CC Presents: D.C. Benny

  • 02/05/2004

D.C. Benny: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, NEW YORK.

I LOVE YOU, NEW YORK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING

YET.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

IT'S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.

HAD TO GO TO THE DENTIST.

I'M VERY SCARED OF DENTISTS.

I HAVE A PHOBIA, YOU KNOW?

I GO INTO THE OFFICE AND I'M

WAITING.

A LITTLE KID COMES OUT AND HE'S

CRYING.

THE DENTIST BENDS OVER AND GIVES

HIM A LOLLIPOP.

I'M LIKE, "DON'T TAKE THAT, MAN,

THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU HERE IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

DON'T DO IT."

[LAUGHTER]

THE DENTIST BRINGS ME INTO THE

OFFICE AND HE STARTS DIGGING IN

MY MOUTH.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THERE'S SOME

BLEEDING FROM YOUR GUMS.

YOU MUST NOT BE BRUSHING."

I'M LIKE, "AH, IT WOULDN'T HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT BIG,

METAL HOOK WOULD IT?"

FREDDY KRUEGER.

YEAH.

HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I WANNA

DO AN X-RAY."

I'M LIKE, "AH, I DON'T WANT

X-RAYS."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO, IT'S TOTALLY

SAFE."

SO HE THROWS THE LEAD NAPKIN

ON ME RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW?

HE'S IN THAT BIG STAR TREK BOOTH

WITH THE GOGGLES ON, YOU KNOW?

IN THAT MACHINE LIKE--

[SNIFFS] "SOMETHING'S BURNING.

STAY STILL.

DON'T MOVE."

SO THEN I GET NOVOCAIN WHICH IS

LIKE INSTANT PARALYSIS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M TRYING TO HAIL A CAB--

NOTHING'S WORKING.

I'M OUT IN THE STREET LIKE...

AHHH!

ALL THE DRIVERS ARE DRIVING BY

LIKE, "NO, NO, NO, NO."

AHHH!

"NO, SHIFT CHANGE.

NO."

[LAUGHTER]

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE WITH CABS,

YOU KNOW?

THERE'S A LOT OF PAKISTANI

CAB DRIVERS.

I WONDER IF YOU GO TO PAKISTAN

IF ALL THE CAB DRIVERS ARE

AMERICAN.

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALL THE PAKISTANI GUYS

MESS WITH THEM.

THEY GO, [ACCENT] "LOOK,

HIS NAME IS JOHN."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"ONLY ONE SYLLABLE."

"CLOSE THE FLAP.

YOU STINK LIKE CHEESEBURGER.

NOW DRIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S-- YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE

IN NEW YORK.

BEEN HERE 12 YEARS.

IT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF GETTING

THE VILLAGE VOICE AND LOOKING

FOR ONE OF THOSE BROKERS TO FIND

AN APARTMENT.

AND YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT

AND THEY SHOW YOU SOMETHING

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I WANTED A PLACE

IN MANHATTAN.

YOU KNOW I GET THIS CALL,

"I HAVE THE PERFECT APARTMENT

FOR YOU."

I'M LIKE, "IN MANHATTAN,

RIGHT?"

"YES, YES."

WE'RE ON THE 4 TRAIN TO THE

BRONX.

I'M LIKE "THIS ISN'T MANHATTAN."

"YES, IT'S CALLED UPPER UPTOWN,"

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

WE GET TO THE BUILDING.

HE'S LYING.

HE'S LIKE, "NICE BUILDING WITH

DOORMAN, A UNIFORM.

THEY HOLD THE PACKAGE."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE UPS GUY,"

YOU KNOW?

WE GO INSIDE, THERE'S A BULLET

BULLET HOLE."

"NO, IT'S GOOD FOR JEHOVAH'S

WITNESS.

YOU CAN LOOK."

OPEN THE CLOSET, THERE'S AN

ABANDONED BABY LIKE, "WAH!"

