CC Presents: Arnez J.

  • 08/28/2003

THAT'S SO NICE.

I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.

FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO LET

YOU KNOW SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE ALL FAMILY--

NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOU ARE.

WHITE PEOPLE--

Y'ALL WITH US, OKAY?

WE FAMILY TONIGHT.

Y'ALL ARE WHITE NEGROES NOW,

OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY?

DON'T LET ME SEE--

IF SOMETHING HAPPEN,

YOU BETTER BE IN IT.

DON'T LET ME SEE YOU RUN.

DON'T LET ME SEE YOU RUN.

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN

WHITE PEOPLE--

EVERY TIME SOMETHIN' HAPPENS,

Y'ALL GOT THIS LITTLE HOP MOVE

THAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SCARED.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, HEY,

THEY'RE FIGHTIN'!"

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T LET ME SEE YOU DO DAT.

DON'T LET ME SEE.

SEE, THE THING OF IT IS THOUGH--

SEE WITH BLACK PEOPLE--

WHEN SOMETHIN' HAPPENS,

WE DON'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT'S

GOING ON, WE DON'T WAIT TO CALM

AND STAY WITH YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO US,

TALK TO US WHILE WE RUNNING.

A GUNSHOT COULD GO OFF-- BAM!--

AND WE DON'T-- YOU KNOW,

WE COULD BE TALKING.

YOU KNOW, "I'M GOING DOWN

TO THE"-- POW, YOU KNOW,

AND THAT'S IT.

WHITE PEOPLE YOU ALL ARE

SO STRANGE.

I LOVE YOU BUT DARN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SOON AS YOU HEAR ANOTHER-- BAM!

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT WAS THAT?!

OH, MY GOD, COME ON!

UUUUU!"

[LAUGHTER]

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE, MAN,

YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU KNOW, AND I TALK ABOUT--

I DO TRUTH COMEDY.

MY COMEDY'S ABOUT JUST TRUE-LIFE

SITUATIONS.

I TALK ABOUT BLACK, WHITE,

PURPLE, PINK.

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST CARTOONISH.

AND THAT'S WHY I SAY, I LOVE

EVERYBODY.

MY CAUCASIAN BROTHERS AND

SISTERS-- I LOVE YOU ALL

SO MUCH.

OKAY, BUT WHITE PEOPLE QUIT

TELLING ON US SO MUCH, OKAY?

WE KNOW WE STEAL.

OKAY, QUIT TELLING ON US.

IF YOU QUIT TELLING ON NEGROES,

NEGROES MIGHT STEAL YOU

SOMETHING!

WAIT AND SEE WHAT WE GOT WHEN WE

GET OUT THE STORE BEFORE YOU

TELL.

YOU MIGHT WANT SOME.

'CAUSE TELL ME SOMETHING,

PEOPLE OF COLOR, IF YOU SEE

SOMEBODY BLACK OR LATINO

STEALING OUT OF A STORE,

ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ON HIM?

NO.

BUT YOU'LL LAUGH AT 'EM.

"NO, HE'S NOT TRYING TO STEAL

A WHOLE COAT-- OH--

OH, COME HERE--

HE'S GETTING IT--

HE'S GETTING IT."

THEN WE'RE GOING TO BE

CHEERLEADERS.

"RUN, RUN!"

OH, NO.

CAUCASIANS YOU ALL ARE RIGHT

THERE "OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE

STEALING.

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

THEY'RE OVER HERE.

THEY'RE OVER THERE.

NO, THEY ARE OVER HERE!

GOD, THEY'RE STEALING OUT OF

YOUR STORE RIGHT NOW--

STEALING OVER THERE.

THEY'RE GETTING AWAY.

I'M GOING TO FOLLOW 'EM, OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I TELL TRUE COMEDY.

IT'S JUST CARTOONISH.

AND FIRST OF ALL I'D TO GIVE

PRAISE TO MY GOD AND SAVIOR,

LORD JESUS.

HE IS NUMBER ONE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

WITHOUT HIM WE ARE NOTHING.

YOU KNOW THEY SAY-- "AND GOD'S

ON HIS WAY BACK RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, THEY WATERING THE HORSES

RIGHT NOW."

