The Roast of Twayne the Boneraper

  • Season 2, Ep 214
  • 03/21/2012

Twayne quits after getting roasted at his DOI 10-year anniversary party, leaving Mark in charge.

NOW, AS YOU ALL KNOW, WE'RETHROWING TWAYNE A ROAST.

AND TWAYNE HIMSELFASKED ME TO BE ON THE DAIS,

SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY OUTSOME OF MY MATERIAL

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.HERE WE GO.

THIS ISN'T TWAYNE'S FIRST ROAST.NOPE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE USESHIS CROCK-POT MOST WEEKNIGHTS.

[rimshot]

TWAYNE SEEMS PRETTY HORNY.YEAH.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSEHE HAS HORNS ON HIS HEAD.

[rimshot]

SEE?

"HORNY" CAN MEANA COUPLE DIFFERENT THINGS

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

- THIS IS GOINGTO BE A PROBLEM.

- HEY, FRIENDS, WICKED EXCITEDFOR YOUR ZINGERS TOMORROW.

IF YOU DON'T RIP ME TO SHREDSAT THAT ROAST,

I'M GOING TO BEPERSONALLY OFFENDED.

- HE'S GONNA LOVEMY PERFORMANCE.

I'VE GOT PUNS AND RIMSHOTSAND THEN MORE PUNS.

- MM-MM.

- YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVETO GO UP ONSTAGE.

THE REAL ACTION AT ANY ROASTIS IN THE DECORATING.

- DECORATIONS ARE A BLAST,BUT I'VE GOT COMEDY GOLD TO MINE

WITH MY PUNCH LINE PICKAX.

- TAKE OFF THE KID GLOVES.

YOU'RE JUST NOT FUNNY.

PLEASE DON'T TAKE A BLAND,FLAVORLESS CRAP ON OUR NIGHT.

- [chuckles]

WELL, WE'LL SEE WHOSE "CRAP"IS BLAND AND FLAVORLESS

WHEN I KNOCK THEM DEATH.

- UGH, HE CAN'T EVEN EXITON A GOOD LINE.

WELCOME TO THE ROAST OF TWAYNETHE BONERAPER

- THROW ME ON THE SPIT!WHOO!

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- TWAYNE, ARE YOU HAPPYTO BE HERE?

- SAY, CALLIE,I MAY BE DUMMY TWAYNE,

BUT TWAYNE'S THE REAL DUMMY.

- THE PUPPET'S TALKINGON ITS OWN!

[laughs]PRICELESS!

[cheers and applause]

- HOW ABOUTA FEW IMPRESSIONS?

BOBBY DE NIRO.

ARE YOU SPEAKING WITH ME,TWAYNE?

THERE'S NO ONE ELSE HERE,SO YOU MUST BE SPEAKING TO ME.

[laughter]

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DEMON WHENSOMEONE TELLS YOU TO GO TO HELL

AND YOU'RE ALREADY THERE.

- OH, IT'S FUNNY'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK.

- OUR NEXT ROASTERIS THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION,

"IS THERE ANYTHINGI WON'T [bleep]?"

THE QUEEN OF MEAN,LISA LAMPANELLI, EVERYONE.

[cheers and applause]

- LOOK AT THIS DAIS, HUH?

WE GOT MORE UNKNOWN ORGANISMSUP HERE THAN MY LAST PAP SMEAR.

- [laughs]

- CALLIE MAGGOTBONE'S HERE.

WHAT A BODY ON HER, HUH?

HER BOOBS ARE ABOUT AS NATURALAS LEONARD'S HARD-ON.

- OH, HERE IT COMES.

- LEONARD, HEY,MUST HAVE BEEN

A LONELY 300 YEARSBEFORE VIAGRA.

NO WONDER THEY CALLED ITTHE DARK AGES,

WHICH INCIDENTALLYIS WHAT I CALL MY VER-GINA.

[laughter]

AND FINALLY,THE MAN OF THE HOUR,

TWAYNE THE BONE RAPER.

