Sex Tape, Racist, Hunting

  • 03/13/2014

Forrest makes a sex tape, tries his hand at being a racist and goes hunting with his father-in-law.

AND WHYS OF THE SEX TAPE,

I ASKED MY INTERN TO COMPILETHE ESSENTIALS OF THE GENRE.

- SO, UH, 1 NIGHT IN PARIS.

THIS IS KIND OF LIKETHE APOCALYPSE NOW

OF CELEBRITY SEX TAPES.

THEN YOU'VE GOT PAMELA ANDERSONAND TOMMY LEE,

WHICH IS KIND OF LIKETHE CITIZEN KANE, I GUESS?

- WAIT, WAIT.TURN ON YOUR FILTER LIGHT.

- IN SHORT ORDER,THE HOW WAS CLEAR ENOUGH--

DIRTY TALKAND CONFUSING SEXUAL POSITIONS--

BUT THE WHY REMAINED ELUSIVE.

THAT IS DISGUSTING.

THERE'S A VERY GOOD REASON

THAT MOST PEOPLE HAVE SEXIN THE DARK.

IT FEELS BETTER THAN IT LOOKS.

THANK YOU, LUCILLE.- OH.

TAKE IT!- ROB LOWE, HUH?

[indistinct chatteron computer]

- IT SIMPLY DIDN'T MAKE SENSETO ME.

JUST BREAKS MY HEART HOW--- CAN WE NOT TALK?

I REALLY JUST WANT TO FOCUSON THIS.

- OH, YEAH

- OKAY.

IN ORDER TO UNDERSTANDTHE APPEAL OF MAKING A SEX TAPE,

I WAS GOING TO NEED THEASSISTANCE OF A WILLING PARTNER.

- HAVE YOU OUTDONE YOURSELF?- I THINK I HAVE OUTDONE MYSELF.

ASK ME WHY I MADEMY SPECIALTY TONIGHT.

- WHY DID YOU MAKEYOUR SPECIALTY TONIGHT, HONEY?

- WELL, JUST FOR THE HALIBUT.[both laughing]

THAT'S A LOT OF FUN.- THAT IS A LOT OF FUN.

- TO US.- TO US. MM.

both: MMM.

- HEY, LISTEN, I TOLD ERICTHAT HE SHOULD STAY OVER

AT CLAYTON'S HOUSE TONIGHT.- OH, OKAY.

I HAVE A SHOPPING LIST FOR YOU,IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- SHOPPING LIST?NO, NO, NO.

NO, I THOUGHTWE MIGHT DO SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE INTERESTINGWITH OUR ALONE TIME.

- OH, OKAY, I GET IT, YEAH.- UH-HUH, YEAH.

IN FACT, I THOUGHT WE MIGHT...- OH, ALL RIGHT.

- MIX IT UPA LITTLE BIT TONIGHT.

- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?- I WAS THINKING WE MIGHT

DOCUMENT THE PROCEEDINGS CE SOIR--

TONIGHT.- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- HMM?- HOW--HOW WOULD WE--

- I BOUGHT A VIDEO CAMERA,AND I THOUGHT WE COULD--

- UGH!YOU WANT TO MAKE A SEX TAPE?

- YEAH!- NO, GROSS!

- WHY?

- WHAT ARE YOU,A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE?

NO, NO, NO.WHAT IF PEOPLE SAW IT?

WHAT IF ERIC FOUND IT?- NO, DON'T--

SWEETHEART, WE'LL MAKE SURE ERICDOESN'T SEE IT

UNTIL LONG AFTER WE'RE DEAD.- NO, THAT IS NOT--

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVEYOU WOULD WANT TO DO--

THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU.

IT'S CREEPY.- I'M VERY SURPRISED

BY THIS REACTION OF YOURS.- [sighs]

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT THINKIT WOULD BE KIND OF FUN.

- MAN, FORREST.- I THINK IT WOULD BE FUN.

- YOU WERE SO CLOSE, YOU KNOW?YOU WERE ON THE GREEN!

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WASJUST PUTT IT.

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHATI WAS DOING.

- NO, YOU SHANKED IT RIGHTINTO THE WOODS!

THANKS FOR NOTHING, ALL RIGHT?

- WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

- I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.NO.

[light switch clicks]

FOR YOU, MY BLACK FRIEND.

BEFORE I EMBARKED ON MY JOURNEYOF RACE-BASED HATRED,

I PAID A VISITTO MY BLACK NEIGHBOR, GENE,

TO BANK SOME GOODWILLFOR THE DIFFICULT TIMES AHEAD.

I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT OFBLACK PEOPLE SIMPLY AS PEOPLE

AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE,

DIDN'T THINK MUCH WAS SPECIALABOUT THEM.

BUT NOW I WOULD NEEDTO DISCOVER WHAT IT WAS

THAT MADE THEM DIFFERENT

AND HOW I COULD TURN THATINTO FEELINGS OF RED-HOT RACISM.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,I STUMBLED UPON A FAMILY REUNION

OF BLACK PEOPLE, WHICH WAS BEINGHELD IN A PUBLIC PARK

WHERE ANYONE COULD JOIN THEM.

HI, THERE.[chuckles]

- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO'S RUDE?CAMERON.

SHE SAYS TO ME, "OH, YOU NEEDTO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR."

- [scoffs]UNBELIEVABLE.

OVER THE COURSE OF A PRODUCTIVEAND ENJOYABLE AFTERNOON

OF INTERRACIAL EAVESDROPPING,

I LEARNED AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT

OF UNFLATTERING THINGSABOUT BLACK PEOPLE.

- WHO INVITED YOU, AGAIN?

- THEY INSULT YOUR HAIRWHEN THEIR WEAVE LOOKS TERRIBLE,

THEY SHOOT OFF THEIR MOUTHSTO DERRICK

ABOUT THINGSTHAT DON'T CONCERN THEM,

AND, MOST INFURIATINGLY,

THEY WON'T STOP TALKINGABOUT THEIR CATERING BUSINESS.

WAS IT DIFFICULTTO EARN THEIR TRUST?

SO LONG, EVERYBODY!

I NOW HAD THE AMMUNITIONTO GET SERIOUSLY RACIST.

HEY, SHUT UP ABOUTYOUR CATERING BUSINESS!

LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

ACTUALLY, CAN YOU MAKE THATA DIET COKE, PLEASE?

I AM WATCHING MY CALORIES,

AND I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA RUNALONG AND TELL THAT TO DERRICK.

- DERRICK?

- I KNOW A FEW THINGS.

OH, GOOD.YES, THANK YOU.

RIGHT NEXTTO THE OTHER ONE, PLEASE.

IT WAS NECESSARYFOR MY NEW RACIST ATTITUDE

TO PERVADE MY ENTIRE LIFE,

INCLUDING AT THE WORKPLACE.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE!NEW POLICY.

THIS WILL BE STRICTLY,HARSHLY, ENFORCED.

[toilet flushes]BUT THESE NEW SYSTEMS

WERE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAININ THE MODERN WORLD.

I WAS, FOR INSTANCE, NOT ABLETO EXPLAIN WHERE WHITE WOMEN

WERE SUPPOSED TO GOTO THE BATHROOM.

- [sighs]

- MY EFFORTS WERE CAUSINGMORE CONFUSION THAN OPPRESSION.

- WAIT. THIS ONE ISTHE COLOR COPIER?

ISN'T IT THAT ONE?

- THIS IS THE COLORED COPIER.

THAT ONE IS THE COLOR COPIER.

- SO THIS ISTHE BLACK-AND-WHITE COPIER?

- THAT'S THE WHITE COPIER.

- LOOK, I JUST NEED TO MAKEA COLOR COPY.

- WELL, GO AHEAD AND DO IT.

JUST DON'T USETHE COLORED COPIER.

THE WHITE COPIERIS BETTER ANYWAY.

IT MAKES COLORED COPIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN POSSIBLYDO TO MAKE THIS MORE CLEAR.

- YOU COULD WRITE "PEOPLE"UNDER THEM.

IN THE ANGELES CRESTNATIONAL FOREST,

A PLACE WHERE I CAN FINDAN ANIMAL AND SLAY IT

AND SKIN ITAND THEN DEVOUR IT.

