Comedy Central Presents
Season 12

CC Presents: Jordan Rubin

  • Season 12, Ep 8
  • 01/31/2008

[CATCALL WHISTLES]

ALL RIGHT, ALRIGHTY.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON NEW YORK?

- [CHEERS AND WHISTLES]- YEAH!

THIS IS MY HOMETOWN.MY UNCLE'S ACTUALLY FROMBROOKLYN, NEW YORK.

HE HAS A THICK NEW YORK ACCENT.

LIKE INSTEAD OF SAYING,"WHAT TIME IS IT?" HE'LL SAY,

LIKE, "GET OUT OF HERE,I'M DRUNK." LIKE THAT'S--

THAT'S A REALLYTHICK ACCENT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I FLEW HERE YESTERDAY.I'M AFRAID TO FLY.

I LOVE WHEN YOU GET ON PLANESAND THEY'RE LIKE,

"IN THE EVENTOF A CRASH LANDING,

YOUR SEAT CUSHION DOUBLESAS A FLOTATION DEVICE."

IF WE'RE CRASHING,MY SEAT CUSHION IS GONNA DOUBLE

- AS A TOILET.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. NO FLOTATIONGOIN' ON DOWN THERE.

SOME OF THE MY FRIENDSFLY THOSE PRICELINE FLIGHTS.

UGH, I DON'T GET ON THOSE.IT'S LIKE CHICKENS ON BOARD.

PRICELINE, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,IT'S THIS WEBSITE YOU GO ON,

YOU NAME THE PRICE YOU PAY,

AND THEN YOU JUSTDON'T GET A TICKET.

- IT'S GREAT.- [LAUGHTER]

NONE OF THE HASSLESOF FLYING, YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST HEAD HOME WITHYOUR BAGS LIKE, "WHAT?" WHAT?"

I'M GONNA TAKE A CRUISE.THAT'LL BE SAFER THAN FLYING.

SO I CALL THISCRUISE LINE PLACE.AND I WAS LIKE,

"HI, I WANT TO TAKEA CRUISE FOR ABOUT A WEEK.

CAN YOU TELL MEHOW MUCH THAT'D COST?"

THEY'RE LIKE"DO YOU WANT MEALS INCLUDED?"

NO, WE'RE GONNA BE DOINGHUNTING ON DECK ACTUALLY.

PREPARE THE HARPOONS.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GETSTUPID LIKE THAT ON THE PHONE.

LIKE ONE TIME, I CALLEDMY FRIEND JIM AT THE OFFICE.

HE WASN'T THERE. SO SOMEBODYI DIDN'T KNOW ANSWERED.

I GO, "HI, IS JIM THERE?"THE GUY IS LIKE, "JIM?

NO, THERE'S A JOE."YEAH, GREAT PUT HIM ON.

AS LONG AS THERE'SA "J" AND THREE LETTERS,

I'LL HANG OUT WITH HIM'CAUSE I'M LONELY.

ONE TIME I CALLED UPDIRECTORY ASSISTANCE.

"HI, DO YOU HAVE THE NUMBEROF A SAM BECK ON FIFTH STREET?"

SHE GOES, "CHECKING. AH, WE HAVEA RACHEL ANDERS ON THIRD."

- YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY HIM.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UNBELIEVABLE!

ON THE PHONE AND AS IT'S RINGING

YOU FORGET WHO YOU'RE CALLING?IT'S LIKE ALZHEIMER'S STAGE ONE,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG UPIN CASE THEY HAVE CALLER ID.

IT'S LIKE, "HELLO,DO YOU KNOW ME, UH...

I THINK I KNOW YOU.I THINK WE'RE FRIENDLY."

THEY'RE LIKE"THIS IS DOMINO'S PIZZA."

"OH." HOW COME WHEN YOUCALL SOMEONE ON THE PHONE,

YOU WAKE THEM UP,THEY ALWAYS PRETEND LIKETHEY WEREN'T ASLEEP.

LIKE IT'S SO BAD TO BE ASLEEP.IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, BRRRRRING,

"HELLO?" "OH DID I WAKE YOU?""NO. I WAS JUST

SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH A GUN.WHAT ARE WE DOING?

I AM READY TO ROCK."

I USED TO CRANK CALL PEOPLEWHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT WAS MYFAVORITE THING TO DO.

I USED TO CALL THIS GIRL NAMEDANDREA, BUT SHE'D NEVER BE HOME.

I'D BE LIKE, "HEY ANDREA.I'M IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU." AND I'D JUST HEAR LIKE,

"THIS ISN'T ANDREA.IT'S HER MOM. SHE'S OUT."

