Lampert, Wood Jr., Leggero, Rannazzisi

  • Season 9, Ep 910
  • 11/11/2005

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Johnny Lampert, Roy Wood Jr., Natasha Leggero, & Stephen Rannazzisi.

I'M GLAD TO BE OUTTA HOLLYWOOD

'CAUSE HOLLYWOODWILL AFFECT YOU.

I'M SERIOUS. PEOPLE CHANGE IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU KNOW MY BROTHERS NOW, THEY ALL VEGETARIANS.

- OW!- YEAH.

THEY SAY, HEY MAN, YOU SHOULDN'T EAT HOT SAUCE? IT GOT SODIUM IN IT.

I'M LIKE, WHEN DID YOUSTART READING HOT SAUCE?

[LAUGHTER]

THEY ALL YOU KNOW VEGETARIANS.

AND MY BROTHER'S TRYING TO GET ME TO FAST.

MY BROTHER SAY YOU GOTTA FAST LIKE EVERY,

YOU KNOW, EVERY MONTH SO YOU CAN PURE YOUR SYSTEM.

I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN WE WAS BACK INTHE PROJECTS WE FASTED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BROTHER KEENAN, HE'S A VEGAN. HE DON'T EAT NOTHIN'.

YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE NOTHIN' LOOKS GOOD.

HE SIT THERE, HE BE EATIN' SLOP.

TALK ABOUT, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

I'M LIKE YOU WANT SOME OF THIS,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HE GOT FIVE KIDSAND ALL OF THEM ARE VEGANS, TOO.

THE SKINNIEST LOOKING HEALTHY KIDS YOU EVER WANNA SEE.

THEY ALL TALL AND BIG HEADED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[High-Pitched Voice] "HI UNCLE DAMON."

HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER'S 17 AND NO SIGN OF TITTIES YET.

SHE NEED A BURGER TO FILL OUT HER ASS OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NONE OF THEM EAT SUGAR.NONE OF THE KIDS CAN HAVE SUGAR.

A 'NOW AND LATER'WOULD KILL ONE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

INSTEAD OF EATING SUGAR THEY HAVE THIS STUFF CALLED STAVIA.

IT'S THE SAP FROM THE TREE.

AND THEY ALL GET ONE TO CARRY AROUND IN THEIR POCKET

SO WHEN THEY WANT SOME SWEETENER

THEY PUT TWO DROPS OF THIS ON IT.

I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THESE KIDS?

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD ENOUGHTHE CEREAL THEY EAT, THE-- THE--

THE VEGGIE-O'S DON'T COME WITH A PRIZE IN THE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE KIDS ARE SO BRAINWASHED BY THIS.

THIS IS WHAT MY NIECE TELLS ME.SHE SAYS,

[High-Pitched Voice] UNCLE DAMON...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WILL YOU TAKE US TO THE PARK,

PLEASE, PLEASE, WITH STAVIA ON TOP?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M FROM RIGHT HERE IN NEW JERSEY, THE GARDEN STATE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE GROWIN THIS GARDEN, TUMORS, CYSTS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT ELSE?I'M MARRIED. I LIKE IT.

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTHI'D LIKE IT A LOT BETTER

IF I COULD JUST HAVE MY OWN ROOM.

- [LAUGHTER] - AM I RIGHT?

I JUST WANT MY OWN ROOM MY OWN BATHROOM MY OWN KITCHEN.

I JUST WANT MY OWN PLACE. I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD HAVE MY OWN PLACE ANDA GIRLFRIEND I'D BE SO HAPPY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THESE ITALIAN GUYS, THEY GET TO HAVE A MISTRESS, A GUMATTA.

I'M JEWISH, I WANT A GUMOTZAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT MY WIFE AND I,WE STILL LOOK EACH OTHER

LIKE WE DID THE DAY WE MET. LIKE TWO PERFECT STRANGERS

WHO THINKTHEY CAN DO WAY BETTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT WE HAVE-- WE HAVETWO CHILDREN OF OUR OWN.

SHE'S A WONDERFUL MOTHER. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL KIDS.

ONE'S OURS, ONE WE FOUND AT THE MALL.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE AN EIGHT-MONTH-OLD. PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME,

"WHAT'S THE BABY LIKE?" I GUESS SHE'S A LOT LIKE ME.

