May 23, 2016 - Jen Bartels

  • 05/23/2016

Donald Trump changes his stance on gun control, and Larry discusses whether prostitution should be legalized with Jen Bartels, Grace Parra and Rory Albanese.

(whooping)Thank you very much!

Oh, man, what a crowd!

Thank you so much! Oh.

So good. Please. Thank you.

Please sit. Sit. Sit.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I'm Larry Wilmore .

Such a great crowd here tonight,man.

Nice international flavorin here tonight.

I like it. I like it!

Oh, guys,but I have to say this.

Okay, I saw somethingdelightfully awkward

on local news.

Um, one anchor--this is so true--

stole another anchor's story,okay?

You got to watch this, okay?

Um, we should tell you

LeBron James is gonna starin Space Jam.

WOMAN:We... we actually...

Oh, you mad?'Cause I already read that.

I'm sorry.

Uh, how's Steph Curry's knee?

-Uh, he's nursing it, andit's getting better. -Mm-hmm.

How long we been friends?23 years.

WOMAN:I didn't know

-you were gonna do it.-Have you ever--

and I'm gonna say thiswith a smile--

ever heard me sayright before you came on,

"There's an irrigation problemin Gilroy"?

(laughter)

Oh, my God! Ooh!

He goes Howard Bealeover Space Jam 2?

-(laughter)-Really?

I hope she doesn't leak thatKevin Durant's playing the genie

in Kazaam II, right?

-(laughter)-Man! All right.

Please give us more.

-WOMAN: You got to...-You ever heard me say,

"Oh, it's warm weather today"?

Never. I stay in my lane.

Catherine has stayedat my mother's home.

There's gonna come a timewhen you have to choose

between the love of your motherand your mother's friends

and the honorand dignity of KRON.

(laughter and groaning)

Wait. You broughtyour own mother into this?

What's going on here?And "honor and dignity of KRON"?

Is that like a character in Game of Thrones I'm not aware of?

Ugh. I just had to share.That... it's just hilarious.

Okay, anyhow, switching gears.

Oh, I'm really excitedabout this, you guys.

It's timefor a new segment on our show,

"Rory Albanese'sLocal News Screw-Ups."

♪ Rory's Local News Screw-ups!

(cheers and applause)

Are you... are you...are you ser...?

You serious, man?

I mean, obviously, I was gonnado that whole Space Jam thing.

-I mean, it's like...-(laughter and groaning)

My whole segment. I don't...

I'm sorry, Rory. I'm sorry, man.

Uh, are you madthat I did it first? Are you...?

Larry, I mean, I... It feelslike I stay in my lane.

-You know, I don't get it,you know? -(laughter)

Don't see me out here doingall sorts of black stories.

-Right? That's your thing!-Oh, well, hey, calm down.

-(applause) -ALBANESE: Well,it is. -Calm down, Rory.

Calm down. Calm down.

You're making me choosebetween you and my mother!

-And that's just messed up!-What?

That doesn't even make sense,Rory!

This has nothingto do with your mother!

-Leave my mother out of this,Wilmore! -(laughter)

You know what? (bleep)this place! I'm out of here!

-(cheers and applause)-Well.

Whew!

Yeah.

Got to be careful, man.This stuff happens.

All right.I'll tell you what.

Let's check in with the effortsto pale up the presidency.

It's time for the Unblackening.

(cheers and applause)

All right, future impeachedpresident Donald Trump...

(laughter and groaning)

Uh...

(applause and cheering)

Wow. Wow.

...uh, has resonatedwith a great many Americans

because they believehe is not a politician.

They liked him initially

because he said things withoutcaring what people think,

but now that he's closeto the presidency,

he's evolved to the point

where he says thingswithout caring to think.

(laughter)

Take Mr. Trump's recent remarksto the NRA

in which he detailedhis opposition to gun control.

The only way to saveour second amendment is to vote

for a person that you all knownamed Donald Trump, okay?

-(applause and cheering)-I will tell you.

I will never let you down.

I will protectour second amendment.

Okay, all right,but, you know, it's all right.

Trump's a gun guy. I get it.

Makes sense.Oh, yeah, makes sense.

Uh, he's a Republican candidate.

That's what they're supposedto say, you know.