I'D BE LIKE,"WELL, COULD I LEAVEA MESSAGE FOR HER?

"JUST TELL HERI'M GONNA KILL HER.

AND CAN YOU ALSO TELL HER[Heavy Breathing]."

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.THANK YOU.

YOU EVER GET A NEW CELL PHONE,YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO TRANSFER

ALL THE NUMBERS OVER?SO YOU JUST STOP BEING FRIENDS

- WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHO NEEDS THESE PEOPLE? I DON'TWANT TO HANG OUT WITH 'EM.

SOME OF MY FRIENDS AREWATCHING MOVIES ON THEIR PHONES,

THESE NEW PHONES.I LIKE MOVIES.

I DON'T WANT TOWATCH THEM ON MY PHONE.

I LOVE SUPERHERO MOVIES.I SAW THAT SUPERMAN RETURNS.

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT,BUT HE RETURNS AND--

THERE'S A SCENEIN SUPERMAN RETURNS

WHERE SUPERMAN GETS SHOT INTHE FACE AT POINT BLANK RANGE.

THE BULLETBOUNCES OFF HIS EYE.

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO MEIN THE THEATRE GOES,

- "YEAH RIGHT."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE THAT'S WHERE ITALL CAME APART FOR HIM, RIGHT?

LIKE HE'S SITTING THERETHE WHOLE MOVIE LIKE,

"I CAN SEE THIS GUYFLYING AROUND,

"AND I CAN SEE HIMBEING FROM KRYPTON,

BUT BULLET OFF THE EYE?NO WAY, COME ON."

YOU AIN'T FOOLING ME,HOLLYWOOD.

HOLLYWOOD!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS GOOGLING KRYPTON TODAY.

INTERESTING PLANET,I WILL SAY THAT.

I LOVE GOOGLE.GOOGLE IS AWESOME

BECAUSE ON GOOGLE,YOU CAN JUST, LIKE,

TYPE IN ANYTHINGAND GET IT WRONG

AND IT KNOWS WHAT YOU MEANT.IT'S LIKE PSYCHIC, RIGHT?

LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO I TYPED IN"HOW DO YOU MAKE CUPCAKES?"

AND IT SAID, "DO YOU MEAN,HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE GAY?"

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH. ACTUALLY I DID."

SERIOUSLY.I THINK IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

WELL, YOU LAUGH NOW,BUT YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

ON THIS NEW YORK STREET HEREWHERE I LIKE GETTING MUGGED

- DURING MY OWN SPECIAL.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS JUST TELL MEIF SOMEONE'S-- OKAY.

SO THE INTERNET.I WANT TO NAME ALL MY KIDS

AFTER MICROSOFT WORD FONTS.I THINK THAT'D BE FUN.

COME HERE, COURIER.COME ON. LET'S GO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON TAHOMA.WING DING. GET OFF OF THERE.

WING DING.THAT WOULD BE THE BAD KID.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITE,YOU GOTTA MIX IT UP

WITH THE CHILD NAMES,YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE ALL THE BLACK GUYSGET THE COOL NAMES.

THEY NAME THEIR KIDS,LIKE, SHAKIQUA AND WIKIPEDIA

AND MYSPACE.COM,JUST ALL OF THOSE COOL NAMES.

I WISH I WAS BLACK,THOUGH, SERIOUSLY.

IF YOU'RE BLACK,YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS

IN FRONT OF A GIRLAND BE LIKE, "YEAH."

I'M JEWISH. I TAKE OFFMY PANTS THEY'RE LIKE, "EWWW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I'LL DO YOUR TAXES.I DON'T KNOW IF-- EH, YEAH..."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T HAVE A HUGE PENIS.

BUT I HAVEEVERYTHING IN MY BEDROOM

BUILT TO THREE-QUARTER SCALESO IT LOOKS BIGGER AND AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO GET A TATTOOOF A BIG PENIS ON MY PENIS.

BIG BLACK ONE ON MY WHITE ONE.

AND I WANT TO GET A TATTOOOF NIPPLES ON MY TESTICLES,

JUST SO THEY LOOK LIKEREALLY OLD BOOBS.

I THINK THAT'S GONNA BELIKE THE GUY VERSION

OF A TRAMP STAMP. I DON'T--

ONE OF MY FRIENDSACTUALLY TOLD ME

THAT HE SHAVED HIS PUBIC HAIRTO MAKE HIS THING LOOK BIGGER.

SO I'M THINKING OF JUST LIKE,CUTTING OFF MY LEGS,

YOU KNOW,JUST TO MAKE IT HUGE.

