETTY MESSED UP--

MY PARENTS SAT ME DOWN AND THEY

TOLD ME THAT I WAS ADOPTED.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

THEY WAITED UNTIL I WAS 20

TO TELL ME I WAS ADOPTED.

AND THEN LAST CHRISTMAS

THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE KIDDING.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU MEAN I JUST SPENT THE LAST

10 YEARS TRYING TO FIND OUT

WHO MY PARENTS REAL ARE?

AND NOW I FIND OUT THAT IT'S

YOU JERKS.

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOOK.

I GOT A LOT OF SKELETONS

IN MY CLOSET.

A WHOLE BUNCH.

NOBODY KNOW ABOUT--

A LOT OF EMBARRASSING STORIES--

HERE'S ONE.

I HAD A FIST FIGHT WITH THIS OLD

CHINESE LADY, RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

AH...

IT WAS NOT ACTUALLY LIKE A FIST

FIGHT, IT WAS LIKE A PUSHING,

YOU KNOW...

NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING

TRUE.

SHE CALLED ME A FAT SNITCH.

A FAT SNITCH.

AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

I WAS RIGHT IN THE VILLAGE, MAN,

THIS DUDE DROPS SOME MONEY

ON THE GROUND.

HE KEPT WALKING AND DIDN'T EVEN

KNOW HE DROPPED IT.

I WAS GONNA PICK IT UP.

AND I WAS GONNA SPEND IT.

I WAS GONNA SPEND THIS MONEY,

RIGHT?

AND, AH--

BUT I WAS HERE, RIGHT?

THE DUDE DROPPED THE MONEY IN

THE THIRD SEAT WHERE THIS LADY

IS HERE.

AND I WAS WALKING TO THE MONEY.

AND THIS OLD CHINESE LADY

SAW THE MONEY, TOO.

AND WE BOTH SAW THE MONEY,

AND WE JUST--

AND, AH...

I KNEW-- WHEN WE WAS RACING

FOR THE MONEY--

I KNEW I WAS TOO FAT TO BEAT

HER...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TO THE MONEY.

SO I HAD TO SNITCH ON HER.

I PANICKED.

I'M LIKE, OH, (BLEEP).

"AH, SIR!

SIR!"

I CAUGHT HER.

I CAUGHT HER IN MID BEND,

LIKE SHE WAS BENDING DOWN

TO GET IT, TOO.

AND I--

"SIR, LOOK.

LOOK!"

SHE'S TRYING TO STEAL YOUR

MONEY.

WE COULD'VE SHARED--

WE COULD'VE SHARED THE MONEY.

WE COULD'VE OF SHARED IT; RIGHT?

THAT WHAT SHE GET.

SHE CALLED ME ALL TYPES OF

NAMES.

I'LL LOSE WEIGHT, MAYBE.

AND THAT'S NOT ENOUGH MOTIVATION

FOR ME.

I DON'T NEED TO LIVE THAT MUCH.

YOU KNOW.

SO YOU AUGHT TO HAVE RULES

TO YOUR FATNESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN THE FAT

BECOMES A DISEASE WHERE PEOPLE

FEEL BAD FOR YOU.

I WAS WATCHING JERRY SPRINGER

AND HE HAD A THOUSAND POUND MAN

ON AND THAT WAS IT.

HE WAS A THOUSAND POUNDS.

OKAY?

I'M THREE HUNDRED POUNDS.

THAT MEANS THIS DUDE WAS

THREE OF ME AND ANOTHER DUDE

WITH PNEUMONIA--

HE WAS JUST LAYING THERE JUST...

BREATHING.

THAT WAS HIS JOB.

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING.

(GROANS)

AND PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WERE CRYING.

"OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S A THOUSAND POUNDS.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

(LAUGHTER)

EXACT--

HE ATE.

YOU DON'T--

YOU DON'T CATCH A THOUSAND

POUNDS.

NOBODY STICKS WITH A DIRTY

NEEDLE AND GIVES YOU A THOUSAND

POUNDS.

YOU EAT.

THAT'S A BABY, A KILLER WHALE

OR--

A FULL GROWN SEA LION

IS A THOUSAND POUNDS.

AND WE JUST LET SOMEBODY EAT

UNTIL THEY GET TO THAT POINT.

THERE GOT TO BE RULES.

I GOT MY OWN RULES.

I'LL KILL MYSELF IF EAT--

WHERE UNDER MY STOMACH--

IF I START TO GROW, LIKE WHAT

LOOKS LIKE AN ASS IN THE FRONT.

IF I GROW AN ASS IN THE FRONT...

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA SHOOT MYSELF.

'CAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT GONNA LOSE

WHAT I NEED TO LOSE TO LOSE

AN ASS IN THE FRONT.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT MUCH

EXERCISE.

BUT THIS DUDE HAD TITTIES

EVERYWHERE.

ON HIS NECK, HIS SHOULDERS--

HE WAS JUST FULL OF TITTIES.

I WAS GETTIN' HORNY WATCHIN'

HIM.

I WAS LIKE, YEAH!

HEY, I GOT TO GO, MAN.

YOU ALL TAKE C

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