If you want his gun,

you're gonna have to pry itfrom his cold, dead,

tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny,tiny, tiny, tiny, small hands.

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-What you're gonna have to do.

Actually... (laughs)actually...

Actually,it would be pretty easy

to take it from his handswhen you think about it. Okay.

But this is not quitewhat he said 16 years ago.

MAN: Trump hasn't always sided with the NRA on gun policies.

In 2000, his book The AmericaWe Deserve, Trump wrote:

Two positions he now opposes.

Okay, but then maybehe could have evolved, right?

16 years is a long time,you guys.

I think we've burned through11 Doctors Who in that time.

-All right?-(laughter)

So a lot can happen.I get it. Fine.

Things can change.I understand.

But when Trump was discussing

his stance on gunson Fox & Friends,

he amazingly switched positionsmidsentence.

TRUMP: I don't wantto have guns in classrooms.

Although, in some cases,

teachers should have gunsin classrooms.

(laughter and groaning)

"I... I... I... I..."

(laughter, clapping)

Okay. Um...

It's one thing

if your two positionsare separated

by years of deep reflection.

But the only thing

that separatedTrump's diverging positions

on teachers packing heatwas a (bleep) comma.

-(laughter)-That's unbelievable.

I mean, it's as if FDR said...

The only thing we haveto fear is fear itself!

Oh! And Hitler!

He's going to kill us all!

-(laughter)-Yeah.

They normallydon't play the rest of that.

-That's the real one.-(laughter)

Okay, to help us understandwhat he truly believes on guns,

please welcome Donald Trump,everyone.

(cheers and applause)

So you can see whythere's a big question out there

about your truepro-gun credentials.

You seem... you seem

to have changed positionsa lot over the years.

I've never changed positions,okay?

Some of my positionshave been changed, yes.

(laughter)

By me? Obviously.

But I don't change positions.

I take bad positions,and I make them great again.

(laughter, applause & cheering)

(scoffs)What?!

You just changed positions

on whether or notyou change positions.

-Excuse me. Excuse me.-What...?

I only have one true position.

-All right.-One.

We all know what it is, okay?

I put... I make stuff,I make money.

I've been very consistentabout that, okay?

Speaking of which,cue the music.

Bring out the babes.Where are the babes?

-♪ -WILMORE: What?

WILMORE:Oh, my God. What's going on?

Oh, God, you're right,I mean, these broads,

I mean,they are unbelievably hot.

I mean... fantastic,unbelievable.

I mean... I mean,any which one of them

could be my fourth wife.

Maybe fourth and fifth.Fourth and fifth.

Fourth and five.

I haven't been this turned on

since I danced with my daughterIvanka at the wedding.

-(laughter)-I mean...

-(audience groaning)-Okay... all right...

that is complete...that is completely horrible.

Okay, what are you doing?Why are those women out there?

-I'm introducingfor the first time, -Okay.

-Trump Guns.-(gun cocks, fires)

-WILMORE: Trump Guns?-Made with actual gold

melted down from the signs atthe luxurious Trump University,

-may it rest in peace.-WILMORE: Okay, no, hold on.

You can't run for presidentand sell guns.

What are you gonna do, like,sell them on the black market?

Excuse me, excuse me. So nowthe black market is a bad thing?

I mean, come on.

Try telling that to Tyler Perry.

-WILMORE: Oh, wait...-I mean, come on.

Who the hell else is gonna seethis guy's awful movies?

I mean, they're really terrible.

-This guy's a disaster.-All right, fine, fine.

Whatever. I'm not hereto defend Tyler Perry,

but you can't be seriousabout this.

Speaking of the black market,I'd like to introduce

the Trump nine-millimeter...

-for the blacks.-For blacks?

-(laughter, groaning)-It's perfect

for holding sideways,and lightweight enough

to holster in saggy jeans.

Look at her.Beautiful. Beautiful.

All right, okay, that is wrong

on s many levels, okay?

-(whooping, applause)-Also...

I don't even knowwhere to start.

And that's not evenwhat the "black market" means.

Look, semantics, Ebonics,whatever.

Look, America loves guns, Larry,

and they love Trump, okay?

-I'm just giving them whatthey want, okay? -All right.

