Jeff Marder & David Feldman

  • 02/24/1992

THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING.

THERE WAS ABOUT AS MANY ACTORSIN THE AUDIENCE

AS THERE ARE HEREIN THE STUDIO AUDIENCE

AND I WAS SO NERVOUS,AND THE DIRECTOR SAYS--

IT WAS AN IMPROV THING--

HE SAYS, "YOU'RE A PHARMACISTAND YOU'RE AN ABORIGINE, GO!"

OH, MY GOD!

OKAY, WELL, THAT PRETTY MUCHTOOK CARE OF MY ACTING CAREER.

BUT I HAVE FRIENDS--

MY MANAGER HOWARD KLEIN COMESOVER WITH HIS TWO CHILDREN

AND I LIVE IN A HOUSELIKE I'M A BACHELOR.

I HAVE SHARP FURNITUREAND I HAD NO TOYS FOR CHILDREN.

I HAD ONE TOY-- I HADA BLOOD PRESSURE MACHINE

WHICH YOU COULD PUTYOUR FINGER IN.

IT WAS SAD SEEINGTHE LITTLE BABY PUT HIS FINGER

IN THE BLOOD PRESSURE...

SO THEN WHEN HOWIECAME OVER THE NEXT TIME

I BOUGHT SOME TRANSFORMERS,WHATEVER THEY ARE.

IT GOT ME SCARED.

I HAD TO GO BACK TO ANALYSIS.

BECAUSE IT LOOKEDLIKE A MAITRE D'

AND YOU TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN,IT'S RAMBO.

IT WAS THE MOSTFRIGHTENING THING.

( laughter )

THAT YOU COULD BUY, LIKE,INNOCENT BYSTANDER DOLLS

WATCHING PEOPLE GETMURDERED, RIGHT?

BEFORE THE PLANE BACKED AWAYFROM THE GATE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW OUT OF ITYOU HAVE TO BE TO GO OUT

BEFORE THERE'S ANY MOTIONIN THE SPACECRAFT?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWNBECAUSE I WAS READING

ONE OF THOSE REALLY RIVETINGCORPORATE PROFILES

IN THE IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE,YOU KNOW.

"HE BECAME THE CHAIRMANOF THE BOARD

OF THE SQUIB CORPORATIONIN 196..."

( laughter )

"HE BECAME THE CHAIRMANOF THE BOARD

OF THE SQUIB CORPORATIONIN 19..."

IT'S LIKE A GLIMPSEINTO ALZHEIMER'S.

EVERY SECOND A NEW EXPERIENCE.

OH, LOOK AT THAT,I NEVER READ THAT BEFORE.

"HE BECAME THE CHAIRMANOF THE BOARD

OF THE SQUIB CORPORATIONIN 1967."

HEY, EVERYBODY, HE...

HERE'S AN ANALOGY: YOU KNOWHOW SOMETIMES IT'S SATURDAY--

FOUR TIMES A MONTH--YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THAT--

SO YOU'RE SO EXCITEDTHAT IT'S THE WEEKEND

THAT YOU GET UP EARLYTO DO YOUR LITTLE ERRANDS

OR YOUR MEDIUM ERRANDS,EVEN YOUR LARGE ERRANDS.

WHO AM I TO CAST ASPERSIONSON THE SIZE OF YOUR ERRANDS?

"HE'S THE ASPERSION CASTER,STONE HIM!"

AND I'M BACK, OKAY.

SO YOU COME HOME

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO WATCHWHAT YOU'VE CHOSEN

FROM YOUR SATURDAYVIEWING MENU.

USUALLY A SPORTING EVENTON SATURDAY.

IT'S OVER 3:30, 4:00.

THERE'S NOTHING ON NOW

EXCEPT THOSE WILDLIFE ORWORLD WAR II DOCUMENTARIES

AND YOU'RE STARTING TO FADE.

AND AS YOU'RE STARTING TO FADE

ALL YOUR SENSES ARE MAGNIFIED,ESPECIALLY THAT OF HEARING.

YOU'RE THINKING, "IS THETELEVISION REALLY THAT LOUD?

"HOW COULD A PERSON LISTENTO SOMETHING AT THAT VOLUME

AND NOT BLEED FROM THEIR HEAD?"

AND YOU WANT TO GET UPTO TURN IT DOWN

BUT IF YOU STAND UP, THAT'S IT.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL EDGE THE LAWN,RAKE THE LEAVES

OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERYBECAUSE YOU'RE UP.

SO YOU JUST DEAL WITH IT.

LIKE WHEN YOU'RE FALLING ASLEEPAND YOU'RE GETTING COLD.