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT?"

"OH, YOUR ROOMMATE.

HE LIKE YOU.

HE SAY HI."

[LAUGHTER]

I MOVED HERE FROM WASHINGTON,

DC, YOU KNOW?

[CHEERING]

YEAH, DC'S IN THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH.

IT WAS NICE.

I WAS ALWAYS GROWING UP IN

HIGH SCHOOL I WAS ALWAYS VERY

SHY, YOU KNOW, WITH WOMEN AND

STUFF.

AND IN HIGH SCHOOL THE PLACE

EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WAS

POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THE BISCUITS

WERE GOOD.

LIKE, YOU COULD BUY WEED WITH

THE BISCUITS, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE WOULD BE GAMBLING WITH

THE BISCUITS.

"I GOT SIX BISCUITS."

YOU KNOW?

"I GOT TEN BISCUITS."

SO I WENT IN ONE DAY AND THERE

WAS THIS GIRL THAT WORKED THERE

NAMED LUWANDA WHO WAS A

CHEERLEADER.

BUT SHE WEIGHED LIKE 300 POUNDS

SO SHE DIDN'T CHEERLEAD

TOO HARD, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, TWO, FOUR, SIX,

EIGHT, I BE GO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT," YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT WAS IT.

SO I ORDERED SOME CHICKEN.

I LOOKED DOWN ON MY PLATE.

THERE WERE LIKE SIX BISCUITS

ON MY PLATE.

AND I WAS LIKE "I DIDN'T ORDER

THESE BISCUITS."

SHE'S LIKE, "IXNAY FREENAY

ON THE BISCUITAY."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "SHHH, TAKE THEM

BISCUITS.

HOOK-UP."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

SO I DIDN'T REALIZE WITH THE

HOOK-UP THERE'S PAYBACK,

YOU KNOW?

SO I'M WALKING AROUND SCHOOL

THE NEXT DAY.

I HEAR THIS VOICE, "OH, SO NOW

YOU CAN'T TALK TO NOBODY, BODY,

BODY."

AND IT ECHOED LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW?

IT WAS LIKE--

I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "BOY, I GAVE YOU

BISCUITS.

BISCUITS.

WHAT YOU THINK, BISCUITS GROW ON

TREES?

BISCUITS.

B-I-S-- SKITS."

I WAS LIKE-- OH.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WENT TO CLASS AND SHE TOLD

HER BROTHER, NO-NECK, WHO HAD

NO NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE CAME UP TO ME.

HE HAD BEATEN UP EVERYBODY IN

SCHOOL.

AND HE CAME UP TO ME AFTER

CLASS.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, I UNDERSTAND

MY SISTER GAVE YOU BISCUITS

AND YOU DIDN'T RECIPROCATE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DAMN."

AND HE'S SAID...

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, YOU GONNA TAKE HER TO

THE PROM."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL-- ALL RIGHT."

SO AT THIS POINT SHE WAS PLAYING

HARD-TO-GET.

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA."

"DID SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME."

I'M LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU WANNA GO TO THE PROM?"

SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT."

SO THE NIGHT OF THE PROM CAME.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

SO I BORROWED MY FRIEND'S MOM'S

STATION WAGON.

I DROVE UP TO THE PROJECTS.

I KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

NO-NECK CAME TO THE DOOR.

HE WAS LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU DO,

DO NOT BRING HER HOME HUNGRY."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE WENT TO THIS CHINESE

RESTAURANT THAT SHE HAD PICKED

OUT.

APPARENTLY SHE HAD BEEN THERE

BEFORE.

'CAUSE WE WALKED IN, "LUWANDA

HERE.

LUWANDA HERE.

PUT AN EXTRA COOK ON THE GRILL.

LUWANDA HERE."

"HELLO, LUWANDA."

"HOW Y'ALL DOING?"

AND SHE WAS TEARING UP THIS

FOOD.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S THIS BROWN

CHEWY THING?"

