CC Presents: Jim David

  • 12/10/2000

I MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE DOING

THIS.

I MET A GUY AFTER A SHOW ONE

NIGHT.

HE SAID TO ME, "YOUNG MAN,

YOU WERE VERY FUNNY.

I DON'T GET OUT MUCH.

I'M THE ANNOUNCER FOR THE AMTRAK

RAILROAD, PENNSYLVANIA STATION.

YOU WERE THE FUNNIEST MAN

I'VE SEEN IN NEW YORK, NEWARK,

PHILADELPHIA, WILMINGTON,

BALTIMORE, AND WASHINGTON.

ALL ABOARD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS AND I MET

A GUY WHO WAS THERE FOR

"THE SOLDIER OF FORTUNE,

MILITARY HOME DEFENSE

AND AMMUNITION GUN EXPO."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY BELIEVE THAT ALL

WHITE PEOPLE ARE DESCENDED

FROM ADAM AND EVE, ALL JEWS

ARE DESCENDED FROM EVE

AND SATAN, AND ALL BLACKS ARE

DESCENDED FROM EVE AND

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS

SATAN.

IT IS THE STRANGEST THING.

BUT HE KEPT TRYING TO SELL ME

A GUN FOR LIKE 2 HOURS.

AND FINALLY I SAID, "LOOK.

I DON'T OWN A WEAPON."

AND HE SAID, "WELL, HOW DO YOU

DEFEND YOURSELF?"

AND I SAID, "WIT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN HE SAID, "WIT WHAT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

I WAS JUST ON THIS TV SHOW,

AND THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHAT

WAS ON THE SHOW WAS

MARTHA STEWART.

NOW, I KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR

THE NAME MARTHA STEWART YOU

THINK "COMEDY."

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO HER?

I SAID, "HELLO.

I TRIED YOUR PLANTAIN-COATED

FILLET OF DOLPHIN FISH."

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME,

AND SHE SAID, "AND WHAT WILL YOU

BE DOING ON THE PROGRAM?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'M A COMEDIAN.

I'LL JUST BE TELLING JOKES

AND STUFF."

AND SHE SAID, "OH.

I LIKE A LITTLE AMUSEMENT

NOW AND AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WILL YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'LL JUST BE TALKING ABOUT

WHATEVER I THINK IS WEIRD OR

STRANGE OR PECULIAR, YOU KNOW.

WHAT WILL YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?"

AND SHE SAID, "I'LL BE SHOWING

OUR VIEWERS HOW TO SEW A LIGHTLY

SCENTED, MOTH-REPELLENT ORGANZA

CACHE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "THAT'S WHAT I'LL

BE TALKING ABOUT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I LOVE DOING THIS.

I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WANTED

TO DO.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I WAS A

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR, AND I WAS ALSO

A LIFEGUARD.

SO WHENEVER ANYONE WOULD DROWN,

I WOULD GO, "AND I SHOULD SAVE

THEM BECAUSE...?"

(LAUGHTER)

I LIVE RIGHT THERE, RIGHT HERE,

UNDER THE BRIDGE.

NEW YORKERS ARE THE BIGGEST

BUNCH OF SNOBS YOU HAVE EVER

SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE--

THEY HAVE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT,

AND THEY HATED ALL OF IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY COULD CLIMB TO THE TOP OF

MT. EVEREST AND GO, "OH, WELL,

THIS IS OVERRATED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A DRAFT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM

THE SOUTH.

I'M FROM THE GREAT STATE OF

NORTH CAROLINA.

THAT'S THE STATE THAT GAVE YOU

SENATOR JESSIE HELMS,

JIM AND TAMMY BAKKER,

AND TOBACCO.

THAT'S 3 CANCER-CAUSING AGENTS

RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

I AM WHITE TRASH AND PROUD.

I WAS RAISED IN AN

UPWARDLY-MOBILE HOME.

