CC Presents: Eliot Chang

  • Season 14, Ep 19
  • 01/11/2010

DOESN'T LIKE IT

WHEN I HANG OUTWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

WHOA-HO!

SHE'S REALLY WORRIEDI'M GONNA HAVE SEX

WITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND TWICELAST NIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I DO MY BEST TO NOT CHEATON BOTH MY GIRLFRIENDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVER CHEAT SO MUCH YOU FORGETWHO YOU'RE CHEATING ON?

YOU'LL BE HANGING OUTWITH YOUR GIRL IN HER HOUSE,

AND YOU'LL SAY THINGS LIKE,

"HEY, YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF HEREBEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND GETS HOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT?""OH, I MEAN I LOVE YOU."

"WHAT?"

"UH..."[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S RIGHT.ALL CHEATERS CARRY SMOKE BOMBS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY COME IN HANDY ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, "WHERE WERE YOU?"[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

SHE GOES FROM BEING ANGRYTO BEING AMAZED.

LIKE, "WOW, MY BOYFRIEND'SA WIZARD.

HE MADEMY QUESTIONS DISAPPEAR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO CHEAT A LOT,

BUT NOW I DO NOT CHEATANY MORE THAN I USED TO.

IT'S THE SAME AMOUNT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JUST KIDDING.I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I WONDER WHY.ALL RIGHT, SO...

I CANNOT STAND DUMB GIRLS.

I CANNOT STAND DUMB GIRLS.

I'VE WALKED AWAYIN MID-CONVERSATION,

AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUTTHEY'RE DUMB.

LIKE, "HI, MY NAME'S ELIOT.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"MY N--""OH [BLEEP] FORGET IT.

JESUS CHRIST.OH, MY GOD."

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S LIKE, "HERE'S A BOOK.

READ THIS AND CALL MEIN FIVE DAYS, ALL RIGHT?"

AND I PROBABLY PISSED OFF HALFTHE WOMEN IN THE ROOM RIGHT NOW.

THEY'LL BE WAITING FOR MEAFTER THE SHOW.

"HELLO, FUNNYMAN.

TELL ME SOME JOKES NOW,FUNNYMAN!"

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST, LIKE, THROW A COPYOF COSMO GIRL! ON THE FLOOR

AND WALK AWAY.

IT'S LIKE, "GET HIM!""OH, COSMO GIRL!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"I LOVE COSMO GIRL!"

"'GOSSIP GIRL'IS THE BEST SHOW ON TV!"

AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

[ Nasally ] "WHY ARE YOU PICKINGON US -- PICKING ON US?"

[ Normal voice ]YOU KNOW THERE'S A MALE VERSIONTO THAT VOICE, RIGHT?

EVERY MALE DOUCHE BAG HAS THATSAME [BLEEP] DOUCHE-BAG VOICE,

[ Deep voice ] LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, BRO?!

"WHAT'S UP, BRO?!HIGH FIVE, BRO! HIGH FIVE, BRO!

"YEAH! BRODY, KYLE, TYLER,SPENCER, CODY!

"YEAH!

"[BLEEP] BRO, WHAT'S UP?

"YEAH [BLEEP] BEER!

"AND DRINKIN' AND BEER!

"AND FRATERNITIES AND BEER!

"AND LACROSSE AND BEER!

"AND ABERCROMBIE & FITCHAND BEER!

AND REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALITYAND BEER! YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"COME ON, BRO, LET'S MAKE OUT.

I MEAN HIGH FIVE.HIGH FIVE, BRO. HIGH FIVE."

WITH ME, JUST TELL ME.

THAT'S COOL.I'LL STILL HANG OUT.

I WILL STILL HANG OUT,'CAUSE THIS IS MY DEAL.

I ONLY HANG OUT WITH GIRLS

WHO I ACTUALLY ENJOYTHEIR COMPANY

AND I WANT TO [BLEEP]

BUT I DO NOT HANG OUTWITH A HOT GIRL

IF SHE'S A DESPICABLEHUMAN BEING,

'CAUSE THERE'S ENOUGH COOL,INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

OUT THERE, YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE ARE ENOUGH GREAT WOMENTO GO AROUND,

SO, GUYS, YOU DON'T NEEDTO DO THAT.

SO, LADIES, IF YOU DON'T WANTTO HAVE SEX,

JUST TELL ME,"WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEX."

COOL. YOU KNOW, JUST PAYFOR YOUR MEAL. ALL RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT?

WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO FEED YOU

SO YOU CAN GET ENERGYTO [BLEEP] SOME OTHER GUY?

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?WHO AM I, CAPTAIN FEED A HO?

ARE YOU HIGH?

I'M GONNA REINVEST THAT MONEYINTO A PROMISING RETURN,

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANTTO HAVE SEX,

JUST TELL ME,"WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEX."

FINE, BUT I HATE ITWHEN A GIRL

TRIES TO OFFER MEA LAME CONSOLATION PRIZE,

'CAUSE GIRLSWILL SAY THINGS LIKE,

"OH, WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEX,

BUT I'LL GIVE YOUA [BLEEP] JOB."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE HANDS!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY HAVE THE JOB.THE POSITION IS FILLED.

I DON'T NEED TO OUTSOURCETHE WORK, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU'VE GOTA VAGINA JOB FOR ME,

WE CAN TALK,'CAUSE I AM HIRING.

I'M LIKE McDONALD'S.I AM ALWAYS HIRING.

HIDE BEHIND TECHNOLOGY.

TECHNOLOGY'S SUPPOSEDTO HELP US.

IT SEPARATES US AS HUMAN BEINGS.

NO ONE TALKS ANYMORE.THEY TEXT.

NO ONE SENDS A LETTER ANYMORE.THEY E-MAIL.

LIKE, I HATE WHEN I MEET A GIRL,I'M TRYING TO GET TO KNOW HER,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH,YOU CAN JUST FACEBOOK ME."

"BITCH, MY FACE IS HERERIGHT NOW!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I HATE ANYONE WHO UPDATESTHEIR FACEBOOK STATUS

EVERY 30 [BLEEP] MINUTES.

I HATE YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU.

"LOOK HOW AMAZING MY LIFE IS!"

NO, IT'S NOT, 'CAUSE YOU'REUPDATING EVERY 30 MINUTES!

YOU'RE NOT DOING [BLEEP]

ALL RIGHT, REAL PEOPLEWITH REAL AMAZING CAREERS,

LIKE ASTRONAUTS OR GUYS WORKINGON A CURE FOR CANCER --

LIKE, THEY DON'T UPDATETHEIR STATUS,

'CAUSE THEY'RE DOINGREAL [BLEEP]

BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVESTO UPDATE THEIR STATUS?

YOU KNOW WHO LOVES FACEBOOK?

PRETTY WOMEN,BECAUSE FOR PRETTY WOMEN

WHO DON'T HAVE AMAZING CAREERSOR ANY REAL TALENT IN ANYTHING,

FACEBOOK IS THEIR RED CARPET.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S WHY THEY ALWAYS HAVE20 PHOTO ALBUMS

WITH 20 PICTURES OF PAGESIN EACH ALBUM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS POSINGFOR PAPARAZZI THAT AREN'T THERE.

"HEY!"[ IMITATES CAMERA CLICKING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE DON'T NEED 400 PICTURESOF YOU FROM THE SAME NIGHT!

NOTHING HAS CHANGEDFROM 8:15 TO 8:30.

IT'S THE SAME DRESS, SAME HAIR,SAME STUPID FACE.

UNLESS YOU'RE A [BLEEP]TRANSFORMER, CUT THE [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ IMITATES MECHANICAL WHIRRING ]

"WOW, SHE TURNEDINTO A BLACK GUY.

I'M GLAD I TOOK A PICTURE.NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME."

AND, LADIES, DON'T YOU REALIZEHOW DANGEROUS IT IS

TO ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE WHATYOU'RE DOING AT ALL TIMES,

'CAUSE IF SOMEONE WANTEDTO STALK YOU,

YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY EASYFOR THEM TO DO IT.

IN FACT, GUYS, IF YOU KNOWA GIRL LIKE THIS,

TEACH HER A LESSON.

EVERY TIMESHE UPDATES HER STATUS,

YOU UPDATE YOUR STATUSWITH THE SAME [BLEEP]

SERIOUSLY.

"HEY, GUYS, I'M GETTING COFFEEAT STARBUCKS."

"HEY, EVERYONE,I JUST WALKED INTO STARBUCKS."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

"HEY, I'M GETTING LINGERIEAT VICTORIA'S SECRET."

"I'M IN THE FITTING ROOMAT VICTORIA'S SECRET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I JUST GOT HOME,GONNA TAKE A SHOWER."