I MEAN, YOU AIN'T GOTTA BELIEVE

IN HIM, 'CAUSE IT'S GOING

TO HAPPEN.

AND THEY SAY WHEN HE COMES BACK

HE'S GOING TO COME BACK WITHIN

THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE.

THAT'S MEANS IF YOU GO LIKE

THAT, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

GOD CAME WHEN?

ALL I DID WAS THIS.

COULD'VE BEEN HIM.

YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR HEAVEN PASS?

OOH!

BUT NO MATTER WHAT, I GOT

TO GO TO HEAVEN, I'M SORRY,

BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

THIS NEGRO GOT TO GO IN.

ST. PETE COULD BE A FRONT GATE

RIGHT NOW TRYING TO STOP HE'D

BE LIKE, "OH, HOLD UP, DON'T PUT

YOUR HANDS ON ME.

JUST TALK TO ME.

W-- W-- W-- JUST TALK TO ME,

PETE.

JUST-- T-- TALK TO ME."

I CAN DO THAT TO ST. PETE.

HE AIN'T GOD.

"WHATCHA MEAN YOU NEED TO CHECK

THE LIST?

WELL, CHECK IT THEN.

WHATCHA MEAN YOU DON'T SEE

MY NAME?

WELL, GO GET GOD."

YOU GOING TO HELL YOU MIGHT

AS WELL SAY WHAT YOU GOTTA SAY

ANYWAY.

"GOD, WHAT'S UP, PIMPIN'?"

[LAUGHTER]

"MAN, TELL HIM THAT I BELONG

IN THE VIP SECTION.

WHATCHA MEAN GO DOWN THERE?

I CAN'T MY SKIN'S SENSITIVE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GO DOWN

THERE."

BUT I-- SPEAKING OF SENSITIVE

THOUGH-- OKAY--

NO, I'M GOING TO STOP.

I'M GOING TO STOP.

SPEAKING OF SENSITIVE--

I JUST PRAY--

YOU KNOW I HAVE A LOT OF

GAY FRIENDS.

MY BROTHER'S GAY.

I JUST CAN'T CATCH 'EM.

I KNOW HE IS!

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULDA KNOWN WHEN HE THREW--

WE WERE PLAYING BASEBALL ONE

DAY.

YOU KNOW HOW HE THROW THE BALL.

HE TAKE THE BALL AND HE JUST

KINDA--

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE

A GAY ANGEL WHEN I GET UP THERE.

I'M TIRED.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE

SOMEBODY FLAPPING 'EM, "OOH,

WAIT A MINUTE."

"OOH, WHO DUN TOOK MY WING

SPRAY?

WHO DUN TOOK IT?"

I KNOW I'M EVIL.

BUT THAT'S JUST--

JUST GO ON AND TALK ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT

THE 9/11 SITUATION.

YOU KNOW I'M FROM ATLANTA.

WE KNOW IT WAS A TRAGIC THING,

OKAY.

BUT THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

I LOVE EVERYBODY--

AS AMERICANS WE GOTTA KEEP ON

LIVING IN THIS WORLD.

WE GOTTA KEEP ON PUSHIN'

THE TRAIN.

YOU KNOW AND THAT'S WHY I THINK

AMERICA'S THE BEST COUNTRY

IN THE WORLD.

BUT DARN IT, WHITE PEOPLE,

SOME TIME YOU ALL CAN'T BE

WHITE, OKAY?

SOME TIME YOU GOTTA STEP TO

THE PLATE AND BE A REAL (BLEEP).

THEM TERRORISTS KNEW WHAT PLANE

TO TAKE.

THEY DIDN'T TAKE NO PLANE OUT OF

ATLANTA OR NOWHERE NEAR HARLEM.

'CAUSE ALL IT WOULDA TOOK

WOULD'VE BEEN FOUR BROTHERS

ON THAT PLANE.

LET SOMEBODY GET ON A PLANE

LIKE, [MOCKING ARABIC]

TELL ME HE'S GOT A BOX CUTTER.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?"

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU CAN BET THE OTHER

BROTHERS WOULD'VE BEEN

"WHAT'S WRONG, DOG?

HOO-DE-HOO!"