AND I'M HERE UNDER COVEROF DARKNESS

BECAUSE THERE SIMPLYWASN'T TIME

TO ARRANGEFOR THE NECESSARY PERMITS,

AND SO WE'RE--WE'RE JUST DOING IT THIS WAY.

I'M ACCOMPANIEDBY MY FATHER-IN-LAW,

JACK WALTHALL,WHO BROUGHT ALONG THE RIFLE

AND THE HUNTING SMARTS AND ALSOTHE RUGGED INDIVIDUALISM

OF A BYGONE ERA, RIGHT?

- HELLO.- VERY GOOD.

NOW, JACK, YOU HAD A VERY

INTERESTING AND SORT OFCLEVER-SOUNDING HUNTING PLOY.

YOU CARE TO SHARE THAT WITH US?- OH.

WELL, IT'S NOT REALLYMY IDEA, FORREST.

IT'S S.O.P.--IT'S STANDARDOPERATING...SOMETHING ELSE.

- UH, RIGHT.

- IT'S DOE'S SCENT.

IT'S ESTRUS URINE OF A DOE.

NOW, THIS WILL ATTRACT A BUCK,AND THEN ALL YOU NEED TO DO

IS FIRE A BULLET OFFAT HIS VITAL ORGANS,

AND YOU'RE IN BUSINESS.- YES, GOOD. OKAY.

VERY GOOD.THAT'S PRETTY INGENIOUS.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE,BUT I'M ABOUT TO TAKE IT

A BIG STEP FORWARD.

JOSH, WILL YOU PLEASE BRINGTHE DOE-COY OUT HERE, WON'T YOU?

- OKAY.- I HAPPENED TO BE IN POSSESSION

OF A NONRETURNABLE$4,000 SEX DOLL,

AND I WAS EAGER TO FINDALTERNATE USES FOR HER.

HER SPECIFIC TALENT SEEMEDPERFECT FOR TONIGHT'S MISSION.

- WHAT IS THAT?

IT LOOKS LIKEA BEAUTIFUL DEAD LADY.

- YES, WELL, ON ANY OTHER NIGHT,PERHAPS, BUT TONIGHT SHE IS

THE SEXIEST DOE IN ALLOF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT!

THAT'S EVEN BETTER THANI THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOK.

- I'VE SEEN WORSE IN BARS,I'LL TELL YOU.

- [laughs]- YOU HAVE?

- THAT'S FANTASTIC.

HEY, COME AND GET HER,ALL YOU BUCKS!

TRUST ME, SHE'S NO PRUDE![laughter]

- SHE'S INTO WHATEVERYOU'RE INTO!

[laughter]- THAT'S GREAT.

HEY, JOSH, YOU BROUGHTTHE BOLT CUTTERS, RIGHT?

- YEAH, YEAH.- OKAY, GOOD.

IN TRUTH, THE IDEA OF A FIREARM

IN THE HANDSOF A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN

IN LOW-VISIBILITY CONDITIONS

MADE ME TERRIBLY NERVOUS,BUT I WAS DETERMINED

TO CARRY ON FOR THE SAKEOF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING.

WELL, IT DOES SEEMA LITTLE BIT CRUEL

TO GET THE BUCKS' HOPES UPLIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

THEY THINK THEY'RE GONNA GETSOME ACTION, RIGHT?

[chuckles]BUT WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING,

YOU USE EVERY TOOLAT YOUR DISPOSAL, RIGHT?

WHETHER IT'S A GUNOR A SUPERIOR INTELLECT.

NOW, MY QUESTION IS,WHERE THE BEST PLACE--

[tiger roars]OH!

[all screaming, tiger roaring]

- WHAT THE HECK?- MR. MACNEIL!

[screaming, animals roaring]

- WHAT'S HAPPENED?MR. MACNEIL!

- HE'S EATING ME!

[screams][animals screeching]

- MR. MACNEIL, WHERE ARE YOU?- FORREST, WHERE ARE YOU?

- THE TIGER IS ATTACKING ME!

THIS IS A GOD DAMN TIGER!- I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

- HE'S OVER THERE!- OH, GOD!

- OH, MY [bleep] GOD!

[tiger growls]- THERE'S A [bleep] TIGER!

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?- NO!

- WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?

- SHOOT THE TIGER!- OH.

STAND BACK.- [screams]

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