- IT'S GONNA BE THE BIGGEST--- [LAUGHTER]

SO I'M JEWISH. I CHANGED MY NAME'CAUSE IT SOUNDED TOO ETHNIC.

MY NAME ISJORDAN JEWEY JEW HEBREWBURG.

- AND--- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.IT'S AN INTERESTING NAME.

IT'S SEPHARDIC, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT AS BAD ASMY FRIEND'S NAME THOUGH.

BOB SMALL PENIS, BIG NOSE,CONTROLS THE MEDIA-WICZ.

THAT SOUNDS ALITTLE MORE JEWISH.

IF YOU'RE COUNTING, YOU KNOW?

- I WISH I WAS BLACK.- [LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK WHEN THENEW TESTAMENT CAME OUT,

GOD WAS LIKE, "YO, YOU GOTTACHECK OUT THE NEW SHIZZLE.

"BIBLE DROPS MAY 15th, SON.YEAH. YEAH. UH-HUH.

- IT'S MY BIBLE."- [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S MY RAPPER TALK.

YOU NEVER SEE GANGSTER RAPPERSGETTING IN TUNE.

YOU KNOW? LIKEME, ME, ME, ME, ME.

I'M GONNA BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASSI'M GONNA TEAR THAT ASS OUT HA

YOU DON'T SEE THAT.

RAPPERS.I LOVE THEY WAY THEY TALK.

IT'S, "YO, YO.CHECK THIS NEW ONE.

WHERE BROOKLYN AT?WHERE BROOKLYN?"

IT'S LIKE"IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW? GO--GO ON GOOGLE MAPS."

THERE'S ONLY CERTAIN JOBS WHEREYOU CAN TALK LIKE A RAPPER.

AND THOSE JOBS ARE RAPPER.YOU CAN'T BE A HEART SURGEON.

THAT WOULDFREAK PEOPLE OUT, RIGHT?

IMAGINE GOING INFOR SURGERY, LIKE,

"YO, THERE'S A PROBLEMWITH YOUR TICKER, KID.

"GONNA BUST YOU OPEN, SON.GET ALL UP IN THERE. YEAH.

"I WAS LOOKING ATYOUR CAT SCAN, I WAS LIKE,'WHAT THE [BLEEP]?'

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"OH NO YOUR CHOLESTEROL DIND'NIT.OH NO IT DIND'NIT, OH NO."

I'M WRITING ANALL BLACK MYSTERY NOVEL.IT'S A "WHO DIND'NIT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALL MY BLACK FRIENDSCALL EACH OTHER BROTHER.

AND THEY STILLSOUND COOL SAYING IT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP BRO?YO BROTHER?" YEAH.

WHITE GUYS CAN'T DO THAT.WE CALL EACH OTHER BROTHER.

WE SOUND LIKE GAY HARI KRISHNAS.

IT'S LIKE, "BROTHER.COME WITH ME BROTHER.

WE'RE GOING TOTHE LAND OF PENISES NOW.

AND WE'LL ALLWEAR FANNY PACKS."

THAT'S THE GAYESTTHING IN THE WORLD.

A FANNY PACK.IF YOU'RE A GUY--

IF YOU'RE A GUY,YOU'RE WEARING A FANNY PACK,THE ONLY THING INSIDE THERE

IS LIKE A BUTT PLUGAND STREISAND TICKETS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AM I RIGHT? YEAH.

FOR A USED CAR.

IT SAID,"67 CHEVY, MINT CONDITION,SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY."

SERIOUS INQU--ARE PEOPLE CALLING UP LIKE,

"HEY, DO YOU HAVETHAT '67 CHEVY?"

"UH, YEAH THAT'S US.""[FARTING NOISE] DON'T WANT IT.

- [CHILDISH NOISES]."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HONEY, DIDN'T WE PUT"SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY"

IN THAT AD? I COULD HAVE SWORN.

I GOT PULLED OVER FORDRUNK DRIVING THE OTHER DAY.

THE COPS HAD ME WALK THAT LINE.

I SAID THE ONE THINGYOU SHOULDN'T SAY. I SAID,

"STOP WIGGLING IT"'CAUSE THAT GIVES YOU AWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY KNEW I WAS DRUNK'CAUSE MY EYES WERE RED

AND MY HAIR WAS MESSED UPAND THE CAR WAS,

LIKE SMASHED INTO A TREE.YOU KNOW, JUST LITTLE--

LITTLE THINGS THEY PICK UP ON.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY GOT ALL THESENEW DRUNK DRIVING TESTS,

THESE SOPHISTICATED TESTSAND BREATHALYZERS.