THAT PLANE WOULD'VE BEEN

ROCKING LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY GOD, AND LET A BLACK GIRL

BE ON THE PLANE.

OH, MY GOD, ALL HELL WOULDA

BROKE LOOSE.

"KILL HIM!

KILL HIM!

GET HIM YOU MOTHER--

YOU--

GET HIM!"

CAN'T NOBODY THROW A SHOE

LIKE A SISTER.

LATINOS--

YOU ALL AIN'T NO DIFFERENT.

PUERTO RICAN WOMEN--

OH, MY GOD.

THEY'D BE LIKE,

[MOCKING LANGUAGE].

"OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW

I SPOKE THAT?"

[MOCKING LANGUAGE CONTINUES]

"I GOT THE BOX CUTTER.

I WILL CUT YOU DOWN.

I GOT ONE, TOO!"

"DON'T YOU PULL YOUR KNIFE

ON ME.

LET GO ME, MARIA.

LET GO!

SAY MY NAME.

SAY MY NAME.

YOU DON'T KNOW IT, MARIA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Arnez J: MEN, WE REALLY DON'T

LIKE TO FIGHT.

MOST MEN CAN TALK THEMSELVES

OUT OF A SITUATION.

BUT BLACK WOMEN--

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH

Y'ALL.

BLACK WOMEN--

YOU ALL GOT SOME ATT--

BLACK WOMEN WILL FIGHT AT THE

DROP OF A HAT.

AND IF YOU CALL 'EM THAT ONE

WORD-- SAY IT--

Audience: BITCH.

Arnez J: THEY SWINGIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE

WHO SAID IT.

ALL THEY GOTTA DO IS WALK BY

AND HERE'S WHAT--

"LOOK AT THIS BI--"

[LAUGHTER]

"LET GO MY HAIR."

"YOU LET GO MY HAIR."

"YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE."

"NEITHER AM I."

"WHATEVER-- WHATEVER THEN."

"YEAH, I COULD BE HERE ALL DAY."

"I DON'T CARE."

"YEAH, YEAH WHATEVER."

"DON'T PULL ON ME."

"DON'T PULL ON ME."

"YEAH, YEAH, SECTION 8,

SECTION 9--

"HERE COME YOUR BUS."

"HERE COME YOUR BUS."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WAIT A MINUTE,

ALL MY CAUCASIAN SISTERS--

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH, I DO.

BUT WHITE WOMEN, I NEED TO TALK

TO YOU FOR A MINUTE.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE Y'ALL ARE UNDER A

MISCONCEPTION.

A LOT OF WHITE GIRLS THINK

THEY CAN GO TOE TO TOE WITH

A BLACK GIRL.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

NO, YOU CAN NOT.

STATISTICS AND OUR GENERAL

RECORDS SHOW THAT A WHITE GIRL

CAN NEITHER WHUP A LATINO

NOR A BLACK GIRL.

NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE TOUGHER THAN

YOU BUT BECAUSE A BLACK GIRL

DOES NOT TRAVEL ALONE.

AND ALL HER FRIENDS WILL

JUMP YOU BECAUSE THEY DON'T

WANT TO BE LEFT OUT WHEN

THE STORY'S BEING TOLD.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE, YOU MAY HAD A

ONE BLACK GIRL--

BE LIKE--

"GIRL, WHEN I STUCK HER--

PUNCHED HER ALL IN THE HEAD."

THEN THE OTHER GIRL, "YEAH,

YEAH.

TELL 'EM WHAT I DID, THOUGH.

TELL 'EM WHAT I DID."

ONLY WHITE GIRLS THAT YOU WILL

SEE HELPING ONE ANOTHER IF THEY

BOTH LIVE OUT OF A TRAILER HOME.

THEM IS WHITE NEGROES.

THEY DO NOT CARE.

YOU EVER SEE TWO WHITE GIRLS OUT

OF A TRAILER HOME GETTING READY

TO FIGHT ON A JERRY SPRINGER

SHOW?

OH, MY GOD.

"WHAT-- WHAT--

WHAT, HONEY--

WHAT-- WHAT?"

DON'T ASK ME WHY THEY DO THIS.

I DON'T KNOW.