"ABOUT TO USE MY NEW BINOCULARS.ALL RIGHT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

I'M -- I'M GLAD SOMEONESTARTED THAT [BLEEP]

AND LET ME JUST SAY THIS.

DURING SEX, I LIKE TO MAKEA LOT OF NOISE, RIGHT?

I DON'T MAKE SOUNDS.I MAKE NOISE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.I'M NOT LIKE, "UHH, UHH."

I'M LIKE, "AAAAHHH!FREAKING 'A,' YEAH!

THIS IS GOOD!"

I SAY CRAZY [BLEEP]"THIS IS SPARTA!"

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

'CAUSE I'M NOT AFRAIDTO EXPRESS MY LOVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, LUCKILY,MOST OF MY GIRLFRIENDS

ALSO MADE A LOT OF NOISE,

WHICH WAS GOOD, 'CAUSE YOU NEVERWANT THAT CONTRAST.

GUYS, YOU NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE,"AAAHHH!"

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"MM-HMM.

GOOD JOB. KUDOS."

YOU WANT TO BE IN SYNC,

WHERE IT'S LIKE, "UHHH!" "AHHH!""UHHH!" "AHHH!"

YOU'RE HIGH-FIVING, LIKE,"YEAH! YOU AND ME.

"THERE IS NO 'I' IN 'TEAM,'MOTHER[BLEEP] YEAH!

WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS."

ALL RIGHT.[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, HERE'S MY DILEMMA.

I LIVE IN THE CENTEROF MY FLOOR,

IN THE CENTER OF MY BUILDING,

AND I HAVE NEIGHBORS ON ALL --

SO I'M SURROUNDED,

AND THEY HAVE TO HEAR US.

THERE IS NO WAYTHEY DON'T HEAR US.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOWTHEY HEAR US?

'CAUSE WHEN I BUMP INTO THEMIN THE HALLWAY,

THEY TRY TO ACTLIKE THEY DIDN'T HEAR US.

LIKE, "OH, NO,I DIDN'T YOU HEAR YOU

"STICK IT IN HER [BLEEP]NO.

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU DIDAT 2:45 A.M...TWICE.

I CLEARLY DON'T KNOW."

I JUST LOOK AT THEM LIKE,"SORRY,"

'CAUSE -- 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD.

I DO.

LIKE, I FEEL BAD THAT MY LIFEINTRUDES ON OTHER PEOPLE,

'CAUSE I MIGHT BE A FREAK,

BUT I'M A CONSIDERATE FREAK.

I AM.

IF I CHECK INTO A HOTELWITH A GIRL,

I ALWAYS TRY TO GET THE ROOMON THE BOTTOM FLOOR,

JUST SO NO ONE BENEATH ME

HAS TO HEAR THE SOUNDS OF[ IMITATES SQUEAKING ]

ALL RIGHT, SO --

SO, I'M THINKING, LIKE,WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S --

THERE'S NO WAYI'M NOT GONNA MAKE NOISE,

AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEXAT THE SAME TIME,

'CAUSE WE'LL HAVETO FILL OUT TIME SHEETS

AND CHECK BOXES, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

SO I'M THINKING, LIKE,WELL, IF I'M GONNA MAKE NOISE,

MAYBE I CAN MAKE NOISETHAT'S CONSTRUCTIVE.

MAYBE I COULD MAKE NOISETHEY COULD BENEFIT FROM,

SO THE NEXT TIME I'M HAVING SEX,

I'M LIKE, "UHHH,TOMORROW'S FORECAST --

"MOSTLY SUNNY,

"60% CHANCE OF RAIN!

BRING AN UMBRELLA!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO THE NEXT TIME I SEETHE NEIGHBOR IN THE HALLWAY,

SHE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA,

I'M LIKE,"HA HA! YOU'RE WELCOME!"

HEY, GUYS,MY NAME IS ELIOT CHANG.

I'M SORRY.I LOVE WOMEN. I LOVE WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE PARTOF A WOMAN'S BODY IS?

HER ASS. HER ASS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND GUYS KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GUYS, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WALKINGAROUND THE CITY,

AND FROM BEHIND YOU SEEA REALLY HOT GIRL'S ASS?

IT'S REALLY HOT. LIKE, YOU WANTTO HIGH-FIVE THAT [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WANT TO WRITE A BLOGABOUT IT.

LIKE, "EVERYONE, YOU'LL NEVERBELIEVE WHAT I SAW TODAY.

HERE'S A PICTURE FROM MY PHONE.OH, MY GOD."

