Nick Swardson: Seriously Who Farted?

  • 10/11/2009

Nick Swardson reveals the weirdest way to lose money in Las Vegas, details the best and worst parts of being drunk and imagines life as a ninja.

I'M EXCITEDFOR THE SUMMER.

I LIKE SUMMER MOVIES.I'M A BIG FAN.

I LIKE BIG, BLOCKBUSTER-Y--

I'M LIKE A NERD LIKE THAT.

LIKE, MOVIES LIKE TRANSFORMERS,I FUCKIN'...

[cheers and applause]LIKE, I LOVE THAT SHIT.

I LOVE THAT STUFF.

LIKE, I HATE IT WHEN--LIKE,SO MANY PEOPLE ARE JADED NOW.

DOES ANYBODY HEREHAVE JADED MOVIE FRIENDS,

WHERE, LIKE, THEY GOTO MOVIES--

LIKE, THEY CAN'T FUCKIN' LIKEANY MOVIE?

IT'S SO ANNOYING.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, I JUST SAW TRANSFORMERS. THAT WAS SICK."

"YEAH, I SAW IT, BRO.SUCKED."

"DUDE, IT WAS KIND OF COOL."

"NO, IT SUCKED."

"YEAH, BUT THAT ONE SCENE--"

"DUDE, SAW IT. SUCKED."

IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE SO JADED.

LIKE, IT STILL LOOKS COOL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IF YOU SHOWED THAT MOVIE50 YEARS AGO,

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "AAH!"

PBHT!THEIR BRAINS WOULD EXPLODE.

"AAH!"

EVERYBODYWOULD LOSE THEIR MINDS.

THEY'D BE OUT IN THE STREETS,JUST STABBING EACH OTHER.

IT WOULD BE CHAOS IF YOU SHOWED TRANSFORMERS IN, LIKE, 1950.

PEOPLE NOW ARE LIKE,"YEAH. BOO."

LIKE...

GOD, YOU CAN'T APPRECIATEANYTHING?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY,THOUGH, IF IN A MOVIE LIKE THAT,

IF JUST TO MESS WITH ALLTHE STONED PEOPLE

IN THE CROWD AT THE THEATER,

IF RIGHT BEFORETHE MOVIE STARTED,

LIKE TRANSFORMERS,THEY JUST PUT,

"BASED ON A TRUE STORY."

[laughter]

WHEN THE FUCKDID THAT HAPPEN?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?THAT HAPPENED?

[inhales deeply]WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S TERRIFYING.

YEAH, I ALWAYS THINKOF WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT.

I ALWAYS THINKIT WOULD BE FUNNY TOO,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS LIKE MOVIEPREVIEWS BEFORE THE MOVIE.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVETHE LITTLE TRAILERS.

I ALWAYS LIKE THOSE.

BUT I ALWAYS THINKIT WOULD BE FUNNY IF THEY SHOWED

A REALLY DRAMATIC TRAILER,REALLY SERIOUS, RIGHT?

AND THEY HAVEA TITLE AT THE END OF IT

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH THE TRAILER.

THIS, AGAIN,TO MESS WITH THE AUDIENCE.

SO REALLY DRAMATICMOVIE TRAILER,

TITLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

SO THEY COME ON LIKE,

"COMING THIS FALL,

"THE STORY OF A FAMILYBRUTALLY TORN APART.

"THE FATHER KILLEDIN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT.

"THE MOTHER FORCED TO RAISEEIGHT CHILDREN ON HER OWN.

"IN A CRUEL WORLD,ALL THEY HAVE IS EACH OTHER.

"COMING THIS FALL FROMTHE PRODUCERS OF PHILADELPHIA

"AND THE DIRECTOR OF CAST AWAY,

COMES BONER SOUP."

PEOPLE ARE LIKE...

"WHAT?

"THAT MOVIE'SCALLED BONER SOUP?

"ABOUT THE DAD WHO DIEDAND THE KIDS?

"WHAT THE FUCK IS BONER SOUP?

"BONER SOUP.

"I DIDN'T SEE A BONER OR SOUPIN THE WHOLE TRAILER.

