Tuesday, January 26, 2016

  • 01/26/2016

Affion Crockett, Jenny Zigrino and Marlon Wayans find everyday uses for adult toys, #MakeAMovieWhiter and read headlines from a magazine for dogs.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

-Rapid refresh.-(cheers and applause)

Here is a list

of the most trendingest topicson the Web today.

First think we're gonna talkabout is T-shirts.

Hoodie kingpin and FacebookCEO Mark Zuckerberg

gave the internet a chucklewhen he posted this picture

of his wardrobewith the caption,

"First day back after paternityleave. What should I wear?"

(laughter)

His... Coincidentally,he has the same closet

as at a North Koreanprison camp.

-Uh...-(laughter and groaning)

But supposedly,young Zuck wears the same thing

every day to be more efficient.

Kind of like Steve Jobs,or the guy you buy weed from.

So comedians,what are some other things

that Mark Zuckerberg doesto be more efficient? Jenny.

He unplugs his wifewhen he's not using her.

-(laughter and groaning)-Oh, (bleep).

-(cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: Well... -Wow.

Affion.

He doesn't waste a bunch of time

on meaningless (bleep)like Facebook.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.Yeah, of course not. -(laughter)

All right, on to our next topic.Chinese snow day.

While Americans were trapped

under three feetof snow this weekend

with nothing but thousands

of Jonas brothers GIFsto sustain them,

China also had a rare snowfall.

How did one Chinese citizen dealwith the weather?

A: Dress up like a bear andfrolic with pandas in the snow?

B: Build a massive snow penissculpture on top of their car?

Or C: Film their own version ofJack Frost called Peishu Frost?

-Jenny.-B. Built a massive snow penis,

'cause that's what I doevery time.

HARDWICK: Yeah,and it's also the Internet,

-so, here's what that lookedlike. -ZIGRINO: Yeah.

-Look at the detail. I mean...-(cheers and applause)

Ah, ah, ah.

CROCKETT:That's actually impressive.

No disrespect, but that is

a total exaggerationof a white penis.

-HARDWICK: It really is. Itreally is. -(laughter, applause)

-I have seen a lot of pornos.-HARDWICK: No, it is.

He's right. He's right.

(laughing):He's... he's right.

CROCKETT:And how would

an Asian dude knowto build it that big?

-Exactly.-HARDWICK: I don't know.

-Oh.-I don't know.

Onto our next topic.Rocky mountain oyster juice.

Someone reportedly stole

$50,000 worth of bull semen offa truck in Central California.

(laughter and groaning)

-Was it you?!-(laughter)

I don't know who it is.

Sounds like a load of bull jizz.

This will affe...This actually will

genuinely affect the livelihoodof a local farmer,

so I'm sure the local newsis handling the report

with reserved dignityand respect.

REPORTER:They're the cream of the crop.

-All right, come on.-No!

Seriously?

CROCKETT: Uh...

For more on thisdelivery truck hijaculating,

check outthe Channel 13 Web site,

where I'm sure they'll beupdating the story

because they tagged it underbull_semen. They made a tag.

I mean, semen's already a tag,but let's make it more specific

and make it bull semen.A whole goddamn file

for all the futurebull semen stories

they might have to be covering.

So comedians, sinceCBS 13 Sac-ramento

wants to be your number-onesource for bull spooge news,

please give me the headlineof another upcoming report

they can fileunder bull_semen. Jenny.

What's inside a bull's penis?

We sent Sean Pennto investigate.

Points. Points. Affion.

Uh, Donald Trump'ssecret styling gel.

-Points. Points, yeah.-Bull semen.

For those of youwho are full of (bleep).

Yeah. Marlon.

Finally, a curefor Detroit's water crisis.

HARDWICK:Oh, no.

Women are having a hard timeswallowing this.

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

Now...

people are understandably upsetthat this year's Oscar nominees

are whiter than a polar bearat an NPR party. And...

And I'm not sayingthe nominees who got nominated

don't deserve to be nominated,some people are like,

"Well, it's not their fault."No, it's not their fault.

But you have to understand thatit's about the representation

of the voting committee.

90% of them are white,with a median age of around 60,

which meansthey're about as diverse

as a bag of old marshmallows,and that's not fair.

So the Academy has startedtrying to mix things up

with some membership. Ho... Sohopefully this will be the last

Oscars with a lineup of films

that have to wear SPF 50at all times. So...

So, as a send-off, tonight'shashtag is #MakeAMovieWhiter.

#MakeAMovieWhiter.

Examples might be Citizen Kale or...

or The Force Awakens,

Heads to Yoga, and Then Meets Some Friends for Brunch.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin. Jenny.

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes on a Juice Cleanse.

Points. Affion.

S... Straight Outta Newport Beach.

Points. Marlon.

Honey, I Shrunk the Penis.

Points. Jenny.

The Kids Are All White.

Yes, points.Marlon Wayans.

Diary of an Irate White Woman.

Points. Affion.

The Passive-Aggressive Eight.

Yes, points.Affion.

Jennifer Lawrence of Arabia.

Points. Marlon.

Selma, My Maid.

It's time to playVital Peen-formation.

Vital Peen-formation.