"THAT'S AN EGG ROLL."

"WHAT'S THIS WHITE CRUNCHY

THING?"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE PLATE.

TAKE IT EASY, YOU KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE WENT TO THE PROM.

WE DANCED.

IT WAS NICE.

AND THEN THE EVENING STARTED

WINDING DOWN-- I WAS LIKE--

I WENT TO GO DROP HER OFF.

I WAS LIKE "I WANNA SAY

GOOD NIGHT."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, BABY,

THE EVENING AIN'T OVER YET."

"THE BISCUIT'S GOING IN THE

GRAVY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHITE MEAT GONNA GET

SEASONED, YOU KNOW?"

I WAS LIKE, "CAN'T WE JUST BE

FRIENDS?"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?

I WAS LIKE... [LISPING]

"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JOB BEING A COMEDIAN, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A VERY STRANGE JOB.

LIKE, AH--

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANNA KNOW WHAT

DO WE DO DURING THE DAY.

A LOT OF TIMES WE GO OUT ON

AUDITIONS FOR REALLY SUCKY

TV SHOWS.

AND DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK

THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOW YOU GET

SENT OUT ON.

LIKE FOR ME, I ALWAYS GET SENT

OUT AS "FLOCKO THE DRUG DEALER".

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY NICHE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO A COUPLE MONTHS AGO I GET

SENT OUT FOR THIS SHOW

SWIFT JUSTICE WHICH YOU CAN

TELL BY THE NAME IS GONNA BE A

REALLY LOUSY SHOW, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE ONE LINE I HAVE TO

MEMORIZE.

AND THE LINE IS, "I GONNA CUT

YOU GOOD."

THAT'S THE LINE.

SO I'M PRACTICING IN THE

APARTMENT.

I'M DOING IT TO THE CAT.

I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA CUT YOU

GOOD."

[LAUGHTER]

DO IT TO MY WIFE.

"I'M GONNA CUT YOU GOOD."

SHE'S LIKE, "TAKE OUT THE

TRASH."

I'M LIKE [GRUNTS].

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I MEMORIZE THE LINE.

I GO TO THE AUDITION THE NEXT

DAY.

THERE'S 30 GUYS SITTING THERE

LOOK JUST LIKE ME.

"WE GONNA CUT YOU GOOD.

WE GONNA CUT YOU GOOD."

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M NERVOUS.

AND THE CASTING DIRECTOR

COMES OUT, CALLS MY NAME,

"D.C. BENNY."

OF COURSE HE MESSES IT UP.

HE'S LIKE-- "JC PENNEY?

YEAH, COME ON BACK."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WALK IN.

I'M SO NERVOUS I FORGET THE

LINE, YOU KNOW?

SO I IMPROVISE SOME STUFF.

I'M LIKE "I'LL KILL ALL YOU

SUCKERS."

AND I JUST LEAVE, YOU KNOW?

AND I GET THE PART, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SO I GET THE PART.

I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE, "OH,

IT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE ON LENO."

AND-- [MIMICKING LENO]

"TELL ME WHAT YOU DO."

"I CUT GOOD.

I CUT GOOD."

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE NIGHT IT COMES ON I

TELL EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WE FILM THE THING.

THE NIGHT IT COMES ON I TELL

EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY.

SITTING THERE WITH MY MOM AND

EVERYBODY.

WE'RE WATCHING.

THE PART COMES.

I'M LIKE, "SHHH, HERE IT IS."

I'M NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "THEY CUT YOU

GOOD.

THEY CUT YOU GOOD."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT MY WIFE'S BEEN COMPLAINING

ABOUT THE SEX, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S HERE AND THAT'S WHAT IS

EVEN FUNNIER, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

SHE'S BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT IT.

AND SO I I WANTED TO READ UP ON

IT A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,

TO MAKE IT BETTER.

SO I GOT A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.

