Manly Tears

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 11/14/2012

A tough guy cries in front of his crew, and substitute teacher Mr. Nostrand does not play.

- JAHARI, MY FRIEND.

THERE ARE A LOT OF BEAUTIFULWOMEN OUT HERE TODAY.

[chuckles]- YEAH.

KAREEN, MY FRIEND,YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH.

- WELL, I DO WHAT I CAN.

- OOH.- OH...

WOW.- RIGHT?

- HA-HA.- BLIP.

- SHA-BLOIMPS.- [laughs]

- YOU KNOW, I CAUGHT A LITTLEGLIMPSE OF HER FOOT NUT.

[clicks tongue]- YOU SAW ANKLE BONE?

- WELL...

- GOT SOME ANKLE CLEAVAGE,YOU DIRTY DEVIL, HUH?

YOU SAW?

- GOD, I SAW.

[both talking over each other]

- YES, KAREEN.

[laughs]- HEH...

- VERY TASTY...

- EH...

- MM.

- HMM-HMM.- OH...

- DUDE, DID YOU SEETHE BRIDGE ON THAT NOSE?

- I MEAN, IF IT ISANY INDICATION...

- WOW.- HHH-HOLY GARBANZO BEANS.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THAT IS A BRIDGEI'D LIKE TO CROSS.

[both laugh]

- THIS IS MY BOY.THIS IS MY BOY.

- [laughing]- THIS IS MY BOY.

OH.

- HMM.

- NOT A LOT TO GO ON THERE.- NOT REALLY. NOT REALLY.

GOOD HEIGHT.- GOOD HEIGHT.

- GOOD HEIGHT.

- CRAZY TALL.

- [growls]YEAH, LIKE 5'9".

HEH...

- COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.- [muttering]

- COME ON. SHE'S TALL.SHE'S TALL. SHE'S TALL.

- THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S TALL.THERE'S NOTHING TO BE DONE.

- GETTING WET. LET ME SEE--

LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.

THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.

- JAHARI,CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING

IN CONFIDENCE RIGHT NOW?- OKAY.

- [whispers]I'M A VIRGIN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

DARIUS RUCKER.

[cheers and applause]

[whistling]

- [playing guitar]

♪ DON'T GO OUTWITH MY FRIENDS NO MORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNAHOLD YOUR HAND NO MORE ♪

- HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

[crowd chanting]HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- ♪ AND I DON'T WANNABE WITH YOU ♪

all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE,HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- NO, NO.all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT IN HOOTIEAND THE BLOWFISH ANYMORE, Y'ALL.

DOING MY OWN THING.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IN HOOTIE"?BECAUSE YOU ARE HOOTIE, MAN!

COME ON, EVERYBODY!all: HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...- NO, NO...

NO, NO, NO, ALL RIGHT,NOW--NOW--NOW STOP IT, STOP IT.

I'M NOT HOOTIE.I'M DARIUS RUCKER. ALL RIGHT?

I USED TO BE THE FRONT MAN

FOR A BAND CALLEDHOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.

ALL RIGHT,BUT I WAS NEVER HOOTIE.

THERE WAS NEVER A HOOTIE.

- WAIT,

JUST--IF I MAY--IF I MAY ASK,

WHERE ARE THE BLOWFISH AT,RIGHT, GUYS?

COME ON, EVERYBODY!BLOWFISH!

all: [chanting]BLOWFISH, BLOWFISH, BLOWFISH...

- NO, NO, NO! THE--

THERE ARE NO PEOPLE KNOWNAS "THE BLOWFISH," Y'ALL.

OKAY?

THE WHOLE BAND WAS JUST CALLEDHOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.

THAT'S IT.IT WAS A NONSENSE NAME.

LIKE HOOBASTANK.OR TOAD THE WET SPROCKET.

- OH.

- [plays guitar]

♪ DON'T GO OUTWITH MY FRIENDS NO MORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANNAHOLD YOUR HAND NO MORE ♪

- OH! OH!

- WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MAN?

- I SEE. I GET IT NOW.I UNDERSTAND.

HEY, WE GOTTA PICK, Y'ALL!

WE GOTTA CHOOSE BETWEEN...- NO, NO...

HOOTIE OR THE BLOWFISH!

SO, WHO WANTS TO SEETHE BLOWFISH?

[crowd cheers]

- THERE'S NO BLOWFISH.

- AND WHO WANTSTO SEE HOOTIE?

- HEY.

HEY, THAT--THAT HURTSMY FEELINGS, Y'ALL.

- YEAH, BUT YOU SAIDYOU WEREN'T HOOTIE.

- NO, I'M NOT, SIR.

BUT IN THE QUESTIONYOU JUST ASKED THE AUDIENCE,

I-I WAS CLEARLY HOOTIE.

- SO YOU ARE HOOTIE!- I'M NOT, THOUGH.

- HE IS HOOTIE!

- NO...[crowd cheers]

- HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

all: [chanting]HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE,

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...[crowd cheering]

HOOTIE, HOOTIE, HOOTIE...

- [sobbing]I'M HOOTIE!

I'M HOOTIE! AAH!

[bell rings]

[students chattering]

[chatter fades]

- I...

AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE...

MR. NOSTRAND.

BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY,"NO NONSENSE,"

BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY.

NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BEA DAY OFF.

IN FACT, TODAY,YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN--

[farts]

[farts quietly]

all: [laughing]

- SEE YOU LATER,MR. POOTSTRAND!

DID THAT DUDEREALLY JUST FART?

- SOMEBODY CALLA CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

- EIGHT KILOS.

100%.

PURE GRADE AFGHANI HEROIN.

- [sniffs]

[squeaky sniff]

$100,000 U.S. DOLLARS.

- HOLD UP.

WE SHOULD COUNT IT FIRST.

- MM. MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

- BE MY GUEST.

- YOU KNOW,WE GONNA DO A STRAIGHT COUNT

ON THIS RIGHT NOW.

- COUNT IT-COUNT IT?- YEAH. JUST--

- GOOD IDEA.- MM-HMM.

- SHOULD PROBABLYDO IT FAST

SO WE DON'T MAKEOUR FRIENDS HERE WAIT.

- MM-HMM.

OKAY.[clears throat]

20, 40, 60, 80,

100, 20, 40, 60,

80, 200--

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M FAST.LET ME JUST DO IT.

- YOU WANT--OKAY.- I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE--

- HEY, WHY--WHY ARE YOUDOIN' PILES OF NINE?

- IT'S FASTER THAN 10s.- OH, REALLY?

- I DO MY NINES 10 TIMES, ANDTHEN I DO AN EXTRA PILE OF 10.

- FAST. OKAY. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, WE--WE SHOULDPROBABLY BOTH BE COUNTING.

- OH, WELL, LET'S GET TO IT.

THAT'S DOU--DOUBLE TROUBLE.ALL RIGHT.

AND, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...- 20, 40, 60, 80, 100...

- FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE.- 20, 40, 60, 80, 100...

- 20, 40--- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR--WAIT.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE--- OKAY, I'M SORRY, CAN YOU--

COULD YOU PLE--- YUP.

- COULD YOU DO SOMETHINGLIKE OVER THERE, PLEASE?

- I'M GONNA TAKE.- IT'S A LITTLE DISTRACTING.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?- WHAT'S THAT?

- I GOT IT.WE COULD TIME ME.

- [gasps] OKAY.

- OKAY, WE TIME MECOUNTING OUT 1,000.

WE TAKE THAT TIME,

AND THEN WE JUST COUNT MONEYFOR THAT TIME TIMES 100.

- NO! I G--I GOT IT.THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE.

I'M GONNA DO A WEB SEARCHFOR A PICTURE OF $100,000.

OKAY?- OKAY.

- THEN, YOU KNOW, WE'LL KNOWWHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE

AND THEN WE CANARRANGE OUR MONEY

TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE IT.