"WHAT-- WHAT--

WELL, WHAT YOU--

WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT WHATEVER--

WHAT-- WHAT-- WHATEVER."

[LAUGHTER]

DARN-IT, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

LET ME DO THIS.

"WHAT-- WHAT-- WHATEVER--

WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT?

SO WHAT I'M TRAILER TRASH,

YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR."

"WELL, HE DON'T WANT YOU!

HE DON'T-- WHAT--

WELL, LOOK AT MAN--

LOOK AT YOURS."

"WHATEVER, HONEY, LOOK AT YOUR

NIPPLES.

THEY'RE ABOUT THIS BIG.

LOOK HOW BIG MINE ARE."

"YOU'RE NUTTIN'."

THAT'S TRUTH COMEDY.

TRUE COMEDY.

HAPPENED TO ME THIS SUMMER.

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF Y'ALL

HAVE EVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST

TO HAVE MAJOR SURGERY ON YOUR

TOOTH-- ORAL SURGERY.

OH, MY GOD, IT IS THE--

I HAD TO GO AND HAVE SURGERY

DONE ON MY TOOTH.

I HAD AN INFECTION IN THE ROOT

AND IT SPLIT AND HIT MY NERVE.

AND IT'S THE WORST THING AS A

MAN YOU EVER WANT TO GO THROUGH.

I MEAN, I'D RATHER HAVE A BABY

OUT OF MY BOOTIE HOLE--

FULLY AWAKENED WITH

NO EPIDERAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I COULD HAVE A BABY OUT OF

MY BUTT AND THEN SAY, "PULL IT!

PULL IT!

I'VE BEEN TO THE DENTIST."

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT

HAPPENED.

THEY GAVE ME 12 SHOTS OF

NOVOCAIN.

AND I STILL DIDN'T GO NUMB,

BECAUSE THE INFECTION KEPT

PUSHING THE NOVOCAIN BACK OUT.

IT WAS LIKE HANDLING THE

NOVOCAIN LIKE IT WAS A GANGSTER.

WELL, LIKE, "WHATCU WANT

IN HERE, NOVA?"

"BETTA GET ON OUTTA HERE,

GET ON OUTTA HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT ANYWAY, WHEN THEY FINALLY

FIXED IT YOU KNOW THEY DID THE

SURGERY ON THE TOOTH, AND THEN

ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU KNOW--

NOW REMEMBER I JUST HAD

A SHOT OF 12 NOVOCAIN NEEDLES.

FINALLY IT WANTED TO WORK.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT.

SO I GET UP OUTTA THE CHAIR.

THEY SAY, "ARE YOU OKAY MR. J?"

I'M LIKE, [GARBLED LANGUAGE].

"[GARBLED] SAID TO ME.

I [GARBLED] ON MY LEG."

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG."

SHE SENT ME HOME LIKE THAT.

AND THEN I GET A TICKET

BECAUSE I CAN'T--

I'M DRIVING RECKLESSLY.

I CAN'T FEEL THE STEERING WHEEL.

AND THEN YOU KNOW AFTER AN

EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT,

YOU JUST WANT A HUG FROM

SOMEBODY.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF MOST OF YOU

KNOW ME-- SO I CALLED MY MOMMA

TO GET A HUG ON THE PHONE.

I DON'T KNOW IF MOST OF YOU ALL

KNOW IT, BUT I HAVE A BROTHER

THAT'S MENTALLY HANDICAPPED--

OR HE'S SLOW.

AND DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM,

'CAUSE HE'S MEAN.

HE'S A MEAN HANDICAPPED PERSON.

HOW YOU GONNA BE HANDICAPPED

AND MEAN AT THE SAME TIME?

SO-- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE,

SO I CALLED MY MOM AND HE

ANSWERED THE PHONE.

NOW REMEMBER, I JUST HAD

12 SHOTS OF NOVOCAIN.

SO I'M NOT SPEAKING TOO CLEARLY.

SO THE PHONE, "[GARBLED]

MOM AT?"

"WHO ARE YOU SAYING?

WHY ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?"

"[GARBLED] I HAD NOVOCAIN."

HE SAID, "OH, YOU SON OF

A BITCH!