SO I PREFER TO BE CALLED

"TRASH DE BLANCHE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY JUST SAW ME

AND THEY SAID, "OH, YOU'RE FROM

THE SOUTH.

I'M FROM FLORIDA."

(LAUGHTER)

FLORIDA'S NOT THE SOUTH.

WHEN YOU'VE GOT TWO ALTACACAS

SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON A

PARK BENCH AND ONE OF THEM SAYS,

"WELL, I USED TO KEEP A KOSHER

TABLE, BUT I DON'T ANYMORE,"

THAT'S NOT THE SOUTH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE SOUTH IS WHERE I'M FROM

WHERE THEY'RE SITTING IN

THE NUDE IN THE DARK ON A DIRTY

MATTRESS BY THE MOBILE HOME,

SMOKING HAWAIIAN 'CENSE AND

SWIGGING THUNDERBIRD.

DAD SAYS TO MOM, "YOU KNOW,

HONEY, IT DON'T GET NO BETTER

THAN THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S JUST TOTALLY DIFFERENT HERE

IN NEW YORK, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

LIKE YOU ASK DIRECTIONS

IN NEW YORK.

YOU SAY, "EXCUSE ME.

WHERE'S THE HOSPITAL?"

"WHAT ARE YOU, SICK?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, DOWN WHERE I'M FROM,

IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

WHERE'S THE HOSPITAL?"

"WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET IN

THE CAR AND GONNA DRIVE ABOUT

45 OR 50-- HOW FAR?

EARL!

HOW FAR IS HE GONNA GO?!

TO THE HOSPITAL!

(LAUGHTER)

THE HOSPITAL!

'BOUT 45 MINUTES DOWN TO WHERE

THE WATER TOWER USED TO BE.

(APPLAUSE)

THEN YOU'RE GONNA TURN--

LEFT OR RIGHT?

EARL!

WELL, ASK YOUR WIFE!

PEARL!

(LAUGHTER)

WOULD YOU HURRY UP?

HE'S BLEEDING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED

TO HIM.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

HE GOT STABBED!

STABBED!

YOU DID?

I'D GO TO THE HOSPITAL IF

I WERE YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT MAKES SENSE THAT I WORK

IN NIGHTCLUBS BECAUSE WHEN

I WAS A KID OUR HOME HAD A

2-DRINK MINIMUM.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I MAKE FUN OF MY FAMILY,

BUT I LOVE 'EM.

YOU KNOW, THE THING ABOUT YOUR

FAMILY IS YOU'RE CONNECTED

FOREVER BY BLOOD RELATION

TO A GROUP OF FOLKS WHO ARE

REALLY NOT YOUR KIND OF PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MANY YOUNG PEOPLE.

LOOK AT-- LOOK AT YOU.

I COULD BE YOUR DADDY.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(MOUTHING) THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN,

BECAUSE I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY

PATIENCE FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.

EVEN WHEN I WAS IN KINDERGARTEN

I WAS GOING, "WHO ARE THESE

CHILDREN?

(LAUGHTER)

GOD, I NEED A COCKTAIL."

I HAVE A CAT.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I HAVE AN AUTISTIC CAT.

HE CAN'T FIND THE LITTER BOX,

BUT HE CAN FLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE A GAY DOG.

MM-HMM.

HE BARKS LIKE PAUL LYNDE.

WHOOF.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST IN A SILLY MOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON DRUGS.

I REALLY DO.

I'M A FORMER HIPPIE.

I DID DRUGS BACK WHEN THEY WERE

HEALTHY.

(LAUGHTER)

THE ONLY TIME I EVER DID LSD,

I WAS AT DISNEYWORLD.

I DIDN'T GO THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT CAME TO ME.

I WAS SNOW WHITE.

I WAS THE ONE AT THE PARTY THAT

GOT SENT TO THE 7-ELEVEN TO PICK

OUT THE MUNCHIES.

SO AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OF

WALKING AROUND THE STORE,

I ENDED UP AT THE COUNTER

WITH A CAN OF PEACHES AND

A JETSENS' COLORING BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I SAID TO THE GUY,

"WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "YEAH.

