Manly Tears

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 11/14/2012

A tough guy cries in front of his crew, and substitute teacher Mr. Nostrand does not play.

[dramatic music]

- OKAY, THIS IS IT.ANY QUESTIONS?

EVERYBODY KNOWSWHAT THEY'RE DOING, RIGHT?

'CAUSE WE GOT ONE SHOTAT THIS.

THERE'S NO DUMB QUESTIONS,YOU GUYS.

DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION?NO?

SO ALL YOU GUYS KNOWEXACTLY WHAT YOUR JOB IS.

OKAY, SO, ON MY COUNT.

THREE, TWO, ONE.

GO, GO, GO, GO!

- WHOA!- [giggling]

[making strange sounds]

- [grunting]

- YAH!

- UNBELIEVABLE.

- CARVELLTHANKS YOU FOR COMING.

[sighs] FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS,I'M SURE YOU ALL HEARD

THAT TWIGS GOT PULLEDOUT THE RIVER THIS MORNING.

IT AIN'T NO SECRET

THAT HE AND CARVELLGREW UP IN THE HOOD TOGETHER.

SO LISTEN UP.

'CAUSE CARVELLABOUT TO SAY SOME WORDS.

- [panting]

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T NONE OF YOULOOK AT THEM TEARS

AND THINK THAT [bleep]IS FUNNY.

BECAUSE IT TAKES A BIG [bleep]MAN TO CRY IN FRONT OF HIS CREW.

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.- [sniffles]

Y'ALL KNOW TWIGS WAS MY BOY.

BACK IN THE DAY,

WE USED TO PRETENDTHE SOFA CUSHIONS WAS A FORT.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.[takes breath]

- AND WE USED TO PRETENDTHAT THE FLOOR WAS MOLTEN LAVA.

OH...

[panting]

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,THOUGH?

THERE AIN'T NOTHING FUNNY'BOUT THAT.

OF COURSE THIS MAN IS CRYING.

'CAUSE HE AND TWIGSWAS KIDS TOGETHER. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY WAS BEST FRIENDSFOREVER AND [bleep].

- [sniffles]- GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- WE USED TO PLAY CARE BEARS.

- MMM-HMM.HMM-HMM.

- TWIGS AND I WOULD SPEND

THE GOOD PARTOF AN AFTERNOON

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHICH C-C-CARE BEAR WE WAS.

- OH, OH...[chuckling]

OH...

I WISH ONE OF Y'ALLMOTHER-[bleep]

WOULD JUST START LAUGHING,

'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOWYOU THINK THIS [bleep] IS FUNNY.

CARVELL OVER HERE, BLUBBERINGAND TALKING 'BOUT CARE BEARS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

BUT YOU...

- [holding back sobs]

- [wheezes]

THOSE ARE MANLY TEARS!OKAY?

THOSE SOME MANLY-ASS TEARSRIGHT THERE THAT YOU LOOKIN' AT!

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- AND THEN--

AND THEN--AND THEN--AND THEN--AND--AND--AND--

[blubbering]

- [laughs]MM, I'M SORRY, MAN.

THAT WAS A WEIRD-ASS SNEEZEI JUST DID RIGHT THERE.

GOD DAMN IT.

CAN A BROTHER GET SOME [bleep]CLARITIN UP IN HERE?

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- TWIGS ALWAYSFANCIED HIMSELF SHARE BEAR.

- MM--

[groaning laugh]

- I ALWAYS--

I ALWAYS THOUGHT--

THOUGHT OF MYSELFAS MORE OF A FUNSHINE BEAR.

- MM--OKAY.

OKAY, ALL YOU [bleep] NEEDTO RESPECT THAT RIGHT THERE!

OKAY?

Y'ALL NEED TO LISTENTO FUNSHI--

[laughs]

[howling laughter]

I'M SO--I'M SORRY, MAN.

YOU A FUNSHINE BEAR, MAN.I'M SORRY, THAT--

THAT IS SOME FUNNY [bleep].[laughs]

[gunshot]- WHOA, WHOA.

- [heaves]

ALL RIGHT.LET'S GO SELL SOME CRACK.

- JAHARI, MY FRIEND.

THERE ARE A LOT OF BEAUTIFULWOMEN OUT HERE TODAY.

[chuckles]- YEAH.

KAREEN, MY FRIEND,YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH.

- WELL, I DO WHAT I CAN.

- OOH.- OH...

WOW.- RIGHT?

- HA-HA.- BLIP.

- SHA-BLOIMPS.- [laughs]

- YOU KNOW, I CAUGHT A LITTLEGLIMPSE OF HER FOOT NUT.