AND YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW WHENA GIRL'S ASS IS REALLY HOT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S MY LITMUS TEST?

WHEN I LOSE CONTROL OVERTHE VOLUME OF MY INNER VOICE...

'CAUSE I SEE THE ASS,AND I'M LIKE, "NICE! OH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I MEANT TO THINK THAT."

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND, LADIES, WHAT YOU DON'T KNOWIS IF YOUR ASS IS REALLY NICE,

WE'LL FOLLOW IT.

AND, LADIES,YOU KNOW WHY WE FOLLOW IT?

WE JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT YOULOOK LIKE WHEN YOU TURN AROUND,

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE HOT HEREAND YOU'RE HOT HERE,

IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER MEET HER.I'M JUST HAPPY SHE EXISTS.

SHE MAKES THE WORLDA BETTER PLACE.

I JUST WANT TO WALK UP TO HER

AND BE LIKE, "THANK YOU,"AND JUST WALK AWAY.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"YOU'LL READ ABOUT IT ONLINE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,ALL RIGHT?"

BUT IF SHE TURNS AROUNDAND SHE'S UGLY,

I FEEL BETRAYED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GET ANGRY.

I WALK UP TO HER LIKE,"HEY! YOU LIED TO ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT IS THIS?!

"THAT IS NOTWHAT YOU PROMISED ME!

"YOU ARE A LIAR, ASS!

"NO, YOU AND ME ARE COOL.IT'S BETWEEN ME AND ASS.

I DON'T LIKE BEING ASS-SWINDLED,ALL RIGHT?"

AND I KNOW SOME WOMEN ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.THIS IS HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE OBJECTIFYING US."

LADIES, LET'S BE REAL.

YOU DON'T DRESS LIKE THAT

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT USTO LOOK.

YOU DON'T PUT THE WORD "JUICY"ON YOUR ASS

AND NOT EXPECT US TO READ IT,ALL RIGHT?

AND, BY THE WAY, THAT ISTHE WORST WORD TO PUT --

IF YOUR ASS IS JUICY,SEE A DOCTOR.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

THAT IS NOT SOMETHINGYOU BRAG ABOUT.

THAT IS SOMETHINGYOU KEEP TO YOURSELF.

IF YOU'RE GONNA PUT "JUICY"ON THE BACK,

JUST PUT "ITCHY" ON THE FRONT.

WHO'S, LIKE, SUPER-DUPERPOLITICALLY CORRECT.

DID YOU EVER KNOWSOMEONE LIKE THAT?

THAT PERSON'S A FREAKING BUMMER,ALL RIGHT,

'CAUSE THEY'VE GOT A PROBLEMWITH EVERYTHING.

LIKE, HE ACTUALLY SAID THISTO ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN,YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

THERE'S A LOT OF WOMENWHO HAVE AN ASIAN FETISH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, THEY'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOUJUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ASIAN?"

"YEAH!AREN'T YOU OFFENDED?"

"UH, I'LL BE OFFENDED AFTERMY ORGASM. HOW ABOUT THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

I'LL BE LIKE,"UHH! YOU USED ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SHAME!"

OFFENDED? HUH?

WOMEN WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MEBECAUSE OF MY RACE?

FOR ONCE, I CAN FEELLIKE A BLACK GUY. ALL RIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DON'T LOOK AT THE BLACK GUYS.

THEY'RE LAUGHING.DON'T WORRY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YES, IT'SFREAKING AWESOME. THANK YOU.

SOMETIMES YOU LET RACISM SLIDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I DON'T GET RACISM.I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

LIKE, MY LAST GIRLFRIENDWAS WEST INDIAN.

SHE WAS FROM TRINIDAD,YOU KNOW?

SHE HAD, LIKE, REALLY DARK SKIN.LIKE, SHE LOOKED BLACK.

AND I LOOK THE WAY I LOOK,RIGHT?

SO, ANYTIME WE WALK AROUNDTOGETHER, IT WAS REALLY FUNNY,

'CAUSE RACISTS NEVER KNEWWHO TO CONFRONT FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY HAD LIKE A BRAIN MELTDOWN,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THEY SEE US COMING,

AND THEIR HATE CIRCUITSWOULD OVERLOAD!

THEY'D BE LIKE,"OH, YOUR SKIN! YOUR EYES!

"THE CRIME!YOU'RE TAKING THE JOBS AWAY!

IF YOU HAVE A BABY --"

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHITE POWER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE KNOW WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT USBEHIND OUR BACK AND TO OUR FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN HIDETHAT RACISM.

