Comedy Central Presents
Season 2

CC Presents: Mario Cantone

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 07/16/1999

OH!

( mimicking ):AH, I FEEL LIKE ROBERTO BENIGNI.

THE GIANT THAT I FEEL!

FOR ALL OF YOU!

IT'S INSIDE MY COLON!

THE JOY IN MY COLON

I WANT TO SPRAYALL OVER THE PEOPLE!

I FEEL I WANT TO DINE WITH YOUON MY WIFE'S VAGINA

TO TAKE THE SEMINAL FLUIDSTO SPRAY ALL...

I FEEL THE JOY LIKE AN ANIMALINSIDE OF ME

FEELING UP FROM MY COLON.

AW, SHUT UP!

OH, I CAN'T WITH HIM.

BETWEEN HIM AND GIULIANI

I DON'T WANTTO BE ITALIAN ANYMORE.

THEN THE PRE-SHOW OF THE OSCARSWITH JOAN AND MELISSA?

THEY CAN'T HEAR EACH OTHER.

THEY DON'T KNOWWHAT SHE'S SAYING.

MELISSA, WHO DO YOU HAVEUP THERE?

MOTHER, MOTHER!

I HAVE JULIETTE BINOCHE.

WHO?

JULIETTE BIN...

WHO?

JULIETTE BINOCHE.

I NEED SOME BRIOCHE.

I'M SO HUNGRY.

SEND IT DOWN HERE!

MOTHER, I HAVE RALPH FIENNES.

I'M FINE.

NO, RALPH FIENNES.

I'M FINE!

IT'S A KITCHEN.

YEAH!

♪ 'CAUSE I'M COOKING

♪ I'M COOKING, BA!

YEAH, IT'S A KITCHEN.

I'M OBSESSEDWITH THE FOOD NETWORK

SO THAT'S WHY I HAD A KITCHEN.

'CAUSE EMERIL LEGASSE...I'M OBSESSED WITH HIM.

THE GUYS WITH THE EYEBROWS,THAT'S ON ALL THE TIME?

BAM! DON'T GO AWAY!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACKRIGHT AFTER THIS

WITH SOME CRAWFISH ETOUFFEE!

HAVE A BEER!

LET'S KICK IT UP A NOTCH.

( sniffs )

YEAH!

AND YOU CAN'T LEARNTO COOK FROM HIM.

HE NEVER MEASURES.

IT'S LIKE,GRAB A LITTLE ESTIMATE.

THERE'S NO MEASURE.

I WANT TO PUT MY FECES,SOME URINE, MY EYEBROWS

BAM! BAM! DON'T GO AWAY!

LET'S KICK IT UP A NOTCHWITH SOME CRAWFISH ETOUFFEE!

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!

WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?

BAM! WHAT IS IN YOUR ESSENCE?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

HE DOESN'T TELL YOU.

"WHAT IS IT?"

IT'S ANGEL DUST.

I LIKE THE CLASSIC JULIA CHILDS,TOO.

( mimicking Childs ):THIS IS A LOVELY...

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

WE'RE GOINGTO DO A LOVELY LOBSTER

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

AND WE'RE GOING TO TAKETHE LOBSTER

AND PUT IT INTO A POT

AND WE'RE GOING TO JUSTSMOTHER IT IN TOMATO SAUCE

TILL THEY SCREAM TO DEATH

WITH KILLING AND MURDERINGTHE LITTLE LOBSTERS

AND THEN I'M GOING TO HOVERMY LARGE BREASTS OVER THEM.

AND SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THEMAND BON APPETIT.

OKAY, WAIT.HAVE YOU SEEN HER LATELY?

NO, LATELY, SHE'S 99.

SHE'S STILL GOING.

HER NECK IS COMING OUTOF HER BREASTS

AND SHE DOESN'T COOK ANYMORE.

SHE JUST LEANS ON THE...AND WATCHES OTHERS.

THAT'S LOVELY.THAT LOOKS LIKE ( bleep ) TO ME.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I WOULDN'T...

GET ME TO THE...

I THINK I'M GOINGTO GO TO THE BELL TOWER NOW

AND RING THE BELL.

BONG! BONG!