YOUR BODY TEMPERATURESTARTS TO DROP.

THAT INTERNAL THERMOSTATKICKS DOWN...

KICKS DOWN... KICKS DOWN.

REPITA, POR FAVOR?

KICKS DOWN.

AND YOU'RE GETTING COLD AND YOUWANT TO GET UP TO GET A BLANKET

BUT IF YOU GET UPTO GET A BLANKET

YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNIT THE BLANKET.

SO YOU JUST DEAL WITH IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'REDOING THIS, RIGHT?

( laughter )

SOMETIMES WHEN GUYS ARE COLD,YOU SEE US DO THIS.

YOU EVER SEE US DO THIS?

( laughter )

BECAUSE TESTICLES,THEY'RE LIKE STERNO.

IT'S LIKE...

IT'S A HEAT SOURCE.

IT'S A SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE.

THEY TEACH YOU THISIN OUTWARD BOUND SCHOOL.

SO IT'S KIND OF THE SPACETHAT I'M IN ON THE AIRPLANE.

LONG WAY TO GO TO EXPLAIN APSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT, AIN'T IT?

"YES, JEFF, ALMOSTAYN RAND-LIKE IN LENGTH."

THEY MAKE THIS DESTINATION CHECKAS I'M FADING

WHICH SOUNDS SO LOUD.

"THIS IS AMERICAN FLIGHT 1164,SERVICE TO LOS ANGELES.

"THOSE PEOPLE NOT GOINGTO LOS ANGELES

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIMETO DEPLANE."

I'M UP!

I REALIZED SOMETHINGABOUT MYSELF THEN.

EVEN IF I GOTON THE WRONG FLIGHT

I COULD NOT AT THAT POINTRETRIEVE MY BELONGINGS

FROM THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTAND THEN SKULK OFF THE PLANE.

I COULDN'T TAKETHAT PSYCHIC ABUSE:

"HE GOT ON THE WRONG PLANE."

"HE WAS GOING-- YOU! YOU! YOU!"

I WOULD RATHER FLY TO TOKYO.

I DON'T CARE IF IT COSTS MEEIGHT GRAND, IT'S WORTH IT.

PERSONALLY, I DON'T EVEN THINK

THEY SHOULD MAKETHAT ANNOUNCEMENT.

YOU GET ON THE WRONG FLIGHT,FORGET YOU.

YOU DESERVE TO GOTO A DESTINATION

NOT OF YOUR CHOICE.

IT'S ON THE TICKET.

IT'S ON THAT PLACARDBEFORE YOU GET ON THE PLANE.

THEY CAN'T BABY-SIT YOUR ASSIN THE STRATOSPHERE.

"OKAY, TUCK ME INWHEN I'M HUNGRY AND FEED ME.

"OKAY, GOOD NIGHT, STEWARDESS.

"COME HERE, COME HERE.

"YOU'RE THE BEST STEWARDESS,YOU KNOW?

"I WASN'T SURE HOWTO OPERATE A SEAT BELT

"TILL THAT LITTLESAFETY DEMONSTRATION

BUT IT REALLY IS SO EASY."

( laughter )

"JUST MILK IT, JEFF."

I CAN'T SLEEP ON THE AIRPLANE,BECAUSE I SLEEP NAKED

AND THEY HATE THAT ANDTHEY'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR PEANUTS.

THAT'S A CUTE JOKE, ISN'T IT?

"YES, JEFF, IN AN ERMABOMBECK KIND OF WAY."

ALL RIGHT, I'LLTELL YOU THE STORY

BEHIND THAT PARTICULARWITTICISM.

I WROTE THAT JOKE SITTINGNAKED AT THE COMPUTER

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS KINDOF A HOLISTIC EXPERIENCE.

FREAKED THE PEOPLE AT RADIOSHACK OUT, BUT I THOUGHT...

"I AM ZEN MASTER!"

"WHY IS HE NAKEDIN ALL HIS JOKES?

TWO JOKES IN A ROW HE'SDISROBED-- IT'S NOT FAIR."

ARE YOU USING THIS?

ALL RIGHT, WE'REGOING TO DO COMEDY

FOR BOTH HEMISPHERESOF YOUR BRAIN.

I SWEAR.

IN YOUR HEAD, YOU HAVETWO HEMISPHERES.

GO AHEAD AND CHECK.

CORRECT.

ONE SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN CONTROLSLINEAR, LOGICAL THOUGHT.

THAT'LL NOW BE REPRESENTEDBY THIS MICROPHONE.

