CC Presents: Lavell Crawford

  • 01/11/2008

Lavell Crawford's daily prayers haven't helped with his weight or his fear of doctors.

AND I HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.I HATE DOCTORS, MAN.

'CAUSE EVERY TIMEI GO TO A DOCTOR,

THEY ALL WANNA STICKTHEY FINGER UP MY ASS.

ALWAYS WANNASTICK THEY FINGER UP MY BUTT.

WHAT IS THAT?I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS IT?

YOU WALK IN, THE DOCTOR SAYS,"WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?"

"I GOT A CHEST COLD.""WELL, LAY ON YOUR STOMACH."

[LAUGHTER]

"HOLD ON MAN, DO YOU WORK HERE?LET ME SEE YOUR ID.

"YOU DON'T JUST WALK INAND PUT YOUR FINGER THERE

UP IN MY ASS.YOU AIN'T EVEN TOOK METO DINNER OR NOTHIN'.

DOCTORS, THEY LIKEAUTO MECHANICS.

YOU GO IN TO GETONE THING FIXED.

THEY WANT TO LOOK ATOTHER STUFF.

I WENT TO A DOCTORFOR A TWISTED ANKLE.

CAME OUT WITH DIABETES.I WAS MAD AS HELL.

LIKE, "HOLD ON, MAN,HOW I GOT DIABETES?"

"WELL, I CHECKED YOUR BLOODAND YOUR SUGAR WAS HIGH."

- "MAYBE I'M A SWEET POTATO."- [LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]

AND I WENT HOME TO TELL MY MOMMAABOUT THE DIABETES.

- I SAID, "MOMMA...- [SNORTING AND CHUCKLING]

SIT DOWN I GOTSOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU."

SHE SAID, "BOY, YOU SCARIN' ME.WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

I SAID, "MOMMA,YOU GOT TO SIT DOWN.

I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.""LORD, DON'T TELL ME YOUR GAY.

I WAS LIKE, "HELL NO.I'M TOO BIG TO BE GAY.

- I CAN'T BEND OVER THAT LONG.- [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S OKAY,I'LL SLAP YOU SO BADTALKING ABOUT

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?""I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, YOU KNOW,I TOLD MY MOMMA,

I SAID-- I FORGOT, YOU KNOW,I SAY, "MOMMA, I GOT DIABETES."

SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT WAS.

SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"I SAID, "MOMMA,

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT DIABETES IS?"

SHE SAID,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEENWEARING A CONDOM OUT THERE

MESSING WITH THELITTLE NASTY ASS GIRLS."

I SAID, "MOMMA,WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

IT AIN'T-- DIABETES AIN'TA VENEREAL DISEASE."

AND I FORGOT.BLACK FOLKS GIVE EVERYTHINGA NICKNAME.

WE DON'T EVEN CALLDIABETES "DIABETES."

- WE CALL IT "THE SUGAR."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID, "MOMMA,I GOT 'THE SUGAR'."

SHE WAS, LIKE,"OH, LORD, NOT 'THE SUGAR'.

"NOT THE BABY, JESUS.

"TAKE ME INSTEAD, LORD.

♪ JESUS ON THE MAINLINE

♪ TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT

♪ ONLY MY--

BLACK FOLKS GO TO CHURCHIN A MINUTE.

THAT'S ON MY GRANDMAMMA'SANSWERING MACHINE.

♪ "IF YOU NEED MORE POWER

♪ "THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT

LEAVE A MESSAGEAT THE END OF THE TAMBOURINE."

- BING.- [LAUGHTER]

OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH,

I WENT TO THE WHITEST PARTOF AMERICA.

I WENT TO THE WHITEST PARTOF AMERICA ASPEN, COLORADO.

IT AIN'T NO BLACK FOLKNOWHERE UP THERE, NOWHERE.

THERE WAS ONE BROTHERWHEN I GOT OFF THE PLANE.HE SHOOK MY HAND. SAID,

"THANK YOUAND WELCOME TO ASPEN."

- AND EVAPORATED RIGHT THERE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AIN'T LYIN'. I SAID, "WOW.