GET OFF THE COUNTER."

A LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE DO DRUGS,

WHICH IS A SHAME.

I WAS A FORMER TEACHER.

I TAUGHT SHAKESPEARE TO 7th AND

8th GRADERS IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

THESE KIDS NEEDED REMEDIAL WORK

ON "THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT

COULD."

SOME OF MY KIDS, BLESS THEIR

HEART-- ONE OF MY GIRLS THOUGHT

THAT YVES SAINT LAURENT WAS

THE NIGHT BEFORE SAINT LAURENT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL GET IT.

(LAUGHTER)

SOME OF MY KIDS WERE SMART,

THOUGH.

THEY'D ASK ME QUESTIONS TO WHICH

I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER,

QUESTIONS LIKE: "IF HOMOSEXUALS

DO NOT REPRODUCE, HOW COME THERE

ARE SO MANY OF THEM?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO HOME

SCHOOLING NOW, TEACHING YOUR

KIDS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HORRIBLE?

THE WHOLE POINT OF GOING TO

SCHOOL IS SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE

TO BE AROUND YOUR PARENTS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY WERE

YOUR TEACHERS?

"AND THIS IS THOMAS EDISON.

HE INVENTED THE ELECTRIC

LIGHT BULB BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW

TO CLEAN UP HIS ROOM."

(LAUGHTER)

"AND HE DID NOT TALK BACK TO HIS

MOTHER!"

DON'T YA?

YUP.

I HAVE A COMPUTER.

I READ MY MORNING PAPERS

ON THE COMPUTER.

IT'S JUST HARD TO HOLD

THE COMPUTER ON THE TOILET.

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A LAPTOP.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO

THE LIBRARY ANYMORE, LIKE I DID.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD HAVE TO--

LIKE, SAY YOU'RE GONNA DO A BOOK

REPORT ON "BEOWOLF."

YOU KNOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS GO "YAHOO, BEOWOLF," AND OUT

IT COMES.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD HAVE TO GO

TO THE LIBRARY AND SPEAK TO A

HUMAN BEING AND SAY, "HI.

MISS MEGILLACUDDY, AH, WHERE DO

I FIND INFORMATION ON 'BEOWOLF'?

"OKAY.

YOU GO DOWN ROW A, SECTION C,

GROUP 32.

GO DOWN THAT ROW,

GO UP THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE.

YOU'LL SEE 5,000 SHELVES.

GO DOWN TO SHELF 3,792.

GO DOWN THAT ROW.

VEER TO THE RIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO VEER TO

THE LEFT, BUT VEER TO THE RIGHT.

YOU'LL SEE A BRICK WALL.

PUSH THE THIRD BRICK FROM

THE BOTTOM.

THE WALL WILL OPEN DIAGONALLY.

GO THROUGH THAT WALL.

GO DOWN THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE

TO THE LAKE.

GET INTO THE LAKE.

GET INTO THE BOAT AND CROSS

THE LAKE OF FIRE.

IF YOU'VE RENTED A HELMET,

THE BATS WON'T GET YOU.

WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE,

GO THROUGH THE LABYRINTH.

GO TO THE LEFT, THE RIGHT,

THE RIGHT, THE LEFT, THE LEFT,

THE LEFT, THE RIGHT,

THE LEFT.

LEFT, THE RIGHT, PAST THE THIRD

MUMMY OUT INTO THE WOODS,

DOWN THE HILL, OVER THE RIVER,

UP THE HILL, AND KNOCK ON

THE DOOR OF THE LOG CABIN AND

THERE WILL BE BEOWOLF HIMSELF!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO MANY YOUNG, YOUNG PEOPLE.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU HOW OLD

I AM.

LET'S JUST SAY IT'S SOMEWHERE

BETWEEN 30 AND A WAL-MART

GREETER.

I LOVE GETTING OLDER.

I LOVE IT.