SANCTUARY, SANCTUARY.

OH, MY GOD.

AH, FROM A CHILDREN'S SHOWTO MY OWN SPECIAL.

I HAD A CHILDREN'S SHOW,YOU KNOW?

YES, YOU REMEMBER IT, HUH?

YEP, IT WAS CALLED STEAMPIPE ALLEY.

IT WAS ON FOR FIVE YEARS.

FIVE YEARS WITH CHILDREN.

FIVE YEARS OF BOOZE AND DOPE.

UGH! AND PEOPLE ALL THE TIME:

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHOW?"

IT WAS CALLED STEAMPIPE ALLEY.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHOW?"

THEY NEVER GET IT RIGHT.

"DIDN'T YOU DO THAT SHOW, STOVETOP STUFFING?"

"HEY, THERE'S THAT GUYFROM BUNGHOLE ALLEY.

YEAH, IT WAS A PORNO FILM."

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S GOINGTO BE IT, THOUGH.

THAT'S THE ONLY THINGI'M EVER GOING TO HAVE

IS A KID'S SHOW--THAT'LL BE IT.

I'LL END UP LIKE A BIG HAS-BEENIN A BIG MANSION

WITH A BALD SERVANT

LIKE NORMA DESMONDIN SUNSET BOULEVARD

JUST GOING "MAX, PUT INTHE STEAMPIPE ALLEY TAPES.

"I WANT TO WATCH MYSELF.

"REWIND IT, MAX.

"I WANT TO SEE IT AGAINAND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

"I'M FUNNIERTHAN THAT STUPID LITTLE KID.

"WHY DO THEY CUT AWAY FROM ME?

I AM BIG. IT'S THE KID'S SHOWSTHAT GOT SMALLER."

YOU KNOW WHAT I DIDTO THE KIDS ON THE SHOW?

I USED TO TORTURE THEM.

I USED TO MAKE THEM RECREATE

THE SCHOOLYARD SCENEIN THE BIRDS.

THE GRANDCHILDREN!

( making pecking sounds )

ISN'T THAT A SCARY SCENE?

UGH! IT'S SO HORRIFYINGBECAUSE, YOU KNOW

THE KIDS ARE, LIKE,IN THE SCHOOLYARD

AND THOSE BIG CROWS AREGATHERING ON THE JUNGLE GYM

AND I'M, LIKE, "WHY DID HE HAVETHEM ATTACK THESE POOR KIDS?

WHY THE POOR KIDS?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHYTHE POOR KIDS.

BECAUSE, IF YOU REMEMBER,AS THE CROWS ARE GATHERING

THEY HAVE TO LISTEN TO THATRIDICULOUSLY REPETITIVE SONG

THE KIDS WERE SINGINGIN THE CLASSROOM.

IT WAS LIKE...

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,CLIPPITY, CLAPPITY ♪

♪ WILLICKY, WOLLICKY,NOW, NOW-NOW. ♪

( pecking sounds )

♪ I WENT TO TOWNTO SEE MY WIFE ♪

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,CLIPPITY, CLAPPITY ♪

♪ HOBBLE-DO, WOBBLEDY,CRACKITY, SACKITY, LICKITY ♪

♪ ( bleep ) NOW, NOW-NOW ♪

♪ I WENT TO TOWNTO SEE MY WIFE ♪

♪ CRACKITY, SACKITY,LICKITY, SNICKITY ♪

♪ SUCKITY, WUCKITY, PISSITY,WISSITY, ASSITY, WASSITY ♪

♪ DUMPITY, WUMPITY, ( bleep ),SUCKITY, WUCKITY, NOW, NOW-NOW ♪

♪ I WENT TO...

AND THE BIRDS WENT, LIKE,"SHUT UP!"

AND THEY ATTACK THEM.

AND SUZANNE PLESHETTEWAS THE ALCOHOLIC SCHOOLTEACHER.

SHE GOES "RUN, CHILDREN, RUN!"

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE CAREOF HER CLASS.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TAKERESPONSIBILITY.

SHE WENT INTO HER HOUSE

WHICH IS NEXT DOORTO THE SCHOOLYARD.