AND I WAS CHECKING IT OUT.

AND THERE WAS THIS ARTICLE ABOUT

SUSHI IN JAPAN.

AND THERE'S THIS STUFF CALLED

UNAGI WHICH IS THE EEL.

AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR

[BLEEP] HARD FOR LIKE THREE

DAYS.

SO I WAS INTRIGUED.

AND IN THE SUPERMARKET BY WHERE

I LIVE THEY HAVE A LITTLE SUSHI

CORNER WITH A CHEF AND

EVERYTHING.

SO I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA CHECK

THIS STUFF OUT."

SO I WALK IN.

ONE DAY THE CHEF IS STANDING

THERE LIKE...

[GRUNTING]

AND I'M LIKE-- "IF YOU WANNA

TAKE A CRAP OR SOMETHING I'LL

COME BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "TELL ME ABOUT

UNAGI."

HE'S LIKE, "UNAGI. [CHUCKLING]

UNAGI.

UNAGI GOOD.

MAKE YOUR [BLEEP] HARD LIKE A

SAMURAI SWORD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ALL NIGHT.

WOMAN NO MORE TALK [BLEEP].

UNAGI.

UNAGI GOOD."

[GRUNTS]

SO I ASK HIM, I'M LIKE--

"WELL, HOW MUCH UNAGI DO I EAT?"

HE'S LIKE, "ONE UNAGI IS A

GOOD POWER.

TWO UNAGI A LOT OF POWER."

SO I WAS LIKE, "GIVE ME 20

UNAGIS IN THE BAG RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT HOME.

I ATE THEM ALL.

I HAD A BEER AND I PASSED OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WOKE UP.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE ALCOHOL

AND YOU FELL ASLEEP?

THE FIRST THING YOU GOTTA DO

IS YOU GOTTA PEE.

SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO

PEE.

MY [BLEEP] WAS LIKE, BAM!

IT'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"UNAGI POWER.

UNAGI.

I AM THE MASTER.

I WILL TAKE OVER THIS

APARTMENT."

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO BEND

IT DOWN.

IT'S POPPING UP.

I'M WRESTLING WITH IT IN THE

BATHROOM.

WE'RE DANCING.

I'M LIKE-- OOH.

OOH.

OOH.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT IT IN A HEADLOCK.

YOU KNOW, THE PHONE RINGS.

IT'S MY WIFE.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S GOING ON?"

I'M LIKE, "YOU TONIGHT.

NO MORE TALK [BLEEP]."

AND I HUNG UP THE PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WAS A LITTLE SCARED OF IT.

I COULDN'T-- YOU KNOW--

IT WAS BIGGER THAN USUAL AND--

YOU KNOW--

SO I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I'LL TAKE

THE EDGE OFF OF IT."

SO I THREW IN A--

I THREW IN MY FAVORITE PORNO,

YOU KNOW, WITH THE SCENE WITH

THE TWO GIRLS AND ONE GUY BUT

YOU DON'T SEE MUCH OF THE GUY.

AND, AH...

YOU KNOW?

ABOUT 45 MINUTES GO BY.

I'M SO INTO IT, NOTHING'S

HAPPENING.

I DON'T HEAR THE DOOR OPEN.

IT'S MY WIFE.

SHE WALKS IN THE BEDROOM.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

I'M LIKE "YOU IN BED NOW.

NO MAKE EYE CONTACT."

[LAUGHTER]

"I AM SAMURAI."

SO WE START HITTING IT,

YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S NICE.

BUT STILL NOTHING'S HAPPENING.

UNAGI POWER.

UNAGI.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"QUIET, DON'T TALK."

[GRUNTING]

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN MY STOMACH

STARTED HURTING.

SHE LIKE, "GO IN THE BATHROOM

AND LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE

MIRROR."

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

I GOT THE PURPLE BLOTCHES.

STOMACH'S HURTING.