YOU'RE HAPPIER,

MORE WELL-ADJUSTED.

YOU HAVE MORE MONEY.

AND THE OLDER YOU GET,

YOU REALIZE A VERY IMPORTANT

THING.

PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s DO NOT KNOW

A DAMN THING ABOUT ANYTHING.

PEOPLE-- NO.

PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s ARE GOOD

FOR ONE THING: LOOKING BETTER

THAN PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s OR 40s.

SO...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU'RE IN YOUR 20s, STRIKE A

POSE AND SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAME TO VISIT ME.

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE COME

TO VISIT ME HERE.

SOME FRIENDS OF MINE CAME

TO VISIT ME FROM HOLLAND,

AND THEY SAID, "WE WOULD LIKE TO

GO TO HARLEM."

I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

THE DUTCH INFLUENCE HAS WANED

OVER THE YEARS."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NICE TO HAVE BLACK PEOPLE

HERE TONIGHT.

I WAS JUST IN MAINE.

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

THAT IS THE WHITEST STATE

IN THE ENTIRE UNION.

YOU GO TO MAINE, YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'VE BEEN BEAMED INTO THE

LAWRENCE WELK SHOW.

EVERYBODY IS RUNNING AROUND

GOING, ♪ WHITE PEOPLE THROWING

THEIR WEIGHT AROUND,

SHOWING THE WORLD WHO'S

IN CHARGE: WHITE PEOPLE! ♪♪

WHEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK,

MY GRANDMOTHER SAID,

"YOU'D BETTER BE CAREFUL WHEN

YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK BECAUSE

THERE'S...black people."

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

SHE SAID "there's black people."

IT'S LIKE SHE WAS AFRAID EVERY

BLACK PERSON WITHIN 300 MILES

IS GONNA BURST THROUGH

THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW GOING,

"I HAVE YOU NOW."

WHY ARE WHITE PEOPLE SO SCARED

OF BLACK-- WHITE PEOPLE ARE

THE BIGGEST BABY--

WE'RE AFRAID.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.

WE COULD SEE 5 BLACK GUYS

IN ARMANI WALKING TOWARD 'EM

ON THE STREET, AND THEY GO,

"OH, O-O-O-K-AY."

(LAUGHTER)

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID THAT IF

WE GO TO A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD,

THEY'RE GONNA MUG US.

THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER BEEN

MUGGED IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD

WAS BY A WHITE GUY WHO GRABBED

ME, SCREAMING "GET ME THE HELL

OUT OF HERE!"

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.

WE ARE.

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE ASIANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA TAKE

OVER OUR COMPANY AND THEN TAKE

OUR PICTURE.

WE'RE AFRAID.

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE PUERTO

RICANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA HIT

OUR CAR WITHOUT INSURANCE AND

THEN STEAL THE HUBCAPS.

WE'RE AFRAID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE MEXICANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA SNEAK

ACROSS THE BORDER ILLEGALLY,

GO ON WELFARE, AND THEN GIVE US

ALL DIARRHEA.

WE'RE AFRAID.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

AFRAID OF THE ISRAELIS,

AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA TURN OUR

SUBURBS INTO LITTLE SETTLEMENTS

AND THEN BLOW THEM UP.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO PROBLEM

GIVING THE ISRAELIS ALL OF

JERUSALEM, AS LONG AS THEY GIVE

US BACK SOME OF FLORIDA.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANY OF

THAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AFRAID OF THE GAY PEOPLE,

WHITE PEOPLE.

AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO SEDUCE

OUR CHILDREN INTO INTERIOR

DESIGN.

"DON'T DO THAT!"

MY LITTLE OTHER HALF AND I ARE

ABOUT TO CELEBRATE OUR 15th

ANNIVERSARY OF BEING TOGETHER.

IS THAT COOL?

15 YEARS?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW ABOUT THAT?

LOOK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

TO CALL HIM.

IF I CALL HIM MY "PARTNER,"

IT SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE A

LAW FIRM.