YOU'RE UP IN MY FACE,LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, MOFO?!"

I THOUGHT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO HIDE RACISM.

SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT --

I THOUGHT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO HIDE RACISM.

DID I MISS AN E-MAIL?JESUS. YOU KNOW?

SO, WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME COOLMYSTIQUE THAT BLACK DUDES HAVE,

YOU KNOW, BUT I TRY TO LOOKON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

BECAUSE THAT MEANS IF A GIRL'SWITH ME, SHE'S WITH ME FOR ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE, "WOW, THIS BITCHACTUALLY LIKES MY PERSONALITY?

WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?"

PLUS, THERE'S NO PRESSURE,

'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T EXPECT METO HAVE A BIG PENIS,

AND WHEN SHE SEES THAT I DO,"SURPRISE!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, "OH, DAMN! HE CAN DO MEWELL AND GET A BANK LOAN!

JACKPOT!BIG BUCKS, NO WHAMMIES."

AND THEN THE SECOND THINGPEOPLE ASK ME

IS LIKE, "HEY, ELIOT,IS IT TRUE? DO ASIANS EAT DOG?"

I'M LIKE,"DUDE, ASIANS DO NOT EAT DOG.

POOR PEOPLE EAT DOG.OKAY?"

AND I DON'T CAREWHAT RACE YOU ARE.

WHEN YOU'RE STARVING,YOU GET CREATIVE.

IF I LOCKED YOU IN A ROOMWITH NO FOOD,

YOU'D COME OUT WITH A RECIPEFOR YOUR OWN ASS, LIKE, "MWAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I CAN'T BELIEVEI'VE BEEN IGNORING THIS.

IT'S WITH ME ALL THE TIME."

AND BY THE WAY, AMERICA,

YOU CAN'T SAY [BLEEP]TO US ANYMORE

'CAUSE I'VE SEEN "FEAR FACTOR."

OKAY?ASIANS EAT DOG TO SURVIVE.

YOU EAT WHALE [BLEEP]TO BE FAMOUS.

REALLY. TALK TO USABOUT OUR PRIORITIES. [BLEEP]

SO, NO, I DO NOT EAT DOG,

BUT I DO LIKE TO MESSWITH PEOPLE.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO?

I JUST WANT TO GO TO, LIKE,A DOG PARK ALL DAY

WITH A BIG BOTTLE OF KETCHUP.

I'M LIKE, "MMM.

"HEY! HEY, LITTLE GUY.

"HEY, SIMMER.I MEAN SIT -- SIT.

"GOOD DINNER -- DOGGY.OOH.

THIS IS A GREAT BUFFET."

AND THE LAST THING PEOPLEASK ME IS,

"HEY, ELIOT, IS IT TRUE?ARE ASIANS BAD DRIVERS?"

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH, THEY [BLEEP] ARE.THEY ARE!

OH!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMESI PASS AN ACCIDENT,

I'M LIKE,"PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!

PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!"

[BLEEP]

NOW I GOT TO FOLLOWTHIS FOOL HOME AND KILL HIM,

JUST TO STOP HIMFROM SPREADING STEREOTYPES.

I HAVE TO MURDER FOR EQUALITY.THAT'S MESSED UP.

UNLESS HE'S GOT A BIG [BLEEP]

THEN I LET HIM GO,'CAUSE, YOU KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

TO GET COMFORTABLEWITH THIS FIRST.

I SEE SOME PEOPLELOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"AN ASIAN?THIS IS GONNA SUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW THE DEAL.

PEOPLE GET SCAREDWHEN THERE'S AN ASIAN UP HERE.

I GET SCAREDWHEN THERE'S ASIANS OUT THERE.

I DO, 'CAUSE THEY ALL LOOK AT METHE SAME WAY, LIKE,

"OH, GOD, PLEASE BE FUNNY,PLEASE BE FUNNY.

"REPRESENT, MOFO.REPRESENT!

KEEP IT REAL!"

THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT THEY'RE THINKING.

THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE FOR ME.

NOW I GOT TO BE A ROLE MODEL,YOU KNOW?

OTHER COMICS --THEY JUST HAVE TO BE FUNNY.

I HAVE TO REPRESENTAN ENTIRE NATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY TIME I DO A JOKE,I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, THIS PUNCH LINE'SFOR THE MOTHERLAND!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"FOLLOW ME!"

SO, I HAVE ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS

Loading...