"WHAT IS THAT?IS IT ONE THING?

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT."

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

AND THIS HAPPENED TO ME.THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'LL TELL A COUPLE TRUE STORIESHERE TONIGHT,

ALL OF 'EM 100% TRUE.

THIS HAPPENED TO ME--I THINK IT WAS IN THE FALL.

AND, UH, I PLAY A LOTOF ONLINE VIDEO GAMES

I DON'T KNOWIF ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS

LIKE XBOX LIVEOR ANYTHING?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, GIRLFRIENDSLOVE THOSE, BY THE WAY.

I LOVE GIRLFRIEND FIGHTS,WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING XBOX

AND YOU CAN ALWAYS HEARTHE GUY...

"WHAT'S UP?I'M GONNA PLAY ONE MORE GAME.

"YEAH, JUST--JUST GO TO BED.

"YEAH, YOU CAN GO TO BED.I DON'T HAVE TO...BE THERE...

"YEAH, NO, WE'RE WINNINGRIGHT NOW.

"WE'VE WON LIKE--

"IS THAT A REAL GUN?OKAY, PUT THAT DOWN.

PUT THAT DOWN, PUT THAT DOWN!THAT'S NOT FUNNY."

BUT LIKE YOU GET INTO IT.

I MEAN, YOU GO ONTHESE BATTLES AND [bleep].

AND I GET LIKEWAY TOO INTO IT

WHERE IT'S LIKE...IT'S JUST NOT HEALTHY.

WHERE LIKE I THROW STUFF ANDJUST SHOUT IN MY LITTLE HEADSET.

YOU GET THIS LITTLE HEADSET.

AND YOU CAN PLAY ONLINE,

SO YOU CAN PLAY WITH PEOPLEALL OVER THE WORLD.

WHICH IS COOL,BUT IT'S LIKE FRUSTRATING.

'CAUSE YOU'LL JUST GETTHE [bleep] KICKED OUT OF YOU

BY, LIKE, SOME NINE-YEAR-OLDKID IN GERMANY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,[German accent] "YOU LOSE!"

I'M LIKE,"REALLY? REALLY?

"YOU [bleep] NAZI!

I WILL [mumbles]!"

JUST FREAK OUT.

BUT SO I DO.LIKE, I BREAK STUFF.

I GET SO INTO IT.

SO I LIVE IN AN UPSTAIRSAPARTMENT, IN LIKE A DUPLEX.

NOBODY LIVES BENEATH ME.

SO IT WAS EMPTYFOR THE LONGEST TIME.

SO I WOULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES,NO JOKE,

FROM LIKE 9:00,10:00 AT NIGHT

TO LIKE 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'D PLAY ALL NIGHT.

SO NOBODY LIVED BENEATH ME,AND SO IT WAS COOL.

SO ONE DAY,THIS GIRL MOVES IN.

♪ CHRISTINA IS HER NAME.

CUTE GIRL, SMALL,LIKE MOUSY.

LITTLE MOUSY CHICK.BUT VERY SWEET.

SO SHE MOVES IN.

I JUST KEEP DOINGWHAT I'M DOING,

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES,BREAKING STUFF,

DRUNK, ME AND MY FRIENDSYELLING.

SO ONE DAY, I GOTO MY MAILBOX TO GET MY MAIL

AND I SEE HER,AND SHE SEES ME.

I WALK OUT,AND SHE'S LIKE...

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT'S GOING ON, CHRISTINA?

HOW ARE YA?"

AND SHE'S LIKE...

"FINE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND SHE GOES..."WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?"

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

AND SHE GOES, "ALL THE YELLINGAND THE BREAKING THINGS...

JUST ALL NIGHT, SCREAMING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

I'M LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY!"

I'M LIKE, "ME AND MY FRIENDSPLAY ONLINE VIDEO GAMES."

AND SHE GOES, "WHAT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, WE PLAY,LIKE, HALO AND STUFF,"

AND SHE'S LIKE...[exhales] "OH, THANK GOD."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY?"