SERIOUSLY, HAS ANYONEEVER SEEN THIS GUY NAKED?

NOW I KNOWWHY THEY CALL IT A REDWOOD.

[laughter and cheers]

I PRESENT, THE DEPARTMENT OFBIRTHDAYS

- WELCOME, MR. DIRECTOR.

JOYCE, GET THESE MENSOME REFRESHMENTS!

- OH.- BITCH.

AS YOU CAN SEE, SIR,WE SPECIALIZE IN ALL ASPECTS

OF CELEBRATING D.O.I.STAFF BIRTHDAYS.

JOYCE!- [whimpers nervously]

- EMPLOYEE BIRTHDAY CARDSARE DESIGNED AND WRITTEN HERE.

OH, WE'RE IN LUCK!

A READING.

- PUT DOWN THE W-2sAND REQUESTS FOR VACATION.

PUT A PIN IN TODAY'SSEXUAL HARASSMENT ORIENTATION.

WE ALL KNOW HOW HUMANA RESOURCE YOU ARE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,BETH IN HR.

[applause]

- THE D.O.I. BIRTHDAY SINGERS.

THEY'RE PRACTICING THE BELOVED

AND WORLD-FAMOUSTRADITIONAL BIRTHDAY SONG.

- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO--

- BIRTHDAY TIME IS HERE AGAIN. EXACTLY, MR. DIRECTOR.

WELL DONE.

FINALLY, THE BAKERY.

I KNOW SOMEBODYWHO'S GONNA LOVE THIS CAKE:

GOOSE KEVIN!

- I AM BEYOND IMPRESSED.

NEXT YOU'RE GONNA TELL MEYOU CAN BAKE BIRTHDAY FUN

DIRECTLY INTO THE CAKE.

- I'M SORRY.WE CAN'T DO THAT.

BUT EXTREME RADICALCELEBRITY CHEF GUY FIERI CAN!

- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

DEEP-FRY THAT BITCH.

- HIS SALARY'SKIND OF EXCESSIVE,

DON'T YOU THINK?

IN FACT, THE BUDGETFOR YOUR WHOLE DEPARTMENT

KIND OF...IS.

- WHAT ARE--WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- HE'S SAYINGYOU'RE [bleep] CANNED.

THE BIRTHDAY DEPARTMENTIS OVER.

GET PACKING, PEOPLE.

- AS YOU WISH,MR. DIRECTOR.

ABORT!ABORT!

JOYCE, I BLAME YOU,YOU GIMPY, DATELESS BITCH!

- NO SENSE IN THISGOING TO WASTE.

- [clears throat]

GOOD DAY, ASSEMBLY.

TODAY MY BIRTHDAYWILL GO UNCELEBRATED.

- THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!- IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!

- SUCK MY BULBS!

- ORDER!ORDER!

DIRECTOR, IF YOU PLEASE.

- UH, HI, EVERYONE.

I JUST GOTTHE DIRECTOR JOB TODAY,

AND, WELL, I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE EFFICIENT

IF WE SHUT DOWNTHE DEPARTMENT OF BIRTHDAYS.

[murmurs of disapproval]- WHAT?

- GUY FIERI IS MAKING$2 1/2 MILLION!

- IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART

THAT THE GOOSE PEOPLE SECEDEFROM THE INTEGRATION TREATY.

I BID YOU GOOD DAY.

- NOT GOOD.

- THE CARROT MEN ALSO WITHDRAW,

AND I MIGHT ADDTHE DIRECTOR BLEW OFF

ALL SIX OF THE LUNCHESI HAD SCHEDULED TODAY.

I BID YOU GOOD CARROT!

- WE WILL NOTBE PART OF A UNION

THAT DOES NOT INCLUDECARROT MEN.

- SO IT IS AGREED.

THE NEW YORK INTEGRATION TREATYIS DISSOLVED.

[all shouting]

- LET'S GO!

FREAKY BISCUIT IS ON THE MOVE.

FREAKY BISCUIT IS SECURE.

- IS THERE A PROCESS OF APPEALSON THE CODE NAME?

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