There's a lot of bad informationwhen it comes to sex and dating.

For instance, if you ask Tinder,an acceptable pickup line is

"Hey girl, lemme see some picsof those nasty little feet."

Uh, so we wanted to highlightsome educational videos

that give it to you straight.Long and hard and straight.

So, comedians, we're gonnashow you a sex ed video

we found online,and for 250 points

you have to give usthe next line, all right?

First one,this intrepid journalist

warning about the dangersof pornographic magazines.

MAN:These highly colorful magazines

picture stark nudityon slick paper.

This moral decayweakens our resistance

to the onslaught of thecommunist masters of deceit.

-(bell dings)-Jenny.

Don't spill your spunkfor Stalin,

save your lava lovefor Lady Liberty.

Buy war bonds.

Points. Points.All right, next one,

this Spanish-languageanimated feature.

(announcer speaking Spanish)

-(bell dings)-Affion.

El penis es muy poquito.

Yes. Points.

Points. Uh, Jenny.

Coming to Sundance Channel-- The Revenant for Kids.

Oh, that's amazing.Points.

That's amazing.That's amazing.

Next, the Internet'snumber-one sex ed goddess,

Alexis K. Tyler,with an important message.

Y'all, this is-this isfor the men.

Y'all need to washunder y'all damn nuts

and all around y'all damn nuts.

Get all that hard, caked-upcrust and dough and (bleep)

all up under your dick headand around that damn skin.

(bell dings)

Crazy.

-Marlon.-A... After you extracted

all the dick crust,put it in the oven

and bake it for 30 minutes.

Wow.

Affion.

I'm gonna piggybackoff of yours.

And stop letting your ballsdrag in the batter

when you mixing the biscuits up.

How else are you gonnaget crust on your balls?

All right. Points.

Add baking sodaif you want the dick to rise.

To-to save money,

your body will produceits own yeast.

That's my job.That's what I do.

-That's...-That's me.

That's my job.

All right, moving on.This is real.

This video was madeby a non-profit

to educate seniorsabout safe sex.

(bell dings)

Jenny.

Baby, are you wetor is that your incontinence?

It depends.

-Nice! Oh, well done.-CROCKETT: It depends.

Points. Points. Marlon.

I've fallen,but my dick is up.

All right, points.

Before the break,

I showed you a super fun lookingsex swing

that one customer usedto wash their dogs,

and I asked youto sell us, uh, similarly

a sex toy for somethinga lot less naughty.

Let's see what you came up with.Jenny, let's start with you.

My kids love this new pool toy,

and the cup holder's super tight

so I don't spill any of my drinkon my dick.

Marlon.

This is the new, uh,

futuristic...

-The new...-You look like Bernard Hopkins.

The new...

-The Executioner.-The new, futuristic

S-Stormtrooper...

Klan rally mask.

I'm telling you, there'sno (bleep) in the future.

Endorsed by Donald Trump!

-HARDWICK: All right.-Wow.

Affion.

Now you can fist-bump yourself

while you go (bleep) yourself.

All right. Points.

Excellent.

I have a flight later.

(a la Obama): This is Obamawhen he's doing his speeches.

He's a leftie.And he always does this.

(a la Chris Rock):And this side is Chris Rock.

Get the (bleep) out of here.

-(a la Chris Rock): Come on,man. Okay? -(laughs)

I think this is like...this is like the Pope's hand.

It's like, "Spiritus Sanctus."

That was a flawless Chris Rock.

Come on, man. Okay?

Chris Hardwick! Chris Rock!

Okay?

All about Chris, man.

Everybody loves Chris.

It's a whiteout at the Oscars.

They do. They do.

Thank you, sir.

As we go to our next game,

Dog Time. Dog Time.

Photobombs, like everythingin life, are always better

when they involve dogs. Always.

We found a delightful bunchof dogs photobombing pictures

on DogTime.com.

For example, here's a classic.

Uh...

Got the dogwith the tat sleeves there.

He's probably driving a hybrid.It's a Labradoodle.

Um, now, as wonderfulas that is, I have to admit,

I was a little disappointedto learn that DogTime

wasn't just Time magazinefor dogs.

I mean, think of allthe hard-hitting dog news.

So, comedians, since I can makeyou do whatever I want

on my program, I would like youto list as many articles

as you can that might appearin Time magazine for dogs.

Uh, examples might be"This year's best tennis balls

rated for chewiness"or "Why your farts

shouldn't startle you." Uh,

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-Jenny.-"Are you a basic bitch?"

Points. Points.

Affion.

"How to bark all the timelike an asshole

when you livein an apartment building."

Points. Jenny.

"Five things you should knowbefore you eat that chocolate."

All right, points.

Marlon Wayans.

"How to break upwith your owner."

Points. Affion.

"The top ten porches it would beperfect for you to die under."

Points.

Jenny.

"Ten hot celebrity legsperfect for humping."

Yes, points. Marlon.

"Squirrel-on-squirrel action."

Squirrels, squirrels, squirrels!

Points. Affion.

"Your owner--really your best friend

or some asshole who lost moneyon you in a dog fight?"

Points.

Jenny.

"How to bring that spark backinto the bedroom

when you've lost your balls."