AND SEE--HERE. HEY. HERE WE GO.RIGHT HERE, LOOK.

I MEAN, DAMN, THAT LOOKS--

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE--A LOT LIKE OUR MONEY.

I THINK WE GOT$100,000 HERE, FOLKS.

- I THINK WE MADE IT.- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT IS OUR MONEY. I'M SORRY.I'M SORRY, DO--

EARLIER...- YEAH.

- WHEN WE WERE COUNTING,I TOOK A PICTURE OF OUR MONEY

SO I COULD UPLOAD ITON YAHOO! ANSWERS.

- OH, DAMN.- THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE I JUST WANTED TO SEEIF ANYONE COULD VERIFY

WHAT $100,000 LOOKED LIKE.- [bleep]!

- OH, YOU GOT IT.- WHAT WAS I THINKING?

- YOU GOT IT.- I GOT IT, MAN.

- GO, GO, GO, GO.- I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- I TH--YOU KNOW,I WAS GONNA TRY TO RAIN MAN IT.

- OH, THAT'S A PLAN RIGHT THERE.- THAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, YEAH, HERE WE GO.- WE CAN DO THAT.

- OKAY.

YUP, YUP. I GOT THAT.I GOT THAT.

20, 40, 60...

20, 40, 60, 80...

99,980.

[dramatic music]

[gunfire]

all: [groaning]

- [panting]

[orchestral note]

[jazzy standard music]

- ♪ WOULD YOULOOK AT THE TIME? ♪

- ♪ YOU SHOULD JUSTSTAY HERE TONIGHT ♪

- ♪ I'VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE

- ♪ YOU WILL LEAVEAT FIRST LIGHT ♪

- ♪ IT ISN'T THAT FAR

- ♪ BABY,JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE ♪

- ♪ BACK TO MY PLACE

- ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPEFROM MY EMBRACE ♪

- ♪ I REALLYHAD A VERY NICE TIME ♪

- ♪ LET ME JUSTREFILL THAT WINE ♪

- ♪ BUT I REALLY NEED TOJUST SAY GOOD-BYE ♪

- ♪ I WOULD LOVETO SEE YOU TRY ♪

- ♪ PLEASE UNLOCKTHIS DOOR ♪

- ♪ IT'S LOCKEDFROM THE OUTSIDE ♪

♪ BABE, YOU'RE MINE TONIGHT - ♪ I CANNOT STAY TONIGHT

♪ LOOK, I REALLY HAVE TO GO

- ♪ NO, YOU REALLYHAVE TO STAY ♪

- ♪ HEY, "NO" MEANS NO

- ♪ THAT IS WHATTHEY ALL SAY ♪

- ♪ YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM

- ♪ I WON'T CAUSE YOUANY HARM ♪

- ♪ LET GO OF ME

- ♪ WE CAN MAKE THIS HARDOR JUST EASY ♪

- ♪ A WOMAN ALWAYSCOMES PREPARED ♪

- ♪ OOH, I'M REALLY SCARED

- ♪ I SAID THIS ISNOT WHAT I WANT ♪

- ♪ WHY YOU HAVE TOBE SUCH A-- ♪

- ♪ I KNOW SELF-DEFENSE

- ♪ I DARE YOU TO TRY IT

- ♪ I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT

- ♪ BITCH,YOU ARE MINE TONIGHT ♪

♪ PLEASE,JUST PLEASE GO AWAY ♪

- ♪ I THOUGHT THAT YOUWANTED ME TO STAY ♪

- ♪ WELL--WELL,I JUST CHANGED MY MIND ♪

- ♪ THINK I'LL JUSTSTAY AND UNWIND ♪

- ♪ HOW DID THIS ALL SWITCH?

- ♪ NOW YOU ARE...

♪ MY...

♪ BITCH

- ♪ PLEASE JUSTBE KIND TONIGHT! ♪

- ♪ NOW YOU'RE MINE...

♪ TO...

♪ NIGHT