Mike Vecchione, Calise Hawkins & JJ Williamson

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 07/11/2010

Tupac inspires Mike Vecchione to do crazy, compassionate things; Calise Hawkins is attracted to thuggish but intelligent men; and JJ Williamson is through with having kids.

THIS CROWD, MAN--WHITE ANDBLACK--WE'RE HERE TOGETHER.

LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMEOF THE STEREOTYPES,

LIKE,IN OUR COMMUNITIES.

IS IT TRUE?IS IT TRUE, ACTUALLY?

DO BLACK PEOPLEACTUALLY LIKE CHICKEN

MORE THAN WHITE PEOPLE?

THAT ONE IS OUT THERE.

THE CHICKEN QUESTION.

DO BLACK PEOPLEACTUALLY LIKE CHICKEN?

- YEAH!- YEAH!

- I SAY, I RESPECTFULLYDISAGREE WITH THIS CROWD,

WHICH I HOPE DOES NOT BEAT ME UPAFTER THE SHOW.

I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE.

I THINK WE LIKE CHICKENTHE SAME.

I THINK YOU GUYS

ARE MORE EMOTIONALABOUT CHICKEN THAN WE ARE.

[laughter]

'CAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOA CHICKEN RESTAURANT IN HARLEM,

AND THERE WASBULLETPROOF GLASS

SEPARATING THE PEOPLE WHOWORKED AT THE CHICKEN PLACE

FROM THE CUSTOMERSAT THE CHICKEN PLACE.

THAT'S VERY EMOTIONAL,

AND IT'S PUZZLINGTO A WHITE PERSON.

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "IS THISCHICKEN AND A BANK?"

NO, IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST CHICKEN.

I'M LIKE, WHAT IS GOING ON INTHE AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY

WHERE CHICKENIS BEING USED AS MONEY?

[laughter]

AND IF THAT IS THE CASE,HOW, IN FACT, THEN,

DO YOU BUYA PIECE OF CHICKEN?

WITH ANOTHER PIECEOF CHICKEN?

DO YOU SEEWHAT I'M SAYING?

DJ CASSIDY.- THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

- MY BROTHER, YOU AREKILLING IT TONIGHT.

- THANK YOU, SIR. LIKEWISE.HOLD ON.

LOOK AT THOSE RIDING BOOTSYOU GOT ON.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME,PLAYBOY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PLAYBOY?- LOOK AT THOSE RIDING BOOTS.

- I'LL--KNOW WHAT, I DON'T--KNOW WHAT, I DON'T WANT--

I'M GONNA WALK BACK OUTWITH THESE BAD BOYS

'CAUSE I DON'T THINKTHEY RECOGNIZE THESE DAMN BOOTS.

- I THINK WE NEED TO DO THAT.

- NOBODY WALKSIN THESE DAMN BOOTS.

[cheers and applause]

AH-HA-HA. WHOO!

YO! LADIES LOVE A MANIN BOOTS, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU,IT'S PROVEN.

IT IS PROVEN.

A LOT OF WOMEN KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THEIR MAMA TOLD--WHAT DID MAMA TELL YOU?

WHEN YOU MEET A MAN,YOU LOOK AT HIS DAMN SHOES!

- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

- THEY SAID IF HIS SHOESIS TOE-OFF,

HIS LIFE IS TOE-OFF.

I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN LADIES SEETOE-OFF-ASS SHOES,

WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY START TALKINGABOUT YOUR DAMN SHOES.

IT DON'T MATTERWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TELLING YOU,THEY COULD BE TALKING

ABOUT ROCKET SCIENCE.

YOUR ASS WALK IN THAT CLUBWITH THEM RAGGEDY-ASS SHOES ON,

THEY WILL CHANGETHE CONVERSATION IN MID-FLOW

AND START TALKING ABOUTYOUR DAMN SHOES.

THEY'RE ALL UP IN THE CLUB,SITTING, LIKE,

"YEAH, I'M TELLING YOU,GIRLFRIEND,

"YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS AROUNDWITH NO NEUTRONS

AND NO DAMN PROTONS."

[laughter]

"WHAT, GIRLFRIEND?"

"I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,GIRL, YOU MESS AROUND

"AND THOSE NEUTRONS TOUCHTHOSE PROTONS,

"YOU ARE TALKINGABOUT A COSMIC REACTION

"THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEENIN YOUR LIFE.

"LOOK AT HIS DAMN SHOES!OH, MY GOD, GIRL!

"OH, MY GOD, GIRL!LOOK AT HIS DAMN SHOES!

"THE HEEL IS IN THE FRONT!

"LOOK AT HIS SHOES!

OH, MY GOD!

LOOK AT THEM DAMN SHOES."

AND GUYS,WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

WE DON'T WANTTO RECOGNIZE THAT.

LADIES LOVE SHOES.

