Tuesday, February 9, 2016

  • 02/09/2016

Carmen Lynch, Brendon Walsh and Doug Benson try out a new Mardi Gras tradition, #GreetTheAliensIn5Words and give pop songs an arachnid twist.

Ripped from today'sInternet headlines,

it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

And now, here are the mostalgorithmically-trending topics

on the Internet today.

The first trend you wishto consume is Fat Tuesday.

Fat Tuesday.Gung Hay Fat Tuesday, everyone!

It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans,

from the French "mardi"meaning "drunk,"

and "gras" meaning "at noon."

A favorite Fat Tuesday traditionis to get really intoxicated

and hang out on floatsand yell things at one another

that usually involves somethinglike, "Dump 'em out!"

Or "Let's see them (bleep),or tits, or..."

And then you whip beads atpeoples' faces for some reason.

But nowadays...And people are going wild.

But nowadays,you can't yell stuff like that

becauseit's politically incorrect

and terribly sexist and awful.

So, comedians,I got some beads here.

I want youto yell something considerate...

Huh? Something considerateand positive.

And I will award you with beads.

All right? Something nice.Doug Benson.

Uh, throw me the beads,I'll throw you the idol!

(laughter, applause)

Points.

Yes, Brendon.

Hi, Fat Tuesday.I'm Fat Brendon.

Now why don't you see

if you can throw those beadsdirectly in my ass?

(laughter and groaning)

-That was a pretty good shot.-Two points.

That was a pretty good shot.Carmen.

Throw me some beadsand I'll show you my dick.

On to our next topic,wino grandpa. Wino grandpa.

Turns out the secretto a long life is red wine

and being too drunkto remember how old you are.

According to the familyof this 107-year-old Spaniard--

there he is-- his son said

that he his fathercould drink 200 liters.

Now, I know we're in Americaand you don't understand

the metric system.That's 260 bottles a month.

Uh, which this man'steeth can verify.

Right there.

Also note that this is red wine.

Drinking multiple glassesof white wine every day

just makes youa Hoda and Kathie Lee. Now...

if you're gonna tweet at methat Hoda drinks red wine,

you're outside our demographicand you need to go to bed.

So comedians, pleasegive us some life advice

that you might hearfrom this wino grandpa. Brendon.

Uh, a lot of people thinkyour dick stops working

when you get old.But not me--

my dick's always had problems.

Poi...

Carmen.

On your 95th birthdayhave your eyes removed

and replacedwith leaky cranberries.

Points.

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

I mean,

I'm sure I'm not the firstperson to tell you this,

but today isExtraterrestrial Culture Day.

Uh, and there area lot of 'em, like, uh,

E.T., Marvin the Martian,Alf, the tiny rambling creature

who operates the bodyof John Travolta and of course,

all of the reptilians who serve

at the highest levelof government.

Here's to you, aliens.In honor of our friendly friends

in the sky, tonight's hashtagis #GreetTheAliensIn5Words.

#GreetTheAliensIn5Words.Examples might be

we're sorry about Kim Davisor, uh,

you guys can't park here.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin. Doug.

Is it Independence Day already?

Points. Brendon.

Uh, X-Files auditionsdown the hall.

Points. Carmen.

Put your dicks away, sir.

Points. Carmen.

We hate Will Smith too.

Points. Doug.

Does Mars still need moms?

Points. Carmen.

Quick, make your skin white.

Points.

Oh, nice.

Very nice.Brendon.

Uh, hey, what's up, guys?(laughs)

It is time to play

Commercial Failure:Tokyo Drift.

(cheering)

Oh, wow.

American celebritieslooking to cash in on their fame

will often head to Japan toappear in bizarre TV commercials

without having to worry about itdevaluing their image

back home.But thanks to YouTube,

we can revisit these cash grabsand happily devalue away.

I'm gonna show youa Japanese advertisement

starring an American celebrity,and for 250 points

I'm gonna need you to translatea line from the commercial.

First up, smile enthusiast,Tommy Lee Jones.

(speaking Japanese)

Brendon.

Suffering fromerectile dysfunction?

Ask your doctor if a teenageJapanese girl is right for you.

It works.

Next one, how about thislittle number from Nic Cage?

Oh, hi. I'm Nicolas Cage,and this is a song for you.

♪ My favorite things,my favorite things ♪

♪ Blue jeans,seeing a red hair girl ♪

♪ Sweet peanut butter...

Just a... a littleback story on that--

uh, he ju... he had no ideathere was a commercial

being filmed at the time.Just, uh...

Just went to his houseand turned it into a commercial.

Brendon.

If you have an erection thatlasts more than four hours

ask Nicolas Cage to play pianoand sing to it.

All right, points.

And sing to it?Sing to your erection.

Right. Aah!

Uh, Carmen.

Have you ever wished thatBilly Joel had brain damage?

God damn it.

That is a fantastic joke.

Points, Carmen.Doug Benson.

Uh, throw me the beads,I'll show you my dick.

-I don't... They're all gone.-You're out of beads?

-I don't have any.-They took the beads.

-No more beads.-I don't have any that are out.

Uh...

Next one, how about this creepyencounter with Madonna's face?

(woman speaking Japanese)

MADONNA:♪ Watch it throw

♪ Tears on my pillow

♪ And if there is a Christ...

Doug.

Madonna still datingyounger men.

Points.

Uh, Carmen.

The Madonna sex tape

-Peter Dinklage doesn'twant you to see. -Oh, (bleep).

Aw.

Before the break, I showed you

the story of a Florida manwho tossed a gator

through the windowof a drive-through and asked,

uh, what else these pooremployees have to deal with.

Let's see what you came up with.Carmen, let's start with you.

For the last time, Carl,you can't walk

through the drive-through.You can either go through

once you get a caror you can come inside

once you get some pants.

Yeah. Brendon.

By the power vested in meby the state of Florida,

I now pronounce youMr. and Mrs. Kid Rock.

You may now finger the waitress.

All right.

Doug Benson.

Uh, sir, we just said"see you later" to an alligator.

So you're gonna have to comeback in a while, crocodile.

A Spider Named Sue.

A Spider Named Sue.

A newly discovered speciesof tarantula,

uh, Aphonopelma johnnycashi, was named after-- wait for it--

famous country spiderJohnny Cash!

There he is.Actual size, both of 'em.

Why Johnny Cash? Well, thistarantula is found in abundance

near Folsom State Prison, andJohnny Cash records are found

in abundancenear conjugal visit trailers.

This thing pretty much nameditself.

Uh, so, comedians,I would like you to give me

as many spider songs as you can.

Examples might be, uh,"Pretty Flies for a White Guy"

or "Stuck in the Windowwith You."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-Brendon.-"Dancing on the Ceiling."

Points. Already done. Carmen.

"She's Got Eggs."

Points. Uh, Doug.

"Take This Job and Tuffet."

Points. Brendon.

"Eight Legs a Week."

Points. Doug.

Anything by Chris Brown Recluse.

Points. Uh, Carmen.

"You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'in Your Right Leg."

All right, points.