THEY GOT TEMPORARY NEGROESUP HERE. THAT'S AMAZING."

AND I MEAN IT SNOWED.IT SNOWED. IT SNOWED.

I HATE THE SNOW. I HATE IT.

I DON'T LIKE NOTHIN'ABOUT THE SNOW.

SNOW AIN'T NO GOOD TO ME.THE ONLY THINGI'M GOOD FOR IN THE SNOW

IS TO HELP SOMEBODY GET THEIRCAR STUCK OUT OF THE SNOW.

WHEN IT GETS STUCKAND THEY CAN'T GET IT OUT

THEY WANT ME TOLAY ON THE BACK OF THE BUMPERSO THEY CAN GET OUT.

THEY PEEL OUT ON MY BIG ASS,I FALL OF THE DAMN SNOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN BACK UPTO SEE I'M ALL RIGHT.

KID WALKING UP TO MY,"OOH, LOOK,

HE'S MAKING SNOW ANGELS."I SAY, "NO.

I'M TRYING TO GET THE HELL UP.MOVE OUT OF THE DAMN WAY."

ONE KID TALKIN' ABOUT, "HE'S TOOFAT TO MAKE SNOW ANGELS.

- HE MAKING HEAVEN."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN IT. IT SNOWED SO MUCH.I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

IT WAS JUST SNOWING LIKE YOUWAS IN ONE OF THEM SNOW BLOWERS

AND SOMEBODY HAD EPILEPSY,JUST HOLDING IT IN THEIR

DAMN HANDS SHAKINGTHE HELL OUT OF THE DAMN THING.

AND THEN SOME OFMY WHITE FRIENDS GO,

"WELL, LAVELL, LET'S GO SKIING."I'M SAID, "I DON'T GO SKIING."

"BUT AT LEASTYOU CAN GO UP THE MOUNTAIN."

SO WE GO UP INONE OF THEM GONDOLAS.

AND THEY TAKE YOU UP.WE ALREADY ON A MOUNTAINAND I CAN'T BREATHE.

THE AIR IS THIS THIN,YOU KNOW.

AND IF YOU CAN'T BREATHEDOWN HERE,

YOU AIN'T GONNA BREATHUP THERE.

I WALKED UP TWO STEPS,AND I ALMOSTDROPPED DEAD RIGHT THERE.

THEY HAD PARAMEDICSFOLLOWING ME AROUND.

AND A FUNERAL CAR TALKIN' ABOUT,"HE'S GONNA DIE ANY MINUTE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE WENT UP IN THIS GONDOLA.WE KEPT GOING UP.

WE ALREADY ON THE MOUNTAIN,WE KEPT GOING HIGHER

AND HIGHER AND HIGHER.IT FELT LIKE I WASON THE PRICE IS RIGHT,

THAT LITTLE MANTHAT GO UP THE THING,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE,HOOTIE, HOOTIE....

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN,ARE WE GONNA GO OVERTHE DAMN HILL?"

NEXT, YOU KNOW, WE GET UP THERE.WE WENT SO HIGH,

WE WAS IN ORBIT.WE WAS IN HEAVEN.

HEAVEN. I FOUND JESUS.

I GOT OUT.I WENT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

"HEY, JESUS, HOW YOU DOING?"

A SECURITY GUARDCAME OUT OF NOWHERE TOLD ME,

"LOOK HERE, BLACK GUY,THIS IS WHITE HEAVEN.

BLACK HEAVEN'SSOMEWHERE NEAR HARLEM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW DON'T LIKE SKIING ANYWAY.EVERYBODY I NOW THAT SKIS,

THEY CRASH AND KILL THEYSELFINTO A TREE,

LIKE SONNY BONOCRASHED INTO A TREE.

ONE OF THE KENNEDY'SCRASHED INTO A TREE AND DIED.AND THEY ALL WERE LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE THATTREE CAME FROM."

THAT TREE BEEN THEREA 100 YEARS.

IT DON'T KNOWWHERE YOUR ASS BEEN.

YOU'LL NEVER CATCH MY BIG ASSON THOSE SKIS,

'CAUSE THEY AIN'TNO BRAKES ON 'EM.