ALL SHE DOES IS EAT, SLEEP, CRAP,

AND SUCK MY WIFE'S BREASTS. THAT'S WHAT SHE'S LIKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M HAPPY IN LIFE IN GENERAL, BUT I'M JUST MAD AT THIS WHOLE

WAR ON TERROR. I DON'T THINK BUSH HAS HANDLED IT RIGHT.

- THE WAY I SEE IT...- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE SPENDING BILLIONSOF DOLLARS OVER THERE,

PUTTING OUR SOLDIERS IN HARMS WAY.

LET'S FACE IT,THE WAR ON TERROR SO FARIS ABOUT TWO PEOPLE;

OSAMA BIN LADEN,SADDAM HUSSEIN.

I THINK WE SHOULD'VE TAKEN THEUNABOMBER OUT OF RETIREMENT...

TWO PACKAGES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S WHYI'M AGAINST CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHENYOU'RE GONNA NEED ONE OFTHESE SERIAL KILLERS.

THE DC SNIPER, LET'S FACE IT, THE GUY'S A GOOD SHOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEND HIM TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR,I DON'T THINK SO.

SEND HIM TO IRAQ. HIM AND HIS RETARDED NEPHEW AND THAT BLUE CAR, GO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ONLY WISH JEFFREY DAHMERWAS STILL AROUND.

HE'D HAVE BEEN GREAT IN THE WAR ON TERROR.

IMAGINE HIM AFTER 9-11?WE COULD HAVE USED HIM

IN THE INTERROGATION ROOMS. HE'D HAVE COME IN VERY HANDY.

IT WOULD BE LIKE,SO, YOU WANT TO TELL USWHERE THE OTHER

'SLEEPER CELLS' ARE? NO? OH. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

KNOW THIS GUY OVER THERE, JEFFREY DAHMER. BUT, AH...

HE EATS PEOPLE. YEAH, HE ATE YOUR FRIEND BEFORE

AND WE TOLD HIM IT'S TEN CENT WING NIGHT.

IF YOU DON'T START TALKING SOON WE'RE GONNA SMOKE SOME POT

WITH HIM AND HE'S GONNAGET THE MUNCHIES SO.

YAH. GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL LOOKING COUPLED UP AND STUFF.

GOOD FOR YOU 'CAUSEI SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS.

I SUCK AT LOVE. I'M THROUGH TRYING.

YOU EVER BEEN ON A DATE SO BAD THE GIRL MAKES DROP HER OFF

AT ANOTHER DUDES HOUSE? YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY COME OUTAND GIVE YOU GAS MONEY.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP I WAS INWAS LIKE TWO YEARS AGO.

THIS GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME AND THEN CHANGED HER MIND.

I DIDN'T WANNA TAKE HER BACK AND SHE GOT ALL DEPRESSED.

DECIDED SHE WAS GONNAFAKE HER OWN SUICIDE TOGET ME TO TAKE HER BACK.

I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL ON STAR CONVERSATION.

THIS IS FOR REAL. THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

- [LAUGHTER]- GOOD. YOU CAUGHT THAT.

YOU'RE NOT RETARDED. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

BUT SHE CALLS ME UP AT 2 A.M. SHAKING THESE SLEEPING PILLS

ON THE PHONE. SWEAR TO GOD. [Pills Rattling in Bottle]

YOU HEAR THAT, ROY? I'M FIXING TO GO TO SLEEP

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANNA BE WITH ME, GOOD NIGHT. CLICK.

AND SHE HUNG UP. THEN SHE PROCEEDED TO SEND ME

TEXT MESSAGES EVERY 30 MINUTES TO LET ME KNOW THAT

SHE HAD TAKEN A COUPLE MORE PILLS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS SOME SORT OF SUICIDE, UPDATE SPORTS TICKET

THAT I DONE SIGNED UP FOR. AND YOU DON'T KNOW

IF YOUR CELL PHONE COMPANY IS CHARGING YOU EXTRA.

SO YOU TRY TO BLOCK 'EM.

I'M TRYING TO BLOCK THE TEXT MESSAGES

AND THEY KEEP COMING THROUGH. 14 PILLS, ROY. 28 PILLS, ROY.