SHE'S LIKE "YOU PROBABLY GOT

FOOD POISONING."

WE BETTER GET YOU TO THE

EMERGENCY ROOM.

SO NOW I GOTTA FIND PANTS TO

FIT OVER THE POWER, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

I GRAB SOME OLD FLASHDANCE

SWEAT PANTS.

LOOKS LIKE I'M SMUGGLING A

HANDGUN, YOU KNOW?

I HAIL A CAB LIKE, "WHEE."

YOU KNOW?

WE GET DOWN TO THE EMERGENCY

ROOM.

THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE WITH

GUNSHOT WOUNDS.

I HAVE A [BLEEP] THAT WON'T

GO AWAY, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

THE NURSE IS LIKE, "AND WHAT

HAPPENED TO YOU?"

I'M LIKE-- "POWER.

UNAGI."

SO I GET A SHOT AND IT GOES

DOWN.

AND I'M LIKE, "AH, THANK GOD.

I'LL NEVER EAT SUSHI AGAIN,

YOU KNOW?"

SO TWO WEEKS LATER MY WIFE

TAKES A YOGA CLASS, THROWS OUT

HER NECK.

SHE'S GOTTA WEAR A NECK BRACE.

SHE'S KIND OF LIMPING.

WE'RE WALKING THROUGH THE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

WALK PAST THE GROCERY PLACE

AND EVERYTHING.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOTTA GO IN THERE PICK UP

SOME OLIVE OIL."

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANNA GO IN

THERE.

THAT GUY'S IN THERE."

SHE'S LIKE, "NAH, NAH, HE'S NOT

IN THERE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM."

HE IS IN THERE.

HE SEES HER IN THE NECK BRACE.

HE'S LIKE, "AH, POWER.

UNAGI.

NO MORE TALK [BLEEP]."

[GRUNTS]

D.C. Benny: GREAT THING ABOUT

NEW YORK IS THERE'S SO MANY

CHARACTERS, YOU KNOW?

AND SO MANY DIFFERENT JOBS

AND PEOPLE DOING ALL KINDS OF

STUFF, YOU KNOW?

LIKE THE SUPER.

I THINK SUPERS HAVE SUPER

POWERS.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE POWER TO DISAPPEAR

ANYTIME THERE'S SOME STUFF THAT

NEEDS TO BE DONE, YOU KNOW.

LIKE THEY HEAR YOU COMING.

"QUICKLY, IN THE SHAPE OF A

COAT RACK."

[LAUGHTER]

I CALLED MY SUPER THE OTHER DAY

'CAUSE THE TOILET BROKE DOWN.

AND HE DIDN'T FIX IT.

HE JUST ANALYZED IT FOR ABOUT

AN HOUR.

AND HE WAS LOOKING AT IT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

[SIGHS]

[THICK HISPANIC ACCENT]

"WHAT HAPPENED--

WHAT HAPPENED THE PIPE HOW IT

CRASHED SO THE WAY YOUR COVER...

BECAUSE THE OTHER PIPE,

IT WAY SO IT WILL COME THAT

WAY...

BUT IT DON'T COME THAT WAY.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE THAT ONE BACK THERE

LITTLE BOWL, IT 'PPOSED TO

FLOOD ON TOP-- IT SINK-- AHH!

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK YOU WERE HAVING--

MAYBE SOMEBODY VERY STRONG

MAYBE YOUR WIFE, SHE COME IN,

SHE FLUSHING TOO HARD AND THUS

BREAK THE TOILET.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I GET THE PART.

I HAVE TO GO TO TALK TO

SOMEBODY-- MY COUSIN.

SOME TIME HE THERE.

SOME TIME HE DON'T THERE."

[LAUGHTER]

"IT'S VERY SPECIAL.

TAKE A LONG TIME.

MAYBE 30 DAYS.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE EVEN ONE MONTH."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED

HERE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES THAT

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT

SPEAK ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE I SEE THIS GUY EVERY

MORNING BEFORE I GET ON THE

TRAIN, YOU KNOW?

