Tuesday, April 5, 2016

  • 04/05/2016

Randall Park, Maria Thayer and Chelsey Crisp list #ElderlyMovies, answer questions about men agonized by shopping trips and break down Gwyneth Paltrow's weird beauty regimen.

First up-- Why, robot.Why, robot.

Hong Kong designer Ricky Maspent nearly two years

and $50,000 to create a robotScarlett Johansson.

-Oh!-Oh! Robo ScarJo. -(laughter)

He carefully crafted it to havethe same physical appearance

as one of his favoriteHollywood actress,

but unlike the realHollywood actress,

this one does not know howto file a restraining order yet.

(laughter, groaning)

Let's see Robo ScarJo in action.

I think robotics isa new manufacturing.

(laughter)

Ma insists he won't use itfor anything tawdry.

Uh, which I guess is whyhe designed it

to look like it's tryingto chew a dick off there.

(laughter)

(Hardwick imitatesrobotic chatter)

(laughter)

Comedians, what do you thinkthis toothy robot

is trying to say here?Maria.

Oh, sorry. I... (laughing)

Uh, uh...

(robotically): I want to chewthrough your toaster cord

and watch your house burn.

HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.That's gonna be her revenge

when she becomes self-aware.

Uh, Chelsey.

(in robotic voice):I only make 75%

of what Robert Downey Jr. makes.

-(laughter, cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: Points.

Randall.

(in robotic voice): Thank you,Ricky Ma, for proving once again

Asians can do everything!

(cheers and applause)

-HARDWICK: They can.-That's right. That's right.

Asians can make everything(bleep)able.

(laughter, cheers and applause)

That's if you...

-That, too.-That as well, that as well.

I only hopethe real Scarlett Johansson

doesn't become self-aware.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

A new reportfrom the Census Bureau

says the number of old peopleis rising

at the fastest ratein human history!

And that meansat this very moment

there are more old peoplethan ever before.

That's 600 million olds...

out in the world.

Oh. Make that...

599 million, 999 thousand...

-(audience groaning)-999... No.

Uh, the report goes on to saythat current old numbers

are supposed to tripleby the year 2050.

And here's why that's upsetting.

Because those futuregeriatric ball draggers in 2050

are us!

-We're them! Oh!-(cheering, applause)

So with that in mind, I'dlike you to pitch me some movies

that'll appeal to the elderlywith tonight's hashtag--

#ElderlyMovies.

#ElderlyMovies.Examples might be:

Batman v Superman: Sunset of Justice,

or... how about, uh,

Assisted Suicide Squad, or...

(laughter, groans)

-Or...-(cheering, applause)

I'm also just gonna throw in The Hot Flash.

I know The Flash isn't a movie yet,

but it's comin'!

It's comin'!They tease it!

So... And the TV show's good.It'll be a movie.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Randall. -The Dark Knight Rises

Four Times to Pee in the Middle of the Night!

-Points. Points.-(cheering, applause)

-All right.-(Thayer panting loudly)

-Chelsey. -Cialis in Wonderland.

-Points! So good! So good.-(shouting, laughter)

-Thayer.-Uh...

Broke Hip Mountain?

-Yes. Points.-(whooping, applause)

Points. Chelsey.

Citizen Needs a Cane.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

I still don't agreewith that movie.

Uh... Randall.

The Grinch Who Ruined Christmas with His Racist Comments.

-Yes. Points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Maria.

Casa Blank on What I Was Saying-a.

-Yeah. Points. Points. Yeah.-Yeah! Yeah!

Chelsey.

Soon I'll Be Dead Pool.

-Yes! Points! Points!-(cheering, applause)

That is the endof the #HashtagWars.

Maria.

Yes, uh, he has a sudden urgeto go motorboating.

Yeah, points.

I... I just found outwhat that was.

You just...What did you think it was?

-THAYER: Oh, God. -What did youthink motorboating was?

(cheering, applause)

-Maria, what's motorboating?-Maria?

Well, I thoughtit was-it was when, um, uh,

it was, uh, loweron the female anatomy.

You mean, like the feetor, like, the...

like, the knees?

No, the, uh, the... Uh...

-Chris. You...-You're turning red.

-Chris, you know what I'mtalking about. -CRISP: Maria.

I don't know whatyou're talking about.

What part?

I mean, what's betweenthe boobs and the knees?

Well, uh, in my family

we call it the Suzy.

-Which...-That's not helping.

-Just an old...-Good call.

Just an old lady...

She's just an old ladywho lives down there.

Get out of here!

This is my cat.Uh...

Anthropomorphic juice cleanseGwyneth Paltrow

famously keeps upher decadent celebrity lifestyle

with a rotating regimenof kale eyeball infusions

and magnetic moon dust baths,

but she's truly one-uppedherself this week

with the most depraved treatmentyet,

painful bee stings!

Uh, as bizarreas bee therapy is,

uh, something tells meGwyneth has even stranger bees

up her sleeve.So I want you to give me

as many Gwyneth Paltrow routinesas you can in 60 seconds.

And begin. Chelsey.

WASP therapy, where you talkabout your problems

-with your other white friends.-Yeah, points.

-Very good. Points.-It works!

It works! It works.

Randall.

Purging your dinnerto the music of Coldplay.

Points.

Maria.

Uh, raccoon-sitting.It's where you sit on a raccoon.

Yeah, points. Chelsey.

Live goldfish colonic.

Randall.

Being redesigned by Hong Kongrobot designer Ricky Ma.

Points.

"Hello. Hello.

I am Gwyneth Paltrow."

(whirring sounds)

Chelsey.

Bikram purging.

Yeah.

Where, uh, you just throw upin a hot attic.

(buzzer sounds)

Just totally alone.

Yeah. You...

you sweat out all those poundsyou're throwing up.

-Yes. Exactly.-Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree.

That brings us to the end ofGwyneth Paltrow Stingy Ouch-Oh.