OOH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU WHEN

I SEE YOU."

AND HE THOUGHT I WAS TRYING

TO TALK ABOUT HIM, BUT I WASN'T.

I JUST COULDN'T SPEAK RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG

WITH--

AND THEN MY MOM--

BLESS HER SOUL--

MY MOM-- SHE'S A SMART WOMAN,

BUT SHE HAS A SPEECH PROBLEM.

AND MY MOMMA CAN'T TALK

TOO GOOD.

AND RODNEY'S THE ONLY ONE

THAT CAN UNDERSTAND HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

SO ONE DAY, SHE CURSED US OUT

BECAUSE ALL THE COOKIES WERE

GONE.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GOT SIX

BROTHERS COOKIES ARE NOT GOING

TO LAST TWO WEEKS.

THEM COOKIES WERE GONE WITHIN

45 MINUTES.

SO SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

SHE'S LIKE, "[INAUDIBLE]?"

I SAID, "WHAT DID SHE SAY!"

I SAY, "WHAT RODNEY?"

"[INAUDIBLE]."

SO RODNEY, "SHE SAY--

OOH, SHE SAY 'SOMEBODY ATE ALL

THE COOKIES.

THEY IN TROUBLE, DOG'."

"AND-- SHE SAID ALL THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

IN SCHOOL THAT GOT IN TROUBLE.

YOU KNOW I WASN'T DISRESPECTFUL.

I WAS ONE OF THOSE KIDS THAT

JUST MOCKED EVERYBODY.

I NEVER KNEW HOW TO SIT STILL

IN MY SEAT.

YOU KNOW, AND I WAS ALWAYS JUST

A CLASS CLOWN.

TEACHER WOULD BE IN THE

CLASSROOM, "OKAY, CLASS, I WANT

EVERYBODY TO TURN TO PAGE 55."

"YEAH, OKAY, [MOCKING TEACHER]."

"WHO SAID THAT?"

"[MOCKING CONTINUES]."

"MR. J, I KNOW IT WAS YOU."

[MOCKING PHRASE]

AND BACK WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL,

THEY WERE ALLOWED TO PADDLE YOU.

WELL, SHE SAID, "WE'RE GOING TO

GO INTO THE OFFICE RIGHT NOW."

I SAID, "[MOCKING PHRASE]."

HE SAYS, "MR. J, WHAT HAVE YOU

DONE THIS TIME?"

[MOCKING PHRASE]

I WAS STILL BEING A LITTLE

SMART MOUTH.

HE SAY "OH, OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE

FUNNY?"

(MOCKING PHRASE]

SO HE PULLS OUT THIS CUTTIN'

BOARD, ABOUT THIS LONG.

HE SAYS, "MR. J, BEND OVER."

I SAID, "SURE, WHATCHA GOING

TO DO WITH THAT?"

NOW HE HIT ME WITH THAT FIRST

LICK, "POW!"

OKAY, THAT'S COOL.

I'M LIKE, "IT DON'T HURT."

NOW, IT'S OKAY ON THE FIRST

LICK.

BUT THEN YOUR MEAT FAT STARTS

TO LOOSEN UP.

AND HE GAVE WITH NUMBER TWO--

"POW!"

[LAUGHTER]

"IT DON'T HURT."

AND YOU KNOW WHEN IT REALLY

HURTS IS WHEN YOU TRY TO MOVE

YOUR--

"LIKE BEND IT--"

"ON WHAT?"

"BEND OVER."

AND HE CAUGHT ME WHEN I CAME

BACK.

HE CAUGHT ME RIGHT THEN.

"POW!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE LOOKED AT ME.

"WHAT'S WRONG, CAN'T SAY

NUTTIN'?"

"YOU'RE A MONSTER."

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET HOME--

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU ALL

WENT TO SCHOOL WHERE THEY WERE

ALLOWED TO LICK YOU--

THEN WHEN I GOT HOME,

OH, MY GOD.

THEN I GOT IT FROM MY DADDY.

OH, MY GOD.

HE BEAT ME SO BAD UNTIL

I BOO-BOOED ON MYSELF.

I'M JUST--

HEY, THIS IS REAL LIFE.