THE OTHER HEMISPHERE OFYOUR BRAIN IS A GARAGE SALE--

THOUGHTS, STATEMENTS, FRAGMENTS

ONE-LINERS,SPACIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

THE OTHER HEMISPHERE CONTROLS

CREATIVITY, FANTASYAND IMAGINATION.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WASGROWING UP AS A KID--

WHICH IS THE BEST TIMETO GROW UP;

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THOSE YEARSWERE SET ASIDE FOR IT--

THERE WAS THIS RIDDLE

THAT DIAGRAMS THE TWOHEMISPHERES OF THE BRAINS.

AND HERE'S THAT RIDDLEI'VE BEEN YANKING YOU WITH:

WHAT WEIGHS MORE, A POUND OFFEATHERS OR A POUND OF STEEL?

THIS HEMISPHERE OF YOUR BRAIN,THE LOGICAL SIDE WILL GO

"WELL, OF COURSETHERE'S NO DIFFERENCE

BECAUSE A POUND IS A POUND."

THIS HEMISPHERE WOULD BEWHISPERING

"YEAH, BUT WE KNOWTHAT POUND OF STEEL

WEIGHS JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE."

WELCOME TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

IF YOUR LAST NAME IS SAMSONITE,WHAT DO YOU PUT ON YOUR LUGGAGE?

( laughter )

HARDLY WORTH THE WALK, HUH?

( laughter )

HOW COME BEAN BAG CHAIRSDON'T MAKE YOU FART?

( laughter )

THEY CLAP FOR THE PBS STUFF,DON'T THEY?

I'D KILL TO JOINTHE PEACE CORPS.

( laughter )

JUST LET ME SAY THIS--NO ANIMALS WERE HURT

IN THE CONSTRUCTIONOF THIS PERFORMANCE.

THANK YOU.

CIRCUMCISION WAS NOTA COVENANT WITH GOD.

CIRCUMCISION WAS INVENTED

TO STOP JEWISH WOMENFROM GOING "UGH!"

( laughter )

DIDN'T WORK.

T-SHIRT: "MY PARENTSWENT TO TURKEY

AND ALL THEY BROUGHT ME BACKWAS THIS LOUSY KILO OF HASH."

THEY HAVE KIDS.

EVERYONE HAS KIDS BUT ME.

YOU HAVE KIDS.

THIS WHOLE ROW IS KIDS ROW.

NOT YOU... WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,FIVE? FIVE OR SIX?

YOU KNOW, CHRISTO, THE GUYWHO DID THE UMBRELLAS?

I SHOULD HAVE HAD CHRISTOCOVER MY ADOLESCENCE.

IF I HAD MONEY, JUST TO WIPE OUTTHOSE MEMORIES BECAUSE I JUST...

GOOD NIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( laughter )

BUT MY SHRINK TOLD ME THAT I HADAN OUT-OF-FAMILY EXPERIENCE

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,AND I FEEL IT'S TRUE.

I CAN'T... HERE'STHE DEAL: HONESTY.

YOU HAVE TO BE HONESTWITH CHILDREN.

AND I HAD AN UNCLE AND LOOK,THIS HAIR, IT COULD BE...

I'M GOING TO LOSE IT ANYWAY.

AND I'M NOT KNOCKING TOUPEES,BUT MY UNCLE, MY UNCLE PHIL

HE HAD A TOUPEE,IT LOOKED LIKE--

REMEMBER DAVY CROCKETTAT THE ALAMO

WITH THE THINGTHAT FLIPPED OUT?

IT WAS SO OBVIOUS AND HE'D WALKIN AND WE KNEW IT WAS A TOUPEE.

I MEAN, HE KEPT THE TAG ON,FLYING SQUIRREL THING.

I MEAN, THE TOUPEEWAS ACTUALLY SEEN

TRYING TO HUMPSOME NEIGHBORHOOD DOGS.

IT WAS SAD.

HE GOT HIS TOUPEE NEUTERED.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIMEIN THE HISTORY OF HAIR.

I CAN'T RAISE A CHILD.

I MEAN, WE LIVEDIN THE SUFFERDOME

I THINK OUR HOUSE WAS.

WE USED TO OPEN THE WINDOWS UPAT DINNER

SO WE'D HAVE CROSS-HUMILIATIONFOR EVERYBODY.

FORGET CUB SCOUTS, I WASIN THE TRAGEDY SCOUTS.

I GET TO THE CORNER,I SEE AN ELDERLY WOMAN.

SHE SAYS, "CAN YOU HELP MEACROSS THE STREET?"

AND I GO-- THAT WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE THE WOMAN TALKING.