I GET ON THOSE SKIS.I AIN'T GONNA STOPAT THIS FIRST TREE.

I'M GONNA KNOCK ABOUT 100,000OF THEM SON OF A BITCHES DOWN

AND BE IN JAILFOR LUMBERJACKINGWITHOUT A LICENSE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IN OTHER COUNTRIES OR YOU

WANT ME TO FIT THESE JEANS.MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

AND I GREW UP TO BEA FAT TEENAGER.

I WOULDN'T GET NO PLAYFROM THE GIRLS.

I BE LIKE,"HEY BABY, CAN I GET A HUG?"

- THEY LIKE, "NO, FAT BOY.- [LAUGHTER]

I WALK UP TO ANOTHER GIRL,"HEY BABY, CAN I GET A KISS?"

THEY BE LIKE, "NO FAT BOY."

I BE LIKE, "LOOK HERE,I GOT A NAME!" THEY LIKE,"WHAT IS IT, FAT BOY?"

AND I GO HOME BEING DEPRESSED.

WATCHING THEMAFTER SCHOOL SPECIALS.

IT'D BE A LIL'WHITE BOY ON THERE

HE SICK OF HIS PARENTS."I'M SICK OF MY PARENTS.I'M SICK OF THIS WORLD!"

HE SAID I FIXING TO HANG MYSELF,GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD."

AND HE HANGS HIMSELFFROM THE CEILING FAN

AND I SAID--[CHUCKLES]-- AND I SAID,

"YOU KNOW THAT LIL' WHITE BOYAIN'T GOT A BAD IDEA.

I SAID, "I'M GONNA HANG MYSELFFROM THE CEILING FAN, TOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEEDLESS TO SAY,MY CALCULATIONS WAS OFF.

THE CEILING FAN CAME DOWN,ALONG WITH THE CEILING.

AND MY MOMMA CAME INSHE WASN'T WORRIED ABOUT ME.

SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUTHER CEILING FAN AND HER CEILING.

SHE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL YOUDOIN' TO MY DAMN CEILING FAN

AND MY DAMN CEILING?I SAID, "STOP YELLING AT ME,

I WAS TRYIN' TO KILL MYSELF."MY MOMMA LIKE, "KILL YOURSELF,

YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF?JOG, THAT'LL KILL YAH BIG ASS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

GO TO HAWAII, MAN. GO TO HAWAII,HAWAII OFF THE CHAIN, MAN.

BUT IT'S SOME THINGSYOU WATCH OTHER PEOPLE DO

THAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO.FOR REAL, MAN.

I WAS SITTING IN MY WINDOWAT THE HOTEL,

AND THEY WAS ON THESE--THESE PEOPLE WERE FLYING BY

ON THESE LITTLEMOTORIZED VEHICLES ON THE WATER.

THEY JUST FLYING DOWNTHE OCEAN THERE, ROOOOM,

ON ONE OF THEM JET SKIS.YOU EVER SEEN THEM?

I MEAN, IT WAS AWESOME.I SEEN PEOPLE JUST FLYING BY.

AND I SAID,"MAN, THAT LOOKS FANTASTIC.I THINK I WANNA DO THAT."

I WENT DOWN THEREDRESSED JUST LIKE THIS.

I SAID, "LOOK HERE, MAN,GIVE YOUR FASTED,COLDEST JET SKI YOU GOT

IN YOUR REPERTOIRE."THE DUDE CAME WITH THEWAVE RUNNER 3,000.

I WAS, LIKE,"OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH."I GOT ON THAT SUCKER--

ROOOOM, ROOOOM, ROOOOM!"

AND, MAN, I STARTED SPEEDING OUTIN THE MIDDLE OF THAT OCEAN.

MAN, AND THEN A WAVE WENTROOOOM, BOOM! ROOOOM, BOOM!

AND FROM MY WINDOW,THAT WATER LOOKED SOFT.

BUT MAN, WHEN I WENT DOWNAND HIT THEM WAVES,

I HIT IT SO HARD,MY BALLS WAS HITTING ME

- IN THE CHIN.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY TIME I HIT THE WAVE,BOOM...BOOM.

