Jeff Marder & David Feldman

  • Season 1, Ep 0128
  • 02/24/1992

Jeff Marder embraces public nudity, and David Feldman makes the case for blowing off debt.

THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING.

THERE WAS ABOUT AS MANY ACTORSIN THE AUDIENCE

AS THERE ARE HEREIN THE STUDIO AUDIENCE

AND I WAS SO NERVOUS,AND THE DIRECTOR SAYS--

IT WAS AN IMPROV THING--

HE SAYS, "YOU'RE A PHARMACISTAND YOU'RE AN ABORIGINE, GO!"

OH, MY GOD!

OKAY, WELL, THAT PRETTY MUCHTOOK CARE OF MY ACTING CAREER.

BUT I HAVE FRIENDS--

MY MANAGER HOWARD KLEIN COMESOVER WITH HIS TWO CHILDREN

AND I LIVE IN A HOUSELIKE I'M A BACHELOR.

I HAVE SHARP FURNITUREAND I HAD NO TOYS FOR CHILDREN.

I HAD ONE TOY-- I HADA BLOOD PRESSURE MACHINE

WHICH YOU COULD PUTYOUR FINGER IN.

IT WAS SAD SEEINGTHE LITTLE BABY PUT HIS FINGER

IN THE BLOOD PRESSURE...

SO THEN WHEN HOWIECAME OVER THE NEXT TIME

I BOUGHT SOME TRANSFORMERS,WHATEVER THEY ARE.

IT GOT ME SCARED.

I HAD TO GO BACK TO ANALYSIS.

BECAUSE IT LOOKEDLIKE A MAITRE D'

AND YOU TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN,IT'S RAMBO.

IT WAS THE MOSTFRIGHTENING THING.

( laughter )

THAT YOU COULD BUY, LIKE,INNOCENT BYSTANDER DOLLS

WATCHING PEOPLE GETMURDERED, RIGHT?

THEY HAVE KIDS.

EVERYONE HAS KIDS BUT ME.

YOU HAVE KIDS.

THIS WHOLE ROW IS KIDS ROW.

NOT YOU... WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,FIVE? FIVE OR SIX?

YOU KNOW, CHRISTO, THE GUYWHO DID THE UMBRELLAS?

I SHOULD HAVE HAD CHRISTOCOVER MY ADOLESCENCE.

IF I HAD MONEY, JUST TO WIPE OUTTHOSE MEMORIES BECAUSE I JUST...

GOOD NIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( laughter )

BUT MY SHRINK TOLD ME THAT I HADAN OUT-OF-FAMILY EXPERIENCE

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,AND I FEEL IT'S TRUE.

I CAN'T... HERE'STHE DEAL: HONESTY.

YOU HAVE TO BE HONESTWITH CHILDREN.

AND I HAD AN UNCLE AND LOOK,THIS HAIR, IT COULD BE...

I'M GOING TO LOSE IT ANYWAY.

AND I'M NOT KNOCKING TOUPEES,BUT MY UNCLE, MY UNCLE PHIL

HE HAD A TOUPEE,IT LOOKED LIKE--

REMEMBER DAVY CROCKETTAT THE ALAMO

WITH THE THINGTHAT FLIPPED OUT?

IT WAS SO OBVIOUS AND HE'D WALKIN AND WE KNEW IT WAS A TOUPEE.

I MEAN, HE KEPT THE TAG ON,FLYING SQUIRREL THING.

I MEAN, THE TOUPEEWAS ACTUALLY SEEN

TRYING TO HUMPSOME NEIGHBORHOOD DOGS.

IT WAS SAD.

HE GOT HIS TOUPEE NEUTERED.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIMEIN THE HISTORY OF HAIR.

I CAN'T RAISE A CHILD.

I MEAN, WE LIVEDIN THE SUFFERDOME

I THINK OUR HOUSE WAS.

WE USED TO OPEN THE WINDOWS UPAT DINNER

SO WE'D HAVE CROSS-HUMILIATIONFOR EVERYBODY.

FORGET CUB SCOUTS, I WASIN THE TRAGEDY SCOUTS.

I GET TO THE CORNER,I SEE AN ELDERLY WOMAN.

SHE SAYS, "CAN YOU HELP MEACROSS THE STREET?"

AND I GO-- THAT WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE THE WOMAN TALKING.

IT WAS MY VOICE.

I'M A FANTASTIC IMPRESSIONIST.

SO SHE SAID, "CAN YOUHELP ME ACROSS THE STREET?"

AND I SAID, WHEN I WAS 10

"I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU ACROSSTHE STREET, I KNOW YOU'RE 112

BUT I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMSMYSELF AND I'M SORRY."

THE TRAGEDY SCOUTS,LADIES AND GERMS.

OKAY, LET'S KEEP THE A LIST ROLLING