SWEAR TO GOD, SHE GOES,

"OH, THANK GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE SHOOTINGHARD-CORE GAY PORNO."

[laughter, applause]

TRUE STORY.

[laughs]

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU COME HOME DRUNKAT LIKE 10:00 AT NIGHT.

"YOU AND YOUR FRIENDSGO UPSTAIRS,

"AND THEN TEN MINUTES LATERI'D HEAR,

'[bleep] MY [bleep] [bleep],BITCH!

'YEAH, [bleep] MY [bleep]![bleep] IT, [bleep]!

'YEAH, SUCK IT!

YEAH, TAKE THAT, BITCH,TAKE THAT, SUCK IT--'"

IT'S LIKE...

OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.

THAT MADE ME LAUGH.

BUT THEN IT ALSO MADE ME REALIZE

THAT I COULD NOW SHOOTHARD-CORE GAY PORNO AT MY HOUSE

IF I WANTED TO.

JUST TO LIKE MESS WITH HER,

ME AND MY FRIENDS WALK OUTSIDENAKED WITH BONERS.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?""WE'RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?YOU'RE BEING A BAD NEIGHBOR.

IT GETS HOT.IT'S EXCITING."

[falsetto]"I'M SORRY."

[whispers]WHERE'S KELLY?

WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND HER.

I'M SINGLE, WHICH IS GREAT.LIKE BEING SINGLE.

[women cheering]

YOOOW!

GIRLS LIKE TALL GUYS,WHICH IS FRUSTRATING.

YEAH, YOU NEVER HEARA GIRL LIKE,

"I MET THIS GUY.HE'S SO HOT.

[whispers]HE'S SO SHORT!"

YOU CAN BARELY SEE HIM.[mouths words]

HE SLEEPS IN MY PURSE.

I POUR SHOTS IN MY PURSE.

EVERYONE THINKS I'M GAY,WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE.

YEAH, OF COURSE!

I PLAYED A GAYROLLER-SKATING PROSTITUTE ON TV.

[cheers and applause]

FOR SIX YEARS!

HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?

WELL...

[singsong]TIM!

BEEEOO!

BEEEOOOH!

BUT THE OTHER REASONPEOPLE THINK I'M GAY

IS 'CAUSE ON MY MYSPACEPROFILE...

UNDER SEXUAL ORIENTATION...

I PUT "NOT SURE."

YEAH. YEAH.

NOT 'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE.

I JUST LOVETHAT THAT WAS AN OPTION.

FOR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.THAT'S AN OPTION--NOT SURE.

THEY HAVE STRAIGHT, GAY,

BI-SEXUAL,

NO [bleep] IDEA, DUDE.

NO IDEA.

LIKE WHO IS THAT FOR?YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

LIKE NOT EVEN CLOSE.

LIKE NOT--I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.

LIKE, WHO IS THAT FOR?

ARE THERE PEOPLE OUT THERELIKE,

"DUDE, I JUST [bleep]LOOKING AT MY STOVE!"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA.I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'M GONNA PUT NOT SURE.

THAT IS A MYSTERY RIGHT THERE,WHATEVER'S...

WHATEVER THAT WANTS...

[falsetto]DO NOT KNOW.

NO CLUE!

IT'S WEIRD BEING A COMEDIAN.

LIKE, IT'S A WEIRD...JOB TO HAVE.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT, LIKE, WHATI WANTED TO BE WHEN I WAS A KID.

'CAUSE I NEVER WANTED TO BE--DO STAND UP.

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WHAT I DID WANT TO BEWHEN I WAS A KID--

I REMEMBER.I WANTED TO BE A NINJA.

[cheers and applause]

COME ON, NOW.RIGHT?

THAT WAS THE FIRST THINGI REMEMBER BEING LIKE,

[high-pitched voice]"I'M GONNA DO THIS."

[normal voice] AND YOU'RE, LIKE,SO PASSIONATE WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

[high-pitched voice]I'M GONNA DO IT.