IF I CALL HIM MY "COMPANION,"

IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF US IS A

DOG.

AND IF I CALL HIM MY

"BOYFRIEND," IT SOUNDS LIKE WE

SIT AT HOME AND WATCH "BUFFY,

THE VAMPIRE SLAYER," WHICH IS

A REALLY GOOD SHOW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY MOTHER-- MY MOTHER DIDN'T

KNOW WHAT TO CALL HIM, EITHER.

WE WERE DOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA

AT THE MALL AND MY MOTHER SAW A

FRIEND OF HERS SHE HADN'T SEEN.

AND SHE SAID, "AND THIS IS MY

SON JIM.

YOU REMEMBER HIM.

AND THIS IS FRED ROSENBERG, HIS,

UM, JEW-- A FAG-- A FRIEND."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY DAD LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS,

"SO, NOW, WHAT IS IT THAT

THE TWO OF YOU DO?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT DO YOU DO?"

WHAT I SAID: "WELL, YOU KNOW,

DAD, ALL THOSE THINGS YOU REALLY

WISH MOM WOULD DO BUT SHE WON'T?

THAT'S WHAT WE DO."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHING)

OH, LISTEN.

WE WERE IN ISRAEL AND WE WERE AT

THE HOTEL.

AND THE WOMAN BEHIND THE DESK AT

THE HOTEL SAID, "AND I HAVE FOR

THE TWO OF YOU A DOUBLE BED?"

"YES, THAT'S FINE."

"FOR THE TWO OF YOU?"

"YES."

"A DOUBLE BED."

I SAID, "THAT'S FINE."

AND THEN I SWEAR SHE SAID,

"AL-L-L-L-L RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

GOING TO ISRAEL WAS A SCREAM.

BEFORE I WENT TO ISRAEL,

BEING THE SOUTHERN WHITE GENTILE

THAT I AM, I WAS LIKE, "GOLLY.

CAN'T THE JEWS AND THE ARABS

JUST GET ALONG?"

AND AFTER BEING THERE, I'M LIKE,

"NO.

NO, THEY CAN'T.

NOPE.

NOPE."

BUT I'LL TELL YOU.

WE WERE ON A TOUR BUS,

AND THE WOMAN ON THE TOUR BUS

ACTUALLY SAID, "ON YOUR RIGHT IS

THE FAMOUS KING DAVID HOTEL.

AND ON YOUR LEFT IS A CHRISTIAN

ORGANIZATION, YIM-KHA.

Y.M.C.A.

YIM-KHA."

AND ANY SECOND I EXPECTED

THE VILLAGE PEOPLE TO SHOW UP

AND GO, ♪ YEE-EM-KHI-A

(LAUGHTER)

I TRAVEL ALL THE TIME.

I WAS JUST IN ENGLAND.

THE BRITISH ARE GREAT.

THE BRITISH DON'T WANT TO BE

EMBARRASSED ABOUT ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, THEY COULD HAVE THEIR

PANTS AROUND THEIR ANKLES,

AND THEY'RE GOING, "DO YOU FEEL

A DRAFT?"

(LAUGHTER)

I LOVE THE BRITISH NATURE

SERIES, YOU KNOW?

"HELLO.

I'M DAVID ATTENBURO, AND THIS IS

LIFE ON EARTH.

I'M STANDING IN THE MIDST OF

THE SAHARA DESERT, HARDLY A LESS

LIKELY PLACE TO FIND A FISH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, YET, HERE IT IS.

SCIENTISTS FOR MANY YEARS HAVE

TRIED TO DETERMINE WHY THIS

PARTICULAR FISH HAS EXISTED IN

THIS PARTICULAR STAGNANT POOL

FOR 150 MILLION YEARS.

AND SO FAR SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN

UNABLE TO DETERMINE ANY REASON

FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THIS

FISH...AT ALL.

SO I'M GOING TO KILL IT."