[clicks tongue]- YOU SAW ANKLE BONE?

- WELL...

- GOT SOME ANKLE CLEAVAGE,YOU DIRTY DEVIL, HUH?

YOU SAW?

- GOD, I SAW.

[both talking over each other]

- YES, KAREEN.

[laughs]- HEH...

- VERY TASTY...

- EH...

- MM.

- HMM-HMM.- OH...

- DUDE, DID YOU SEETHE BRIDGE ON THAT NOSE?

- I MEAN, IF IT ISANY INDICATION...

- WOW.- HHH-HOLY GARBANZO BEANS.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THAT IS A BRIDGEI'D LIKE TO CROSS.

[both laugh]

- THIS IS MY BOY.THIS IS MY BOY.

- [laughing]- THIS IS MY BOY.

OH.

- HMM.

- NOT A LOT TO GO ON THERE.- NOT REALLY. NOT REALLY.

GOOD HEIGHT.- GOOD HEIGHT.

- GOOD HEIGHT.

- CRAZY TALL.

- [growls]YEAH, LIKE 5'9".

HEH...

- COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.- [muttering]

- COME ON. SHE'S TALL.SHE'S TALL. SHE'S TALL.

- THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S TALL.THERE'S NOTHING TO BE DONE.

- GETTING WET. LET ME SEE--

LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.

THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.

- JAHARI,CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING

IN CONFIDENCE RIGHT NOW?- OKAY.

- [whispers]I'M A VIRGIN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

DARIUS RUCKER.

[cheers and applause]

[whistling]

- [playing guitar]

♪ DON'T GO OUTWITH MY FRIENDS NO MORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNAHOLD YOUR HAND NO MORE ♪

- HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

[crowd chanting]HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- ♪ AND I DON'T WANNABE WITH YOU ♪

all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE,HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- NO, NO.all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT IN HOOTIEAND THE BLOWFISH ANYMORE, Y'ALL.

DOING MY OWN THING.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IN HOOTIE"?BECAUSE YOU ARE HOOTIE, MAN!

COME ON, EVERYBODY!all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...- NO, NO...

NO, NO, NO, ALL RIGHT,NOW--NOW--NOW STOP IT, STOP IT.

I'M NOT HOOTIE.I'M DARIUS RUCKER. ALL RIGHT?

I USED TO BE THE FRONT MAN

FOR A BAND CALLEDHOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.

ALL RIGHT,BUT I WAS NEVER HOOTIE.

THERE WAS NEVER A HOOTIE.

- WAIT,

JUST--IF I MAY--IF I MAY ASK,

WHERE ARE THE BLOWFISH AT,RIGHT, GUYS?

COME ON, EVERYBODY!BLOWFISH!

all: [chanting]BLOWFISH, BLOWFISH, BLOWFISH...

- NO, NO, NO! THE--

THERE ARE NO PEOPLE KNOWNAS "THE BLOWFISH," Y'ALL.

OKAY?

THE WHOLE BAND WAS JUST CALLEDHOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.

THAT'S IT.IT WAS A NONSENSE NAME.

LIKE HOOBASTANK.OR TOAD THE WET SPROCKET.

- OH.

- [plays guitar]

♪ DON'T GO OUTWITH MY FRIENDS NO MORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNAHOLD YOUR HAND NO MORE ♪

- OH! OH!

- WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MAN?

- I SEE. I GET IT NOW.I UNDERSTAND.

HEY, WE GOTTA PICK, Y'ALL!

WE GOTTA CHOOSE BETWEEN...- NO, NO...

HOOTIE OR THE BLOWFISH!

SO, WHO WANTS TO SEETHE BLOWFISH?

[crowd cheers]

- THERE'S NO BLOWFISH.

- AND WHO WANTSTO SEE HOOTIE?

- HEY.

HEY, THAT--THAT HURTSMY FEELINGS, Y'ALL.

- YEAH, BUT YOU SAIDYOU WEREN'T HOOTIE.

- NO, I'M NOT, SIR.

BUT IN THE QUESTIONYOU JUST ASKED THE AUDIENCE,

I-I WAS CLEARLY HOOTIE.

- SO YOU ARE HOOTIE!- I'M NOT, THOUGH.

- HE IS HOOTIE!

- NO...[crowd cheers]

- HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

all: [chanting]HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...[crowd cheering]

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- [sobbing]I'M HOOTIE!

I'M HOOTIE! AAH!

[bell rings]

[students chattering]

[chatter fades]

- I...

AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE...

MR. NOSTRAND.

BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY,"NO NONSENSE,"

BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY.

NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BEA DAY OFF.