IT WAS MY VOICE.

I'M A FANTASTIC IMPRESSIONIST.

SO SHE SAID, "CAN YOUHELP ME ACROSS THE STREET?"

AND I SAID, WHEN I WAS 10

"I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU ACROSSTHE STREET, I KNOW YOU'RE 112

BUT I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMSMYSELF AND I'M SORRY."

THE TRAGEDY SCOUTS,LADIES AND GERMS.

OKAY, LET'S KEEP THE A LIST ROLLING

LADIES, DO YOU AGREE WITH ME?

AM I THE ONLY WOMAN IN THIS ROOMWHO THINKS JEFFREY DAHMER...

( laughter )

WELL-BUILT, NICE COMPLEXION.

I'M NOT SAYINGCANNIBALISM IS RIGHT

BUT YOU KNOW, MAYBE THERE ISSOMETHING TO EATING HUMAN FLESH

IF THIS MAN IS THIS ATTRACT...

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S RIGHT.

( laughter )

ALL I'M SAYING IS

THAT EVERY NIGHT MILLIONSOF PEOPLE GO TO BED HUNGRY

AND EVERY DAY WE BURYPERFECTLY GOOD CUTS OF MEAT.

( laughter )

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S RIGHT.

LOOK, DON'T THINK OF IT AS AFUNERAL, THINK OF IT AS A LUAU.

( laughter )

OH, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES.

LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THISROOM WHO EATS HUMAN FLESH.

WE ALL DO IT.

BUNCH OF VEGETARIANSHERE TONIGHT.

PROBABLY FROM THE GREEN PARTY.

ANY GREENS HERE TONIGHT?

MY SISTER JUST JOINEDTHE GREEN PARTY.

YOU KNOW WHERE THEYWERE FOUNDED? BERLIN.

REMEMBER THE LAST TIME GERMANYTRIED TO CLEAN THE PLANET?

( laughter )

OH, EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T MEANTO OFFEND THE STORM TROOPERS

IN THE AUDIENCE.

WE HAVE POLITICALLY CORRECTNAZIS TONIGHT.

"WELL, WE NO LONGER LIKETO BE REFERRED TO AS NAZIS.

FROM NOW ON WE'RETHE MORALLY IMPAIRED."

THE GREEN PARTY HAS SUCKEDALL THE JOY OUT OF LIFE

HAVEN'T THEY?

CAN'T EAT HUMAN FLESH, WHICHIS VERY LOW IN CHOLESTEROL.

CAN'T EAT TUNA,ALSO VERY LOW IN CHOLESTEROL.

WHY CAN'T I EAT TUNA?

BECAUSE THE TUNA NETSARE SCOOPING UP DOLPHINS

AND IT'S WRONG TO KILL DOLPHINS

BECAUSE DOLPHINSARE INTELLIGENT.

YEAH, IF THEY'RE SO INTELLIGENT,GET OUT OF THE NETS.

( laughter )

ALL I'M SAYING IS, WHAT'S THEPOINT OF HAVING A SPACE PROGRAM

IF WE CAN'T WRECKTHE PLANET EARTH?

( laughter )

AND I DIDN'T PICK THIS PLACE.

AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT

THAT PLANET EARTH CAN'TACCOMMODATE MY LIFESTYLE.

( laughter )

COFFEE TASTES BETTERIN A STYROFOAM CUP.

AND STYROFOAM IS BIODEGRADABLE.

YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST IMPATIENT.

( laughter )

LOOK, I LOVE ANIMALS, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY.

I MARCHED WITH BOB BARKER, OKAY?

I GIVE MY MONEY TO BETTY WHITE.

IN FACT, LAST MONTH MY WIFEAND I KICKED OUR CAT

OUT OF THE HOUSE.

WE HAD NO CHOICE,HE WAS WEARING FUR.

WHOM DO WE OWE THE MONEY TO?

OURSELVES.

SO LET IT SLIDE.

( laughter )

EVERYBODY OWES AMERICA MONEY.

WE'RE THE ONLY IDIOTSPAYING OURSELVES BACK.

( laughter )

I'LL TELL YOU HOW YOU PAY OFFTHE BUDGET DEFICIT.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

YOU DO WHAT BRAZIL DOES.

YOU PRINT MORE MONEY.

BUT NO, WE BELIEVE WHATOUR PARENTS ALWAYS SAY

"MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON TREES."

MONEY IS A PAPER PRODUCT.

( laughter )

IT REALLY GROWS ON TREES.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW WHY WE HAVEA BUDGET DEFICIT?

LOOK AT THIS DRUG WAR.