ABOUT A FIFTH TIME,I SAID, "OH, LORD,

LET ME GET BACKTO THIS BEACH."

SO, I HIT A U-TURNBACK TO THE BEACH.

AND SOON AS I HEAD BACKGOING TO THE BEACH,

MY WAVE RUNNERCUT OFF ON ME.

I'M STUCK OUT IN THE MIDDLEOF THIS DAMN OCEAN.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, LORD,WHY DID YOU PLAYIN' ME.

WHY YOU PLAYING ME, JESUS?WHAT YOU DOIN'?"

I SAID, "MAN, I AIN'TFALLING OFF THIS JET SKI."

"I AIN'T AFRAID OF THE FIRSTINITIAL SHARK EATING ME UP.

"I'M AFRAID OF HIM BITING MEAND LEAVING A BLOOD TRAIL

"BACK TO ALL HIS FAMILY SAYING,'DROP WHATEVER YOU DOIN'

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"'AND COME 25 MILES DUE SOUTH.I DONE FOUND A LIFETIME SUPPLY

OF DARK MEAT.'"

SO, I'M ON THIS JET SKILIKE A BUOY, MAN. I'M FROZEN.

I AIN'T MOVING.AND THEN HERE COMESTHIS LITTLE BOY.

I WAS LIKE, "THANK GOD.LITTLE BOY, LITTLE BOY."

"YES, SIR.""I NEED YOUR HELP.""WHAT IS IT?"

"MY JET SKI DONE BROKE DOWN ANDI NEED YOU TO GET SOME HELP."

LITTLE BOY SAID,"RIGHT AWAY, SIR."

I SAID, "GO."SO HE SPED OFF AND CAME BACK

WITH A JET SKI PROFESSIONAL.AND HE COMES BACK SAID,

"MR. CRAWFORD."TELLING ME STUFF I ALREADY KNOW.

"STAY STILL. STAY STILL."I SAID, "LOOK HERE, FOOL,

I'M FROZEN.I AIN'T MOVIN' FOR NOTHIN'."

HE SAID, "OKAY, MR. CRAWFORD,WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS

I'M GONNA CLIMB ONYOUR JET SKI."

I SAID,"WHERE THE HELL I'M GOIN'?"

"YOU STAY RIGHT THERE."I SAID, "OKAY, MAN.

"THIS IS SOME FREAKY STUFF NOW.HE LIKE, "CALM DOWN,

THAT WAS THE FIRST PROCEDURE.NOW I'M GONNA CLIMB BEHIND YOU."

I'M LIKE, "HELL, NO. DUDE, YOUBETTER NOT HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME

OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THISDAMN OCEAN.

AND I CAN'T FIGHT'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FALLIN THIS DAMN WATER."

HE WAS LIKE, "MR. CRAWFORD,I AM NOT LIKE THAT. [Giggles]"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO HE PROCEEDSTO CLIMB BEHIND ME.BUT WHEN HE DID

HIS AND MY WEIGHT TUMBLED US

RIGHT INTO THE DAMNPACIFIC OCEAN.

HERE I AMIN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEANDRESSED IN A SUIT

WITH MY GATORS ON.I'M LIKE, "HELL NO.

THANKS A LOT.NOW I'M GONNA SHARK BUFFET.

YOU BASTARD. WHY YOU DO THAT?!"AND I SAID, "WHAT WE GONNA DO?"

HE LOOKED AT ME,AND LOOKED AT ME AGAIN

AND JUMPED OUT OF THE WATERLIKE AQUA MAN.

I WAS LIKE, "WOW!" AND JUMPEDRIGHT BACK ON HIS JET SKI.

I SAID, "DAMN.WHAT I'M GONNA DO?"

HE TOLD ME,"NOW DO WHAT I DID."

I SAID, "YOU BASTARD.IF I COULD DO WHAT YOU DID,

DON'T YOU THINKI'D HAVE BEEN UP THERE BY NOW?"