BUT I GOT PULLED OVER LIKE, INDEEP RURAL BACK WOODS KENTUCKY.

THEY DON'T HAVE SOPHISTICATEDTESTS FOR DRUNK DRIVING THERE.

THEY JUST PULL OUTA WALLET-SIZED PHOTOOF ROSIE O'DONNELL.

IT'S LIKE,"IS SHE ATTRACTIVE?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "YEAH,SHE'S PRETTY HOT."

HE'S LIKE "YOU HAVE THE RIGHTTO REMAIN SILENT. ALL RIGHT?

JUST GET IN THE CAR."

SOMEONE TOLD ME WHEN THEY MADETHE FIRST STAR WARS MOVIE,

THE ENTIRE CAST AND CREWWAS ON DRUGS,'CAUSE IT WAS THE '70s.

THEY HAD SOME WILD TIMESBACK THEN OR SOMETHING.

THAT KIND OFSEEMS TO MAKE SENSE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE AWRITER'S MEETING FORTHE MOVIE STAR WARS?

I'D BE LIKE,"OKAY DIG THIS MAN.

"HIS NAME IS CHEWBACCA.HE'S A WOOKIE.

- [CHEWBACCA NOISES]- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"NO, THOSE ARE HIS LINES.WRITE THAT DOW-OWN.

SPELL IT RIGHT."ALL THE WRITERS ARE LIKE,

"GEORGE, DO YOU WANNATAKE A BREAK?"

HE'S LIKE"[CHEWBACCA NOISES]."

WHAT IF YOU'RE AN ACTORIN THE '70s

AUDITIONING FOR THE PARTOF A WOOKIE?

THAT'S GOTTA BEEMBARRASSING, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE NEXT."[WOOKIE NOISES]."

- [NOISES CONTINUE]- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

R2D2. HOW DO YOUAUDITION FOR THAT?

"NEXT." "BEEP." "NEXT." "BEEPBEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP."

"NEXT." "ZE PLANE." "ALL RIGHT,YOU GOT THE PART."

THAT'S SOME '70s AUDITIONING. FANTASY ISLAND.

EVERYONE ALWAYS HAD THE MOSTBORING FANTASIES ON THAT ISLAND.

LIKE, "BOSS, BOSS.WHAT'S HIS FANTASY?"

"WELL, MR. REYNOLDS WANTSTO LAY IN A BED WITH FLOWERS."

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONGWITH MR. REYNOLDS?

GLAD I WAS NEVERON THAT ISLAND.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,SO WE NEED 20 BLONDE GIRLS.

"AND, TATTOO,GET YOUR PANTS OFF,

YOU'RE IN THIS ONE, TOO.LET'S GO. COME ON."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- TATTOO. YES.

HE WAS THERE FORTWO WEEKS, MY FRIEND MARK,

AND HE ALREADYHAS A BRITISH ACCENT.

IT'S REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

HE'S LIKE [Accent]"DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?"

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,I WENT TO AFRICA FOR A MONTH.

I DIDN'T COME BACK LIKE[CLICKS TONGUE SPEAKING SWAHILI]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER WEAR THE SAME PAIROF PANTS SO MANY DAYS IN A ROW

THEY START TO SMELLLIKE CHINESE FOOD?

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

LIKE, KUNG PAO CHICKEN?IT'S LAUNDRY DAY. OH NO.

I DON'T EAT CHICKEN.I'M A VEGETARIAN.

I'M NOT A FULL VEGETARIAN.LIKE, I'LL EAT HAMBURGERS

- AND HOT DOGS AND--- [LAUGHTER]

THE ONLY THINGI DON'T LIKE IS VEGETABLES.

I JUST THINKTHOSE ARE REALLY ICK.

I'M GETTING OLD.I THINK YOU KNOW

YOU'RE GETTING OLDWHEN GRUNTING MAKES YOU SIGH.

LIKE THE OTHER DAYI WENT TO SIT DOWN,

- I WAS LIKE, "AHH. OOOH."- [LAUGHTER]

HOW DID BEING TIREDMAKE ME TIRED? I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S SCARY GETTING OLD.I DON'T WANT TO GET SO OLD

THAT I DO THIS.WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU GO DOWN TO FLORIDA,ALL THESE PEOPLE BLAH, BLAH.

I'M GONNA BE AN OLD--IT'S LIKE OIL-- OIL THAT PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA BEAN OLD COMEDIAN. BLAH BLAH.

COME UP TO YOU LIKE"YOU'RE A COMEDIAN?SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."

I DON'T GO UPTO FAT PEOPLE LIKE,

"YOU'RE FAT, EAT SOMETHING."YOU KNOW LIKE--

GO AHEAD MUNCH AWAY.MAMAMAMAMMAMAM.