PLEASE DON'T--

I MEAN I BOO-BOOED ON MYSELF.

I REALLY DID.

IT WASN'T FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH

EVERYBODY?

AND THIS IS WHY I'M SAYING--

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Y'ALL ARE A GOOD AUDIENCE.

YOU ALL REALLY ARE.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING, MEN,

START LOVING YOUR WOMEN MORE,

THOUGH.

REALLY.

START ROLE-PLAYING.

SEE, THAT'S OUR PROBLEM.

MEN, WE DON'T ROLE-PLAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, WE DON'T

ROLE-PLAY.

I'M NOT A PLAYER HATER.

I'M A LOVE MOTIVATOR.

MEN, YOU NEED TO START

ROLE-PLAYING.

WOMEN LIKE TO PLAY GAMES

IN THE BED.

WHAT YOU SMILING FOR?

THEY DO!

BUT SEE YOU MEN JUST WANT

TO HIT IT AND QUIT IT.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

GET INSIDE HER HEAD, THE MENTAL

OF IT.

THAT'S YOUR WOMAN, RIGHT, MAN?

YEAH, YEAH, BE A SLAVE ONE DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST WALK IN THE ROOM WITH YOUR

DRAWERS JUST TORE UP.

AND SHE BE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

"SHUT UP!

YOU WON'T GIVE ME SOME OF THAT

COOTCHI.

AND YOU AIN'T GOING TO TELL

NOBODDA!"

GET INTO THE ACT.

BE A BURGLAR.

BREAK INTO YOUR OWN HOUSE.

KNOCK HER OUT.

WHEN SHE WAKE UP, SHE'LL PLAY

ALONG.

IT'S JUST TRUTH COMEDY.

IT'S JUST CARTOONISH.

AND IT AIN'T ALWAYS THAT YOU

REALLY HITTIN' REALLY HARD--

THAT DOESN'T--

MEN, IT AIN'T ALWAYS ABOUT THAT.

OKAY, MOST MEN THINK IT, "OH,

MAN, I RIPPED THE LINING OUT.

MY GOD, I DESTROYED THE WALLS

OF JERICHO."

THAT DON'T MEAN THAT YOU

TORE IT UP 'CAUSE YOU HIT

THE WALLS OF JERICHO.

SOME OF THE BEST TIME THAT

A WOMAN IS REALLY ENJOYING IT IS

WHEN SHE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING.

AND SHE JUST LOOKS AT YOU LIKE

SHE'S WORRIED.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE BEST TIME...

I TELL YOU, I TELL TRUTH COMEDY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WANT TO SAY THIS

REAL QUICK.

MY SON-- AND THANK THE PERSON

THAT ASKED ABOUT MY SON--

MY SON IS A BASEBALL PHENOM.

HE'S 11-YEARS-OLD.

HE'S STEPPING UP TO THE

13 AND 14 YEAR-OLDS.

OKAY, HE'S STEPPIN' UP.

OKAY, NEW YORK, HE'S STEPPIN'

UP.

HE'S NOT 17 PLAYING WITH NINE.

OKAY, HE'S STEPPING UP.

HIS NAME IS NOT DIOMOSQUE.

BUT IT'S LIKE THIS.

BASEBALL IS HIS GAME.

HE PLAYS EVERY POSITION AND HITS

FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE PLATE.

WE JUST FINISHED PLAYING--

I THOUGHT WHERE I LIVE IN

ATLANTA, GEORGIA WAS COUNTRY--

WE JUST PLAYED THE LITTLE LEAGUE

WORLD SERIES IN KNOXVILLE,

TENNESSEE.

OH, IT SOMETHING TO SEE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS EVENT

THAT HAPPENED FROM FRONT TO

BACK.

THEN I'M GOING TO SPEED IT UP

FOR YOU HOW IT LOOKED IN MY

EYES.

WE WERE AT THE GAME.

THE BLEACHERS ARE FILLED.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THIS LITTLE

TEAM CALLED KNOXVILLE STARS

IS ABOUT--

ALL OF 'EM ABOUT 10-YEARS-OLD

AND ABOUT THIS TALL--

ABOUT RIGHT HERE.