"MY, MAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CRAZY,

MAN.

MY MAN, NAH, NAH, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

NO-- MY MAN.

NAH, NAH...

[MUMBLING]

...BE ON IT, NO, I'M TRYING

TO..."

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"HOLD UP, FIVE OH, FIVE OH."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I LIKE THE DIVERSITY

OF BROOKLYN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE-- AND YOU SEE A LOT OF

CROSS CULTURAL THINGS,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I SEE A LOT OF JAMAICAN

LADIES TAKING CARE OF LITTLE

WHITE KIDS.

I'M LIKE THAT'S A BAD PLAN.

THAT'S GONNA BACKFIRE, YOU KNOW?

MOM'S GONNA COME HOME ONE DAY,

"JOHNNY, EAT YOUR BROCCOLI."

"ME NO WANT THIS BLOOD CLOT

BROCCOLI.

ME NO WANT IT.

ME WANT THE BEEF PATTY AND

SOME RED STRIPE."

[LAUGHTER]

"JOHNNY, I'M GONNA GET YOUR

FATHER."

"ME NO SCARED OF WHITE BOY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF MERCY.

AS MUCH AS I LOVE THIS CITY

IT'S GOOD TO GET AWAY, YOU KNOW?

IT REALLY IS.

LIKE 'CAUSE PEOPLE HERE ARE

STRESSED OUT.

YOU SEE THEM RUNNING AROUND

ALL STRESSED OUT.

"I'M LATE.

I'M LATE.

I'VE GOTTA QUIT SMOKING.

I GOTTA QUIT SMOKING.

NO COFFEE.

GOTTA GET COFFEE.

NO SMOKING.

I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M CONSTIPATED.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S CANCER.

I KNOW IT'S CANCER.

I ALWAYS LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE

AND I'M LIKE, "GOD, I'M GLAD

I'M NOT LIKE THAT."

AND THEN MY BROTHER GOT MARRIED

IN ITALY.

AND I WENT TO THAT AND IT WAS--

YOU KNOW-- I GOT OUT OF THE

COUNTRY AND I REALIZED I AM

LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN A RENT-A-CAR LOST IN

A MOUNTAIN WITH A MAP.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL IS A

KILOMETER?

WHAT'S THAT IN AMERICAN?

THE ITALIANS WERE COOL,

YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY HAVE THESE

PRE-CONCEIVED NOTIONS ABOUT

NEW YORK, YOU KNOW?

"AH, SI, NEW YORK-- BANG-BANG.

NEW YORK."

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, NEW YORK, YOUR MOTHER IS

OLD.

NEW YORK.

SI."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE-- OH, THE FOOD WAS

UNBELIEVABLE THOUGH.

MAN, THE FOOD WAS GOOD.

AND THEY'RE SO PASSIONATE

ABOUT THE FOOD OVER THERE.

YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT AND ASK

WHAT STUFF IS ON THE MENU.

YOU CAN'T JUST GET A SMALL

DESCRIPTION.

THE WAITER'S GONNA HIT YOU

WITH THE WHOLE HISTORICAL

PERSPECTIVE ON IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE, "HOW'S THE

WINE?"

"AH, THE WINE?

YOU DON'T BELIEVE THIS WINE.

[LAUGHTER]

EACH GRAPE HANDPICKED BY A

BLIND MAN WHO WAS KIDNAPPED BY

THE GYPSIES.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY PUT HER IN A CAGE.

SHE CANNOT ESCAPE.

SHE STOMPED ON THE GRAPE.

THE JUICE COME OUT.

TASTE LIKE THE NECTAR OF GOD'S

BALLS THIS WINE.

BELIEVE."

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

D.C. Benny: GOING TO CATCH A

TRAIN HOME TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ALWAYS EXCITING.