Speaking of which,look at this, first time ever--

-the Trump assault rifle.-Okay, all right, fine.

What is that one for?

Come on, Larry,Americans, we all know,

they need somethingto protect them from the blacks.

(laughter)

-Carrying that gun.-Wait...

You are a horrible monster!

This is gonna be a bestseller,believe me. Believe me.

-(whooping, applause)-Bestseller. Believe me.

Because, look,you're not a teacher, okay?

-Right. -And teachersdo not need guns, Larry,

but they do need guns, okay?

-What?-That's all I'm saying.

If I'm gonna be honestwith you, okay?

You are never honestwith anyone.

Donald Trump, everyone.We'll be right back.

(cheering, applause)

Okay, welcome back!

Harriet Tubman,Eleanor Roosevelt,

the blond onefrom 2 Broke Girls.

The story of America's the storyof bold, courageous women.

And whenever a woman takesa noble, brave stand,

Nightly Show contributorsRobin and Holly salute her

with theirThat's What She Said Awards.

(cheering, applause)

That's what she said.

(audience whooping)

If you think our federal lawmakers are embarrassing,

they're nothing comparedto crazy state reps.

Take a look at a new amendment

proposedby Louisiana representative,

Kenny Havard, last week.

The lawmaker offeredan amendment

to a human trafficking billthat said

strippers shouldn't betoo old or too heavy.

I have put an age limit on itof no more than 28 years of age,

and shall beno more than 160 pounds.

And I'll take any questions.

(laughter)

Hey, I've got a question.

How'd you get to besuch a dick?!

(laughter, applause, whooping)

(applause, whistling)

But this week's That'sWhat She Said Award recipient

boldly exclaimed, "I'm notgonna take this lying down."

That's What She Said. Sorry.

-(laughter)-Sorry.

Couldn't help it. Sorry. Sorry.

-That's okay.-All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, meetRepresentative Julie Stokes.

I got to say,looking out over this body,

I've never been more repulsedto be part of it.

I hear derogatory commentsabout women

in this place regularly,

I hear and I see women gettreated differently than men,

and I'm gonna tell you what,you gave me a perfect forum

to talk about it right now--'cause it has got to stop.

That was utterly disrespectfuland disgusting.

(cheering, applause)

Well done. Yes.

-Yeah, right? Bravo!-Right! Right! Yes!

Bravo! And getting upin front of everybody like that?

I mean, that is really hard.

That's what she said.

(laughter)

In my opinion,if Representative Havard

is seeking reelection,he should pull out now.

(laughter)

That's what she said.I'm sorry.

-(laughter) -I'm really sorry.I'm-I'm sorry.

-I'm trying to do a story.-I know. I won't open my mouth.

That's what she said.Okay, that was on me.

That was on me.

This representativeshould step down now,

even though a midterm electionwould leave a big hole to fill.

(laughter)

What?

See, it's just that...you said "a big hole to fill,"

and that's exactlywhat she would say!

-Okay.-(laughter)

-Can I finish?-That's what she said.

-Okay.-(laughter, applause)

No, seriously, Robin,can you stop it?

Okay, we're tryingto give this woman her due,

and you keep saying,"That's what she said,"

and I get it-- that's the joke--but enough!

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. Okay.

WALKER: So that's whyRepresentative Julie Stokes...

for standing up and sayingwhat needed to be said

for all the ladies,we're proud to present you

with our first everThat's What She Said Award.

-Yay! -WILMORE: Wow.-(cheering, applause)

All right, yes.

Great job, ladies.

Let me tell you something--that was huge.

Uh-uh.

-No. Mm-mmm. No.-No. We're not... No. -What?

-No, no. -No, we're notplaying that game. -I thought...

-I thought we were doing thething, you know? The... -No.

Aw, forget it. Holly Walkerand Robin Thede, everybody.

-We're coming right back.-BOTH: You just did it!

-No! I-I... Oh.-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Okay, welcome back,I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(cheering, applause)

And you can see heralong with our own Grace Parra

in the next live performanceof their show,

called Lady/Freak, Saturday,June 11 at 10:00 p.m.

at the UCB on Franklinin Los Angeles,

actress Jen Bartels.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter-- @NightlyShow,using #Tonightly. Okay.