SHE'S, LIKE, "( bleep ).SCREW YOU! RUN FOR YOURSELF!

I NEED A DRINK!"

SHE DIDN'T CARE.

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,NOW, NOW-NOW. ♪

THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM SCARYANYMORE, DO THEY?

THE SCARY MOVIES.

THEY JUST DON'T.THEY REALLY DON'T.

LIKE, CARRIE WASA GREAT SCARY MOVIE.

CARRIE 2? HELLACIOUS.

HORRIBLE. THE WORST.DON'T EVEN TRY IT, OKAY?

'CAUSE THE FIRST ONEWITH PIPER LAURIE?

REMEMBER PIPER LAURIE,THE MOTHER?

SHE WAS, LIKE...

"I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELFTHE FIRST TIME HE PUT IT IN ME."

WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED,BUT WE NEVER DID.

AND THEN HE CAME AT ME

WITH THIS DRUNKEN,ROTHOUSE WHISKEY BREATH

AND HIS HANDS ALL OVER ME.

AND I LIKED IT!

I LIKED IT!

THEY'RE ALL GOINGTO LAUGH AT YOU!

THEY'RE ALL GOINGTO LAUGH AT YOU!

SHE WAS GOOD.

SHE WAS BRILLIANT.

THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILYARE A TRIP.

MY COUSIN GOOGOO IS LIKE...

FIRST OF ALL, SHE'STHE AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING.

SHE KNOWS IT ALL.

YOU CAN'T TELL HER ANYTHING.

AND SHE'S GOT A MOUTHLIKE A DUCK, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE RUNS OUT OF BREATHAT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE

AND YOU DON'T KNOWHOW SHE GETS IT OUT.

ANYTHING YOU TALK ABOUT,LIKE, "THAT DOG REALLY SMELLS."

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHINGRIGHT NOW.

"MY DAUGHTER CONNIE HAS A DOG.

"THAT FRIGGIN' DOG STANK UPTHE WHOLE FRIGGIN' HOUSE.

"I SAID, CONNIE,TAKE THAT DOG TO THE GROOMERS

"AND GET HIS ANAL GLANDSQUEEZED!

"IF YOU DON'T SQUEEZETHE ANAL GLAND

"THE FRIGGIN' DOG'SGOING TO STINK UP

"THE WHOLE ( bleep ) HOUSE.

"I HAD A DOG.

"HE DIEDOF AN IMPACTED ANAL GLAND.

"HE EXPLODED.

"HE WAS ALL OVERTHE FRIGGIN' WALLS.

"DO YOU WANT THATTO HAPPEN TO YOU?

"DO YOU WANT THATTO HAPPEN TO YOU?!

SQUEEZE THE ANAL GLAND!"

SHE'S NUTS.

BUT SHE'S DEAD NOW.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD--

MY MOTHER, MY AUNTS,THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

ALL THE WOMEN THAT TOOK ESTROGENIN MY FAMILY ARE ALIVE.

MY AUNTIE ANTOINETTA,MY OLDEST AUNTIE, AUNTIE MARY--

THEY'RE ALIVE.

THE YOUNGER ONES--MY MOTHER, MY AUNT JO

MY AUNT MICKEY-- DEAD.

THEY DIDN'T TAKE ESTROGEN.

AND MY OLDER SISTER MARIAN,WHO'S IN HER 50s

SHE WENT THROUGH THE CHANGE

SHE TAKES ESTROGEN,SHE'S VERY HEALTHY

BUT, MY OTHER SISTER, CAMILLE,WHO'S A FEW YEARS YOUNGER

I BEGGED HER,AND SHE'S LIKE THIS:

TOUGH-TALKING, CIGARETTE-SMOKING, B&B-DRINKING

"I DON'T TAKE NOTHIN'FROM NOBODY"

I WAS LIKE, "CAMILLE

"PLEASE TAKE ESTROGEN.

"LOOK WHAT HAPPENED...

YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE ESTROGEN."

"I AM NOT TAKING ESTROGEN.

"WHY? SO I CAN GET CANCER?

"SO I CAN HAVE A TUMORIN MY CERVIX

"THE SIZE OFA FRIGGIN' TANGERINE?