[normal voice] DUDE, I WANTTO BE A NINJA SO BAD.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A COOL WORLD,

IF WE ALL BECAMETHE VERY FIRST THING--

THE VERY FIRST THINGYOU COMMIT TO, THAT'S IT.

YOU HAVE TO BE THAT.YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

IT'D BE FUCKIN' CRAZY.

THERE'D JUST BE NINJASRUNNING AROUND,

PRINCESSES.

[chuckles] QUARTERBACKSTHROWING BALLS TO PIRATES.

RRARR!

IT'D JUST BE CRAZY.

BUT I WAS, LIKE, SO COMMITTED TOBEING A NINJA WHEN I WAS A KID.

AND YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

REMEMBER THAT, WHEN YOU WERE AKID, YOU PUT ON YOUR SWEATPANTS.

[laughter]

MAKE LITTLE WEAPONSAROUND THE HOUSE.

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW KARATE,JUST FUCKIN'...

[laughter]

JUST FIGHT THE CAT.

[imitating cat screeching]

BUT, LIKE, YOU GROW UP,AND YOU GROW OUT OF IT.

AND, LIKE, WHEN THE ADULTS--

LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE A KID,ALL THE ADULTS LIE TO YOU.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"WHEN YOU GET OLDER,

"YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

"WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE,

"GO BE IT...

YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE."

NO, BUT YOU CAN'T.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T BE A NINJA,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN'T.GO TRY IT.

BE A NINJA, ALL RIGHT?QUIT YOUR JOB.

MONDAY GETA BLACK SUIT, A MASK, SWORD.

JUST WALK AROUND DURING THE DAYJUST KICKING PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

WAAH-PSHH!

"AH, FUCK!WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

"I'M A NINJA.THAT'S MY JOB."

[laughter]

AND YOU JUST GO AND HIDEIN THE SHADOWS.

[cheers and applause]

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

BUT, UH, YEAH, LIKE,WHAT I WANT--

I WANT TO SHOW UPAT MY HIGH-SCHOOL REUNION

AS A NINJA, THOUGH,AND FREAK EVERYBODY OUT,

JUST THROW EVERYONE OFF.

YOU JUST SHOW UP.

GUYS ARE LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, NICK?

"IT'S ME, BOB.

"I'M A REAL-ESTATE AGENT NOW,AND JIM'S A LAWYER.

HE'S GOT HIS OWN FIRM.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'M A NINJA.

I LIVE IN THE SHADOWS."

THEY'RE LIKE,"OKAY, IS HE SERIOUS?"

[laughter]

AND THEN YOU CAN, LIKE,

GET BACK AT ALL THE GUYSWHO YOU HATED.

YOU KNOW, THEY'D BE LIKE, "HEY,HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN NICK?"

[blows]

"UGH."

BFFT!

YEAH, NO, IT'S A PLEASURETO BE HERE, MAN.

IT'S A GOOD TOWN.

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHERE I WAS GONNA DO MY SPECIAL.

AND I WANTED TO PICKA KICK-ASS PARTY TOWN!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, I LIKE TO PARTY,LIKE TO DRINK.

I LOVE--I LOVE DRINKING.

IT'S REALLYMY FAVORITE THING.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S VERY ENJOYABLE.

HEH.

I LIKE--I LIKE DRINKING,

'CAUSE, LIKE,NOTHING BOTHERS ME.

LIKE, I DON'T CARE...

I CAN'T BE FAZED.

IF I'M SOBERAND SOMEONE'S LIKE,

"DUDE, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE,"

I'M LIKE,"FUCK! WHO DID IT?"

IF I'M DRUNK, LIKE,"DUDE, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE,"

I'M LIKE,"GOOD, FUCK MY CAR, BRO.

MY CAR'S A DICK."

I HATE MY CAR.

I ALSO LIKE DRINKING

'CAUSE IT MAKES FAST FOODTASTE AMAZING ALL OF A SUDDEN.

[cheers and applause]

LIKE LITERALLY AMAZING.

IT'S LIKE NOT EVEN A JOKE.IT'S A FACT.

LIKE, YOU HAVEFAST FOOD SOBER,

I'LL GO TO, LIKE,TACO BELL.