So, I finallygot you two together.

They do this showcalled Lady/Freak, right?

And there's a... there wasan issue you guys talked about

the other night-- there's beena flurry of media attention

regarding the legalization ofprostitution in New York City,

across America.Uh, it's on fire, right?

-So, uh...-BARTELS: Something is, right?

I... pointed downat myself, not you.

-I don't know what that means.-No more specifics. -All right.

Well, let me ask you this: doyou think this should be legal?

Are we at that pointin our society right now?

Uh, well, before we kind of gotinto our conversation with-with

a series of sex workers,I heard legalization,

I was like,"Yeah, prostitutes, get that nut

and the health insurance."Sounded great.

-Yeah. -Health insurance.-Health insurance and that nut.

-But then we learned...-And that nut.

We learned, by talkingto a series of sex workers,

that the ideal situationis actually decriminalization,

-which is different.-Not legalization.

-Not legalization, yeah.-No, no, no, no.

Okay, why?What is-what is the difference?

Well, the thing with crim...uh, decriminalization

is it allows the workersto feel safe, you know?

To have a placeif there is a crime committed.

'Cause right nowif something happens

and you're going down on that D,don't go to a cop.

-PARRA: No, don't go to a cop.-You can't. 'Cause you did...

-you made a mistake.-Or a doctor, in some cases.

-Or a do... Maybe.-I think even if you're

not a prostitute,if going down on that D,

-you should not be goingto a cop, right? -True, true.

Look up, though--it might be a cop. Uh...

But I think...legalization, um, is...

it's almost like creating asense of regulation and making

it almost like big, corporatebusiness for prostitution.

That's the problem-- itbasically places power and money

in the hands of johns and ofpimps and of brothel keepers,

and not in the hands...

-Oh, that's not good. -That'snot... -I shot him such a look.

I was like, "What?!"

Um, versus in-in the handsof sex workers.

And the ideal situation is forsex workers to have control

-over their own money andpractices. -Ho-How do you think

we feel about that whole job?You-you say "sex worker", right?

Rory, how do you feel about...where are we right now about...

Well, "sex worker" alone,right there, is, you know,

sex workers-- it feels a littlebit more like, you know,

they're-they're hookers.And, um, and I feel like...

I know, look at the crowd,they're like, "Oh!"

But it-it's... that's a crime.So, that'd be like bank robbers

being like, "No, we're not bankrobbers. We prefer, like,

money re-allocaters." No,you're bank robbers, you know?

You don't get to pick...Like, when you're a criminal,

-you don't get to pick. -Youdon't like cozy terms for...

You can't. That's not fair.I don't think that's fair.

It is interesting, though, tosee women who are prostitutes,

hookers, whores,actually take the word back.

They're reclaiming it.We talked to a lot of women...

BARTELS: And on our show,they are just like,

-"Whore, whore, whore."-I'm a whore, you're a whore,

-we're a whore. -We're whores.-You're not allowed to say it

unless you're a whore,you know what I mean?

I'm gonna tell you this--everyone's been a whore.

Everyone has whored arounda little bit, you know?

Whether it was a late night incollege or I had a sushi date

-and then gave a thing.-That's why-that's why I say it.

You know what I mean?I don't care.

Do you-do you think it'sbecoming more acceptable now?

That... that, uh, profession?

I do think so, yeah.I think people

-are talking about it more.-Why do you think that is?

Do you think it's the...do think because porn

has just gottenso mainstream now that...

Everyone's talking about it,everyone's doing it.

-Everyone's doing it.-It's like-it's like drugs.

I mean, I thinkwith drugs and with sex

we just have to admitthat people are doing it.

-There's no reason to hide.-It's not going away, so to deny

-that it's happening...-(cheering, applause)

-Yeah. (whoops)-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. -Right.

Everyone's out there,like, (bleep) and smoking

-and we're like, "Yeah!"-Oh, my God.

I love our audience. They'relike, "Drugs and whores! Yeah!"

(cheering, applause)

I was like...

Like, our entire audienceis just Hells Angels.

Like... (exclaims)

-I-I feel like in New York, man,-Yeah.

it's-it's a... it'sa slippery slope in New York.