"I AM NOT TAKING ESTROGEN.

FORGET IT. I WILL GET CANCER."

( loud exhale )

( coughing )

I TOOK HER OUT FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I WAS, LIKE, "CAMILLE,WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

"I WANT TO GO TO OLIVE'SRESTAURANT IN BOSTON

AND HAVE APPETIZERSAT THE BAR."

"BUT WHY DO WE HAVETO SIT AT THE BAR?"

"'CAUSE I CAN SMOKEAT THE ( bleep ) BAR!"

"OKAY. WE'LL SIT AT THE BAR."

SHE'S OBSESSED WITH FOOD.

"WE'RE GOING TO GET LOBSTER

"AND IT BETTER HAVE A HARD SHELL

"'CAUSE IF IT'S A SOFT SHELL,IT IS NOT MAINE LOBSTER.

"I WANT A HARD SHELL LOBSTER

'CAUSE IF IT'S A SOFT SHELL,IT'S NOT GOOD."

I SAID, "BRING HER THE FOOD."

"CAMILLE, WHAT DO YOU THINKABOUT THE WHOLE CLINTON THING?"

"ALL RIGHT,SO HE LIKES THE B.J.s.

"LOOK, HE'S GOTA HIGH-PRESSURE JOB

"HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS MIND

AND I WANT MY PRESIDENTTO BE RELAXED."

AND I LOVE BILL CLINTON

BUT I THINK WE'RE GOINGTO SEE HIM ON COURT TV SOMEDAY

WITH THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS.

THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS!

THAT WAS MY FAVORITE...

OH! DID ANYBODY WATCH THAT?

DID YOU WATCH IT?

IT WAS...WHO WATCHED IT UP HERE?

IT WAS THE MOST THRILLING...

I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BEDFOR SIX MONTHS.

I WAS IN BED, I HAD, LIKE,SANDWICH CRUSTS...

MY AGENT WAS, LIKE, "RING.YOU HAVE AN AUDITION TODAY."

"I CAN'T LEAVE.LYLE'S ON THE STAND.

I CAN'T GET OUT OF BED."

I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.

I WAS, LIKE,FREAKED WITH THIS THING.

AND, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,IF YOU WATCHED IT

EVERYBODY KNOWSTHEY KILLED THEIR PARENTS.

BLAH-BLAH-BLAH,THEY KILLED THEIR PARENTS, OKAY.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I WATCHED THAT CAREFULLY.

SOMETHING HAPPENEDIN THAT HOUSE.

I BELIEVE THE ABUSE,ESPECIALLY WITH ERIC.

SOMETHING HAPPENED,BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DON'T KILL YOUR MOTHERAND FATHER ON A COUCH IN RAGE

BLOOD ALL OVER THE CEIL...

"THEY WANTED THE MONEY."

THEY HAD THE MONEY.

THEY HAD CARS,THEY HAD UNLIMITED FUNDS...

YOU DON'T BLOW THEM AWAYIN THE LIVING ROOM.

YOU TAKE THEM INTO THE BACK,BURY THEM...

"WHERE'S YOUR PARENTS?"

"I DON'T KNOW.THEY WENT TO MIAMI."

AND I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:

IF YOUR FATHER IS PLOWING YOUTILL YOU ARE 18

THINK ABOUT THIS:DO YOU WANT HIM DEAD OR ALIVE?

NOW, THINK ABOUT THISIN A SICILIAN WAY.

KILL YOUR ABUSER.

OH, MY GOD.

AND, YOU KNOW,I'M SO OBSESSED WITH IT.

AND I DIDN'T COME FROM, LIKE,ANY PHYSICAL ABUSE

OR SEXUAL ABUSE, THANK GOD

'CAUSE I KNOWA LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE

BUT I HAD THE VERBAL ABUSE.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER,YOU STUPID MORON?

"PUT THE CAP ON THE TOOTHPASTEAND GET THAT SMILE OFF YOUR...

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"

I GOT THAT. I GOT THAT

WHICH IS WHY I DO THIS.

OKAY.

THE FIRST TIMEI EVER SAW COURT TV

THE THINGTHAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION

WAS THE BRANDO THING.