34 PILLS, ROY. AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY SOMETHING?

I CALLED HER UP I SAID,IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS.

WHY AREN'T YOU ASLEEP YET? GO TO SLEEP. GO TO SLEEP!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WANT A BIG FAMILY, THOUGH. I WANT LIKE FIVE, SIX KIDS.

BUT MY PLAN ISWHEN I START MY FAMILY,

I'M GONNA MAKE MY WIFE HAVE ALL SIX KIDS AT ONCE.

THAT WAY WE GETFREE STUFF FROM OTHER AMERICANS.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW IT IS IN AMERICA,

YOU HAVE SEXTUPLETS PEOPLE LOSE THEY DAMN MIND. THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, HALLELUJAH. YOU HAD SIX KIDS ALL AT ONCE. THAT'S A BLESSING FROM GOD.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE UP A COLLECTIONTO BE SURE ALL YOUR CHILDREN

GET BLANKETS. THEY NEED BLANKETS AND SNACKS.

AND WHAT Y'ALL FORGET IS THAT MOST WOMEN WHO HAVE SIX KIDS AT ONE TIME

IT'S THE RESULT OF FERTILITY MEDICATION.

AND I'M NOT KNOCKING ANYBODY HERE ON FERTILITY PILLS.

IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDDON'T WANT TO ADOPT,

YOU WANT TO HAVE A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH, GREAT, GOOD FOR YOU.

BUT IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TAKE A PILL AND YOU MESS UP

AND HAVE MORE KIDS THANYOU CAN AFFORD TO KEEP, HA, HA.

GO TO HELL. I DON'T OWE YOU A BLANKET.

THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I'M TRYING TO BE FAIR ABOUT THIS, MAN.

'CAUSE EVERYBODY GIVES MONEY AND BLANKETS AND CANDY

TO SEXTUPLET FAMILIES.YOU GO ON OPRAH WINFREY.

OPRAH PAYS FOR ALL THE KIDS TO GO TO COLLEGE.

OPRAH GIVES YOU A MINIVAN AND THAT'S HYPOCRITICAL,

BECAUSE THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY WITH SIX KIDS.

NOW GRANTED, THEY HAD 'EM BY FIVE DIFFERENT...MEN.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH. BUT THAT'S NOT A BLESSING FROM GOD, IS IT?

NO. THAT'S NOT...YEAH. YEAH. SIX KIDS, FIVE DIFFERENT MEN,

YOU AIN'T ON OPRAH, YOU ON MAURY POVICH FOR A PATERNITY TEST

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHO THE DADDY IS TO HALF OF 'EM.

YEAH.

AND SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THERE'S A DEEPER POINT

TO THIS JOKE. MY POINT IS SIMPLE.

I JUST WANT TO LEAVE YOUWITH THIS TONIGHT;

HO'S NEED BLANKETS, TOO.THAT'S MY POINT.

I DON'T THINKWOMEN ARE FUNNY EITHER.

[LAUGHTER]

NO. FEMALE COMICS ARE JUST SMARTER,

LESS MOLESTED VERSIONS OF STRIPPERS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MALE COMICS ARE ALWAYS COMING UP TO ME AND THEY'RE LIKE,

HEY, NATASHA. DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE ATTRACTIVE

TO BE A COMEDIAN? AND I'M LIKE,

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE UGLY TO BE TALKING TO ME?

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I JUST-- I JUST BROKE UP WITH A GUY.

Audience: AW!

IT'S HARD THOUGHGIRLS, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO SAYS IT,

[Snobby Voice] LISTEN,YOU'VE RUN OUT OF MONEY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE ALL THESE FEMINIST FRIENDS AND THEY'RE LIKE,

NATASHA, HOW CAN YOU JUST LET MEN BUY YOU THINGS?

AND I'M LIKE, OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PRETTY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.I MISS NEW YORK.

BUT I MISS STRANGE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK LIKE THINGS

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MISS. LIKE I MISS THE SUBWAY.

IT'S VERY DIFFERENT OUT IN L.A., RIGHT?

NO ONE TRIED TOTOUCH ME DOWN HERE WHERE I PEE.