AND I'LL BE LIKE,"WHAT IS THIS?"

SOBER, I'M LIKE,"I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT."

WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE,BLACKOUT DRUNK,

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT IS THIS?

"WHAT MAGIC TREATHAS ENTERED MY HAND?

"ARE WE IN NARNIA?

"OH, MY LORD.

"WHAT FIVE-STAR CHEFDO THEY HAVE BACK THERE?

THIS IS THE FOOD OF GODS."

[snickers]

I USED TO WORK AT TACO BELL,WHICH IS TRUE.

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S GREATWORKING THERE,

'CAUSE YOU GET FREE...

DIARRHEA.

YEAH.

YOU DO NOTHAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

[laughs]

IT'S QUITE A PERK.

I GOT ALCOHOL POISONING.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S, UH,IT'S ACTUALLY NOT GREAT.

IT'S NOT APPLAUD WORTHY.

ALCOHOL POISONINGIS NOT FUN.

I DON'T RECOMMEND IT.BUT IT HAPPENS.

AND, UH,IT WAS JUST SO FUNNY,

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE,YOU CAN DIE THAT WAY.

WHICH IS LIKESUCH A WEIRD WAY TO DIE.

IT'S SO STUPID.

BUT IT'S, LIKE,FUNNY TO ME,

LIKE, JUST TRYINGTO EXPLAIN THAT TO SOMEBODY,

LIKE DYING THAT WAY.

LIKE, "DUDE, DID YOU HEARABOUT NICK?"

"NO, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"HE DIED."

"WHAT? HOW?"

"HE WAS POISONED."

"WHAT? WHO DID IT?"

"NICK."

"OH, MY GOD.WITH WHAT?"

"SEA BREEZES."

[whimpering]

[high-pitched] SEA BREEZE?

[cheers and applause]

LOOK AT THAT.LOOK AT THAT REACTION.

I ALWAYS GET DRAGGEDTO THAT STUFF.

"IT'S AN '80s PARTY.

'80s, OH, MY GOD."

LOVE IT.

I COULD BE LIKE,

"OSAMA BIN LADEN'SHAVING A PARTY."

"WHAT?"

"LET'S GO, OSAMA BIN LADEN."

"THE TERRORIST?

NOT GOING TO THAT.THE GUY'S AN ASSHOLE."

"BUT IT'S, LIKE,AN '80s PARTY."

"WHAT TIME IS IT?

I'LL GO FOR A HALF HOUR.I DON'T EVEN CARE."

I ALWAYS THINKI DRINK A LOT,

AND THEN I'LL SEE, LIKE, BEHIND THE MUSIC

OF, LIKE, MOTLEY CRUE.

HEH, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THEN YOU JUST REALIZEYOU'RE A HUGE PUSSY.

[laughing]IT'LL BE LIKE,

"BEHIND THE MUSICOF MOTLEY CRUE."

I'LL COME HOME, I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, I JUST HAD,LIKE, 20 BEERS."

THEY'RE LIKE, "NIKKI SIXXDRANK HEROIN FROM A FIRE HOSE."

OKAY.

I'M A HUGE PUSSY.

BUT MY FAVORITE THINGWAS, UH,

[cheers and applause]

THAT'S MY GRANDMOTHER.MY GRANDMOTHER'S VOICE.

DEDICATING THIS SPECIALTO HER.

SHE IS...

SHE IS NO LONGER WITH US.

BUT, YEAH,SHE HAD A GOOD LIFE.

I LIKE OLD PEOPLE, THOUGH.

THEY'RE AWESOME.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OLD.

A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T WANT TO GET OLD,

BUT IT'S LIKE--

LIKE, I REALIZE THE MOREI HANG OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE

THE MORE I'M JUST LIKE--

THEY CAN DO ANYTHING.

THEY CAN GET AWAYWITH ANYTHING.

LIKE, LITERALLY,JUST PRETEND YOU'RE CRAZY.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.

JUST PRETEND LIKE,"WHAT? I DON'T KNOW."

IT'S INSANE.CAN'T WAIT.