THE BRANDO TRIAL, WHEN HEKILLED, YOU KNOW, THE DAUGHTER.

THE BOYFRIEND WAS KILLEDBY THE SON, CHEYENNE.

NO, CHEYENNE WAS THE DAUGHTER

DAG WAS THE BOYFRIENDOF CHEYENNE

AND THEN CHRISTIAN KILLED HIM.

AH! IT WAS AWESOME.

THERE HE WAS, BRANDO,ON THE STAND.

HIS STOMACH WAS HANGING

OVER THE WITNESS STANDINTO THE JURY BOX.

THEY WERE, LIKE,"MR. BRANDO, I'M SORRY

"WE HAVE TO MOVE YOU.

YOU'RE INFLUENCING THE JURY."

BUT HE WAS, LIKE, HUMPTY BRANDO.

HE WAS JUST LIKE...

( imitating Brando ):"THIS TRAGEDY...

"THAT'S HAPPENED TO MEIN THIS LIFETIME IS INSANE

"'CAUSE MY SON IS A GOOD KID.

"IT'S MY FAULT. IT REALLY IS.

"BAD, BAD FATHER.

"PUT ME AWAY, 'CAUSE...

COULD I GET A RING-DING,PLEASE?"

DO YOU KNOW...YOU'RE FROM BOSTON? LOVELY.

YOU KNOW WHO'S FROM STONEHAM?

NANCY KERRIGAN.

NANCY KERRIGAN.

YOU GOT TO SAY ITLIKE YOU'RE FROM BOSTON--

( high-pitched voice ):HI, NANCY! HI, NANCY!

YOU'RE SO TALENTED, NANCY!

GOD BLESS YOU, NANCY!

OH, NANCY KERRIGAN'S SO CUTE!

FIRST OF ALL... LET'S START

AT THE BEGINNING.

SHE LOST BECAUSE SHE WASN'TAS GOOD AS OKSANA BAIUL.

SHE ABSOLUTELY WASN'T.

OKSANA BAIUL WAS LIKETHIS LITTLE NYMPHETTE

LITTLE, THIN, LITTLE SWAN

FEATHER-TAIL, PRINCESS-LIKE,NYMPHY LITTLE FEATHER.

SHE WAS, LIKE, SO SHARP.

LIKE, WHAA! ZING!

WHAA! ZING!

SHE WAS SHARP AND ARTISTIC

AND KERRIGAN LOOKED LIKEA FRIGGING MACK TRUCKCOMING AT YOU.

SHE WAS, LIKE...

( engine noise )

OH, SHE'S GOTTHAT APE-LIKE MOUTH

AND THOSE LINCOLN TUNNEL TEETH.

OH, SHE'S HORRIFYING.

THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S GOOD.

AND, YOU KNOW,SHE WAS GOOD FOR A WHILE

'CAUSE THEY CRACKED HER LEGAND THEN SHE SHUT UP.

THEN SHE'S... REMEMBERAT DISNEYWORLD IN THE PARADE?

SHE'S ON THIS FLOATWITH THE MIC ON

AND SHE'S LIKE,"YOU SON OF A BITCH RAT BASTARD

GIVE ME MY STUPID $2 MILLION,YOU FRICKIN' MOUSE!"

OH, MY GOD.

AND THEN WHEN... OKAY.

HER TRUE OLYMPIC COLORS SHOW.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS.

THERE SHE WAS BACKSTAGE,IT WAS BEFORE THE MEDAL CEREMONY

AND THERE WAS A DELAY

BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FINDTHE UKRAINIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM.

PROBABLY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T( bleep )ING EXIST.

THEY'RE LIKE,"A-E-O-- OKLAHOMA."

THEY COULDN'T FIND IT.

SO THERE'S KERRIGAN BACKSTAGEIN HER VERA WANG

AND SOMEONE SAYS TO HER,YOU KNOW, THE DELAY IS BECAUSE

OKSANA CRIED HER MAKEUP OFFAND SHE HAS TO REAPPLY IT

WHICH IS WRONG, AND ONNATIONAL TV, CARRIED LIVE, CBS

SHE'S LIKE...