A GUY'LL GO GET A HAIRCUT,A NEW SHIRT ON,

A NEW PAIR OF PANTS ON,BROWN-ASSING THAT CLUB.

THOSE SHOES BE TURNT OVER!

THOSE DAMN SHOESBE TURNED TO THE LEFT.

LIKE, HEY!

WHOO! I'M A BIG HITTONIGHT.

THOSE SHOES SO TURNED OVER,HE SPILLING DRINKS.

"I'LL BE GODDAMNED.

"I DONE SPILLED THREE RUM ANDCOKES UP IN HERE TONIGHT.

GOD DAMN THESE SHOES!"

THOSE SHOESSO TURNED OVER,

HE GOTTA LAY DOWNTO PUT 'EM ON.

"I'M GONNA GET MY ASSIN THE CLUB TONIGHT.

"PUT THESE DAMN SHOES ON.

"I'M GONNA BE LEANINGON BITCHES TONIGHT!

"THESE HOSGONNA LOVE ME.

IT AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'TO DO WITH MY ASS."

[laughter]

YO ASS IS LEANINGON EVERYBODY.

"GET THE HELL OFF ME.""HEY, PLAYBOY.

YOU SEE MY SHOESALL JACKED UP."

[laughter]

IT COULD BE A SHOOTOUT.

WHERE YOU GONNA RUN AT,YOUR SHOES TURNED TO THE LEFT?

YOU'RE THERE, TRYING TO HAVEA GOOD TIME, GET YOUR DRINK ON.

"YEAH, I'M A BIT HERE TONIGHT.HA HA!

"YEAH, YEAH.

"GOT A LITTLE BEEFBACK THERE, HUH?

"WHY DON'T Y'ALLBREAK THAT UP, MAN?

"WE TRYIN' TO HAVE A GOOD TIMEUP IN HERE TONIGHT.

HEY!"

[laughter]

"UH-OH.EVERYBODY RUNNIN'.

"I'M UP OUT OF HERE.HELL, NO.

"OH, NO!

"I CAN'T GET OUTOF THE CLUB!

"GOD DAMN YOU, SHOES!

I'LL BE GODDAMNED!"

"MOVE, MAN,YOU'RE BLOCKING THE DOOR!"

"I'M BLOCKING THE DOOR?I'M TRYING TO GET OUT OF HERE.

"GOD DAMN, THESE SHOESDONE GOT ME KILT!

I SHOULD HAVE WOREMY DAMN SANDALS!"

[laughter]

ON THE WAY HOME, THE POLICE WANTTO PULL YOUR ASS OVER. RIGHT?

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET HOMEWITH THEM DAMN SHOES ON.

JUST TRYING TO GET HOME.YOU AIN'T DRUNK.

YOU DIDN'T HAVETOO MANY DRINKS.

YOU TRYIN' TO GET HOMEAND WHOO-WHOO!

"I'LL BE GODDAMNED.HERE COME THE POLICE.

I GOT THESERAGGEDY-ASS SHOES ON."

THE COP PULL YOUR ASS OVER,SAME--SAME KIND OF DAMN BOOTS.

THE COPROLL UP ON YOUR ASS.

"HOW ARE YOU DOINGTONIGHT?

"YOU OKAY TONIGHT?

"THIS IS JUST PROCEDURE,

"BUT I'M GONNA HAVE YOUSTEP OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.

"STAY RIGHT THERE.

"I'M GONNA HAVE YOU WALKTHIS STRAIGHT LINE

RIGHT HERE FOR ME, SIR."

[laughter]

"NOW LOOK HERE,OFFICER.

"I AIN'T TRYING TO CAUSENO TROUBLE.

"LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORYABOUT THESE DAMN SHOES.

"NOW I'M GONNA GOAROUND YOU TO THE RIGHT,

"I'M GONNA COME BEHIND YOU,

"AND I'M GONNA COMERIGHT BACK HERE AGAIN.

"BUT IT'S GONNA BETHE STRAIGHTEST DAMN CIRCLE

"YOU EVER SEENIN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.

YOU GONNA THINK I DO ITWITH A COMPASS!"

[laughs]

I'M FROM NEW YORK.

- YEAH!- ALL RIGHT!

- I HAVE A COP LOOKIN NEW YORK,

AND MY PROBLEM IS, I DON'TLOOK LIKE A NICE COP.

I LOOK LIKE A VERY JERKY,STATEN ISLAND,

KEEP IT MOVIN',

I'M-GOING-TO-RACIALLY-PROFILE-YOU TYPE COP.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AMAS A PERSON.

THAT'S THE LOOKTHAT I HAVE, THOUGH.

I HAVE THIS LOOK LIKE,"I DON'T CARE IF OBAMA WON.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.WE HAVE A PROBLEM."

[laughter]

AND WE HAVE A PROBLEM

BECAUSE I WAS TOO SHORT TO PLAYHIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL.