IN FACT, TODAY,YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN--

[farts]

[farts quietly]

all: [laughing]

- SEE YOU LATER,MR. POOTSTRAND!

DID THAT DUDEREALLY JUST FART?

- SOMEBODY CALLA CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

- EIGHT KILOS.

100%.

PURE GRADE AFGHANI HEROIN.

- [sniffs]

[squeaky sniff]

$100,000 U.S. DOLLARS.

- HOLD UP.

WE SHOULD COUNT IT FIRST.

- MM. MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

- BE MY GUEST.

- YOU KNOW,WE GONNA DO A STRAIGHT COUNT

ON THIS RIGHT NOW.

- COUNT IT-COUNT IT?- YEAH. JUST--

- GOOD IDEA.- MM-HMM.

- SHOULD PROBABLYDO IT FAST

SO WE DON'T MAKEOUR FRIENDS HERE WAIT.

- MM-HMM.

OKAY.[clears throat]

20, 40, 60, 80,

100, 20, 40, 60,

80, 200--

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M FAST.LET ME JUST DO IT.

- YOU WANT--OKAY.- I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE--

- HEY, WHY--WHY ARE YOUDOIN' PILES OF NINE?

- IT'S FASTER THAN 10s.- OH, REALLY?

- I DO MY NINES 10 TIMES, ANDTHEN I DO AN EXTRA PILE OF 10.

- FAST. OKAY. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, WE--WE SHOULDPROBABLY BOTH BE COUNTING.

- OH, WELL, LET'S GET TO IT.

THAT'S DOU--DOUBLE TROUBLE.ALL RIGHT.

AND, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...- 20, 40, 60, 80, 100...

- FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE.- 20, 40, 60, 80, 100...

- 20, 40--- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR--WAIT.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE--- OKAY, I'M SORRY, CAN YOU--

COULD YOU PLE--- YUP.

- COULD YOU DO SOMETHINGLIKE OVER THERE, PLEASE?

- I'M GONNA TAKE.- IT'S A LITTLE DISTRACTING.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?- WHAT'S THAT?

- I GOT IT.WE COULD TIME ME.

- [gasps] OKAY.

- OKAY, WE TIME MECOUNTING OUT 1,000.

WE TAKE THAT TIME,

AND THEN WE JUST COUNT MONEYFOR THAT TIME TIMES 100.

- NO! I G--I GOT IT.THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE.

I'M GONNA DO A WEB SEARCHFOR A PICTURE OF $100,000.

OKAY?- OKAY.

- THEN, YOU KNOW, WE'LL KNOWWHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE

AND THEN WE CANARRANGE OUR MONEY

TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE IT.

AND SEE--HERE. HEY. HERE WE GO.RIGHT HERE, LOOK.

I MEAN, DAMN, THAT LOOKS--

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE--A LOT LIKE OUR MONEY.

I THINK WE GOT$100,000 HERE, FOLKS.

- I THINK WE MADE IT.- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT IS OUR MONEY. I'M SORRY.I'M SORRY, DO--

EARLIER...- YEAH.

- WHEN WE WERE COUNTING,I TOOK A PICTURE OF OUR MONEY

SO I COULD UPLOAD ITON YAHOO! ANSWERS.

- OH, DAMN.- THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE I JUST WANTED TO SEEIF ANYONE COULD VERIFY

WHAT $100,000 LOOKED LIKE.- [bleep]!

- OH, YOU GOT IT.- WHAT WAS I THINKING?

- YOU GOT IT.- I GOT IT, MAN.

- GO, GO, GO, GO.- I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- I TH--YOU KNOW,I WAS GONNA TRY TO RAIN MAN IT.

- OH, THAT'S A PLAN RIGHT THERE.- THAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, YEAH, HERE WE GO.- WE CAN DO THAT.

- OKAY.

YUP, YUP. I GOT THAT.I GOT THAT.

20, 40, 60...

20, 40, 60, 80...

99,980.

[dramatic music]

[gunfire]

all: [groaning]

- [panting]

[orchestral note]

[jazzy standard music]