I MEAN THEY ARE TRACTOR FED--

I MEAN NOT CORN FED,

TRACTOR FED.

AND ONE OF THE LITTLE GUYS

COMES IN THE DUGOUT.

HE GOES, "ALRIGHT, WHO DUN IT?

WHO DUN IT?"

AND THEN YOU HEAR SOMEBODY GO,

"WHAT?

WHATCHA TALKIN' ABOUT?

WHATCHA TALKING ABOUT?"

"WELL, WHO DUN IT?

WHO DRANK MY GATORADE?

Y'ALL KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE

'IRSTY!"

AND I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "DID I

JUST HEAR SOMEBODY SAY 'IRSTY'?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN--

I GUESS THE OTHER KIDS ARE LIKE,

"WADN'T ME."

"WADN'T ME."

"WADN'T ME."

AND I GUESS HE FOUND OUT

WHO DID IT, 'CAUSE HE SAID,

"BUB, BUB, IT WAS YOU, BOBBY."

BOBBY SAY "NA-UH. NA-UH."

HE SAID, "YEAH, YOU DID,

'CAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS GOING

TO BE 'IRSTY."

SO BY THIS TIME, WE'RE IN

THE BLEACHERS CRACKING UP,

AND OUR MOUTHS IS LIKE THIS,

'CAUSE WE CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT

WE'RE HEARING.

HE RUNS OUT OF THE DUGOUT.

AND HIS MOM--

AND THIS IS WHEN I THOUGHT OF

FORREST GUMP--

HIS MOM IS IN A BIG--

HE GOES, "MOMMA, MOMMA!"

SHE GOES, "WAAT IS IT?!"

SOON AS SHE SAID THAT,

"WAAT IS IT?!"

HE SAID, "MOMMA, CAN YOU BUY ME

ANOTHER GATORADE?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHAT HAPPENED

TO THE GATORADE I BOUGHT YOU?!"

HE SAID, "MOM, BOBBY DRUNK IT."

AND BOBBY CAME OUT OF THE

DUGOUT, "NA-UH, NA-UH."

HE SAID, "YEAH, YOU DID BOBBY,

'CAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS GOING

TO BE 'IRSTY."

[LAUGHTER]

SO AT THIS TIME, THE DAD--

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WAS--

HE JUST JUMPED OUT, "WELL, HEY,

I BOUGHT ALL Y'ALL SOME GATORADE

IF YOU GIST GIT ON BACK IN THAR

AND PLAY SOME BAWL!"

AND THE LITTLE DUDE SAY,

"WELL, I DON'T WANT NO GATORADE

FROM YOU, 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T

MY DADDY NO MORE."

NOW THIS IS THE WHOLE THING

THAT I HEARD.

NOW I'M GOING TO SPEED IT UP

FOR YOU, LET YOU HEAR HOW I SAW

IT IN MY MIND FROM FRONT TO

BACK.

"ALRIGHT, WHO DUN IT?

WHO DUN IT?"

"WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?"

"IT WASN'T ME."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?"

"WHO DUN IT?

WHO DRANK MY GATORADE?

YOU ALL KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE

'IRSTY."

"WADN'T ME."

"WADN'T ME."

"WADN'T ME."

"YO, BUB, IT WAS YOU."

"NA-UH.

NA-UH."

"YES, YOU DID, BOBBY, 'CAUSE

YOUR LIPS ARE PURPLE AND YOU

KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE 'IRSTY!"

"MOMMA, MOMMA!"

"WAAT IS IT?"

"MOMMA, CAN YOU BUY ME

A NEW GATORADE?"

"WAAT HAPPENED TO THE GATORADE

I BOUGHT YOU?!"

"BOBBY DRUNK IT."

"NA-UH.

NA-UH."

"YEAH, YOU DID, BOBBY,

'CAUSE YOUR LIPS ARE 'IRTY.

YOU ARE DIRTY AND YOU KNEW I WAS

GOING TO BE 'IRSTY!"

"WELL, HELL, I BOUGHT ALL Y'ALL

SOME GATORADE.

JUST GIT ON BACK IN THAR

AND PLAY SOME BALL."

"I DON'T WANT NO GATORADE

FROM YOU, 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T

MY DADDY NO MORE."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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