GO UP TO OLD PEOPLE."YOU'RE OLD. DIE. COME ON.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU DO."- [LAUGHTER]

SCARY GETTING OLD.I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD--

YOU KNOW LIKE I DON'TWANT TO DIE OF SOMETHING

THAT TAKES ALONG PERIOD OF TIME.

BUT I ALSO DON'TWANT TO DIE SO SUDDENLY

THAT I CAN'T HIDE MY PORN.YOU KNOW?

SOMEONE'S GOTTA PROTECTTHE ARCHIVES. AND--

I GOT A GERMAN PORNO MOVIETHE OTHER DAY.

IT HAS SUBTITLES.WHICH IS GREAT,

'CAUSE OTHERWISE,I WOULD HAVE HAD NO IDEAWHAT WAS GOING ON.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I REALLY--WAIT A MINUTE.

HE'S TRYING TO DO SOMETHING--OH. HE'S NAUGHTY.

I HAVE A PORNO MOVIEWHERE THEY TRY TO MAKE

THE WOMAN HAVEAN ORGASM IN IT.

OH MY GOD,IT'S LIKE TEN HOURS LONG.

IT'S LIKE A 6-DISC SET. AND--

I LIKE GOING INTO SEX STORESAND TEASING THE PEOPLE

THAT WORK THERE'CAUSE IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD.

AND YOU TO THE COUNTERAND THEY'RE LIKE,

"CAN I HELP YOU?"YOU SAY, "YEAH.

"I WAS THINKING OF BUYING THATDILDO FOR A FRIEND OF MINE.

"YOU'RE ABOUT HIS SIZE.WOULD YOU MIND RAMMING ITUP YOUR [BLEEP] PLEASE."

OR JUST PICK OUT LIKE,THE BIGGEST VIBRATOR THEY HAVE.

PUT IT ON THE COUNTER.THEY'RE LIKE,

"DO YOU WANT A BAG FOR THAT?"GO, "NO, I'LL WEAR IT OUT.

- ACTUALLY, I GOT THIS."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW COME YOU NEVERSEE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDWHEN YOU'RE DOING WELL?

IT'S ONLY WHEN, LIKE, YOUHAVEN'T SHOWERED OR SHAVED.

JUST, LIKE,SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE

COMING DOWN THE STEPSTO YOUR APARTMENT.

WALKING DOWN THE STREETLIKE, EH, EH.

"OH HEY, SUZY.HOW ARE YOU DOING?

"OH YOU GOT A NEW JOB?THAT'S GREAT.

"OH, YOU'RE RUNNINGFOR CONGRESS?

I GOTTA GET TO THEPORNO SHOP BEFORE IT CLOSES.

- SEE YA LATER."- [LAUGHTER]

I HATE IT WHEN YOU'REHANGING OUT WITH GIRLS

AND THEY DON'TWANT YOU TO HIT ON THEM.

THEY KEEP MENTIONING THEY HAVEA BOYFRIEND EVERY TWO SECONDS.

LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?""ME? I LIVE FAR AWAY."

"OH? WHERE DO YOU LIVE?""BOYFRIENDSVILLE.

"UM, IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE OFI'M SEEING SOMEONE'S BURG.

"RIGHT BY YOU'LL NEVER GETIN MY PANTS VILLAGE--

"OFF [BLEEP] BLOCK HIGHWAYBY THE BLUE BALL'S MALL.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT IS?DO YOU? DO YA? DO YA KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

DO YA KNOW?

WOMEN NEVER HIT ON ME THOUGH.GAY GUYS ALWAYS HIT ON ME.

I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY.I'M STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN

BUT I'M PH BALANCEDFOR A WOMEN, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I SEE IT. I DO.IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.

GAY GUYS ALWAYSHIT ON ME THOUGH.

IT GETS SO ANNOYING.I'LL START TO TEASE THEM.LIKE I'LL BE IN A BAR.

A GUY WILL LOOK OVER AT MEAND SMILE.

JUST TO TEASE HIM,I'LL SMILE BACK.

IF I'M IN A WEIRD MOOD,LIKE, I'LL SEND A DRINK

OVER TO HIS TABLE.YOU KNOW? SILLY ME.

ONCE IN A WHILE,I'LL TAKE HIM BACK TO MY PLACEAND MAKE LOVE TO HIM.

BUT IT'S LIKE,THE NEXT MORNING,

THE JOKE'S ON HIM'CAUSE I'M NOT GAY.

SO THAT'S KINDA--YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR COMING OUT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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