CAN'T WAIT TO BE A GRANDFATHERAND IT'S SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY.

MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

I'M GONNA CRAP IN A BOX.JUST WRAP IT UP.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

EVERYONE'S LIKE,"OH, WHAT IS IT?"

OPEN IT UP.

"OH, MY GOD.THANK YOU--

"OH, MY GOD! IT'S POOP!

GRANDPA GAVE ME POOP!"

AND THEN JUST BE LIKE,"WHAT?

I THOUGHTIT WAS A TRAIN SET."

AND EVERYONE'S LIKE,"OH, SAD.

THAT'S SO SAD.HE'S SO CRAZY."

AND THEN YOU JUST GOINTO THE BATHROOM AND LAUGH.

YOU JUST GAVE SOMEBODY POOPAND GOT AWAY WITH IT.

IT'S BEEN A GREAT LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT WHENEVER I'D GO OUTTO EAT WITH MY GRANDMA,

WHENEVERWE'D GO OUT TO EAT,

SHE ALWAYS COMPLAINEDABOUT HER FOOD.

ALWAYS.

WE'D GO TO A RESTAURANT,

SHE'D BE LIKE,"I DON'T LIKE THIS."

THE WAITER'D BE LIKE,"WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?"

"I DON'T LIKE IT."

"WELL,WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?"

"I DON'T LIKE IT."

I WANT TO DO STUFF LIKE THAT,BUT MESS WITH THE WAITER.

I'LL BE LIKE,"I DON'T LIKE THIS."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?"

"I DON'T LIKE IT."

"ALL RIGHT, WELL,WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT?"

"IT TASTES LIKE WOLF PUSSY."

"WHA--EXCUSE ME?"

"IT TASTES LIKE WOLF PUSSY!"

GUY'S LIKE,"ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I'M SORRY."

THEN HE, LIKE,HAS TO GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN

AND BE LIKE,"YEAH, THIS OLD MAN

"SAID THIS TASTESLIKE WOLF PUSSY.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAWHAT THAT MEANS?

"HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT?

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT?

CAN I GO ON BREAK?WHAT THE FUCK?"

IS ANYBODY HERE STONED?IS ANYBODY HIGH?

[whooping]

HA. ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK [BLEEP] CRAZY HIGH!

HOLY [BLEEP].CAN YOU SEE ME?

THIS DUDE'S LIKE...

[mouthing words]

I LIKE POT BROWNIES.POT BROWNIES ARE FUN.

[whooping]

EVERYBODY LOVES POT BROWNIES.

BUT I BRING CRYSTAL METHCUPCAKES TO A PARTY...

SUDDENLY I'M THE WEIRDO.

IT'S A DOUBLE STANDARD.

I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIPSIN MY ACT,

BUT HERE'S ONE OF 'EM.

SOMEBODY HANDS YOUA POT BROWNIE...

KNOW HOW STRONG IT ISBEFORE YOU EAT IT.

JUST A LITTLE TIP.OKAY?

PEOPLE CLAPPING KNOW.

SOMEBODY HANDS YOU ONE,JUST EAT HALF OF IT.

THEN WAIT LIKE A HALF HOUR.

OKAY, JUST SEEHOW STRONG IT IS.

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT INSTANT.A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE...

"YEAH, NOTHING HAP--NOTHING'S HAPPENING.

"NOT WORKING.

"IT'S NOT WORKING.

I'M LITERALLY STILL FINE."

THEN A HALF HOUR LATER,THEY'RE LIKE...

[shuddering exhale]

THERE'S NOTHING WORSETHAN BEING VIOLENTLY TOO HIGH

WHERE IT'S HORRIFYING.

LIKE YOU KNOW THAT FEELINGWHEN YOU GET WAY TOO HIGH

AND YOU HAVE LIKETHAT INNER MONOLOGUE

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,"JUST BREATHE, MAN.

[blowing]

"JUST BREATHE.

"YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

"EVERYTHING'SGONNA BE OKAY, MAN.

"NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE TOO HIGH.[blowing]

"JUST BREATHE.

"ALL RIGHT,SMILE AT EVERYBODY.

