Carmen Lynch, Brendon Walsh and Doug Benson try out a new Mardi Gras tradition, #GreetTheAliensIn5Words and give pop songs an arachnid twist.
Ripped from today'sInternet headlines,
it's Rapid Refresh.
(applause and cheering)
And now, here are the mostalgorithmically-trending topics
on the Internet today.
The first trend you wishto consume is Fat Tuesday.
Fat Tuesday.Gung Hay Fat Tuesday, everyone!
It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans,
from the French "mardi"meaning "drunk,"
and "gras" meaning "at noon."
A favorite Fat Tuesday traditionis to get really intoxicated
and hang out on floatsand yell things at one another
that usually involves somethinglike, "Dump 'em out!"
Or "Let's see them (bleep),or tits, or..."
And then you whip beads atpeoples' faces for some reason.
But nowadays...And people are going wild.
But nowadays,you can't yell stuff like that
becauseit's politically incorrect
and terribly sexist and awful.
So, comedians,I got some beads here.
I want youto yell something considerate...
Huh? Something considerateand positive.
And I will award you with beads.
All right? Something nice.Doug Benson.
Uh, throw me the beads,I'll throw you the idol!
Hi, Fat Tuesday.I'm Fat Brendon.
Now why don't you see
if you can throw those beadsdirectly in my ass?
(laughter and groaning)
-That was a pretty good shot.-Two points.
That was a pretty good shot.Carmen.
Throw me some beadsand I'll show you my dick.
On to our next topic,wino grandpa. Wino grandpa.
Turns out the secretto a long life is red wine
and being too drunkto remember how old you are.
According to the familyof this 107-year-old Spaniard--
there he is-- his son said
that he his fathercould drink 200 liters.
Now, I know we're in Americaand you don't understand
the metric system.That's 260 bottles a month.
Uh, which this man'steeth can verify.
Also note that this is red wine.
Drinking multiple glassesof white wine every day
just makes youa Hoda and Kathie Lee. Now...
if you're gonna tweet at methat Hoda drinks red wine,
you're outside our demographicand you need to go to bed.
So comedians, pleasegive us some life advice
that you might hearfrom this wino grandpa. Brendon.
Uh, a lot of people thinkyour dick stops working
when you get old.But not me--
my dick's always had problems.
On your 95th birthdayhave your eyes removed
and replacedwith leaky cranberries.
It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.
I'm sure I'm not the firstperson to tell you this,
but today isExtraterrestrial Culture Day.
Uh, and there area lot of 'em, like, uh,
E.T., Marvin the Martian,Alf, the tiny rambling creature
who operates the bodyof John Travolta and of course,
all of the reptilians who serve
at the highest levelof government.
Here's to you, aliens.In honor of our friendly friends
in the sky, tonight's hashtagis #GreetTheAliensIn5Words.
#GreetTheAliensIn5Words.Examples might be
we're sorry about Kim Davisor, uh,
you guys can't park here.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin. Doug.
Is it Independence Day already?
Uh, X-Files auditionsdown the hall.
Put your dicks away, sir.
We hate Will Smith too.
Does Mars still need moms?
Quick, make your skin white.
Uh, hey, what's up, guys?(laughs)
It is time to play
Commercial Failure:Tokyo Drift.
American celebritieslooking to cash in on their fame
will often head to Japan toappear in bizarre TV commercials
without having to worry about itdevaluing their image
back home.But thanks to YouTube,
we can revisit these cash grabsand happily devalue away.
I'm gonna show youa Japanese advertisement
starring an American celebrity,and for 250 points
I'm gonna need you to translatea line from the commercial.
First up, smile enthusiast,Tommy Lee Jones.
Suffering fromerectile dysfunction?
Ask your doctor if a teenageJapanese girl is right for you.
Next one, how about thislittle number from Nic Cage?
Oh, hi. I'm Nicolas Cage,and this is a song for you.
♪ My favorite things,my favorite things ♪
♪ Blue jeans,seeing a red hair girl ♪
♪ Sweet peanut butter...
Just a... a littleback story on that--
uh, he ju... he had no ideathere was a commercial
being filmed at the time.Just, uh...
Just went to his houseand turned it into a commercial.
If you have an erection thatlasts more than four hours
ask Nicolas Cage to play pianoand sing to it.
All right, points.
And sing to it?Sing to your erection.
Have you ever wished thatBilly Joel had brain damage?
God damn it.
That is a fantastic joke.
Points, Carmen.Doug Benson.
Uh, throw me the beads,I'll show you my dick.
-I don't... They're all gone.-You're out of beads?
-I don't have any.-They took the beads.
-No more beads.-I don't have any that are out.
Next one, how about this creepyencounter with Madonna's face?
(woman speaking Japanese)
MADONNA:♪ Watch it throw
♪ Tears on my pillow
♪ And if there is a Christ...
Madonna still datingyounger men.
The Madonna sex tape
-Peter Dinklage doesn'twant you to see. -Oh, (bleep).
Before the break, I showed you
the story of a Florida manwho tossed a gator
through the windowof a drive-through and asked,
uh, what else these pooremployees have to deal with.
Let's see what you came up with.Carmen, let's start with you.
For the last time, Carl,you can't walk
through the drive-through.You can either go through
once you get a caror you can come inside
once you get some pants.
By the power vested in meby the state of Florida,
I now pronounce youMr. and Mrs. Kid Rock.
You may now finger the waitress.
Uh, sir, we just said"see you later" to an alligator.
So you're gonna have to comeback in a while, crocodile.
A Spider Named Sue.
A Spider Named Sue.
A newly discovered speciesof tarantula,
uh, Aphonopelma johnnycashi, was named after-- wait for it--
famous country spiderJohnny Cash!
There he is.Actual size, both of 'em.
Why Johnny Cash? Well, thistarantula is found in abundance
near Folsom State Prison, andJohnny Cash records are found
in abundancenear conjugal visit trailers.
This thing pretty much nameditself.
Uh, so, comedians,I would like you to give me
as many spider songs as you can.
Examples might be, uh,"Pretty Flies for a White Guy"
or "Stuck in the Windowwith You."
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.
-Brendon.-"Dancing on the Ceiling."
Points. Already done. Carmen.
"She's Got Eggs."
Points. Uh, Doug.
"Take This Job and Tuffet."
"Eight Legs a Week."
Anything by Chris Brown Recluse.
Points. Uh, Carmen.
"You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'in Your Right Leg."
All right, points.