HE SAID, "WELL, IF YOU CAN'TJUMP OUT OF THE WATER,

WHAT YOU SHOULD DOIS GET BEHIND YOUR JET SKI

AND PRESS DOWN ON ITAND LEAPFROG ONTO YOUR JET SKI."

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, Y'ALL LAUGHING, 'CAUSEYOU KNOW GOOD AND DAMN WELL

I CAN'T EVEN LEAPFROGON DRY LAND.

HOW I'M GONNA LEAPFROGIN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN?

HE SAID, "MR. CRAWFORD,I NEED TO YOU TRY."

I SAID, "OKAY, DOGGONE IT.I'M GONNA TRY."

AND I PRESSED DOWN.AND I PRESSED DOWN.

AND MY BLOOD SUGAR GOT LOW.AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

JUST GO ON WITHOUT ME.I GUESS I'M DEAD."

HE SAID, "NO.I'M GONNA TOW YOU IN."I SAID, "OKAY."

SO, HE STARTED TOWING ME IN,AND I-- SO I'M CALMING DOWN,

AND THE PEOPLE ON THE BEACHWAS WITH THEY CAMERAS

TALKING ABOUT,"WHAT DID HE CATCH?WHAT DID HE CATCH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I'M LAVELL CRAWFORD.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

HA, HA, HA-- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

APPRECIATE THE LOVE, BABY.APPRECIATE THE LOVE.

HOPE I LOOK GOOD IN MY SUIT.I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE, MAN.

I SWEAR TO GOD,TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE.

BUT I THINK THE DEVILWANT ME TO STAY FAT.

'CAUSE EVERY TIMEI TRY TO LOSE WEIGHT,

THEY COME OUT WITH SOME FOODI BEEN DREAMIN' OR PRAYING ABOUT

FOR A LONG TIME.I SWEAR TO GOD.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREETTHE OTHER DAY AND A BURGER KING

APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE, LIKE ITCAME FROM HEAVEN OR SOMETHING

LIKE, ♪ AHH

IT HAD A SIGN, THOUGH,THAT SAID,

"BURGER KING NOW HASTRIPLE WHOPPERS." ♪ AHH

I SAID, "I'M NOTLOOKIN' AT THAT SIGN.

"I'M NOT LOOKIN' AT IT.I AIN'T LOOKIN' AT IT.

"I'M TRYIN' TO CUT BACK.I'M TRYIN' TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNALOOK AT THAT SIGN."

THE SIGN SAID,"HEY, FAT BOY, HUH?YOU HEARD ME.

BURGER KINGNOW HAS TRIPLE WHOPPERS."YOU KNOW HOW LONG

I PRAYED THAT THEY ADDONE MORE DELICIOUS PATTY

TO THEIR ALREADYDELICIOUS DOUBLE WHOPPER

THAT THEY HAVE ON DISPLAY?I'M LIKE, "DEAR LORD,

"IF IT'S YOUR WILL, JUST ADDONE MORE DELICIOUS PATTY

"TO THAT ALREADYDELICIOUS DOUBLE WHOPPERTHAT YOU HAVE ON DISPLAY,

"JUST TO SEE IF THE BUNCOULD HOLD THE CAPACITY

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY,LORD." GOD BE LIKE,

"WITH CHEESE OR WITHOUT CHEESE,MY SON?" "BOTH, LORD,

SO I CAN MAKE A COMPARISON."♪ AHH

I'M ALWAYS HAVINGFOOD FANTASIES, MAN.

WHEN I USED TO GET HIGH, MAN,I THINK OF SOME GENIUS STUFF.

WHEN I'D GET HIGH I'D BE LIKE,YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO?

THEY NEED TO TAKE AKRISPY KREME DOUGHNUT, RIGHT,

WHILE IT'S STILL HOT, AND TAKESOME SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM

AND INJECT ITRIGHT INTO THE DOUGHNUT.

YOU GOT THAT HOT AND COLDMESHING TOGETHER,

AND YOU BITE INTO THAT SUCKER...

♪ AHHH

♪ AHHH

♪ AHHH

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AHH-- I'M SORRY.I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF AORGASM FOR A MINUTE.