BUT THEY HAVE A SIGN INSIDE THESUBWAY, I SWEAR TO GOD, IT SAYS,

"HELP OUT NEW YORK, PLEASE KEEP THE SUBWAY CLEAN. PICK UP YOUR NEWSPAPERS."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, I DON'T THINK THE GUY THAT LEFT

PAGE 2 OF THE NEW YORK TIMESON THE FLOOR IS THE GUY

WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT.HOW BOUT THE GUY IN A PIRATE CAP

- TAKING A CRAP ON THE GROUND? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT FEELS GOOD.I CAME HOME AND SAW MY PARENTS.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU'RE 3,000 MILES AWAY.

AND THEN YOU GET HOME AND YOU'RE LIKE,

OH, YOU PEOPLE. OH.LIKE THEY WERE GONNA BEDIFFERENT OR SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT MY MOM HIT ME.I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'M WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSEAND I STUB MY TOE

AND I WAS LIKE, OH, [BLEEP]. AND MY MOM'S LIKE,

WE DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS IN THIS HOUSE, NOT IN THIS HOUSE.

YOU SAVE THAT TRASH MOUTH FOR LOS ANGELES,

AND YOU DO YOUR DRUGSIN LOS ANGELES

AND YOU BE GAY IN LOS ANGELES.

I'M LIKE MOM, I'M NOT GAY. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

YOU JUST DO IT IN LOS ANGELES.THAT'S HOW I GOT RAISED.

I GOT HIT. I GOT HIT WITH A WOODEN SPOON.

THAT WAS MY MOM'S WEAPON OF CHOICE.

YOU EVER GET HIT WITH A WOODEN SPOON? YEAH.

I HAD A WOODEN SPOONTHAT HUNG IN MY KITCHEN.

IT NEVER TOUCHED SOUP.IT NEVER TOUCHED SAUCE.

IT HAD HOCKEY TAPE AROUND THE END OF IT

AND IT WAS JUST THERE TO CRACK ASS, THAT WAS IT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY THOSE WORDS IN THIS HOUSE. NO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHO I FONDLY REFER TO AS MY GIRLFRIEND. YEAH.

I TRY TO SPICE THINGS UPONCE IN A WHILE.

LIKE I TOOK A VIAGRA, WHICH WAS THE WORST IDEA I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT VIAGRA DOESTO A GUY MY AGE?

I MADE A FOUR-HOUR CONTRACT WITH MY GUY DOWNSTAIRS

AND I HAD NO IDEA. FOUR HOURS...I WAS LIKE THIS FOR FOUR HOURS.

JUST STARRING AT IT.IT WASN'T BLACK AND THIS SKINNY,

BUT IT WAS LIKE THIS. AND I WAS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE HAD SEX FOR LIKE AN HOUR.

AND SHE'S LIKE,I'M GOING TO BED 'CAUSETHIS IS LIKE WEIRD NOW.

I'M LIKE, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?

OK. THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM HERE.

I CAN'T EAT OR SLEEP OR THINK WITH IT.

I CAN'T EVEN WALK AROUNDWITH THIS THING.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO. SHE'S LIKE, WATCH A MOVIE OR SOMETHING.

THE NOTEBOOK I DON'T KNOW. PUT IT ON. ALL RIGHT.

SO I JOINED A SOFTBALL TEAM,

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A GREAT IDEA.

YOU KNOW WE PLAY SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL ON SUNDAYS.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

BUT THE GUYS ON MY TEAM ARE CRAZY.

THESE GUYS SHOW UP TO GAMES, SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL GAMES,

WITH CLEATS, STIRRUPS, THE BARRY BOND'S ARM GUARDS ON,

THE BLACK CRAP UNDER THEIR EYES.

I'M LIKE, FELLAS, THE BALL IS THIS BIG. IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE DRIVEN TO THE GAME TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

MY PITCHER'S THE WORST. THE FIRST BATTER AT EVERY GAME

HE TRIES TO PSYCHE OUT THE OTHER TEAM.

SO HE'LL STARE AT HIMAND HE'LL GO LIKE THIS.

WHAT? WHAT? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS MAN?

WHAT? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS MAN.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!

YOU CAN'T--OH, YOU WANT IT?

WELL, HERE IT COMES MAN, ARE YOU READY?

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