• Season 1, Ep 9
  • 05/09/2007

Kenny forces the residents to find jobs at a mall food court, and rats infest Crenshaw House.

ALAN:Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!

Hey, Kenny, upstairsIt's huge.It's a rat!

It's a big rat!It's big!

(both talking at once)Hold on, hold on.

Hold on. Stop.What? There's a rat?

Yes. In the bathroom.

Ahh! Scared of a rat!What? You'rekidding me.

There's no ratsin the house.

Hey, guys,I know you're lying

because every rat I knowis in this room right now.

I'm looking at them.Ahh...

Kenny!(blows raspberries)

Sit down,sit down.Ouch.

Can we at leastget dressed first?No.

Meeting starts at 9:00 a.m.

This is how you chose to come,have a seat, guys.

I'm in my drawers, man.That's disgusting.

ALAN::What if mypee-pee flops out?

KENNY:If your pee-pee flops out,we'll flop it back in.

Okay, so one month ago,I gave you all a deadline

of 30 days to find a jobor, under BOP guidelines,

you'd have to go back to prison.

Remember how I told youthat about a month ago?

So, I just thoughtI'd take roll and find out

what jobs you guys havegone ahead and gotten.

So, what's your job, Alan?

I'm your assistant.

Okay,that's not a job

and you're notmy assistant.

Anybody else?(mouthing)

Oh, yeah.Um, I'm spittin' game,

I'm laying down the goon hand,

and I'm keepin' them hoeson the corner.

Is that job legal?


Anybody else?Oh, great.

Carly, what's your job?

Cat walking.

And how much have you been paid?

Cats don't have money.

That's true.

Guys, the job that you get,

that will prevent youfrom going back to prison,

has to be a paying job.

So, Uncle Kenny has done you alla big favor.

Tomorrow, I'm goingto take you to a place

where you all can get jobsas long as you want one.

So, the rest of the day,

we're going to workon our interview skills.

Give me your best exampleof a good customer greeting.

Oh, um...

What'chu want?

Boy, that was impressive.

How about, "Welcometo the restaurant.

Can I help you?"

Welcome to the restaurant.

Can I help you?What'chu want?

I would like a tablefor four, please.

Well, you're gonna haveto wait 'cause we're booked up.

You see, we busy.

Man, what you think?You can just walk in

off the streetand get any table you want?

You better chill, man.

Don't make me comeupside your head.

Hey, Sebastian,why would you choose,

in a completelymade up scenario,

to not be ableto help somebody?

Why would you makethat choice?

If I'm workingin a restaurant,

trust me, it's gonna be off the chain.

Why don't you tell meabout your best quality?

I'm a hard worker, I'm on time,and I'm personable.

What would you consideryour worst quality?

Probably shoplifting.

Have you ever workeda cash register?


Do you thinkyou could learn?

Probably not.

I'm not going to domanual labor.

That's not manual labor.

(imitates machine chugging)

I am no Hebrew to be, uh,with the money-- No.

Under "special skills"

on your application,you've written

"beatin' on crackasand takin' they money."

What does that...?

Well, I ain't talkin'about saltines and Ritz.

I'm talking aboutwhite folks.

Beatin' that assand takin' their money.

Okay, guys, this is it.

Food court's lookingfor employees.

Get in there, apply,

and, guys, put on smiles.

No one's going to hirea frumpazoid, okay?

What do I needa job for?

I'm alreadya big ol' pimp.

(clapping hands):Crenshaw Team! Crenshaw Team!

(Muzak playing)

Hi. Can I help you?

My name is Serenity Johnsonand I am required by law

to inform youthat I am a convicted felon

in the state of Californiafor armed robbery.

Is y'all hiring felonsright now?

Um, I would justhave to check.

Don't be a punk-ass.Just say no.


Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hello?


Could I possibly speakwith your manager for a second?

What'cha need?

Can I see your manager please?Can you read?

I'm the manager. I'm in charge.

What, you hungryor something?

Uh, no. Actually,my name is Alan Shepherd.

I'm currentlyseeking employment.

This is my resume.

I have an undergraduatein Managerial Sciences

from Pomona School of Business.

Uh...You was in the joint?

Yes, well, yes. I do havesome felony convictions,

but I'm in the processof getting those expunged.

Good for you.

Well, the only thingI can offer,

you could be a server.

A server?

Put that on.

What up, black man?

What's up, pimp?How you feel?

Chillin', chillin'.

Chillin'. What's up with you?

Hey, man, look, I'm a felonUh huh.

so they're making meget a job.

Yeah. I could hook you up, man.

I had to fire this white boyyesterday over some bull.


What about assistant manager?How that sound?

Holla, I can handle that.Yeah, no doubt.

What up, Alan?Welcome to the team,bro, for sure.

Assist... He gets to beassistant manager?

Get to work!

Yeah, when thathappens, sure.

How long is it before

some of the fringesof the benefits--

I don't know,a company car, or...

There's no car,there's no company car.

Never?It's crazy,

but they expect you to findyour way here on your own.

It's insane.You know, I don't knowif this is going to...

(music playing)

ALAN: I'm sorry about that.

Okay, now,what did you have again?

SEBASTIAN:Well, then, I'm,like, pounding three hoes

at the same time, right?Right, right, right.

Like, and all threeof them hollering my name some Destiny's Child typeof harmonies, you know?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,ow, ow.SEBASTIAN:They're like, ♪ C-Bass...

Okay, just...

And I was just like, "Singthat, ho, sing my name, ho."

Excuse me.

It's getting kind ofbusy out here, Sebastian.

I need your help.

Maybe you couldgive me a hand?Look, man,

I'm an assistant manager.

You're just a server.

You don't tell me what to do.I'm your boss.

Get back to work.

Pick that up.Pick it up!

MANAGER:Did you hear?I'm picking it up, sir.

Get your monkey assback to work.

Them collard greens ain'tgonna serve themself.


See, he ignorant.It's just, you know,

it's how he was raised,you know.I don't understandpeople like that.

You don't just come in and interrupt somebody

in the middleof a story.We're trying torun a business.

WOMAN:I'm using a productcalled Pink Champagne.

And what it is, it's somethingvery light, very fresh.

Well, it's a little pink

but your skin toneis a little uneven.

Not feeling that? Okay.

Well, what I'm goingto do is make it

a little more subtle...

Excuse me. Hi.

I'm really, really--I apologize. Sir.

I just... look... but,look, no, no, no.

Look.And now it's all blended.

Egyptian Whip is the technique.

How did you...

Roll it out.Roll it?

Yes, yes.Roll and pull.

That's amazing.A little softer, but...

A little softer? Okay.

Will you be a glazed peachand grab me Tuscany Afternoon?

On the thirdshelf, number five.

Number five.You got it.Yes.

Just-- Hello.

The structure,this is the genetics.

You see what I'm saying?

And laterwe'll do the hair, but...There.

That is just breathtaking.

EULOGIO:Thank you so much.

She was so pasty and bloatedwhen she came in.

I felt sorry for you.

And I got stuck with her,so what are you going to do?

Now look, huh?She's, uh...I know.

This is crazy,

and I'm just going to speakoff the top of my head,

but we're kind of shorthanded.

Would you liketo be a H r?

I would loveto be a H r.


Let me get you a smock.

Oh, that's goingto be fabulous.