I'M INSECURE.

[cheers and applause]

I WAS DATING THIS GIRL.

SHE'S LIKE, "MIKE, YOU LOOKSO MUCH LIKE A COP.

WHY DON'T YOU JUSTBECOME A COP?"

I'M LIKE,"I RESPECT THE POLICE.

I JUST COULDN'T WEAR A UNIFORMTO WORK EVERY DAY."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOUJUST BECOME AN UNDERCOVER COP?"

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I HATE TOPOINT OUT THE OBVIOUS HERE,

BUT IF I LOOK LIKEA COP..."

[laughter]

CHANCES ARE, I WOULDN'T BETHAT EFFECTIVE UNDERCOVER."

SHE WASN'T THAT SMART.

SO I WENT ONLINE TO BECOMEA PRIVATE DETECTIVE.

IT WAS A PRIVATE DETECTIVESCHOOL ONLINE,

AND I PAID ONLINE,

BUT THEN I NEVER HEARDFROM THEM AGAIN.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,I EITHER GOT RIPPED OFF

OR THIS IS MY FIRST CASE.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

SO I WENT BACK TO REEXAMININGWHY I WANTED TO BE A COP.

IT WAS FORTHE WRONG REASONS.

IT WAS FOR THE WRONGREASONS.

IT WAS 'CAUSE I WANTED TO CALLANOTHER MAN MY PARTNER

AND NOT BE CONSIDERED GAY.

'CAUSE I WOULD JUSTMESS AROUND.

I'D WALK AROUNDWITH MY COP FRIEND

IN PLAINCLOTHES,HOLDING HANDS,

WAITING FOR SOMEBODYTO SAY SOMETHING.

THEY'D BE LIKE,"OH, YOU GUYS ARE GAY?"

"LOOK, WE'RE NOT GAY, DUDE.WE'RE COPS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE UNDER ARRESTFOR A HATE CRIME."

[laughter]

"NOW GET AGAINST THE WALL.

"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BODYCAVITY SEARCH, ALL RIGHT?

NO GLOVE.WHO'S GAY NOW, BITCH?"

[laughter]

THEY HAVE SOMETHING BETTER,SOMETHING CALLED CIVIL UNION.

I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVEA CIVIL UNION WITH A WOMAN.

THAT WAY,WHEN WE SEPARATE,

I DON'T HAVE TO USETHE UGLY WORD "DIVORCE."

I COULD BE LIKE,"LOOK, SWEETIE.

"I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE.

I SIMPLY WOULD LIKE TO SECEDEFROM THE UNION..."

[laughter]

"THEN JOIN THE CONFEDERACY OFBANGING OTHER BITCHES."

SNAP!

I DON'T MEAN "BITCH"IN A DISRESPECTFUL WAY.

I MEAN IT THE WAYTHAT TUPAC MEANT IT.

[laughter]

YEAH, I KNOW I'M FROMBIGGIE TERRITORY,

AND THERE'S STILLSOME TENSION IN THE AIR.

BUT I LIKE TUPAC, AND I DON'TLOOK LIKE A TUPAC FAN.

I LOOK LIKE MAYBE I SHOULD BEFIST-POUNDING IT

DOWN AT THE JERSEY SHOREAT NIGHT

WHILE SELLING T-SHIRTSDURING THE DAY.

[laughter]

BUT I LIKE ME SOME TUPAC,

'CAUSE HE'S CRAZY ANDCOMPASSIONATE AT THE SAME TIME.

I LISTEN TO HIM, I WANT TO DOCRAZY, COMPASSIONATE THINGS.

LIKE A DRIVE-BY SHOOTING,BUT IN A HYBRID CAR.

SENDS A GREAT MESSAGE.

I'MA TRY TO KILLALL YOU PEOPLE.

BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LIVE,LET'S PROTECT MOTHER EARTH.

YEAH.

[laughter]

AND I TRY TO USE THAT PHILOSOPHYIN MY OWN LIFE.

CRAZY AND COMPASSIONATE.

I DO SOME CRAZY THINGS.I NAMED MY OWN PENIS.

THAT COULD BECONSIDERED CRAZY.

BUT ONTHE COMPASSIONATE SIDE,

I NAMED IT AFTERTHE THIRD-WORLD CHILD

THAT I'M SPONSORINGIN GUATEMALA.

SO IT'S A LITTLE LONG-WINDEDWHEN I CAN'T GET AN ERECTION.

I'M LIKE,"MARCOS ANTHONY GUTIERREZ!

"WHAT IS THE MEANINGOF THIS?

"YOU BETTER STANDAT ATTENTION

IF YOUR VILLAGE EVER WANTSTO GET AN IRRIGATION SYSTEM."

[laughter]

YOU HAVE TO THREATENIN THIRD-WORLD WAYS.

YOU HAVE TO.