-I mean, we couldn't handle...-That's what she said!

-Oh!-Oh! I got you. Okay.

-How's that for...-Yeah. Um...

No, but, like, honestly,as a city,

we couldn't handle cronuts,you know what I mean?

-We almost killed each otherover cronuts. -Cronuts?

-Yeah. It was a donut-croissantcombo. -Oh, I thought

-it was a sexual position thatI didn't know about. -I thought

it was a bad penis. I was like,

-"Oh, he had a cronut (bleep)."-Yeah. Yeah.

-No, it wasn't.Um, that is a great term -Okay.

-for a bad penis though.-I mean, it is. -A cronut?

-A chode and a cronut?-Now, let me ask you this.

Would you feel coolabout someone in your family,

-uh, being a sex worker?-Now, this is where I have

-a double standard. BecauseI feel like my little -Yes.

five-foot-two sister, ifshe was like, "I want to try,"

uh, I'd be like... Also, I madeher sound like she was 15.

She's not. Uh, that would bea definite no go.

Yeah. You know, I have barriers.But I would say no,

-because there aren't any lawsin place to protect. -Right.

But I think if, like,my Uncle Ed was like,

"Uh, yeah, I want to do it,"I'd be like, "Cool.

-I mean, you're six-two.You're, you know..." -Yeah.

-He can take care of himself.-"See you at Thanksgiving."

"I mean, I'll see youat Thanksgiving."

-Right.-Yeah. -Yeah. I don't know.

-I...-Hmm?

W... If someone in my familydid it, like, whatever,

but I would just definitely makefun of them.

-You know what I mean?I know. It's... -Sure. Sure.

-No, I reserve the right.I reserve the right, -Yeah.

you know, if-if one ofmy cousins became a sex worker.

Like, you're-you're...And you're at a wedding.

You're gonna take some (bleep),

you know what I mean?You're gonna...

I would just ask themto get-get a pseudonym.

Like, if I did it,I'd be Chace Charra.

-Chace Charra? -Yeah,Chace Charra. You'd never know

it was me. I'd be Chace Charrawith a little bowl cut.

-That's, like, a flub on yourname is all that is. -Yeah.

It sounds like a bank.Like a little crappy bank.

"I bank at Chace Charra.I don't go to the big Chase."

Well, I like... I like coming upwith my sex worker name.

-Yeah, what's your sex workername? -I don't know.

Like, Dr. Dongenstein, you know?

Something good, you know? Whynot? I went to medical school

for dong work, you know?That's my thing.

-I think it'd be Nightly Show,I guess. -Yeah, yeah. -Okay.

-Yeah. That's pretty good.-Oh, man. See how I did that?

All right,one last question though.

Uh, any comment on the fact

that whenever there arepolitical conventions,

especially Republicans,

the incidentsof sex workers skyrockets.

-Oh, my God. It's-it's huge.-Yeah.

I don't know...Oh, you know what it is?

And this is not JokeyJokey McJokerson here but, uh...

-Also a great sex worker name.-Also a great sex worker name.

-Absolutely. -But I-I thinkthat, uh... that, uh...

Thank you, Mom.Um, I think that...

I think politiciansgo into these conventions

-wanting escortsbecause of the discretion. -Yes.

-Because you can pay 40 grandto an escort -Uh-huh. Mmm.

-and expect they're not gonnasay anything. -They're also some

-of the most suppressed people.I feel like they're like, -Yeah.

"Every day I tell my lies.When I'm in Tampa this week,

-all hell breaks loose." Youknow? -Yeah, I-I totally agree

-with that. No, thatalways happens though. -Yeah.

It's always like... Like,Eliot Spitzer was a crusader

-against prostitution, andthe whole time he was... -Yeah.

he was doing it.That's how you always know.

Like, people are really againstgay marriage, it's like,

"All right."You know what I mean? "We know

-what you're doing." You know?-That is the truth though.

That is true. What you findis the people that are

the most against it have themost skeletons in their closet.

-You know? -Mm-hmm. Yeah.-Yeah. All those bones.

-Someone's like, "Yeah!"-Yeah. -All them bones.

All right. We'll be right backright after this.

YARD: If you live in the New York City area or are planning

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an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

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