THE TRAIN IS LIKE THEATER,

YOU KNOW?

I'M SITTING THERE THE OTHER DAY.

THIS LADY COMES UP.

HANDS ME A PENCIL AND A NOTE

AND IT SAYS, "I'M DEAF."

SO I WROTE, "I'M BROKE."

I GAVE IT BACK, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S BULL--."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THE BOTTLE STARTS ROLLING.

THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE, IT JUST

COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, IT STARTS

ROLLING.

AND NOBODY DOES ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THEN THE ANNOUNCEMENTS COME ON.

YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT

THEY'RE SAYING.

TECHNICALLY THEY COULD BE SAYING

ANYTHING.

"NEXT STEP TIMES SQUARE AT

WHICH TIME I'LL LIGHT UP THE

CRACK PIPE.

PUT ALL OUR LIVES IN THE HANDS

OF JESUS."

[LAUGHTER]

DID HE SAY EXPRESS?

WHAT WAS THAT?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES PEOPLE BRING BIKES

ON THE TRAIN.

LIKE, IT'S A BIKE GO RIDE IT,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU CHEATING IN THE

RACE?

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THE TRAIN, THERE'S A LOT

OF STUFF ON THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE EYE

CONTACT, YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU'RE FORCED TO THE WAY

IT'S ARCHITECTURALLY STRUCTURED.

FOR ME, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY

SITTING ACROSS FROM ME THAT'S

TRYING TO STARE ME DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE LIKE SOME CRAZY GUY

LOOKING AT ME FLOSSING.

AND LIKE...

[HIGH-PITCH SOUND]

HE'S GOT NO TEETH AND NO FLOSS.

HE'S JUST DOING THIS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

OR I SIT ACROSS FROM THE ANGRY

BROTHER WITH THE WALKMAN ON

SINGING THE MOST VIOLENT RAP

LYRICS DIRECTLY AT ME.

"SHOOT THE MOTHER [BLEEP] FOR

NO REASON AT ALL."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THIS HAPPENED TO ME THE OTHER

DAY.

I GET ON THE TRAIN.

THE TRAIN IS PACKED BUT THERE'S

TWO SEATS LEFT.

SO I SIT IN ONE OF THE SEATS.

I REALIZE SOMEBODY HAS SPIT IN

THE OTHER SEAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE EMPTY.

SO NOW I'M THE UNOFFICIAL WARNER

OF THE SPIT SEAT, YOU KNOW?

ANYBODY THAT COMES ON, IT'S

"NAH-AH.

NO, NO, NO."

AFTER ABOUT SIX STOPS I'M LIKE,

"FORGET THIS."

I'M READING THE DR. ZITZMORE

SIGN, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY GETS ON, SITS DOWN,

[SQUISH].

I TURNED.

EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

SPIT SEAT."

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GUY

THAT COMES ON THE TRAIN IS

THE CHINESE ONE-DOLLAR GUY.

'CAUSE HE COMES ON.

HE HAS A BAG OF MERCHANDISE.

HE SELLS EVERYTHING FOR

A DOLLAR AND HE DEMONSTRATES THE

USAGE OF EACH ITEM, YOU KNOW?

"THIS A BACK SCRATCHER.

ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR.

BACKS SCRATCHER.

THIS GOOD FOR SCRATCHING BACK,

MAYBE BALLS.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR,

ONE DOLLAR."

"THIS A YO-YO.

YO-YO, YO-YO.

GOOD FOR BLACK GUY.

YO-YO, YO-YO, YO-YO.

ONLY ONE DOLLAR.

ONLY ONE DOLLAR.

THIS A FAKE CELL PHONE.

BEEP-BEEP, 'WHO THIS?'

'IT'S ME.'

ONE DOLLAR.

EVERYTHING ONE DOLLAR.

IT'S ALL ONE DOLLAR."

I'M D.C. BENNY, GUYS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioning Services

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