- ♪ WOULD YOULOOK AT THE TIME? ♪

- ♪ YOU SHOULD JUSTSTAY HERE TONIGHT ♪

- ♪ I'VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE

- ♪ YOU WILL LEAVEAT FIRST LIGHT ♪

- ♪ IT ISN'T THAT FAR

- ♪ BABY,JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE ♪

- ♪ BACK TO MY PLACE

- ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPEFROM MY EMBRACE ♪

- ♪ I REALLYHAD A VERY NICE TIME ♪

- ♪ LET ME JUSTREFILL THAT WINE ♪

- ♪ BUT I REALLY NEED TOJUST SAY GOOD-BYE ♪

- ♪ I WOULD LOVETO SEE YOU TRY ♪

- ♪ PLEASE UNLOCKTHIS DOOR ♪

- ♪ IT'S LOCKEDFROM THE OUTSIDE ♪

♪ BABE, YOU'RE MINE TONIGHT - ♪ I CANNOT STAY TONIGHT

♪ LOOK, I REALLY HAVE TO GO

- ♪ NO, YOU REALLYHAVE TO STAY ♪

- ♪ HEY, "NO" MEANS NO

- ♪ THAT IS WHATTHEY ALL SAY ♪

- ♪ YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM

- ♪ I WON'T CAUSE YOUANY HARM ♪

- ♪ LET GO OF ME

- ♪ WE CAN MAKE THIS HARDOR JUST EASY ♪

- ♪ A WOMAN ALWAYSCOMES PREPARED ♪

- ♪ OOH, I'M REALLY SCARED

- ♪ I SAID THIS ISNOT WHAT I WANT ♪

- ♪ WHY YOU HAVE TOBE SUCH A-- ♪

- ♪ I KNOW SELF-DEFENSE

- ♪ I DARE YOU TO TRY IT

- ♪ I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT

- ♪ BITCH,YOU ARE MINE TONIGHT ♪

♪ PLEASE,JUST PLEASE GO AWAY ♪

- ♪ I THOUGHT THAT YOUWANTED ME TO STAY ♪

- ♪ WELL--WELL,I JUST CHANGED MY MIND ♪

- ♪ THINK I'LL JUSTSTAY AND UNWIND ♪

- ♪ HOW DID THIS ALL SWITCH?

- ♪ NOW YOU ARE...

♪ MY...

♪ BITCH

- ♪ PLEASE JUSTBE KIND TONIGHT! ♪

- ♪ NOW YOU'RE MINE...

♪ TO...

♪ NIGHT

- Yo, man, welcome,this is Vandaveon Huggins.

You are here with usat "The Critiquer's Corner."

- 'Sup.

- That's my boy Mike Taylorback here.

"Key & Peele," man, seriously,

I'm just gonna say itright out to y'all.

Y'all got to bemore professional.

- Just take it upa notch.

- Y'all got to bemore professional.

Y'all can't just be laughing

straight up in the middleof the scene.

- Okay, all you niggas need to respect that right there, okay?

Y'all need to listen to what--

[laughing]

[scream-laughing]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man.

You a fun-shine, Bear Man.

I'm sorry, that-- that is some funny shit.

[laughs]

- But nobody elsein the scene laughing.

And he just gonnalaugh out loud.

And also, yo, can I justsay this, though,

really, though, Mike,shame on the cameraman.

- They need to get somebodyto direct what's going on.

- Yeah, they need someonelike a director in there,

or something like that.

Where are the funny jokesand whatnot?

Like, you know what I mean?

I ain't expecting y'allto do stand-up

or nothing like that.

But come on, man,where the jokes at?

What?

- [mumbles]I'm done with them, man.

- He don't even knowwhat to say about them.

He beside himselfright now, man.

If it were up to him,

He'd be jamming pencilsin his eyeballs.

I'm not even surewhere one would, indeed,

at any point in time,

insert a dickinto this scene.

So the fact that there'sno dick opportunities...

- That's your job.

- We can't do all the work.

- What happened to you?

- That whole scene just...[makes fart noise]

Tanked the whole episode for us.

Frankly, y'all ain'tgonna make another season.

- Sometimes assumptionsbring apart--

bring--bring downfall.

That's just off the top.

- Let's get to the comments.- Do we do comments?

I don't even know.- I know, I mean...

Maybe not.Maybe--you know.

Well, let's not penalizethe audience

'cause "Key & Peele"fucking shit up.

- This comes fromTiger Paw Raw.

- Mm-hmm.

- "This shit is funnier

than the clipsthey're trying to fix."

- Thank you.

Hear this, "Key & Peele"?

- "Key & Peele" need to listento this nigga right here.

- "Key & Peele," yeah,maybe Tiger Paw Raw

should write y'allsome comments.

- A shame.- It really is, man.

You got two brothers on TV

trying to get something goingin a positive way,

and y'all just laughing.

Just, "Action."

[laughing weakly]

That was the whole scene.

If you want to watch all of"The Critiquer's Corners,"

then what you need to dois subscribe right here, man.

Click this right hereand subscribe to our channel.

- Nigga...- What?

- I'm gonna put it lower.

- Oh, okay.

Subscribe right here.

Is that low enough?

Subscribe right here, man.