IT'S SOMEBODY IN THE AUDIENCE,"HE'S A GENIUS." YES. I AM.

I GOT WORRIED ABOUTMY WEIGHT, MAN.

MY MOM IS HERE.

IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY.WANITA CRAWFORD

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU MOMMA. [CHUCKLES]

WHY SHE GOTTA SITWAY IN THE BACK? THAT'S MEAN.

THERE'S MY MOMMA.I LOVE HER DEARLY.

MY MOM WAS TOUGH THOUGH.SHE WAS TOUGH WHEN I WAS A KID.

I WAS ROUGHRAISING A LIL' FAT KID.

AND YOU KNOW SHE ALWAYS WEIRD,SHE WAS WEIRD.

SHE ALWAYS LIKE,"LAVELL YOU BETTER, YOU--

I BE LIKE, "MOMMA, I'M FULL,I DON'T WANT ANYMORE.

I'M NOT HUNGER." SHE BE LIKE,"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"THERE'S MANY A CHILDRENIN OTHER COUNTRIES

THAT WOULD LOVE TO HAVETHAT FOOD YOU TURNED DOWN."

"OKAY, MOMMY,I'LL EAT IT RIGHT NOW."

THEN WE GO SCHOOL SHOPPING.THEN SHE FLIPPIN' ON ME,

"I CAN'T FIT THE JEANS."SHE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE,

"DAMN, YOU BUSTIN'OUT OF EVERYTHANG.

I BE LIKE,"MAKE UP YOUR MIND LADY

- "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I THINK WE NEED TO CELEBRATEBLACK HISTORY MONTH.

I-- I-- WE GOT TOCELEBRATE IT HARDER.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH ISTHE SHORTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR.BUT WE NEED TO CELEBRATE IT.

EVERYBODY ELSECELEBRATE THEY HOLIDAY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?- [APPLAUSE]

MEXICANS GOT CINCO DE MAYO.

THEY HAVE GUACAMOLEALL IN THE STREET.

WHITE FOLKS GOTST. PATRICK'S DAY.KISS ME, I'M IRISH.

I'M LIKE, MMM-MMM-MMM.NOT THAT HARD!

BUT WE NEED SOMETHING.WE SHOULD AT LEASTGET SOME FREE CHICKEN,

CHICKEN COUPONS TO OURFAVORITE CHICKEN RESTAURANT

ANYWHERE WE WANT. AND WE SHOULDBE ABLE TO DRIVE DOWN

A PREDOMINANTLYWHITE NEIGHBORHOODAS FAST AS WE WANT

AND THE POLICE CAN'TPULL US OVER. WE'D BE LIKE,

WEEER, WEEER, "OFFICER,IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH."

"OH. I'M SORRY.I THOUGHT IT WAS MARCH 1st.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW,BLACK MAN." "THANK GOD."

[CHUCKLES]

BUT WE NEED TO CELEBRATEBLACK HISTORY MONTH.

WE HAVE SOME GREAT INVENTORSIN BLACK HISTORY, MAN.

WE HAD A BROTHERWHO INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB.DID YOU KNOW THAT?

AND THEN WAS ANOTHER BROTHERWHO INVENTED THE STOPLIGHT.

I WAS LIKE, WOW.AND SOME BROTHER INVENTEDTHE PEANUT BUTTER.

I WANT TO THANK HIM FOR THAT,'CAUSE HE GOT ME THROUGH

SOME HUNGRY TIMES.I THANK HIM FOR THAT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS MEABOUT BLACK HISTORY MONTH,

IS ALL OUR GREAT CREATORSCREATED STUFF.

WHITE MAN ALWAYSFOUND A WAY TO TOP IT.THAT'S WHAT KILLED ME.

LIKE, A BROTHER INVENTEDTHE LIGHT BULB.

WHITE MAN INVENTEDTHE ELECTRIC BILL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BROTHER INVENTED THE STOPLIGHT.

POLICE INVENTEDTHE TRAFFIC TICKET.

BROTHER CREATE A BABY.WHITE MAN CREATECHILD SUPPORT COURT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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