"OKAY, THAT WAS THE WORSTTHING YOU COULD HAVE EVER DONE.

THEY JUST CALLED THE POLICE."

[cheers and applause]

[high-pitched] YEAH!

SO--SO GREAT.

SO MUCH ENJOYMENTFROM DRUNK CHICKS.

AND I LIKETHE COCKY DRUNK CHICKS.

THE ONES THAT BE LIKE,FUCKIN' DRINK.

"I WANNA GET DRUNK."

LIKE THEY'LLGET IN YOUR FACE.

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"I CAN DRINKAS MUCH AS YOU CAN."

I'M LIKE, "REALLY?'CAUSE NO YOU FUCKIN' CAN'T.

"UH...[chuckles]

"YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLETO DO THAT.

YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC."

AND THEN THEY'LL BE LIKE,"OH, YEAH, I CAN, PUSSY.

"LET'S DO A SHOT.

"LET'S DO A SHOT.

"LET'S DO A SHOT.

LET'S DO FIVE."

'CAUSE, LIKE, GIRLS CANDRINK HARD FOR LIKE AN HOUR,

MAYBE TWO HOURS.

BUT ALWAYS COMES THE SPIRAL.

WHICH IS AWESOME.

LOVE THE DRUNK CHICK SPIRAL.

THEY GET COCKY, DO LIKETEN JAGER BOMBS,

THEN...[imitates vomiting]

[whimpering]

[imitates vomiting]

[laughter and applause]

[imitates vomiting]

[whimpering]

"I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE!

"IT'S NOT FUNNY.

"WHERE'S KELLY?

HAVE YOU SEEN KELLY?"

THEY'RE ALWAYSLOSING FRIENDS.

"SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOMTEN MINUTES AGO.

I THINK SHE'S DEAD."

[whimpers]

[imitates retching]

[whimpers]"I BLEW YOUR DAD."

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WAIT, WHATWAS THAT LAST PART?

"I'M SORRY."

[chuckles]

"IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY."

MY FAVORITE THING WAS--

LAST SUMMER,I GOT THE BEST PARTY TEXT

I'VE EVER GOTTEN,FROM A FRIEND OF MINE.

I SAW--I RAN INTOONE OF MY FRIENDS,

JAYMO, AT A BAR,

LAST FOURTH OF JULY.

AND HE WAS LIKE--YOU KNOWWHEN YOU RUN INTO A BUDDY

WHEN YOU'RE BAR HOPPING,YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHAT'S UP, BLAH BLAH BLAH.I'M WASTED."

AND YOU JUST LIKE,"I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BYE."

AND THEN YOU JUST GO.

[laughing]SO THAT HAPPENED.

AND I CALLED HIM THE NEXT DAY,OR I TEXTED HIM,

I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW DIDYOUR NIGHT END UP?"

AND THIS WAS HIS EXACT TEXT,MY FAVORITE THING EVER.

HOW DID YOUR NIGHT END UP?AND HE TEXTED ME BACK:

"DUDE," DOT DOT DOT.

THAT'S A GOOD START,YOU KNOW.

"DUDE...PUNCHEDMY BEST FRIEND IN THE FACE,

BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND,AND SHIT MY PANTS."

YES!

[cheers and applause]

THAT IS A GOLD MEDALRIGHT THERE OF PARTYING.

WHEN YOU GOTO THE PARTY OLYMPICS,

YOU JUST BROUGHT HOMETHE GOLD.

AND THE BEST PARTIS RIGHT AFTER THAT,

HE WROTE,

"I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONETO TAKE CARE OF FIRST."

WHICH IS TRUE, MAN.

YOU GOT A DILEMMARIGHT THERE.

WHICH SITUATIONDO YOU REPAIR?

I SAY GIRLFRIEND.

ADDRESS THAT.

JUST SO YOU CAN SEETHE LOOK ON HER FACE

WHEN SHE'S LIKE,"IS THAT SHIT?"

AND YOU CAN BE LIKE,"I MADE IT FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T APPRECIATEANYTHING."

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