Treegasm

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 04/14/2010

Mark helps an old tree get its groove back, and Randall loses his favorite non-vital organ.

[camera shutters click]

- HI, THERE.

NEIL, NIKKI,I'M MARK.

I'LL BE YOUR SCREWINGCOORDINATOR THIS WEEKEND.

YOU EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY?

- I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF THISEVER SINCE I WAS A SHRUB.

I STILL REMEMBER THE DAYMY PARENTS TOLD ME

ABOUT THE ARRANGEMENT.

- WE CHOSE NEIL BECAUSEHE'S THE ONLY TREE AROUND.

- YOU KNOW,IT IS REFRESHING

TO SEE TWO YOUNGSTERSSO COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER,

ESPECIALLY IN THIS CITY.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, LOTS OF PEOPLE COME HERETO SOW THEIR WILD OATS,

HAVE FREAKY SEX WITH STRANGERSTHEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

- YOU CAN DO THAT?

- [chuckles]

MARK, I'M SURE YOU HAVEOTHER WORK TO DO.

- NO, WHAT I MEAN IS,

YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE YOURSOUL MATE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

A LOT OF PEOPLESPEND THEIR YOUTH

JUST HAVING SEXWITH STRANGERS,

DOING RECREATIONAL DRUGS

THAT THEY DON'T REALLYGET ADDICTED TO

BUT STILL HAVE KIND OFA LOT OF FUN DOING

AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH THEPEOPLE THEY DO THOSE DRUGS WITH

AND THEN GO OUT TO CLUBSAND MEET THEIR FRIENDS

AND, YOU KNOW,HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

AND AT A CERTAIN POINTYOU'RE LIKE, "WHY?"

- THOSE ARE THINGS?

- HEY, ENOUGH TALK, LILLY.

I HAVE AT LEAST FIVE HOLESTHAT NEED TO BE FILLED PRONTO,

OR ELSE.

- YOU SEEWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE TO GO HAVE SEXWITH HER,

RIGHT NOW.

BE GRATEFUL YOU DON'T HAVETO DEAL WITH THAT.

- [whimpers]

DID I HAPPEN TO LEAVE ANYTHINGOVER THERE LAST NIGHT?

- NOPE, JUST A BIGSWEATY PILE OF ME.

- CRAP.

- NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD?

- NO, IT'S MY BUDDY RAY'SWEDDING VIDEO.

ANYTHING TO TAKE MY MINDOFF MY JUNK.

- I'M SORRY, PAL.

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

CALLIE IS IN A HORMONAL RAGE.

ONE OF THE TREETURESHAS GONE GIRL CRAZY,

AND IF I DON'T FIX IT,

NEW YORK COULD BE DESTROYED.

- UM, YEAH,I HEAR THAT, MAN.

BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS:DID YOUR DICK FALL OFF?

- WHEN DID SEXGET SO LIFE-THREATENING?

IT USED TO BE JUST MEAND A MILDLY DISAPPOINTED WOMAN

IN MY PARENTS' BASEMENT.

- YEAH, NOWADAYS,IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

I MEAN, ONE TIME, I THOUGHTI HOOKED UP WITH A ROBOT.

TURNS OUT I WAS JUST [bleep]THE TOASTER.

I MEAN, I GOT A MILLION STORIESLIKE THAT, DUDE.

- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

WE'RE GOING OUT.

ALSO REMIND METO BUY A NEW TOASTER.

- HEY, MARK.

I JUST READ THE GAME,

AND I'M READYTO GET MY JIGGY ON.

I'M GOING TO BE JUGGLINGSO MUCH TRIM.

- HOW?YOU CAN'T MOVE.

- OH, AND NICE CHAINS,DOUCHE BRANCH.

- I'M PEACOCKING!

- NEIL, I WANT YOU TO MEETMY ROOMMATE, RANDALL.

HE'S A FELLOW PLAYER.

- HEY, BUDDY.

SO I HEAR YOU'RE READYTO PLAY THE FIELD NOW.

- DO YOU PARTY, CHIEF?

WE SHOULD GO WORK A CLUBTOGETHER.

- OH, HELL, YES, DUDE.

WE'RE GONNA ROCK ASS.

BUT IF WE'RE GONNABE PARTNERS,

I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOUA LITTLE BIT

ABOUT MY SEXUAL HISTORY.

YOU SEE, IT ALL STARTEDBACK IN 1993

WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY SLEPTON MY ARM

AND INVENTEDTHE PHANTOM SPANK.

YOU DON'T KNOWIF IT'S A MAN OR A WOMAN,

AND AT SOME POINT,YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

I'M WHAT THEY CALLAN "ASS WHISPERER."

SO IT TURNS OUT, YOU DON'T WANTTO GET DONKEY PUNCHED.

THERE WAS, LIKE, BLOODIN MY STOOL FOR, LIKE, 12 DAYS,

YOU KNOW, AND THEN IT'S NOTSO FUNNY ANYMORE.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T SAYI'M INTO BALL TORTURE, PER SE.

YOU KNOW, I LIKEENHANCED INTERROGATION.

I ALWAYS USEHIS GIANT GYM SOCK.

LIKE, WHY ELSE DO YOU HAVEAMERICAN APPAREL CLOTHES

EXCEPT TO MOP UP?

AND THAT'S HOW MY CRABSGOT CHLAMYDIA.

OH, AND ALSO, MY DICKRECENTLY FELL OFF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FORGOTTHAT LITTLE CHESTNUT.

- UH...

- I HAVE HEARD THINGSI CANNOT UN-HEAR.

- I DIDN'T KNOW SEXCOULD BE SO...

FILLED WITH PUS.

- YEAH, WELL, KEEP IN MIND,PUS IS, LIKE, 80% OF MY BODY,

SO IT WAS NO BIG DEAL TO ME.

- MAYBE I REALLY AMA ONE-WOMAN TREE.

NIKKI, WILL YOU PLEASEFORGIVE ME?

- OH, NEILANDO,HOW COULD I SAY NO TO THAT FACE?

smack!

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