PRESIDENT BUSH MUST HAVE SPENT$7 BILLION THIS YEAR

TO FIGHT THE DRUG DEALERS INCOLOMBIA, THE MEDELLIN CARTEL.

$7 BILLION.

BUT THE MEDELLIN CARTELONLY EARNS $3 BILLION A YEAR.

( laughter )

SO WHY DON'T WE JUSTPAY THEM $4 BILLION A YEAR

NOT TO GROW THE COCAINE?

( laughter )

IT WORKS WITH THE FARMERSIN THIS COUNTRY.

( laughter )

WE HAVE A BUDGET DEFICIT

AND YET WE'RE GOING TO GIVE FOODAND MONEY TO THE RUSSIANS?

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

FOR 45 YEARS WE'VE SPENT$12 TRILLION TO BUILD WEAPONS

TO ANNIHILATE THESE PEOPLE.

SUDDENLY THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS?

I DON'T BUY THIS.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO IN THERERIGHT NOW

AND ATTACK THE SOVIET UNION--

TAKE THEM OVER, COLONIZETHEM, AND EAT THEM.

I DON'T TRUST THESE PEOPLE.

THEY'RE A GODLESS SELF-SERVINGDUPLICITOUS EVIL EMPIRE.

THEY LIE TO US.

THEY SAY THERE ARE LONG LINESFOR FOOD IN RUSSIA.

YEAH? HOW COME ALL THEIR WOMENLOOK LIKE ERNEST BORGNINE

AFTER A THREE-DAY BINGEAT THE SIZZLER?

THEY DON'T NEED FOOD, THEY NEEDDEXATRIM, THOSE FAT PIGS.

( laughter )

WILL WE GETA THANK-YOU NOTE?

NO, BECAUSE ANYTHING YOU GIVETHE RUSSIANS, THEY DESECRATE.

GOD GAVE THEM THE GREATESTLEADER OF THE 20th CENTURY--

MIKHAIL GORBACHEV-- AND THEYKICKED HIM OUT OF OFFICE.

THIS MAN WAS LIKEABRAHAM LINCOLN.

EXACTLY LIKE LINCOLN.

YOU KNOW, BOTH MEN PRESIDEDOVER DIVIDED UNIONS

AND WITH THE PORT-WINE STAINON HIS HEAD

HE LOOKED EXACTLYLIKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

ALL RIGHT,AFTER LINCOLN WAS SHOT

BUT THE POINT I'M MAKING IS...

I'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

( laughter )

I KNOW WHO DID IT.

IT WAS THE HUSBANDS OF ALLTHE WIVES HE SLEPT WITH.

AND ANY MAN WHO COMMITSADULTERY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED

TO BE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

THIS GOVERNOR CLINTONWITH THIS GENNIFER FLOWERS.

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINKHE IS, RUNNING FOR OFFICE?

ANY MAN WHO CANNOT MAINTAINHIS MARRIAGE VOWS

CANNOT UPHOLD HISCONSTITUTIONAL OATH

TO BE PRESIDENT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAYTHIS GOVERNOR CLINTON

BECAME PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES.

THEN TWO YEARS INTOHIS TERM WE FIND OUT

THAT HE'S ALSO BEENPRESIDENT OF PARAGUAY.

( laughter )

MY WIFE IS VOTINGFOR GOVERNOR CLINTON

BECAUSE HE REMINDS HEROF JACK KENNEDY.

YEAH, THEY HAVEA LOT IN COMMON.

BOTH THEIR BRAINS HAVE BEENMISSING FOR 30 YEARS.

ALL RIGHT,THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION.

I KNOW THE TRUTH.

THE C.I.A. IS GOINGTO KILL ME BECAUSE I--

THERE ARE STARTLING SIMILARITIES

BETWEEN THE DEATHOF ELVIS PRESLEY

AND THE DEATH OFPRESIDENT KENNEDY.

FOR EXAMPLE, ELVIS DIEDIN 1977, KENNEDY, 1963.

BOTH YEARS HAVEFOUR DIGITS IN THEM.

( laughter )

ELVIS'S LAST NAME-- PRESLEY.

KENNEDY WAS A "PRES"-IDENT.

( laughter )

WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THIS?

KENNEDY HAD A SECRETARYNAMED LINCOLN.

ELVIS' BUSINESS MANAGERWAS NAMED THE COLONEL.

THERE WERE COLONELS DURING THECIVIL WAR, A WAR RUN BY LINCOLN.

( laughter )

ELVIS DIED ON THE TOILET.

KENNEDY DIED IN DALLAS.

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