"HER MAKEUP?

"GIVE ME A BREAK, I MEAN...

SHE'S JUST GOING TO CRY IT OFFAGAIN."

( imitating truck noises )

THEN THERE'S THE OTHER SIDEOF THAT STORY--

TONYA HARDING.

WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW?

SHE'S LIKE A COUNTRY AND WESTERNPORNO STAR.

AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS SICK,COMPULSIVELY COMPETITIVE

LITTLE THICK-THIGHED,TRUCK-DRIVING...

"THAT STUPID KERRIGAN!

"I'LL KICK HER ASS. I HATE HER!

"I'M BETTER THAN HER.

"WATCH ME DO MY TRIPLE LUTZ.

"WATCH ME ( bleep ).

"I HATE MY MOTHER.

"WATCH THIS, STUPID,BUCK-TOOTHED BOSTON BITCH...

"OH, MY GOD!

"I CAN DO IT, I SWEAR TO GOD,THAT STUPID BITCH!

"I HATE HER.

GET ME A PIPE!"

I WANTED HER TO FORGETTHE TRIPLE LUTZ

AND NIX THE BLUE EYE SHADOW

'CAUSE IT'S REFLECTING OFFTHE ICE AND BLINDING EVERYBODY.

SHE'S LIKE A PIRATE.SHE'S LIKE

"ARGH, YOU FLUBBING,BLOOMING, FAT BITCH..."

( blubbering )

THEN WHEN THAT SKATEEVER BROKE.

REMEMBER, THE SKATE BROKE?

OH... KARMA COMING BACK AT YOU.

KARMA.

BAD KARMA.

THERE SHE WAS IN HERCIRQUE DU SOLEIL CLOWN CLOTHING

WITH THE MAKEUP

WITH THE BLUE AND THE WHITEAND THE RED...

SHE LOOKED LIKE "WHORES ON ICE."

SHE WAS LIKETHE PROSTITUTE CAPADES.

OH, HER FACE LOOKED LIKETHE FLAG OF URANUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

AND THEN YOU COULDN'T HEARWHAT SHE WAS SAYING.

SHE LOOKED LIKE CHARLIE CHAPLIN,LIKE A CLOWN.

IT WAS LIKE A SILENT MOVIE

AND SHE GOES UP TO THEM,AND SHE'S LIKE...

AND YOU CAN JUST SEEBY THE MOVIES THAT THEY MAKE

LIKE, YOU KNOW, MOONSTRUCK--THAT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.

I'M SORRY. CHER...

LET ME JUST SAYCHER HAS AN OSCAR.

CHER HAS AN OSCAR.

PUT A KNIFE IN MY TEMPLERIGHT NOW.

THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKEA GOOD ITALIAN-AMERICAN MOVIE

IS MARTIN SCORSESE'CAUSE HE'S FROM NEW YORK.

HE KNOWS IT.HE KNOWS IT.

HE KNOWS IT.

HE JUST KNOWS IT.

AND THE SOPRANOSIS BRILLIANT, TOO.

( cheering )IT'S JUST... THEY...

IT'S BRILLIANT.

IT'S ON THE MONEY, YOU KNOW?

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

( shudders )

AND IF YOU MEET A TAN ITALIAN

THAT'S BORN AND BREDIN LOS ANGELES...

I MET THIS GIRL AFTER THE SHOWONE TIME

SHE WAS LIKE, "HI, HOW ARE YOU?

"MY NAME IS CHRISTY.IT'S REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

"I LOVED YOUR SHOW!IT'S EXCELLENT.

"YOU'RE SO TALENTED.

"IT WAS REALLY GOOD.I LOVED IT.

"GOD.

"IT WAS SO GOOD,AND I RELATED TO IT

"'CAUSE I'M TOTALLY ITALIAN.

"I AM, I'M ALL ITALIAN.

"I AM, TOO.

"I AM, TOO!

"I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

I'M ITALIAN!"

"I AM. I'M ITALIAN.

"I-I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU.

"I-I-I-I KNOW ITALIAN WORDS.

"OKAY, I WILL PROVE TO YOUTHAT I AM ITALIAN.