(IMITATES GUNFIRE)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE WHO LIVES

IN ENGLAND DOES HER IMPRESSION

OF A BRITISH MAN HAVING AN

ORGASM.

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, DEAR."

(LAUGHTER)

"SO SORRY."

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHILE I WAS IN ENGLAND, I WENT--

NO, SHUT UP.

WHILE I WAS IN ENGLAND I WENT

TO SEE A SESSION OF THE BRITISH

PARLIAMENT.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THEM ON

C-SPAN?

THEY'RE ALL SCREAMING AT EACH

OTHER.

YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE GOING, "NO, I DON'T

AGREE WITH YOU WHATSOEVER.

YOU CAN ALL EAT ME.

YOU CAN ALL GET DOWN ON

ALL FOURS AND MUNCH AWAY.

I DON'T AGREE WITH YOU

WHATSOEVER."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT POLITICAL ANYMORE.

I DON'T CARE.

I JUST DON'T CARE.

I COULDN'T BE A DEMOCRAT BECAUSE

I LIKE TO SPEND THE MONEY THAT

I MAKE.

AND I COULDN'T BE A REPUBLICAN

BECAUSE I LIKE TO SPEND

THE MONEY THAT I MAKE ON DRUGS

AND WHORES.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT OVER HERE.

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

REALLY.

I BELIEVE IN CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

AND SINCE I WAS A FORMER

TEACHER, I BELIEVE IN STARTING

IT AT THE 8th GRADE LEVEL.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANY OF

THEM SAY ANYMORE, DOES IT?

IT'S WHETHER OR NOT WE THINK

THEY'RE CUTE.

THAT'S HOW WE PICK 'EM.

YEAH.

THAT'S WHY THEY OUGHT TO FORGET

THE WHOLE ELECTION AND JUST HAVE

A FASHION SHOW.

"WELL, FIRST UP ON THE RUNWAY,

IT'S DADDY'S BOY,

GEORGE BUSH JR., SO HOT HE'S

BURNING A HOLE IN THE OZONE

IN HIS THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT

DALE EVANS DAY-GLO SWIMSUIT.

WHETHER IT'S COCKTAILS IN KENNEY

BUNGPORT OR A HOEDOWN IN

HOUSTON, GEORGE IS HOTTER THAN A

BURNING KUWAITI OIL FIELD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HERE'S PAT BUCHANAN,

THE ANTI-CHRIST TO THE EXTREME

RIGHT OF THE RUNWAY.

AMERICA'S FAVORITE FASHION

FASCIST IS PUTTING AMERICA FIRST

WITH HIS MUSSOLINI CAMOUFLAGE

COMBAT GEAR.

FROM FOR HETEROS ONLY,

BY ADOLFO HITLER.

AND LOOK!

IT'S BILLY CLINTON, THAT LITTLE

GUY FROM LITTLE ROCK,

SEXY AND SCANDALOUS IN HIS

ARKANSAS STATE TROOPER

GENNIFER FLOWERS LEGAL BRIEFS

WITH EXTRA MATERIAL FOR

UNIVERSAL COVERAGE.

AND, LOOK.

IT'S TIPPER GORE TIPPING

THE LIGHT FANTASTIC IN HER

TOPLESS TENNESSEE HOOP SKIRT

WITH PARENTAL ADVISORY PASTIES.

AND HERE'S THE GOVERNOR OF

NEW YORK, THAT WACKY LACKEY,

GEORGE PATAKI, IN HIS TACKY

KHAKIS BY BOB MACKIE.

AND LOOK WHO'S OUT OF POWER NOW.

IT'S NEWT GINGRICH, TOSSING

THOSE FAMILY VALUES ASIDE AND

SHOWING US HIS TRUE COLORS

IN HIS ROBERT MAPLE-THORP,

CATWOMAN, LEATHER DOMINATRIX

OUTFIT WITH MATCHING WHIP AND

STILETTO HEELS.

WHIP ME, BEAT ME.

TELL ME I'M CHEAP, NEWTS."

HEY, GUESS WHAT.

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