"I WILL USE AN ITALIAN WORDAND I WILL USE IT IN A SENTENCE.

'WOULD YOU LIKESOME MARINARA SAUCE?'"

SEE, NOW, THE GUYS

WHERE I GREW UP,YOU KNOW THEY'RE ITALIAN.

I MEAN, ESPECIALLYON THE EAST COAST.

THE EAST COAST ITALIANSARE LIKE...

THEY COME UP TO YOU LIKE...

( goofy laughing )

HOW YOU DOIN'?

WHATCH YOUR NAME?WHATCH YOUR NAME?

WHATCH YOUR NAME?WHATCH YOUR NAME?

WHATCH YOUR NAME?WHATCH YOUR NAME?

WHATCH YOUR NAME?WHATCH YOUR NAME?

WHATCH YOUR ( bleep )ING NAME?

WHATCH YOUR NAME?

WHAT IS IT?TELL ME.

TELL ME,WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT?WHAT IS IT?

TINA. HOW YOUDOIN', TINA?

WHERE YOU FROM?YOU FROM HERE?

YOU FROM HERE? YOU FROM HERE?YOU FROM HERE?

YOU FROM HERE?YOU FROM HERE? YOU FROM HERE?

WHERE YOU FROM?LONG ISLAND?

SURE. OVER THERE.OVER THERE.

OVER THERE. OVER THERE.OVER THERE.

WHAT DO YOU...?WHO'S THAT?

WHO'S THAT?MY BOYFRIEND.

( burps )

THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

YEAH?WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PAL?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?ANTHONY.

ANTHONY?

( goofy laugh )

YOU ITALIAN?

LITTLE BIT, LITTLE BIT?

NO? CAN I ASKYOU SOMETHING?

TINA, IF YOU WASTO LOOK AT ME...

WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW YOU,YOU DON'T KNOW ME...

WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

SO, IF YOU WASTO LOOK AT ME

WHAT WOULD YOU THINKMY NAME WOULD BE?

JUST OFF THE CUFFOF YOUR HEAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?ANSWER, ANSWER.

COME ON,GIMME A BREAK.

JOEY.JOEY? NO.

IT'S NOT JOEY.

THINK, THINK, THINK.

ONE MORE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ANTHONY? NO,THAT'S HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU, ( bleep )ED UP?!

NO, THAT'S HIM!

ANTHONY!

IT'S NOT SOME STUPID...

HEY, I DON'T LIKE STEREOTYPES.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHINGRIGHT NOW.

I DON'T LIKE STEREOTYPES.

I DON'T LIKE THEM.

IT'S NOT STUPIDLIKE ANTHONY OR TONY, NO.

IT'S ANGELO.

'S A GOOD NAME,'S A GOOD NAME, RIGHT?

'S A GOOD NAME.

ALL RIGHT,LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,AS A HYPOTHETICAL THING, OKAY.

ANTHONY'S DEAD. I KILLED HIM.JUST PRETEND.

ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR A SECOND,JUST GO WITH ME.

I ICE-PICKED HIM INTHE FRIGGIN' HEARTAND THE EYES; HE'S DEAD.

AND THEN I COME TO YOU, GO,"TINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"IF I COULD TAKE YOU ANYWHERESYOU WANT TO GO...

"IF I COULD TAKE YOU ANYWHERESYOU WANT TO GO--

"ANYWHERES, ANYWHERES--WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO?

"WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO?ANYWHERE.

"JUST THINK.WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO?

ANYWHERES YOU WANT TO GO.WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

EUROPE.

EUROPE?

NO, I MEAN,LIKE FRIGGIN' LOCALLY.

SHE WANTS TO GO...

I MEAN, LIKE SBARRO'S OR WENDY'SOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU, OUT OF YOUR MIND?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:DUMP HIM

BECAUSE I'M BETTER FOR YOU.

I COULD GIVE YOU MULTIPLEORGANISMS LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

I'D MAKE YOU SHAKELIKE A DISHWASHER ON A BAD DAY.

( laughs goofily )

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GETOUT OF THIS FRICKIN' CHARACTER.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.THANKS SO MUCH.

[Captioning sponsored by RICKMILL PRODUCTIONS

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